by Lindsay Wanalista
Life without Lacey is hard. She passed late Saturday night or early Sunday morning, and I was asleep. I feel so guilty because i wasn't there for her, holding her when she went. We found Lacey was having kidney failure, so for the last month I had hand fed her twice a day, and gave her her medicines, while my dad gave her the IV to keep her hydrated. I never left her side. For a month I stayed home with her, telling her how much I loved her. I would come straight home from school, pick her up out of her bed, and she would lay her head on my shoulder while I sat on the couch, and she would fall asleep just like that. I would pet her side, and kept telling her how much i loved her, and how she was my best friend. I never thought she would go so soon. The past two days before she went, Lacey couldn't stand up. She couldn't let me know she had to go outside, and she wouldn't even eat when i hand fed her through a siringe. I knew things were bad. I had a feeling it was our last night together, but I didn't want to believe it. I laid my head down next to hers, and I looked her in the eye and told her she was my very best friend, and I never wanted to lose her, and i loved her more than anything. She was my heart. She looked right back at me, and wagged her tail. I just started laughing and crying, because I knew it wasn't too long before she went, but i'm glad she knew she meant everything to me. I changed her diaper, and gave her a kiss, and again told her how much I loved her. My dad went upstairs to bed, and I slept on the couch, next to her. I remember before we went upstairs she would try to cuddle with us, but she couldn't move much because her back legs weren't functioning. While I was sleeping, I woke up because i heard her scooting around, and told her: "I'm still here, Lacey, I'm not gonna leave you. Settle down." I feel so bad that was the last thing i said to her..she was my life, and i loved her more then you can imagine. I should have held her, and told her i loved her and slept on the floor with her. Then, i would have been with her when she went. I woke up the next morning, with a smile on my face when i looked at her, but my smile quickly faded, as i ran and screamed: "Is Lacey dead?!" It was the worst morning of my life. My mom tried talking to her, and my dad and I just cried. I sat with her, and kissed her and told her how much i'd miss her. My mom and dad gave me hugs, but it didn't help. We wrapped her in a sheet and took her upstairs. I would find myself going in the room where she was, and i would unwrap her, and sit with her, just giving her little kisses, and talking to her. God, i miss her so much. She was my best friend for 11 years, and never left my side once. We took her to the Pet Haven Cemetery, where the man promised he would take care of my baby. We watched as he put her in the casket, and i slipped in a note and a poem i had written her. I just stood there, petting her, and looking at her one last time. My hands get numb when I think about her, and my heart breaks. It will be a miracle if i don't die of a broken heart, soon. I have her collar around my arm, with her tags dangling and clinking together, sounding like she's still here. I have her picture in front of me, and i kiss it and talk to it like it was her, and i sleep with it at night. Last night was the first night without her, and it was the worst ever, only because she wasn't here. I asked her to show me a sign that she was alright, that she was safe. I said a bird chirping would be good, but all birds chirp this time of year where we are, so i brushed it off. Around midnight last night, I was laying on the floor, and quickly sat up. There was a bird chirping outside my window at midnight! I looked out and said: "I hear you, babygirl." Now I know she is safe, but I still wish she was here with me. I miss you babygirl, and I still love you with all my heart. I'll visit you soon. I love you...God, I love you.