My angel Ellie,,,,you started your life with me as a feral kittie at our horse farm. You had two litters of kittens before you would let me catch you :)|
I will never forget all the fun we had there with the horses and all the other kitties.
I brought you to my home over 6 years ago when grandpa passed away and you had to leave the farm, along with four of your babies, and a few others from our 'farm crew'. I wanted all of you to have the most similar setting you were used to, without the dangers of cars, other animals, or bad people, so I built you cat suites, with poles, beds, toys, and vertical shelving, with run-out pens so you could feel almost as free as you did at the farm. You seemed to enjoy this very much every day, and become so domesticated in such a short period of time; one of the sweetest girls I ever had.
Recently, you seemed to be uncomfortable while eating, and I thought you might be having issues with your teeth, as you were now 14 years old. I took you to the hospital, and sadly was told you had an inoperable tumor under your tongue that was extremely aggressive and not a type that would respond to any type of treatment, such as radiation or chemotherapy. My heart was torn apart, and I took you home.
I set up a room for you inside, as you were getting too weak to be back out in your pen unattended. For several weeks, we had your home vet come to do assisted feedings and to give you fluids. Your attitude was terrific; you were such a trooper, even when the tumor would bleed during feedings. You still wanted to sit in my lap afterward and purr the night away, and enjoyed when I took you outside and sat with you in your run-out area so you could get some air and sun, and when we would go down to the living room to sit on your favorite recliner.
Last week, you started to resist the feedings and seemed to be having a much harder time with them. Your vet said she felt the tumor was now taking up more space in your mouth, making it more difficult for you to maneuver your tongue and eat, and that in a short time, there would be no space left and could also make breathing difficult for you. Again, my heart was breaking for you.
The next few days, you started to sit on my chest and just stare at me directly in the eyes. I remember almost 'hearing' you saying 'please help me'.
So although you were already weakened and saddened by the feedings, you still had a great attitude. But I decided it was selfish of me to wait until you were in such a bad, painful state, possibly gasping to breathe, and rapidly starving to death, to make the decision to let you go. I wanted you to go with some dignity left, as you did nothing but give me unconditional love and laughs your whole life.
I scheduled our vet to come to our home last night, and your passing was as peaceful as I had hoped. You purred in my lap as long as you could. I then took you this morning to your cremation, brought you home, and set up your memorial here and at home. I still see you everywhere and hope you can see me as well.
I will miss you terribly, but have some of your babies here to always remind me what a good mommy you were, as well as one of my most loving girls. I was blessed to have you for 14 years and hope you are eating and drinking and jumping again the way you used to, pain free and whole again.
Always in my heart,
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven.
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
2/9/13: Hi baby,,,two weeks,,,seems like yesterday at times, and others an eternity, since I held you and petted that oh-so-soft spot on your nose.
If tears could build a stairway, and memories a lane, I'd come right up to Heaven, and bring you home again,,,,
5/26/13: Hey baby,,,4 months and it still feels like yesterday,,,,always missing you and seeing your tiny face and sweet eyes. Your boy Slater has been having some mouth problems also, but thankfully not a cancer, at least so far (as you know, he cannot tolerate the hospital, so Dr. Jarvis has been coming here to treat with antibiotics; so far he is responding well.) Another month has gone by, yet it still hits the pit of my stomach when the memories of what you went through come rushing back--I guess that's normal, but I'm now trying to keep them at bay and focus on the good times and the sweetness you brought to my life. Unconditional love---it is the best. Love and light always,,,XOX
6/26/13: Hi sweetie. Five months and I can't believe how it all can seem like yesterday sometimes. As I'm sure you know, I've been going through some hard times. I pray every day that God will give me the ability to keep us all together, because as you know, most of your crew would not do well in another home or God forbid a shelter. Since I know you are now one of our guardian angels, please send us one of your kitty blessings :) You are always in my heart and will be forever. Miss you so much baby girl. Love and light to you always,,,XOX
11/27/13: Hi my sweet baby girl. I hope you are with me. As you know, I've been working very hard and trying to stay focused. Although I'm sure you know and hopefully had met him at the bridge, I went in to feed dinner tonight and found Slater passed away on the floor. Skylar looked very confused and it was so heartbreaking. But after watching what you endured, I guess I have to be grateful that he did not have to suffer, and hopefully his passing was quick. We think it was his heart or a clot, but cannot be certain. Maybe you know? I was paralyzed with grief. I can only hope he is with you and you are both healthy and happy again. I miss you baby--please send your kitty blessings to Skylar as he seems very lonely and confused and could use your comfort as well as mine. Love and light baby girl. XOX
1/26/14: Baby girl, today is one year since you left my life,,,it still can sometimes feel like yesterday. I hope you know how much it hurt to lose you, but I know how much it was hurting you to be here. I also hope you are with your baby boy Slater, and that you both are fulfilling whatever it is you are destined to do there. Your barn mate Comet is also now fighting cancer,,,the vet believes it's intestinal. Although the vet could not find anything wrong with his mouth, he seems to have some trouble eating, like something is hurting him. Before you, it had been so long since I had to lose one of you guys, and now it may be three in such a short time. But I guess I have to be thankful for having you at all, and that for many years you all were fine. Please send Comet a kitty blessing and take care of Slater; I'm sure although he had to leave, he was very happy to see you. Please also keep Skylar from being too lonely---visit him and give him a soft kiss when you can. Miss you baby girl,,,,love and light. XOX
2/13/14: Hi baby girl. Just wanted to let you know that your barn mate Comet came to the bridge on 2/11/14--I hope you and Slater were able to meet him there. He fought a cancer just like you did, although his was in his intestine. Please be a mommy to him, as he was so close with his sister Lucky that I'm sure he will need some comforting. Miss you so much angel. Love and light to you. XOX
11/26/14: Hi sweetie face. A year ago (11/27), your baby boy Slater came to the bridge. As I'm sure you know, your other boy Skylar has had such a hard time with losing him, and although you two didn't share a pen, I know you've been there to comfort him as Slater has been also. Your sweet tiny face and loving eyes are burned into my soul. As I've always told all of you, you are not just in my heart, you ARE my heart. Please know I love and miss you terribly. Love and Light baby girl XOX
1/26/15: My baby girl,,,can't understand how it's been two years since you crossed over and yet it still feels like yesterday. Your soft eyes looking into mine during your illness, with such an understanding that I was only trying to help you, even though it was not pleasant for you. Your resilience and strength, your desire to live, was amazing, and has taught me so much. I so miss your softness, your sweetness, and the touch of your nose to mine. I will always love and miss you, and you will always be in my heart---all of you ARE my heart. May you be well now and happy, and sharing love with your boy Slater.
1/3/16: Hi sweet baby girl,,,,Merry Christmas and Happy New Year,,,I am so sorry I haven't written sooner and that I could not visit during the holidays,,,as you know, things were not good here and it was a hard time and a hard year. But I felt you here and I know you saw your stocking. As you may know, your baby Jettie went to the bridge very early on new year's morning. If you were too busy playing, please find him, give him kitty kisses, and take care of him. He missed you terribly when you left as I'm sure you missed him, and I know you'll be so happy to be with each other again. I asked Slater to do the same, as he was his half brother, and I asked Comet as well. I hope you are all feeling well again and playing, and feel the love that is still in my heart. I feel you every day and thank you for watching over me. Love and light baby girl,,,,XOX
1/26/16: Hi my sweet girl,,,I can't believe it has been three years since you left. Your sweet eyes looking up into mine during your syringe feedings are forever etched in my soul,,,like you were saying 'I know you're trying to help me mommy, and I love you for that, but I know something is really wrong, and I'm sad." But I'm forcing myself to remember all your good years, and those eyes smiling into mine with love, and you feeling well. I can only have faith that you feel that way again now. I hope you met Jettie recently at the bridge and are giving him your 'mommy' love again,,,,he really missed you when you left. I so miss your soft nose,,,,,I love you so much sweetie, and always will. Love and light my baby girl. XOX
11/27/16: Hi my Ellie Bella,,I signed on to renew your baby boy Slater's residency and to put up Christmas stockings on your pages. As I wrote to him, I cannot believe how time passes and how it still feels like yesterday that I lost any of you. I miss looking into the sweetness of your eyes Ellie,,,,you had such a 'knowing' in them that always reminded me how we are all connected somehow, human and animal, as we all are spirit. As you may know, your cousin Onyx recently went to the bridge. I've asked the others to help guide him, and will ask you specifically as well, since you were a mommy and know how to comfort the best :) I will always miss the softness of your sweet little nose,,,what a beautiful girl you are. Please know I'll always love and miss you sweetie,,,,Love and light baby girl,,,,XOX
1/26/17: Oh my sweet girl,,can it really be four years since you had to leave--it just does not seem so. It keeps teaching me how valuable time really is, yet that it is also a concept, as love never fades when unconditional---it is ingrained in our hearts always. I hope you have heard me talk to you and know how much it still hurts me that you're not here. I still see your loving eyes when I close mine. When I look at Squiggy or Skylar, it reminds me what a good mommy you were when we were all at the farm. As you know, I've had to learn to accept losing five of you guys in the last four years, and it never, ever gets easier. But I know you belong to God, and are only on loan to me, and for the time I've been blessed to share with you, I am grateful. I've learned so much about life, love, and commitment from having all of you in my life. The pain of losing you is just the debt I have to pay for all the years of connection and love. I know you may not visit a lot--who would want to be in your suite when you can be out running and playing in fields and meadows :) But please come to me every once in a while and put your little paw on my heart. I love and miss you so much baby girl,,,,Love and Light,,,,XOX