My angel Ellie,,,,you started your life with me as a feral kittie at our horse farm. You had two litters of kittens before you would let me catch you :)|
I will never forget all the fun we had there with the horses and all the other kitties.
I brought you to my home over 6 years ago when grandpa passed away and you had to leave the farm, along with four of your babies, and a few others from our 'farm crew'. I wanted all of you to have the most similar setting you were used to, without the dangers of cars, other animals, or bad people, so I built you cat suites, with poles, beds, toys, and vertical shelving, with run-out pens so you could feel almost as free as you did at the farm. You seemed to enjoy this very much every day, and become so domesticated in such a short period of time; one of the sweetest girls I ever had.
Recently, you seemed to be uncomfortable while eating, and I thought you might be having issues with your teeth, as you were now 14 years old. I took you to the hospital, and sadly was told you had an inoperable tumor under your tongue that was extremely aggressive and not a type that would respond to any type of treatment, such as radiation or chemotherapy. My heart was torn apart, and I took you home.
I set up a room for you inside, as you were getting too weak to be back out in your pen unattended. For several weeks, we had your home vet come to do assisted feedings and to give you fluids. Your attitude was terrific; you were such a trooper, even when the tumor would bleed during feedings. You still wanted to sit in my lap afterward and purr the night away, and enjoyed when I took you outside and sat with you in your run-out area so you could get some air and sun, and when we would go down to the living room to sit on your favorite recliner.
Last week, you started to resist the feedings and seemed to be having a much harder time with them. Your vet said she felt the tumor was now taking up more space in your mouth, making it more difficult for you to maneuver your tongue and eat, and that in a short time, there would be no space left and could also make breathing difficult for you. Again, my heart was breaking for you.
The next few days, you started to sit on my chest and just stare at me directly in the eyes. I remember almost 'hearing' you saying 'please help me'.
So although you were already weakened and saddened by the feedings, you still had a great attitude. But I decided it was selfish of me to wait until you were in such a bad, painful state, possibly gasping to breathe, and rapidly starving to death, to make the decision to let you go. I wanted you to go with some dignity left, as you did nothing but give me unconditional love and laughs your whole life.
I scheduled our vet to come to our home last night, and your passing was as peaceful as I had hoped. You purred in my lap as long as you could. I then took you this morning to your cremation, brought you home, and set up your memorial here and at home. I still see you everywhere and hope you can see me as well.
I will miss you terribly, but have some of your babies here to always remind me what a good mommy you were, as well as one of my most loving girls. I was blessed to have you for 14 years and hope you are eating and drinking and jumping again the way you used to, pain free and whole again.
Always in my heart,
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven.
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
2/9/13: Hi baby,,,two weeks,,,seems like yesterday at times, and others an eternity, since I held you and petted that oh-so-soft spot on your nose.
If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd come right up to Heaven, and bring you home again,,,,
5/26/13: Hey baby,,,4 months and it still feels like yesterday,,,,always missing you and seeing your tiny face and sweet eyes. Your boy Slater has been having some mouth problems also, but thankfully not a cancer, at least so far (as you know, he cannot tolerate the hospital, so Dr. Jarvis has been coming here to treat with antibiotics; so far he is responding well.) Another month has gone by, yet it still hits the pit of my stomach when the memories of what you went through come rushing back--I guess that's normal, but I'm now trying to keep them at bay and focus on the good times and the sweetness you brought to my life. Unconditional love---it is the best. Love and light always,,,XOX
6/26/13: Hi sweetie. Five months and I can't believe how it all can seem like yesterday sometimes. As I'm sure you know, I've been going through some hard times. I pray every day that God will give me the ability to keep us all together, because as you know, most of your crew would not do well in another home or God forbid a shelter. Since I know you are now one of our guardian angels, please send us one of your kitty blessings :) You are always in my heart and will be forever. Miss you so much baby girl. Love and light to you always,,,XOX
11/27/13: Hi my sweet baby girl. I hope you are with me. As you know, I've been working very hard and trying to stay focused. Although I'm sure you know and hopefully had met him at the bridge, I went in to feed dinner tonight and found Slater passed away on the floor. Skylar looked very confused and it was so heartbreaking. But after watching what you endured, I guess I have to be grateful that he did not have to suffer, and hopefully his passing was quick. We think it was his heart or a clot, but cannot be certain. Maybe you know? I was paralyzed with grief. I can only hope he is with you and you are both healthy and happy again. I miss you baby--please send your kitty blessings to Skylar as he seems very lonely and confused and could use your comfort as well as mine. Love and light baby girl. XOX
1/26/14: Baby girl, today is one year since you left my life,,,it still can sometimes feel like yesterday. I hope you know how much it hurt to lose you, but I know how much it was hurting you to be here. I also hope you are with your baby boy Slater, and that you both are fulfilling whatever it is you are destined to do there. Your barn mate Comet is also now fighting cancer,,,the vet believes it's intestinal. Although the vet could not find anything wrong with his mouth, he seems to have some trouble eating, like something is hurting him. Before you, it had been so long since I had to lose one of you guys, and now it may be three in such a short time. But I guess I have to be thankful for having you at all, and that for many years you all were fine. Please send Comet a kitty blessing and take care of Slater; I'm sure although he had to leave, he was very happy to see you. Please also keep Skylar from being too lonely---visit him and give him a soft kiss when you can. Miss you baby girl,,,,love and light. XOX
2/13/14: Hi baby girl. Just wanted to let you know that your barn mate Comet came to the bridge on 2/11/14--I hope you and Slater were able to meet him there. He fought a cancer just like you did, although his was in his intestine. Please be a mommy to him, as he was so close with his sister Lucky that I'm sure he will need some comforting. Miss you so much angel. Love and light to you. XOX
11/26/14: Hi sweetie face. A year ago (11/27), your baby boy Slater came to the bridge. As I'm sure you know, your other boy Skylar has had such a hard time with losing him, and although you two didn't share a pen, I know you've been there to comfort him as Slater has been also. Your sweet tiny face and loving eyes are burned into my soul. As I've always told all of you, you are not just in my heart, you ARE my heart. Please know I love and miss you terribly. Love and Light baby girl XOX
1/26/15: My baby girl,,,can't understand how it's been two years since you crossed over and yet it still feels like yesterday. Your soft eyes looking into mine during your illness, with such an understanding that I was only trying to help you, even though it was not pleasant for you. Your resilience and strength, your desire to live, was amazing, and has taught me so much. I so miss your softness, your sweetness, and the touch of your nose to mine. I will always love and miss you, and you will always be in my heart---all of you ARE my heart. May you be well now and happy, and sharing love with your boy Slater.
1/3/16: Hi sweet baby girl,,,,Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,,,I am so sorry I haven't written sooner and that I could not visit during the holidays,,,as you know, things were not good here and it was a hard time and a hard year. But I felt you here and I know you saw your stocking. As you may know, your baby Jettie went to the bridge very early on new year's morning. If you were too busy playing, please find him, give him kitty kisses, and take care of him. He missed you terribly when you left as I'm sure you missed him, and I know you'll be so happy to be with each other again. I asked Slater to do the same, as he was his half brother, and I asked Comet as well. I hope you are all feeling well again and playing, and feel the love that is still in my heart. I feel you every day and thank you for watching over me. Love and light baby girl,,,,XOX
1/26/16: Hi my sweet girl,,,I can't believe it has been three years since you left. Your sweet eyes looking up into mine during your syringe feedings are forever etched in my soul,,,like you were saying 'I know you're trying to help me mommy, and I love you for that, but I know something is really wrong, and I'm sad." But I'm forcing myself to remember all your good years, and those eyes smiling into mine with love, and you feeling well. I can only have faith that you feel that way again now. I hope you met Jettie recently at the bridge and are giving him your 'mommy' love again,,,,he really missed you when you left. I so miss your soft nose,,,,,I love you so much sweetie, and always will. Love and light my baby girl. XOX
11/27/16: Hi my Ellie Bella,,I signed on to renew your baby boy Slater's residency and to put up Christmas stockings on your pages. As I wrote to him, I cannot believe how time passes and how it still feels like yesterday that I lost any of you. I miss looking into the sweetness of your eyes Ellie,,,,you had such a 'knowing' in them that always reminded me how we are all connected somehow, human and animal, as we all are spirit. As you may know, your cousin Onyx recently went to the bridge. I've asked the others to help guide him, and will ask you specifically as well, since you were a mommy and know how to comfort the best :) I will always miss the softness of your sweet little nose,,,what a beautiful girl you are. Please know I'll always love and miss you sweetie,,,,Love and light baby girl,,,,XOX
1/26/17: Oh my sweet girl,,can it really be four years since you had to leave--it just does not seem so. It keeps teaching me how valuable time really is, yet that it is also a concept, as love never fades when unconditional---it is ingrained in our hearts always. I hope you have heard me talk to you and know how much it still hurts me that you're not here. I still see your loving eyes when I close mine. When I look at Squiggy or Skylar, it reminds me what a good mommy you were when we were all at the farm. As you know, I've had to learn to accept losing five of you guys in the last four years, and it never, ever gets easier. But I know you belong to God, and are only on loan to me, and for the time I've been blessed to share with you, I am grateful. I've learned so much about life, love, and commitment from having all of you in my life. The pain of losing you is just the debt I have to pay for all the years of connection and love. I know you may not visit a lot--who would want to be in your suite when you can be out running and playing in fields and meadows :) But please come to me every once in a while and put your little paw on my heart. I love and miss you so much baby girl,,,,Love and Light,,,,XOX
11/23/17: Hi Ellie, my baby girl. Sorry I haven't been out here in a while--so many more of you passed and it was just too much to visit everyone's page. But please know I never stop loving and missing you,,,you all will be forever imprinted on my heart. It is Thanksgiving Day, and although that has been a sad day for me for years, I am always grateful and thankful for all the years of love and laughs you guys gave me. As you must know, Brinnie from your room went to the bridge about 3 months ago, and although I know you were a little afraid of her, I feel on the other side you came to be with her and help her through. Please keep visiting, as Squiggy is very lonely now that she's all alone in your suite and could use comfort from her mom :) Please know how much I love and miss you, always. Love and Light sweetie,,,XOX
12/25/17: Merry Christmas baby girl,,,I wanted you to know that a candle has been lit for all of you in your resting place to honor your lives and that your spirits live on. I love and miss you always,,,,,Love and Light baby girl,,,XOX
1/1/18: Hi baby,,,,today is New Year's Day and I came on to write on your boy's page, as this is the day he passed two years ago. But I wanted to visit you and let you know how much I miss you every day, and that no matter how it happens, or how long goes by, the pain of your loss is still there with a hole in my heart that will never mend. But I am learning more and more to focus on all the love and happiness you gave me for so many years, instead of remembering the sad day of loss, as it is your life that deserves the attention and honor, not your passing. I hope you can feel the big hug and kiss I'm sending you,,,I'll love and miss you always,,,,Love and Light sweet baby girl,,,XOX
1/26/18: Hi baby girl,,,,today is 5 years since you left,,I can hardly believe it has been that long,,,I can look down in my lap and still see your eyes looking up at me like it was yesterday. As I'm sure you know, your baby Squiggy is alone in your pen now, and I know she misses you so much. She has become so much more needy and I know she could use visits from you, so if you can please comfort her. I so miss your so soft fur and your knowing eyes, and your so sweet heart. Please know how much I still and always will love and miss you. Be well now my baby girl,,,,Love and Light sweetie,,,XOX
5/27/18: Hi baby girl,,,,today is one year since Precious left, and I came on to write for her anniversary and wanted to say hello to you and everyone. I hope you are with Jettie and Brinnie and you are okay, happy and well. I miss your soft nose and sweet eyes so much,,,,please know you are always in my heart. Love and Light baby girl,,,,XOX
9/29/18: Hi guys,,,,I came out just to say hello to all of you, as I feel you so much in the sunroom lately, and Precious--I feel you in Thomas' eyes every time he looks at me. I miss you all SO much,,,,every one of you had something so unique,,, and I remember everything we shared together and how you made me feel so lucky to be able to care for you. Please be with me now, as I'm sure you know I am fighting for the rest of us here and our home, and I need all the love and strength you can send. Always know how much you all mean to me, and how much I love and miss you every single day. Tears flow, but through them I try to smile by remembering all the good years of love and laughs and fun. All of you will forever be in my heart. Love and Light babies,,,,XOX
12/25/18: Hi baby,,,,it's Christmas and I'm missing you and all the others who have passed. As you know, except for my brief visit with my sister every Christmas, since my mother passed all I've had are you guys to cheer me up and get me through. I hope you know I still love you so much and always, always will. Merry Christmas Brinnie,,,,Kisses, hugs,,,,Love and Light,,,XOXOXOX
1/26/19: Hi baby girl,,,,I'm sorry I didn't come out on New Years,,,I was so depressed and sad I just couldn't bear visiting everyone. I hope you heard me tell you Happy New Year and how much I love and miss you.
Today it has been six years since you left,,,,I cannot even believe that is true, as I can still feel your soft ears and nose on my face like when I used to kiss your so soft face and especially the little spot above your nose. You are such a soft, sweet, gentle soul,,,and I love and miss you more than words can ever say. Please always know that, and know it will always, always be that way. Love and Light my sweet baby girl,,,,XOXOX
10/17/19: Hi sweetie girl,,,,I wanted you to know how sorry I am that I have not visited your page lately. As you may know, I lost more babies since my last visit and I've just not been able to cope when I see all your pages out here. But please never, ever doubt that you're in my thoughts, and will always, always be in my heart. Love and miss you baby,,,,Love and Light,,,mommy,,,XOXOXOXOXOXXX
1/26/20: Hi my sweetie girl,,,,today it has been 7 years since you left, and my heart still misses you so, so much. I still see your eyes looking up at me when I had to syringe feed you, and they spoke to me so clearly, it broke my heart---mommy, I know you're trying to help and that's why I'm trying to be good about it, but I hate these feedings--- and you would just stare at me so sweetly even though you hated it. I have to force myself to push those images out of my mind, because that was only a short period of your life, and to honor you I need to always remember all the wonderful years you gave me, with so much love and so many smiles and laughs, and such comfort when I'd hold you. You were also such a good mommy to your boys and girls, who are now all with you except for one, Squiggy. I hope they all found you and you are all together. And although Squiggy was always more secure off by herself, I'm sure you see now how lonely she can become without all of you here. I try my best to comfort her, but please still visit and let her know her fur mommy is there and is okay, and give her little kitty kisses. I miss your sweetness and your beautiful eyes and coat, and how soft you were. Both you and your Squiggy have the softest fur,,,I love and miss you so much my sweetie girl, and you will forever be in my heart. Love and Light my baby girl,,,,XOXOXOXOXXXXX
1/26/21: Hi my sweet baby girl,,,,do you know it's been 8 years since you left,,,I just can't believe so much time has gone by, yet I still feel like it was just yesterday I was able to kiss that softest spot on the top of your head,,,,I just don't think I'll ever agree with the saying that time heals all wounds, cause for me it's just like the words of the song I have for you guys---'time will bring you down, time will bend your knees, time can break your heart, have you begging please,,,'. I still ache to look into your loving, soft eyes, and feel your beautiful soft fur, and hear your gentle purr,,,,I hope you can feel my hand on your face and my kisses on your nose.
I am so sorry I have not been out here, but it's been such a horrible year, as we've had a pandemic from a virus. I had gotten it before anyone knew what it was, and was so sick for several months. I also have not been able to work, and the stress of losing the house has made me so depressed, cause as you know, I wouldn't be able to handle losing the rest of you guys that are still here. Please forgive me,,,it was just too much to bear to come visit all your pages.
Oh Ellie,,,you were such a good mommy, and I hope you're with your boys Jettie, Skylar, and Slater, and maybe even have made friends with Brinnie, as I'm sure she is so lonely. I also hope you can see how lonely Squiggy is without you, and that you come and visit her when you can. She is struggling with some issues lately, I think arthritis and cystitis, but is doing well otherwise. Please comfort her and let her know everything is okay,,,,she doesn't understand where you guys went or why. I love and miss you so much Ellie,,,I hope you can feel me hugging and kissing you right now,,,,, I hope you'll always feel me in your heart, and I hope you'll always know you'll be in mine forever, no matter how many years go by. You are imprinted in my heart and soul my beautiful girl. I will love and miss you always, my baby girl,,,,,Love and Lights sweetie,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX