10/15/06 I can still see you walking in the hallway, looking me up in the kitchen, sneaking into the garage, hiding under the covers. We buried your last pee under the peach tree yesterday. I just couldn't bury your ash, but at least part of your DNA is going back to soil. I went a store today, they had bundles of pussy willow. Remember the story about a girl and pussy willow? I bought a bundle. I felt like I was bringing YOU home. I will sleep with one of the buds tonight, hoping that it would change into you by the morning. I miss you so bad baby. I don't think it would be ever easier. I'm getting overwhelmed thinking all the years ahead of me that I have to go on without you -|
10/16/06 I still cry every day missing you. I received a locket that I ordered. I'm putting one fragment of your bone and a little fur so that we can go everywhere together. Maybe you didn't know, but mommy wanted to take you everywhere if I could. Now we are together forever, you can sneak in everywhere now. I can see your silly face or cutie back paws even when I'm at work. I love you baby, I wish I could touch you. Keep making funny noises around the house, so I know you are around.
10/18/06 I received one of the memorial stone yesterday. When I saw the back yard this morning, the light on the stone was still shining. I remembered your smile, always asking me "what?". First time after you are gone, I said "Good-morning Chaya" out loud. I wraped your photo in a blanket, and hugged it, felt like I was hugging you. I will try not to complain to
10/22/06 I think you are sending signs - I'm sorry I worry you. You used to come to me looked up my face and licked my tears away when I cried. I had to explain to you "baby, don't worry, mommy's just cryin' watching movie"... Or sometimes, I would cry and complained what was going on, and you'd listen to me and comforted me with a little purr. I received HSUS sticker with a paw print saying "I love you" just a few days after you passed. Yesterday I just realized that it was a letter from you. I'll be stronger someday, so you don't have to worry. If the heaven is calling you, and you need to go to the Rainbow Bridge, go ahead. I know I'm not ready to let you go, but I don't want you to miss the boat. Or, are you going to stay up until 49 days like the customs back home? Don't worry, we'll meet again when I go across to the other shore. Then I don't have to worry about losing you anymore... We can sit on the grass and watch the birds or take a nap under the sun just like we used to do.
10/23/06 People tell me that you were just a cat and I should get another one and stop grieving - they are not even my friends, what do they know? Who asked their opinions anyway. They said that they didn't like my personality after you are gone. Yes, I have to admit - Good part of ME died with you. One time I saw a pillow case that read "Please God Make Me a Better Person That My Cat Thinks I Am" - After you are gone, I don't feel like being good nor nice anymore. I should have stood up for you, should have put you first. You didn't complain and you were always there for me, so I took advantage of you. I put everything else first, and didn't even take you anywhere. Steve tells me to stop beating up myself upside down, but I know what I did. I didn't even take you to another vet to get second opinion, I didn't take your sickness seriously. I thought if I believe in God's miracles, you will be okay, because you were a gift from God. I took you granted, wasted your 13 years. I still think I killed you. I know I don't deserve to have you back, but I still want you back. God knows how hard I prayed that I wish I knew and I wish I did better.....I know still should do better so I can pick you up when I go to the other side. I know God won't send you with me if I'm not going to Heaven. But I just can't do it now. I can't see any beauty or goodness in anything. My world died with you...
10/25/06 We received a new computer yesterday - Steve is so worried about me grieving about you, and he wanted to play games again. I don't know about games, but I'm sure it would help to have a computer that doesn't crush and close down in the middle of Monday Candle Lighting Ceremony! I'm also going to start scanning all your old pictures, and I'll make a "Freddie DVD" - And I want to make your website look nicer too(if you are kind enough to read my diary to Freddie and have extra time, please visit him at http://home.earthlink.net/~chibstar/rainbowbridgetoheaven)
10/26/06 Exploring the new computer that I named after you, I found one game that was ready to be installed, that's called "FATE" - Guess what? It came with a cat companion. Of course I named the cat Freddie - Now I have to find a way to make the cat Black and White like you, the cat on the screen is a tabby. It meows and follows me around and sometimes purr. I was a silent gamer before, but now I talk to "Freddie the FATE cat" through "Freddie the Computer", just like I did to you before, like "Come here baby, where are you goin'?" or "Yea, chaya mew, purr baby purr"... It's a bit weird maybe, but it's all I got right now. I'm still talking to your picture and crying every day. This morning, I swear I saw your shadow in the hallway. It's really nice that you are hanging around me. You know you are welcome to visit anytime even after you depart to the Rainbow. When I die, the first thing I'll do is to pick you up and hug you tight and kiss you all over. I can almost see you and feel you putting your litte paw on my cheek.
11/1/06 Thank you for visiting in my dream last night. I really enjoyed touching your paws (I can still feel it) and smelling your fluffy fur. I'm sorry I couldn't save you. I hope you are feeling better in Heaven, I'm sure God gave you a new kidney. The day you were going, you purred to me, and I just realized that you knew and you were still trying to comfort me until last moment. Remember you called me in your sleep? I know you were really scared to leave, but you still put me in first. You were always like that. Always worry about me, and always there for me. I'm sorry I wasn't always there for you. I still cry every day missing you. Everything is different now, since you had been gone. Fluffy face, visit me again in my dream so I can hug you again.
11/9/06 Thank you for visiting in my dream again Chaya. You are so sweet that you let me take more pictures that I wanted to take. I will never see the pictures developed, but at least now I have a memory of taking pictures of our favorite moments. But, isn't it sad that we both knew that you were already dead even in the dream.... When you sat in your favorite cuddly and put your head down, just like the last picture of you I've really taken, I knew you had to head back to the Rainbow. We received everything we ordered in your name, so I will not have any "suprise gift from you" waiting at home anymore. I still cry everyday for you, missing you. I cried this morning vacuuming. This is the first time I cleaned the house after you are gone. I remember how you hated the sound of vacuum and I had to put you in the guest bedroom so that you won't be scared, and I couldn't clean anymore. One last time if I clean, there will be no more cat hair. I just can't let you go Chaya, even though you are already gone. I'm begging to God that not to fade your memories, even if I have to live with this pain the rest of my life. I love you, I'll see you on the other side someday. Until then, wait for me.
11/15/06 Exactly 7 weeks ago, you left your body. This is the day you are flying over to Rainbow, find your permanent home to wait for me. Please visit me time to time, in my dreams or make funny noises around home. I put Fancy-feast tuna out for you today. Visit me on Thanksgiving, I'll have tuna can for you again. My life is missing a big hole that you left behind. I love you baby, now and forever.
11/19/06 Grampa is coming for Thanksgiving. I will miss you checking on him from afar. I cleaned the guest bed room this afternoon. I found your fur where you used to take a nap when you succeeded to sneak in to the room. I held the blanket and cried, missing you. I won't wash the blanket. I am keeping it in a bag. The fluffy blanket you loved, with your fur on it.
11/23/06 Hi baby- It's Thanksgiving today. I miss you sleeping on the couch right next to me watching TV, or sitting on the dining chair watching me cook. I guess we are adapting Bootie. I caught her and took her in to a Vet to get spayed, and they said she might be pregnant. I couldn't have them abort it, she might have a kitten looking like you. They advised me to keep her strickly indoors. She is staying in from last night. Don't worry, jealous cat, the hole you left in my heart cannot be replaced by anyone. It will be staying there until we meet up on the Rainbow. I will open another tuna can today for you, for Thanksgiving. Enjoy your favorite meal in Heaven, and visit me in my dreams.
11/27/06 Bootsie is still an outside cat. She didn't want to stay in, and I wasn't happy having her in. I got upset when she rubbed her chin against the corner you loved. You own every corner of the house, and I'm not ready to give it to anyone.
12/17/06 So this is it. No miracle has happened, I'm still here talking to your ashes that doesn't do anything like when you are alive. I'm still missing you terribly. I finally vacuumed, put your food bowl and the litter box away. They got so dusty, every time I see them, instead of feeling like you were around, I started getting reminded that no one was using them anymore. Next time I vacuum, there will not be your mess. I cried so hard that I had to stop several times. I miss doing things for you. We finally put the Christmas tree up yesterday too. I will hang ornaments today. I know we have a lot of cat and cat angel ornaments, but I never thought that I would hang them for you to see them from Heaven. I love you cutie-chaya. I can't see you but I hope you can see me from the bridge at least...
2/14/07 Happy Valentine's Day my baby Chaya. I'm still sad and depressed and crying every day. I didn't write to you nor attended Monday Candle Prayer because I hated everything including myself. I had been begging God to help me and bring you back, and each day I got more angry and depressed. I checked back here yesterday and I'm sorry. I'll take care of you here, that is the least thing I can do besides carrying around your ashes and pictures. I'll start attending Monday Candle meeting again. That would be our church that I've been asking God, somewhere we could go together. I know you are very close to God now, so you probably can see me better when I'm around God.
3/9/07 I just noticed yesterday that your peach tree is blooming. It has little pink flowers and I remembered how your lips were. Standing under the tree made me feel like you are sending kisses. I found a Blue Jay dead right next to your memorial stone the other day - whatever the reason is. I burried it next to your stone. You always loved watching birds. Maybe you can see the bird flying again in Heaven. Now I have to close my eyes to see you, to remember how you were and how you sounded like. I can't remember how my dad sounded like anymore. I'm begging God not to take memories of you away, I lost you once, I don't want to lose you again. It's not fair that I'm still crying almost everyday but the memories are not as bright as before. You in the videos and pictures seems far far away. Please visit mama in your dreams again baby, I can't stand losing you again...
4/17/07 Easter came and went, you've never come back to life. Your favorite cuddly bed burnt with you, and now your "housie" is in a plexi glass case. We adopted a couple of cats but the light of my life was gone with your death. Your next Birthday that you'll never have with me on the earth is right around the corner and it's just killing me, baby meow. I don't know what to do with my life without you.
9/27/07 Today is your anniversary of the date you crossed the bridge. I have still a little more than 4 hours until full year. Everything is changing around me. Not only you, but now Steven is leaving me. I've lost my health, and now I will lose your peach tree with the house. The life was great and bright when you are around. I miss you and myself who had great time of the life. You made me a better person but I couldn't hold on to it. From this day forward, I will collect all the fragment of happy life left and will rebuild the kingdom once we had together. Watch over me, baby meow.... I still carry the locket with your ash. Mommy is still sending you a thousand kisses every day with her tears.
*****FOR ALL WHO IS GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING I DID, PROBABLY THE WORDS "THERE WILL BE A BETTER DAY" WILL FALL ON DEAF EARS. BUT REMEMBER, GOD IS WITH YOU, JUST LIKE THE SUN ABOVE THICK BLACK STORMY CLOUD, YOU JUST CAN'T SEE NOW, BUT SOMEDAY, WHEN THE CLOUD CRACKS, YOU WILL BE SURROUNDED BY THE FAMILIAR WARMTH AGAIN. HANG IN THERE, MAY THE SUNSHINE BRIGHT ON YOU.*****