My beloved black cat, Carbon, had to be put to sleep on Saturday morning. He was 15 years old and had been failing for the past few weeks. I wanted to make sure he wasn't in pain, but didn't want to take the chance of having him put to sleep before I absolutely had to. I dreaded the entire week before I had to make that horrible decision. I kept him close to me every minute, coaxing him to eat, cuddling with him and begging God to make him better and not take him away from me. On Friday night he was too weak to even hold his head up and didn't seem to want to be held or touched. I knew it was time but pleaded with God to intervene. Saturday morning I expected to find Carbon dead but he was still alive and tried to eat a little. However, he couldn't get up to walk, so I knew I had to do what I dreaded the most. I wrapped him up in his favorite blanket. He seemed like only seconds passed before my husband pulled up in front of the vet's office. My feet felt like lead as I carried my precious bundle up the steps and into the office. The front desk girls knew by my red eyes and free-flowing tears, what was about to happen and they ushered me into a private room. Carbon laid in my arms, quiet and still, and did not resist my constant petting. My tears flowed onto his face and I began to sob. The vet and the techs were so nice and allowed me to stay with him as long as I wanted. I am regretting that I could not make myself stay while they injected him with the "sleep medicine" but I just couldn't do it. The vet gently picked him up and carried him into the next room and I fled to the car, hysterical and with racking sobs. My husband cried gently and we drove off. About an hour later, I begged my husband to take me back so I could see Carbon "just one more time" but he told me Carbon was already gone. I sobbed uncontrollably for hours and refused to be comforted. My other cat, Gemini, confused and alone, treaded softly and hid under the bed, refusing to come out to play or to eat. I rocked him and cried more tears, soaking his head with my sorrow.

That was 3 days ago and I haven't stopped crying. I've never experienced anything like this before and don't even know how to go about handling it. My husband has not shown any more grief. I supposed it's the macho thing for him to do. However, my world has been rocked and I can barely stand it. I can't eat or sleep. All I want is my precious Carbon back.