Feb 4,2013. Brinkley was just a sweet boy. He was born deaf and followed me from room to room from the first day he entered my life at 8 weeks old. He's been my constant tail wagging happy boy for 14yrs. I feel his absence everywhere I go in the house and I'll miss him forever. He was perfect and beautiful...and my heart will ache on this date February 4.....forever. |
Feb 5, 2013 Good morning my sweet boy. It's 4 o'clock in the morning and I'm up...cannot sleep and missing you, my sweet Brinkley, so very much. I would give anything to have it be 24hrs ago when you were still sleeping on your bed. I guess I'm up early because I know the change of our morning routine will be unbearable without you. My tears have not stopped since you left yesterday morning at 9am. I didn't know I'd be coming home without you. I'm haunted now by thinking I should have taken you home for one more day just so we could have a "proper goodbye" after 14yrs of being together. One more hug, one more treat, one more walk, one more snooze by the fireplace....one more of everything. Why didn't I do that? I guess that God knew that there really wasn't any good time for us to say goodbye and it would be easier if quicker. I didn't want you to suffer and that was my only question for the doctor..."is he suffering". His answer was, "yes". That's why, my sweet boy, that's why I chose to say goodbye at that very moment. I didn't even give myself time to realize what was going to happen. I was dazed and maybe in shock at that moment and not knowing that was the time I should have hugged you tighter, told you over and over what a perfect good boy you were and how much joy you brought to my life every second for 14yrs. I'm sorry I was too stunned to say that over and over to you. But at least, we did look at each other and you gave me one last kiss.....as if you knew what was happening. I'll always remember you're warmth and love and how you leaned into me with your head and face nuzzled into my arm for comfort. I hope you felt my love and that it made it easier for you to leave. Isabel is sleeping on the bed you sometimes shared and she's on the edge of it as if you were still there next to her. I wish you were....maybe you are. I hope so. She missed barking at you last night to get up and head for the bedroom to go to sleep for the night. She never went into the bedroom unless you were following her. Last night she just stood in the middle of the room and looked at me not quite sure what she was supposed to do. She still barked, so maybe she sees your spirit. It comforts me to think that is so. Please don't be afraid. I know how anxious you get when away from home and I'm not around. You are safe and hopefully you have met some furry friends to run with. I also hope that Nanny and Papa were there to greet you. They always loved you. So, my beautiful boy, you are Nanny's boy now and she will take good care of you, you know that. I miss you all so very much. I'm not quite sure how I'll get through my days...every minute of the day without you when your absence is so strong. I will check in with a "cookie" later... Love, mom.
Feb 5, 2013...Good morning again sweet Brinkley. Here's your "cookie" as we would have just returned from your morning outside run down the hill. It's been a difficult morning so far because you're not here. I hope a new routine will become real to me soon because this is so painful.
Feb.5,2013 Goodnight sweet B.
Feb.6,2013 Good morning Brinks. I'm agonizing over your absence. We didn't have a proper goodbye and it's haunting me. Please forgive me for not taking you home one last time so I could have told you how much you meant to me, how much I loved you and to put you at ease. I didn't and the tears won't stop. I miss you so much. I know how frightened you are when in a strange place and I'm not there and knowing that is a torturing thought. I feel we are both lost.
I hope we meet again someday and I see your wagging tail and you leaping through the snow gleefully, as you did that last morning before I took you to the vet and ended your life a day too soon. I wouldn't blame you if you bit me for leaving you the way I did with no closure. But, I also know you would never do that. You were my sweet gentle boy. I just cannot accept the fact that I didn't take a little more time to spend with you before letting you go. It was a mistake that I'm having trouble forgiving myself for. I will pick up your ashes and bring you home again...maybe that will bring some peace, just knowing your home where you were happiest. I dont know.
The leather ottoman here still has the indentation of you laying on it and some of the scratches you made to settle in. I removed the quilt I'd put there to protect it from more scratches. I'm so grateful for those scratches left by you now because they're your's and will be there forever.
It is so empty here even with little Isabel and Lily around. They are quiet at 4lbs each. You were a significant presence and you are missed by all of us. I want you back . Please forgive me for letting you go so abruptly because I am a mess over it. I loved you, everyone did..you were the best.
Feb. 7, 2013. Good moring sweet boy. This is my 3rd morning without you and it's getting worse for me not better. I made an appointment to speak with the vet this afternoon just so I can get some closure on what exactly happened and why it seemed so urgent to let you leave at that very moment. The word "suffer" is what took over and I never wanted you to suffer...not for one second. After I heard that word, I was dazed. So, I now need to know about all the things that took over your beautiful body as you aged. Hopefully, it will all make sense once I hear it and bring me closer to some peace in this broken heart of mine. I miss you so much....and so does Isabel. She seems to sitting in for you .... she now lays in the computer room on your cushion when I'm in there, as you did.....she never did that before. And she sleeps on your bed too instead of under the bed on her soft mat. It probably helps her to be near where you were.
The skies are weeping too .....it's raining this morning so I know you aren't missing going outside here today. You didn't like being out in the rain....and who can blame you?!? So, we'll stay inside today. :) Oh, how I miss you....For 14yrs I took for granted you're being by my side at all times. What I would give to be able to pet you, rub your ears and say "good morning sweet boy" as you wagged your tail. I still say it but you're not there. I hope you can hear me now! Deaf all your life but I've been told that where you are, all things that were wrong, are right. So, hopefully is a whole new hearing world for you. I miss and love you Brinkley.... later...
Good night Brinks. I had a somewhat better evening....because I wasn't home to feel the emptiness here without you. I went to the vet today just to talk about the worst day of my life..the day you left my life on Monday. He assured me my decision was one of compassion and love and it was the right decision to keep you from suffering. I'm still trying to forgive myself for not taking you outside for one more minute to say goodbye, however, the vet said it would have been more difficult to take you back inside to do what needed to be done. He is right...I think. I still need to convince myself of that. I do feel a bit better after a little emotional brainwashing from the vet.
Off to bed. I listen for for your snoring and it's not there and I don't look forward to the mornings when I don't hear the jingle of your nametag.... 'nite sweet boy.
Feb. 8, 2013. Good morning B. I slept too late this morning because I didn't hear the jingle of your nametag waking me up. I miss our morning routine and feel like I'm not even home. Lost. So, this morning, I changed it up a little just to make it a little easier to deal with your absence. The worst part is, my world seems empty even though Isabel and Lily are still here. I never realized how much space you took up in my life. At the moment I have absolutely no reason to go out of this house. Perhaps when the weather warms up, I'll have to take Isabel and Lily out for more walks although they never enjoyed them as much as you. Isabel misses you too....she's right here beside me as I'm on the computer, where you used to be. She is stepping in for you. :)
Chicago is supposed to get alot of snow today but not us. A week ago, I was saying how much I was looking forward to a beautiful heavy, quiet snowfall so I could take you out in it especially late at night when it was so peaceful. You loved snow so much and used to be so gleeful as you leaped and jumped around in it, having so much fun. I couldn't help but smile to watch you having such fun. And now I pray for no snow at all. The tears will surely fall at the first sight of a fluffy flake. I miss you so much. My heart just aches. Later......
Feb.9,2013....Good morning my sweet boy....I wake up still not knowing what time it is. Not ready to get a "real" clock yet. The mornings are still very strange and sad for me and confusing for Isabel and Lily. I pulled out all the pictures I have of you and have them on the table. I also pulled out the needlepoint piece of you I started some years ago and never finished. Now I have a reason to do so. I was originally going to make it into a pillow but now, after completeing the stitching I'm going to have it made into a small mat to place on "your" leather ottoman where the indentation of your body is. Perfect and now I have a reason to finish it. It looks exactly like you....one blue eye and all. I miss you so much and it will be a comfort to me to look over and see the image of you on the ottoman. Later.....
Feb. 9,2013 Just checking in to say goodnight Brinks. Remember how you barked when you went to the groomer because I wasn't there and they tossed a magazine on the floor and you stopped barking and just laid down? It was a standing joke from that point on that if you made any noise they'd just give you something to read. Well, your new friend Jake's mom (Gloria) gave you a newspaper to read on your guest book site. :) Very cute. It's the first time I've smiled all week.
Good night my sweet boy....
Feb.10,2013.... Good morning to you Brinks. It's a rainy morning here today and just know you would have been giving me "the look" as you just stood there under a tree not doing what you were supposed to be doing and wanting to come in. So, this would have been one of those mornings where we kept going in and out until you decided a few raindrops wouldn't melt you. Silly boy. I hope you're enjoying your day romping in the meadow...maybe one with snow that you loved so much. Later.....
Feb. 10,2013...Good night B. It was a rough evening and I wish I could turn the clock back one week. Good night sweet boy.
Feb. 11,2013..Good morning Brinkley. It has been one week since you left. There are no words to express the sadness I feel today...love/miss you so much...
"They will not go quietly, the dogs that shared our lives.
In subtle ways they let us know their spirit still survives.
Old habits still make us think we hear a barking at the door.
Or step back when we drop a tasty morsel on the floor.
Our feet still go around the place the food dish used to be,
And sometimes, coming home at night, we miss them terribly.
And although time may bring new friends and a new food dish to fill,
That one place in our hearts belongs to them... and always will."
Feb. 12,2013...Today I went looking for other condo's...with more windows. I think the lack of light and windows in this one is making my days sadder especially since you've been gone. I doubt if I'll go anywhere, but it's difficult to think about staying here without you and so mnay routines we had and not be able to do them anymore. I can barely stand checking the mail or looking out the front door where you used to run down the hill. Isabel and Lily are keeping me company checking the mail downstairs but it's just not the same without you. As the song goes, "Can't Smile Without You....I'm finding it hard to do much of anything without you..." I'm watching Westminster Dog Show again tonight. Last night I saw the most beautiful Tibetan Terrier....like you in your prime. :) Later.....
Feb. 12,2013....Good night B.
Feb. 13, 2013... Good morning sweet boy. Today I was to bring you, Isabel and Lily to be groomed...now it's only Isabel and Lily. All these first's are
difficult. The groomer will be
asking, "what happened to our sweet boy?". Having to relive that day explaining won't be easy. I also just recieved a phone call from the
vets office telling me your ashes are ready. I'll be there to come and get you and take you home very soon. Later......
How fitting that I picked up your ashes on Ash Wednesday. I'm happy you're home. Good night, B.
Feb. 14 2013.... Happy Valentine's Day. Here's an extra treat. My heart is still broken.
Good night Brinks...
Feb. 15 2013..... Awfully quiet and dull around here without you, my sweet boy.
Feb. 16 2013..... Still missing you so much. Missing out trips outside. good night, B.
Feb. 17,2013...... A cleaning day today. Thought of you while I was moving stuff around and the looks you would have been giving me as I kept moving your cushion.
It made me smile with a little sadness in my heart wishing you were still here. I know you're "around" . Good night, sweet boy.
Feb. 18, 2013...Definitely not your kind of day to go outside! It's pouring down rain. Stay dry and warm, my sweet boy. :)
Feb. 19, 2013.....Thinking of sweet Brinkley alot today....probably because it's so cold out and was thinking about how quick out outside trips would've been.
Good night sweet boy. It's been two weeks already...
Feb. 20, 2013...Hi my sweet Brinkley. I miss you so much. We're supposed to get a snow storm tomorrow afternoon and will miss you terribly because it will remind
me how much you loved the snow. I'll miss you leaping and running with glee in it. The tears are already filling my eyes at the thougt.. I miss u
Good night, my sweet boy.
Feb. 21, 2013...Well, it started to snow but it's not "our" kind of snow...just a powdering so far. I'm glad because you're not here to enjoy "real" snow. Nite.
Feb. 22,23,24...Another weekend without you. I can't believe how empty it feels here...you took alot with you when you left, my sweet boy I miss you every day.
"...the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they're gone...I guess I just miss my friend"
Feb. 25, 2013..Having a tough time this weekend Brinks. And now a snowstorm is coming tonight. I hope they're wrong. Not sure I'll handle it well without
you to take out in it. It's just been hard without you yesterday and today... I'm so sad. Tears will put me to sleep tonight... Goodnight
my sweet boy.
Feb. 26, 2013...Oh how it snowed today Brinkley!! I imagined you leaping through the snow with your hair and ears blowing in the wind gleefully. It made me
smile as my eye's filled up remembering it all. I wanted so much to be outside with you today. Instead, I never left the house. I don't
like this change at all. Goodnight my sweet boy. I really really do miss you.
Feb. 27, 2013.. Just about 6 inches of snow here. I didn't even go out in it. Goodnight B.
Feb. 28, 2013...A dreary day Brinks...
Mar. 1 - 3, 2013... It's another weekend and I wish you were here to take out for a long walk. Still amazed how empty it feels here without you. I used to be
alone but not lonely with you here... Now I'm lonely. It's not a good place to be.
Mar. 4,2013...Well, my sweet boy, it's been exactly one month to the day and date that you left my world. It seems like yesterday and also like forever...and
you are so very missed. One month ago today, I couldn't even speak and could not be consoled. I can now speak......but my heart still hurts.
I miss you.
Mar. 9,2013... I thought of you this morning and how I'd have to make several attempts taking you outside to do your business....in the rain that you disliked. :)
Mar. 27,2013...It's spring but it still feels like winter and still missing you so much, sweet boy. I wish you were here. Goodnight B.
Mar. 28,2013..I left you an Easter Basket and changed your corner of the world to Spring. Miss you every day.
Mar. 30,2013..Happy Easter Brinkley. Miss you..
April 4,2013.... Two months ago this morning since I last saw you and it seems painfully longer because I miss you so much . My mornings are empty without you.
April 11,2013...Good morning sweet boy. You would not like it today here.....more rain and not a good day to romp outside for you. :) I've met some nice "dog
people" online and showed your picture and shared stories. Talking about you inspired me to check in and say hello today. Miss you everyday.
April 21,2013 Good morning B. Just thinking about you.....
May 6,2013.. Hey sweet boy. I have some news to tell you. I could no longer stand not walking a furry sweet friend and the thought of another snowy day
this next winter without someone to share it with. So, we have someone new here to remind me of you...Cooper. He looks very much like
you only he's brown and white and he's an Australian Labradoodle. He's 5mos. old and doesn't know any of the things you knew yet. But he'll
learn. :) I know you'd love him and accept him into your heart as you did everyone. I'll tell Cooper all about you. I'll try to post a picture
of young Cooper so you can see him. No one takes my sweet boy Brinkley's place....but there is enough love to share. :)
June1,2013...Hey B. It's hard to believe that on June 4 it will be 4 months since you left. It seems like forever and I still miss you and
think of you every day. You're picture and ashes (in a beautiful mahogony box w your name on it) are right where I can see you.
Cooper is doing very well. He's potty trained and is so much like you in temperment. He's kind and loving and lets Isabel and Lily
eat his food just like you did. lol I miss you .. always.
June 4, 2013... Four months today since you left. It seems like forever ago. Miss you ...still.
July 24, 2013.... Still feels liek forever since you left and it's only 6 mos. Miss you. Cooper is sweet like you but has some growing up to do. :)
Sept. 6,2013... Just stopping by to say to give you a hug. I take Cooper to dog school and he's doing ok. He reminds me so much of you..the same
sweet nature and gentleness. He also allows Isable and Lily to take his treats and eat out of his food bowl. lol I think of you of
often...actually all the time since Cooper looks and acts like you. :) I'm lucky. Miss you...
October 6, 2013 HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRINKLEY!!! You would've been 14yrs old. I hope you're having fun romping around, eating popcorn and doing all
the things that make you happy and wag your tail. :) Love and miss you. Have a happy day!!
December 21, 2013 You'll be missed this Christmas, Brinkley. It seems like you've been gone longer than you have. You're still missed and thought of.
You're hard to replace... so I have two labradoodles trying to fill the space where you would lay here at home. Millie arrived here
in August to keep Cooper company. She's wonderful and you'd like her. I'll post a picture for you to see. :)
Jan. 2, 2014 It's a new year and almost one year since you left. Still think of you, sweet boy.
FEB. 4,2014.....IT'S BEEN ONE YEAR SINCE YOU LEFT HOME, BRINKLEY. I still think of you all the time and you are missed around here. I always talk about you to friends...never forgotten.
It doesn't seem like one year.... I still feel the same tears when I think of this day one year ago....our last trip to the vet's office. The worst day of the year.
Anyway, still thinking about you as you remain on a shelf in my heart forever.
JANUARY 4,2015....Another new year and almost two years since you left. Still think about you. Such a good dog.
FEB 4, 2015.... Good morning sweet Brinkley. Still hard to believe you're not here. Two years today. I miss you everyday. I have my needlepoint mat of you on top of your ottoman and see you daily. :) You'll always be missed. Such a good boy... I left you some popcorn to enjoy. :) You always loved it.
January 11, 2016..... Another year and now just about 3 yrs since you left. Life is getting in the way of my keeping up with posting here but I think of you all the time and still see the indentation on the ottoman where you rested. I have a needlepoint mat of you that I stitched and laid there, so, in a sense you're still there. :) You are never forgotten. Such a good boy. I left you some blankets to cuddle in on these cold winter days.
February 1, 2016... Just thiking of you...
February 4, 2016.... It's been 3yrs since you left, sweet boy. Still think of you all the time and have the needlepoint pad I stitched of you sitting on "your" ottoman. I see you everyday. :)
June 10, 2016...Just thinking of you today B. Missing you and think of you often as I have a needlepoint mat that I stitched of you and have it on "your" leather ottoman (still with your indentation on it from laying there) :)
September 19, 2016.....ISABEL left today.... Hey Brinkley, have you seen sweet little Isabel yet? It was Isabel's time to join you today, so I told her she would be safe with you. I know she'll be happy to see you. I miss you both...the best dogs ever. I'm happy you have each other now.....together again.
Isabel was the tiniest little yorkie... a Biewer Yorkie...all white with black and tan markings ... gorgeous girl and so sweet. she loved to lay by the fire with her best friend you,Brinkley and when you left, she would still bark at the cushion by the fire at bedtime to let you know it was time to go into the bedroom...and then she would look at me wondering where you were. It was both sad and sweet to watch. She missed you. But no more...she is now with you again all safe and cozy. :) That thought brings me comfort. Both missed. Thank you both for spending your years with me.
January 29, 2017... It's a new year and another one without you sweet Brinkley...and a few months without little Isabel. I miss you both and hope you're happily cuddled up together in front of a fire. :)
February 4,2017. Well, it's been 4 years since you left, sweet boy. I hope you and Isabel are enjoying each others company. :) She missed you and don't think she was ever the same after you left. Now she has you again to curl up next to. :) Still missing you both here.
January 30,2018.... Another year has gone by without you Brinkley.. year 5 and it's hard to believe you've been gone so long and little Isabel 1 1/2 yrs. I hope you're keeping each other company. Missing both of you.....
February 4,2018.... 5 yrs. you've been gone Brinkley and Isabel 1 1/2. It doesn't seem that long and at the same time it seems like forever. I sit here writing and remembering you both and the tears still flow. Always missed.....Such good dogs you are. I left you both a ham bone to enjoy.
February 26,2018...Hey Brinks and Isabel. Well, I'm here and once again in tears. It happens every time I come here for a visit. I was inspired to because a friend of mine just lost his dog, Rob Roy... If you see him give him a great big welcome. I'm thinking of sending my friend this page to see but fearful he'll never stop crying and I don't want him to feel any more miserable than he already does. Will have to think about sending it to him or not. It looks like spring out but it's still chilly. I'll change the background of your page to spring since it's supposed to be 60 tomorrow. :) Later.. miss you two. Love, Mom.
April 9,2018..... Hey Brinks and Isabel, have you seen Lily? Lily "left" home on Easter morning one week ago (April 1). A shock because she was fine and happy. We were in Springfield when she chose to leave. Heart breaking here and tears still flowing... Please keep her safe with you two. Missing my three sweet puppies. :(
January 21, 2019....... Hey Brinks, Isabel and Lily....Missing all of you and wanted to tell you that your cousin Jen is somewhere there with you. Please look for her as she loved all dogs and will be missing her Tinkerbell who she left here. Sad time. :( I hope you see Rob Roy there as I spend lots of time with his dad who still misses him so. Let him know that. :) It's a new year and I still think and miss you all.
February 4,2019...... Six years ago this morning I watched you run up the steps gleefully without any problem after going out, took you to the vet to find out why you were having a hard time catching your breath at random times..... and drove home without you. I asked if you were suffering and the answer was "yes". Because of that I had to let you go. :( I didn't know and had no preparation for you leaving forever. I'm crying as I write this. My decision to let you go that morning 6 yrs ago still haunts me. It haunted me so much at that time that I had to go back to talk to Dr. Bob, the vet the following week to verify I'd made the right decision. He told me that if you were his dog, he would have done the same thing. Closure. Still missing you and remembering you on this day sweet Brinks. You're up there with Lily, Isabel and Nanny who loved you so much..and Papa...and also your new friend Rob Roy. Take care of each other and know that you're all still missed and loved very much and fill our thoughts with happy one's of all of you. :)
THE RAINBOW CONNECTION
Why are there so many songs about rainbows
and what's on the other side?
Rainbows are visions, but only illusions,
and rainbows have nothing to hide.
So we've been told and some choose to believe it.
I know they're wrong, wait and see.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
Who said that every wish would be heard
and answered when wished on the morning star?
Somebody thought of that and someone believed it.
Look what it's done so far.
What's so amazing that keeps us star gazing
and what do we think we might see?
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
All of us under its spell. We know that it's probably magic.
Have you been half asleep and have you heard voices?
I've heard them calling my name.
Is this the sweet sound that called the young sailors.
The voice might be one and the same.
I've heard it too many times to ignore it.
It's something that I'm supposed to be.
Someday we'll find it, the rainbow connection.
The lovers, the dreamers and me.
OVER THE RAINBOW
Somewhere over the rainbow, way up high
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby.
Somewhere over the rainbow, skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream,
Really do come true.
Someday I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me.
Where troubles melt like lemon drops,
High above the chimney tops,
That's where you'll find me.
Somewhere over the rainbow, blue birds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
Why, oh why can't I?
The Last Battle
If it should be that I grow frail and weak,
And pain should keep me from my sleep,
Then will you do what must be done,
For this, the last battle, can't be won.
You will be sad I understand,
But don't let grief then stay your hand,
For on this day, more than the rest,
Your love and friendship must stand the test.
We have had so many happy years,
You wouldn't want me to suffer so.
When the time comes, please, let me go.
Take me to where to my needs they'll tend,
Only, stay with me till the end
And hold me firm and speak to me,
Until my eyes no longer see.
I know in time you will agree,
It is a kindness you do to me.
Although my tail its last has waved,
From pain and suffering I have been saved.
Don't grieve that it must be you,
Who has to decide this thing to do;
We've been so close,we two, these years,
Don't let your heart hold any tears.
To Where You Are
"Who can say for certain
Maybe you're still here
I feel you all around me
Your memories so clear
.... And you are watching over me from up above?
Fly me up to where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight....
To see you...
If only for awhile to know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
Are you gently sleeping
Here inside my dream
And isn't faith believing
All power can't be seen
As my heart holds you
Just one beat away
I cherish all you gave me everyday
'Cause you are mine
Watching me from up above
And I believe
That angels breathe
And that love will live on and never leave
Fly me up
To where you are
Beyond the distant star
I wish upon tonight
To see you ....
If only for awhile
To know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are
I know you're there
A breath away's not far
To where you are