She Saved Me
by lauren
Thank you for everything. Thank you for being there for my during the hardest years of my life and making them beautiful. I found a different kind of intense comfort in you within weeks of meeting you and we formed a connection that no one could understand. You didn’t know me at first but you had no choice but to get used to me as for the next five years I would never leave your side, and you mine.
The blessing of having you for that much time is what kept me standing during periods where I should have fallen down. The simple fact of knowing that you were home waiting for me after a long and difficult day always kept me going, it gave me drive to get back to you.
The meows you let out when you saw me mimicked the excited squeals I let out when I laid eyes on your cute, beautiful face. I’ll never forget the sound of your meows, Storm. I’ll never delete any of the videos with you excessively meowing at me to feed you or to just give you rubs, I’ll never be able to delete anything of you.
I wont be able to sleep knowing that i’ll never have your nose against me and your body curled up against my side again. I wont be able to sleep mainly because I feel like I was robbed of time with you, and if I had known the end was coming I would have sweat my ass off on those nights where I said “storm, its too hot!” I would have kept you there, forever.
I am so sorry, stormy, I am so fucking sorry. I want to be able to say that I could have saved you but I know deep down there was nothing we could do but love you until time took you away. I am angry at the fact that you would have been here for many years longer had cancer not stolen that chance. I am heart broking knowing that I wont ever be able to look into your gorgeous, big green eyes as we fell asleep together, our heads on the same pillow, ever again.
But I take comfort in knowing that you know I love you. You know this because I told you every second of every single moment I spent with you. You know that I am grateful for the love you provided in my life because I told you this constantly, especially when I held you towards the end and you pushed your little head against my hand.
I want to kiss your forehead for many more years. I want you to crawl over the pillows while I sleep for many more years. I want you to claw at the door for many more years, shaking it back and forth to tell us you want in or out. I want to feed you that smelly Fancy Feast that you love so much, picky little girl. I want to clean the litter-box. I want to brush you. I want to do everything I “complained” about when time was of the essence. But most of all, I want you to be okay. I dont want you to be in pain and you know I was obsessing over it for months, trying to become your nurse in those horrible moments, but it does not help the pain I feel inside. Knowing you will not be there at the beginning and end of the day makes it seem like the day shouldn’t even begin. Please, don’t think we wanted to do this. Please understand that you being in pain is something I never wanted you to experience. Please send us a sign that you are still with us because I don’t want to live in a world without you.
I love you so much stormy, my squish, my squeam, squeamboyant, mushu, memu, my baby. I love you. I cant even say “I will miss you” because it goes beyond that. there will be a Storm shaped hole in my life forever, and nothing will fill that. You gave me reason, you gave me hope and you gave me more love than I could ever thank you for. I hope I did the same for you.
I love you. Daddy loves you. You were unconditionally loved and always will be the hardest goodbye I’ve ever had to say.
Comments would be appreciated by the author, lauren
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