I have a Cinnamon chow and his name is Soudie. So named for the color of his fur,the same color of the sand over in Saudi Arabia. I luv him so very much. Back when I first got him, I never knew what a wonderful friend and companion he could be for my kids and I. We luv him very much. With him aging we all get a wee bit worried. See...I was engaged when I bought him. At that time we had a house,new son and everything seemed like heaven. Just before we introduced this wonderful friend into our lives, I had brought home a wonderful little kitten...some people were going to throw her out on the rode cuz they couldn't't keep her. I couldn't't let that happen. She was a Siamese/Angora kitten. I named her Baby. She grew with our family.Endured 5 chows also. When we lost our house and our so called lives,she and my chow had to go live at my parents house. For 9 years now,they have lived there. Just yesterday...I had to put my little Baby to sleep. And thinking that not to far into the near future...I will probably have to do the same for Soudie. Baby had cancer and kidney failure is what took her from us. I fear that,just like Baby, the last days of my other best friends life...will not be with us. See...mom and dad are moving up north and can not take him with them. I live in an apartment with my children. A single mom who is disabled and two kids...hard to buy a house now. And even though the place I live at, right now ,does allow animals...don't allow chows, due to the fact that they are #4 on the biting list? They let me bring him to visit and have seen how he is and that he is not violent but...rules are rules I guess. So...starts our dilemma. I can not even imagine life without him around at all. And now with the passing of Baby...makes the realization come closer to reality. You know....Baby and Soudie were best of friends also. What will he do without her? My parents go up north alot, these days, trying to get things in order up there,to move and,getting the house ready to sell here.I worry that when they go up north he will be alone in the house. even though we do go there to let him out and feed him...still leaves him lonely. Baby was his company. I wish they could talk...just so I knew what was going on in their heads? My sweet Baby...who would always lay with me when I was sick and clean my face and hair for hours...caring for me like I was her Baby...is now gone from my life. My animals are so dear to me...they ARE FAMILY!!! I try to look at this all as like when a family members time is up and they go..."It was their time" ," God needs them up there"...but, so many years have been missed out on...being with them? How will they ever forgive me for that? Could they? My dad keeps telling me that he doesn't know what it is I do but...lol...my animals are not normal animals. They don't think like animals should.He said if he was to ever open a pet store...he would want me to pick the animals out. It is all becuz they are not just animals to me but...family. They are more human than some people I know. I am an animal lover to the fullest extent of the word. If I treated them like a pet...they would act like a pet. I treat them like family and they let me into their family. UNCONDITIONAL LUV...that is what they give. I know no such human that can give that. Do You? My heart feels so empty to not have been able to spend the last 9 years with Baby. I can not even imagine what it is going to feel like when it is Soudies turn to go help God. I have to add that ...I do know that putting my Baby to sleep was the best thing to save her agony but...I luv her and miss her so very much. I have missed so many years of her specialness...I don't want to miss any more of Soudie's specialness. I held her till she went to sleep...telling her I luv her, and that it was ok for her to go...then she just was gone? She purred the hole time...I think to let us know that it was ok. God!!!...I hope that was why? She made a few small noises, the doc said it was reflexes...I don't know. Could it have been her telling me "NO!! I am not ready to go yet"? They told us that with the kidney failure that she wouldn't be able to take the anesthesia to do surgery to check out the mass to see if it was cancer. I let them do an autopsy...which I hate the thought of, but...it revealed that it was cancer and that she had a kidney infection in one kidney (which explains the kidney failure) and the other kidney was real small. The cancer was so big it was pushing everything further back and pushing on the kidneys.I couldn't help but hold her till she was completely gone...she would have done the same for me...she would have cleaned my face and hair till I was finally gone. She lived a long a spoiled life but,,,not any more spoiled by us then the spoiling she did for us. I miss her so much...I feel empty and always wondering if I did the right thing. I can't sleep...I see her laying there sleeping and then those reflexes that made her like she was gasping for air with a small cry? They say that is was just reflexes but...was it? Was she saying something to me? Was she saying good-bye or telling me she wasn't ready? I've had to go through this alot. My hole life we have had cats and dogs. I just don't know how many more times I can go threw the pain of loosing them. I am agoraphobic....that means I don't go out of the house and by not doing so...you don't make to many friends. My animals were my friends. My family. My companions. They gave so much more to me then I ever gave back. How will they ever understand that my life choices is what lead them to not be living with us? How can or will they ever know how much they really meant to me. I was not the one there every day to tell them how much. I did when I would see them...I always tell them "mommy luvs you so much"...do you think they knew that I had no choice? Or do they just wonder why they are not with us? They wanted us to let them put and IV in Baby as we waited for the tests results...one they could do there and one they had to send out. I didn't want to my Baby there... not knowing what was going on,thinking we just left her,and then have them call a few days later and tell us that to put her to sleep would be best. I wanted to know right then so I could be with her the hole time. Just so she knew I didnt leave her, I did luv her, and I will miss her. Was I wrong?We waited for the tests and they did show the kidney failure and they checked out the mass with X-rays. After we got home,after putting her to sleep they called us with the autopsy report and said she did have cancer and we did the right thing. I try to take comfort in knowing she didn't suffer much and that she will never have to suffer again. That she is with all the other animals ,living it up, in the arms of God, licking his face and cleaning his hair.... Someone sent me this... Author Unknown If it should be that I grow frail and weak, And pain should keep me from my sleep; Then you must do what must be done, For this, the last battle can't be won. You will be sad - I understand, Don't let your grief then stay your hand; For this day, more than the rest, Your love and friendship stand the test. We've had so many happy years, What is to come can hold no fears; You'd not want me to suffer so, When the time comes, please let me go. Take me where my needs they'll tend, Only, stay with me to the end And hold me firm and speak to me, Until my eyes no longer see, I know in time you will see, it is a kindness you do to me. Although my tail its last has waved, From pain and suffering I've been saved. Don't grief that it should be you Who has to decide this thing to do; We've been so close - we two these years, Don't let your heart hold any tears. Dedicated to: Baby Solberg 1990-Dec 3,2003