by Lynn Mayfield
My Dearest Bear,
You've been at the Bridge now for over two weeks. I hope you're reunited with Sheena and have met all our other babies, Tuffy, Dutchess, Chico, Muffin, Samantha and Snowball. I know they'll love you! I'm not sure how you find each other- but I know Sheena must've been waiting for you- you two were so close. I think you thought Sheena was your mother by the way you cowered around her and licked her face. I hope Sheena has introduced you to the 'gang'.
My baby, I wanted to tell you how much I loved you- when you were sick and trying to recover from your surgery- I don't know if you knew what was going on. I came to see you and grandma came to see you. I did tell you I loved you- but I was still hoping you'd come home. I didn't stay with you long at the hospital as I didn't want to upset you. You were hooked to so many IV's, I felt so sorry for you. I wanted to gather you in my arms and hold, but I couldn't.
So I sufficed for 'neck' hugs and head rubs and I love you's. I never really thought I wouldn't bring you home. The surgery was routine and went well, but you had so many complications afterwards- no matter how much medicine the doctors gave you- your big, strong body just couldn't fight. That is whats so sad. You were so big and strong and so full of life. I just can't imagine that your young life was cut so short by something so stupid. I feel so horrible that I wasn't there when you passed on. I had discussed you with the vet, they didn't give you much of a chance. I told them I would make a decision within a few hours. I had prayed for a miracle for three days- but God had reasons for taking you. The only prayer He answered was when I asked Him, that if it was time for my baby to come home to Rainbowsbridge, I asked Him if He would make that decision instead of me. It would have ripped my heart out to have had to make that decision. He did answer my prayer- my baby passed on shortly after noon on June 27th, 2001. God, I wish I had been there to hold you in my arms, I cry so much because I wasn't. You left this Earth with strange doctors and technicians with you. At the hospital they said they were there with you- but I would have rather been with you, you were my only child. I want you to know how much I regret that. I also regret I had to have you cremated. I had no place to bury your beautiful little body. At least you'll be with me. And someday I'll find a beautiful final resting place to scatter your ashes. I'll scatter you and Sheena together, that would make you happy.
I want you to know how much I loved you and what a difference you made in my life as well as my parents- my mom cries everyday and my father sits quietly- I've seen him cry too.
Sasha knows you're gone, but hasn't reacted. I shook your collar the other day, her ears went right to the top of her head! I hope you can visit her and let her know what happened to you- sadly we can't explain to her what happened.
My baby, I wanted to take you to the beach to see the water and sand. You loved the water so much- you loved to chase the hose in the back yard. On your last day before we took you to the hospital, you even chased the water in the back yard! You loved walks, even though it was hard to get you 'suited up' to go, you were soooo rowdy. I used to take you throught the volley ball sandtrap and tell you it was the beach! I guess you knew better:) You loved to visit the horses at the park- they miss you, I know they do. I was looking forward to the day I bought my own house, then we'd have 'our' own place, and I wanted a wonderful backyard for you. I wanted to take you for walks everyday and share bites of chicken with you every night. I miss you licking the remnants off my stick of ice cream. I miss your yodeling. I miss brushing your teeth at night. The house is so empty without you- I look at the sofa every night before I go to bed hoping I'll see you there with your head on the pillow. I miss you being 'velcroed' to my leg. I miss you greeting me when I get out of the shower. I miss your big, noisy slurps at the water dish.
I miss you scooting on the rug- you were sooo cute. My mom misses you on her bed at night. I sometimes hear her crying- I know she misses you so much, you were her only 'grandbaby'. I looked forward to our life together- hopefully you will share in my life from 'up above' and always be my guardian angel.
Even though you and Sasha had 'fusses' I know she misses you too. You two were still buddies. God, how I loved you, you would have been 7 on August 15th. I will always celebrate your birthday and your life and love forever. I will probably adopt another baby someday- but no one will every match you! You were my special baby. I know you would want me to give another baby a loving home, just like you had. I hope you know I'm not replacing you- I could never do that. All the material things in the world couldn't replace you. But there are so many babies that need homes- so I hope you'll understand why I would give another baby a home. I want something to give me joy once again, just like you did.
Well, my baby, I hope you'll read this or hear about this through some divine source. Perhaps the big orange and black Monarch butterfly that has visited me since your passing will carry this message to you. I prayed that God would send me a sign that you are safe- 30 minutes after you passed a giant black and gold Monarch butterfly flitted by the window for a few seconds. A couple of days later I was having a bad day- and the Monarch flew by another window for just a few seconds. Me and my mother were walking in our 'favorite' park the other day and we were talking about you. Suddenly, the Monarch flies right over our heads! Bear, you were black and gold, so I believe this Monarch is your spirit guide or a signal from the other side that you are okay and happy. The unusual thing is, Colorado is not known for butterflies- especially large Monarch types. I don't think I've ever seen a large butterfly here in the 27 years we've lived in Colorado. I hope it is a sign from you to me my beloved. Well, I'm starting to cry- please know you'll be loved and so missed. My mom leaves her light on for you every night in the bedroom so you can find your way home. Bless you my baby and please be waiting for me at the Bridge! Love and kisses, Momma, grandma and grandpa.