Presley, my tears still flow since I lost you on Easter Sunday, three days before your 13th birthday. You made me laugh every day. I miss seeing you sitting in your favorite spot on YOUR love seat in front of the window, watching the world go by. You loved your car rides, especially to the drive-up bank tellers where they would give you a treat (although, you never ate them, but it made them smile to give them to you)! Everyone who met you fell in love with you, even if it took a while for you to let them into your heart. Because you were a rescue dog, you didn't trust too many people except Mommy and Grandma. |
Remember when you were a puppy and you'd jump up on the bed before me, then take my spot?!? I'd have to first slide your head over to your own pillow, then move your butt over so I could go to bed! This was our ritual for years! And that sexy butt of yours! We couldn't get down the hallway without you stopping three or four times and putting your chest on the floor and your butt up in the air so I could scratch you! I miss having you sit near me while I plant flowers. And when I mowed the lawn, you'd just get comfortable, then have to move again when I turned around and came back. Afterwards, you'd come into the house and your feet would be stained green from the freshly-mowed grass! I miss seeing you sitting at the window when I came home from work, and you'd jump down and greet me at the door. Toward the end, you slept more and you couldn't hear me come in anymore, and many times it took you a while to wake up and realize I was home. Now, I come home to a too-quiet house.
I almost lost you a couple of times when you got sick, but you always pulled through. Then when you got cancer, I knew I wouldn't have you much longer, but I always hoped the chemo would give us at least another year or so together. You fought the good fight, baby boy, but this time they couldn't save you. We didn't know that was going to be your last day, sweetie. I have such guilt that I made the decision. I wondered if it was because I was just so tired toward the end. I wish you could have told me if it was okay. I miss you so much, Presley. Grandma misses you, too. She didn't get to see you one more time.
I asked Patches to take care of you in heaven. I love you, baby boy. "Be a good boy, be a good watchdog, get up in the window, and I'll see you when I get home." Mommy
"Looking back on the memory of the dance we shared, beneath the stars above.
Last night I had a dream with you in it. It couldn't have lasted longer than just a couple of minutes. Craig was there, too, and we were in my kitchen, and it was early evening. I looked down, and there you were, looking up at me. My first thought was of panic.... "Presley, have I given you your insulin yet today?" You didn't look sick, but I was scared that you hadn't had your insulin. Then as you walked by me, my next thought was one of confusion: "Wait... I haven't given you your insulin in a long time." You started to walk up the stairs, not slowly with one foot at a time because of your old bones with a touch of arthritis, but steady and swift, like there was nothing wrong. Right then, I woke up, and realized why I hadn't given you your insulin... because you're not here, baby boy.
I played the dream over and over in my mind. I wondered if it was you trying to tell me that you're okay now, that you don't need your insulin (or chemo, or other meds) anymore. Or was it a dream of how much I worried about you all the time? I'm not sure why (Uncle) Craig was there. As I recall the dream, neither he nor I spoke. Maybe he was just there as my protector, as he always was when we were growing up. I don't know. I do know, though, baby boy, this was the first time I dreamed about you since you've been gone. You are constantly in my waking thoughts, but sleep has been fitful.
I love and miss you, sweetie.
The smallest things make me think of you, baby boy. Yesterday I replaced the cover on the light over the kitchen sink that I would leave on for you at night. When I told Grandma about it, I started crying. She did, too. We both miss you so much, Presley.
I was glancing through my emails today, sweetie, and there was one sent from Petsmart titled, "Fun things for Presley!" The tears came, baby boy. I still miss you so much. I've done so much better not crying every time I think of you, but the smallest things hit me out of the blue. Not a day goes by that I don't think of you and the things you did to make me laugh or just melt with love. I still think of our last moments together... and still feel the guilt. I know you were sick, sweetie, but I always wonder if I made the decision too soon. You never complained if you didn't feel well, and on that last day you seemed to be doing okay. But the docs didn't think it would be much longer. I always swore I would never let you suffer, but I just wish you could have talked to me and told me if it was the right thing to do then. I love you, baby boy.
Baby boy, how are you? Mommy misses you so much. When I come home with groceries and set the bags on the floor, you're not there to stick your head into every bag and sniff at what's in them. Sometimes you'd find something that caught your interest (besides your treats!) and drag it out of the bag - usually anything wrapped in cellophane that made noise. You were so adorable!
I can't believe it's been 3-1/2 months, sweetie pie.
Presley, I keep going back to your last day. I keep re-living our time together in the "quiet room." They brought in a big pillow and blanket for you to lay on, but, as always, you wanted to be up on the couch! So you laid on the couch and I sat on the floor in front of you and talked to you and rubbed you for what seemed like hours. I finally told the doc I was ready (but I wasn't!!!), and she came in and gave you the first injection. I kept telling you over and over and over, "I'm so sorry, sweetie, I'm so sorry!" You went to sleep within moments. I wanted to scream out, "STOP!" before she gave you the second injection, but I didn't. Sometimes I wish I would have. You stopped breathing, and then let out a breath of air. It surprised me and I gasped. The doctor said that was normal, then left the room. I started wailing hysterically before she even had the door shut. And then you let out two or three more breaths. I wept uncontrollably for probably an hour, baby. I kept whispering to you, "I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry!" I stroked your ears and your head, telling you how much I loved you. I stroked that big ol' nose of yours and laughed - you never liked me to touch your nose! My eyes were so red from crying. Finally they came in and asked if they could take you now. I said yes. I think I was all cried out. They put you on the gurney and I stroked you one more time.
I talk to you all the time, Pres. I still tell you to be a good boy when I leave for work. I look at your pictures and tell you how beautiful you are. I still cry at times. And I keep asking God to tell you how sorry I am and how much I miss you. And that I hope you forgive me.
I love you, sweetie.
Sweetie, I had another dream of you. Again, very, very short, but it was so good! You were sitting on the floor looking up at me, and I bent down and cupped your face in my hands. I was so happy to touch you again! That was it, baby boy... very short, and then I woke up. But I woke up smiling! I love you, Pres.
Baby boy, I received your dog license renewal form in the mail today. I gotta email the Humane Society that you're gone. I can't call them - I don't think I could talk without crying.
Remember how you would always lick your tags when I'd put your collar on? You knew we'd be going for a ride when I jingled your collar. I hope you're getting all the car rides you want in heaven!
I miss you, sweetie. Mommy
It's been 4 months, baby boy. It doesn't seem like it. It feels like just yesterday I lost you, because the pain is still there. Not a day goes by that I don't think about you. Today I was feeding the birds and squirrels in the back yard, and I pictured you there, running up to the tree and making the birds fly off. The squirrels would scamper up the tree, and you'd just stop and sniff around. I know you never wanted to hurt any of the little critters that would visit.
Grandma reads these, and she said they make her cry. I don't mean to make her cry - I thought I cry enough for the whole world. But Grandma misses you too, sweetie. I hope you are okay and making friends in heaven. I don't know if you can see or hear me, but I hope you know that I love you and miss you very, very much. Someday I will see you again, baby boy.
Baby boy, you are never far from my thoughts. I still tell you when I am leaving for work, and when I get home I yell out, "Presley, I'm hoooome!" I was looking through some things today and found two poems. They say so much.
You gaze at me with clouded eyes
You and I would run with ease
You and I would meditate
Every neighbor knows the name
Silken ears drape all around.
I call, but you don't hear my voice;
Now your eyes are growing dim
I remember bringing you home. You were so small and cuddly with your tiny paws and soft fur.
You bounced around the room with eyes flashing and ears flopping. Once in a while, you'd let out a little yelp just to let me know this was your territory.
Making a mess of the house and chewing on everything in sight became a passion and when I scolded you, you just put your head down and looked up at me with those innocent eyes as if to say: "I'm sorry, but I'll do it again as soon as you're not watching."
When I had a tough day at work, you would be waiting for me with your tail wagging just to say, "Welcome home. I missed you." You never had a bad day and I could always count on you to be there for me.
When I sat down to read the paper and watch TV, you would hop on my lap looking for attention. You never asked for anything more than to have me pat your head so you could go to sleep with your head over my leg.
As you got older, you moved around more slowly. Then one day, old age finally took its toll, and you couldn't stand on those wobbly legs anymore. I knelt down and patted you lying there, trying to make you young again. You just looked up at me as if to say you were old and tired and that after all these years of not asking for anything, you had to ask me to do one last favor.
With tears in my eyes, I drove you one last time to the vet. One last time you were lying next to me.
For some strange reason you were able to stand up in the animal hospital - perhaps it was your sense of pride.
As the vet led you away, you stopped for an instant, turned your head and looked at me as if to say: "Thank you for taking care of me."
I thought, "No, thank YOU for taking care of ME."
Presley, I had another strange dream of you last night. Apparently it was about 2 weeks after I lost you, and I went back to the Emergency Vet for some reason. I found out you had just woken up! It was really weird. I think I remember that they were just about to put you down again because you shouldn't have woken up. Instead, I took you home. I was so happy... but you didn't seem the same. You mostly just laid on the bed. Once again, the dream didn't last very long. I just remember feeling very confused about what was happening. The only reason I think I dreamed this was because I was thinking about you as I drifted off to sleep... and I still to this day ask for your forgiveness. I don't know if I'll ever get over the guilt, baby boy, because you couldn't tell me if it was time to go. I'm sure you are happy in heaven, and just hope you understand.
I love you, sweetie, and will never, ever forget you. You were the best friend anyone could ever wish for. You were so beautiful, so adorable, and very intelligent. You were such a good boy. I hope Patches was there for you and that you two are hanging around together. She was such a good girl, too. Someday we'll all be together again.
Sweetie pie... it's been 6 months. Six very long months, and I've missed you every single day. A few days ago was Grandma's birthday, and it was the first time you weren't there to celebrate with us. I gave Grandma some coffee mugs with your pictures on them and she cried. She misses you so very much, too. Christmas this year is going to be hard because you won't be there to tear open your presents.
Sweetie, I found a place where you and Patches and I will be together forever when the time comes. It's called Evergreen Memorial Park, and it' a beautiful area in Evergreen, Colorado that allows pet parents to be with their fur babies. I'm going to go up and visit them one of these days and pick out a place for all of us to be together, with a beautiful headstone with all of our names and maybe your and Patches' pictures, too. I want to put your leashes and some of your toys and other things in with us. God willing, it will be a long time before it's my time, but I just wanted you to know that we'll all be together again some day.
I love you, baby boy.
January 1, 2015:
Oh, baby boy.... I can't believe it's been over 8 months since I lost you. Still not a day goes by that I don't think of you. I regret that toward the end I didn't give you your favorite treats ("Dingo balls!") because I was afraid they would somehow interfere with your cancer treatments. You went several months without your goodies.... had I known I was going to lose you, I would have given you anything and everything to make you happy. The tears flow less, but still come once in awhile, Pres. I still sometimes feel lost without you. A friend reminded me that, with the exception of just a few days in the almost-13 years that I had you, you were with me every day. You were my constant. You made me smile every single day. Yesterday I was thinking about how, as you got older, you would jump up and put your front paws on the edge of the bed, and wait for me to lift you up onto the bed. Sometimes when you were asleep, you'd have a nightmare and start howling in your sleep - "whoooo hooooooo..." I'd feel so bad, and touch you to wake you up slightly to calm you, and you'd go right back to sleep. You were my protector, too - you'd let me know when someone was at the door, and on our walks you'd warn other people you didn't trust to stay away from us. You were such a good boy!
I have most of your stuff packed in a big box, sweetie, but just have not been able to close and seal the box yet. I love you so much, baby boy, and miss you terribly.
Hi baby boy. I miss you. I heard this song recently and thought the words fit perfectly.
"I Can't Let Go" - by Marc Shaiman and Scott Wittman
They say nothing lasts forever
They sing, "Ev'rything must change,"
But I wake up with this anger
If I hang on to this heartache
I can't let go
People at work ask me why I don't get another dog. They don't understand.... you weren't "a dog." You were my baby.
I love you, sweetie. Mommy
Oh, Sweetie Pie, I can't believe it's been a year. I still grieve the loss of you. I see you every day in my mind, remembering the things you would do that made you so loveable. You were such a beautiful soul, both inside and out. I was so lucky to have you in my life. I thank you, baby boy, for sharing your life with me. I will miss you and love you for all time. Someday we'll be together again, Sweetie.
Love forever, Mommy
Hi baby. Mommy misses you. I can't believe it's been over a year-and-a-half. I still think about you every day. My dreams of you aren't very often, but when you are in my dreams, I wake up with a smile and thank God that I got to "see" you again. I hope you are doing okay, and are happy and healthy once more. I still cry occasionally, sweetie. I haven't yet gotten up to Evergreen to pick out our spot, but I will soon. I love you, baby boy. And miss you terribly.
Oh, Sweetie Pie, it's been two very long years. My heart is still heavy with sorrow. There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I hope you hear me when I talk to you, but in case you don't, I ask God every day to tell you how much I miss you and love you. Soon I will plant the flowers in front, and think of you lying next to me (always in the way! ha!) while I pretend to have a green thumb. Hopefully this year the tears won't flow, but I can't promise they won't. I hope you and Patches have found each other in Heaven and are watching out for each other. I tell her that she would absolutely love you, and I know you would love her. You were so much alike - both so loving and loveable.
My consolation is that we will all be together again some day. And that you are no longer in pain, and can see and hear well again. I hope you are having fun chasing squirrels and rabbits (even though you wouldn't know what to do if you caught one!), and have all the chew bones and "Dingo balls" you want! I still regret I didn't let you have your treats toward the end. Had I only known.
I love you so much, baby boy. You are so precious.
P.S. I still have not sealed the box with all of your things. I'm just can't yet.
Baby boy, I was looking at the things I have laid out for you by your memorial - I hope you know each means something special.
Of course, St. Francis is my favorite Saint as the protector of all animals.
When you were a puppy, you used to carry around a big rawhide bone in your mouth, with the big knotted ends sticking out of each side of your mouth - and there's a picture on here to prove it!
The single red rose is for the time you grabbed a plastic rose out of my planter and ran around with it in your mouth, looking like Casanova! That picture is on here, too - you were so adorable!
The water bowl is for when you would walk over to your bowl, look at it then look at me as if to say, "Well, are you going to give me fresh water?" You were so spoiled! I trust your water bowl in heaven has perpetually fresh water.
And the candle is for the one I would light and say a prayer for you when you had cancer... I didn't use it very long before I lost you.
Of course, the song "Memories" by Elvis is because the words fit so well how I feel... and, it is sung by your namesake! You did the Elvis lip perfectly!
I love you and miss you. Always.
Three years, Presley. I can't believe it, baby boy. I still miss you so much. I hope you hear me when I talk to you. I smile when I think about what a beautiful soul you were, and all the times you made me laugh. The house seems too empty and quiet without you. Of course, your beautiful pictures and things are all around for me to look at. I still have not sealed your box....
I pray you and Patches are together, playing and running around, chewing on all the "T-Bonz" and "Goof Balls" that you want! I ask God every single day to keep you safe and to tell you how much I love you and miss you!
Someday, sweetie.... Until then, the memories of you fill my heart!
Hi baby boy,
Today I woke up and wondered why you weren't on the bed. I don't think I was dreaming, or had been dreaming, but I could feel you weren't on the bed with me. Then I thought that maybe you were on the floor or in the hallway, but wondered why you would be there and not in bed -- you were ALWAYS in bed sleeping when I was! Then after a few seconds, I realized you weren't in bed because you are gone. And it made me sad again.
I still think of you every day, sweetie. It's been 3-1/2 years, and I still grieve. I don't cry everyday like I used to, but I still tear up once in a while. People wonder when I'm going to get another dog, and I just can't yet... maybe never again. I think I'm afraid if I get another baby to love, I won't remember you as much, and I can't let that happen. I need to still grieve the loss of you.
I hope you hear me when I talk to you. And I hope you know that when I say I love you and miss you, you know I mean it so much. Someday we'll be together again, baby boy. Along with Patches.