by Christina M.
Tiffany was my teddy bear. She was a terrie cross-mix, but she was mine. She died this morning, living a long, long life of 23 years. She had some rough times, and then some times that I pampered her with all my might. She was with me as a child, through everything, and would always let me hold her like a baby, if I wanted to talk to her. She was beautiful. As a puppy, she was black, coal black like tar, and the people we got her from had called her Boots. My brother, JR, thought Tiffany was more her style, as she was beautiful, elegant, and just a feisty girl who was stealing everyone's heart. I remember that day, when I was 5 years old, and Dad brought you home. I let everyone else hold you, and when you finally got to be, you looked up at me with those dark eyes, yawned, and gave me a kiss. I tried to put you to bed in the baby cradle with the yellow blanket with blue stripes. But you wanted nothing of that. You were always a simple girl, who wanted simple pleasures, and were happy with whatever we gave you. You climbed out and slept underneathe the cradle that night. You were a tiny baby, only about 4-5lbs or so then. You came into our lives, and although you were our family dog, everyone knew you were mine. We were inseperable. From when we would run in the backyard, and you were as fast as lightening, you would run, and move just before I got to you. I would always tire out before you. I remember when I would be sleeping, and you would curl up alongside me, wanting under the covers and to be next to me. God knew it was a rough road ahead of us, and he sent you to me. Through everything, no matter what, everyone knew you were loyal only to me. Snapping, growling, barking at anyone, who pretended like they were going to harm me. Getting mad when someone would try to push you away, and hopping on my lap, to show you would hear nothing of it. The times, we would have babies in their seats on the floor. You would lay there, and guard them, daring someone to harm them. I'm not sure what it was with men though. You loved me, tolerated other women, but men, you seemed to hate. I remember, putting you in the basket and going for rides on the bike, just like Toto because you loooked like a miniature version of that dog from The Wizard of Oz. People even called you Toto sometimes. We would go for car rides, and all I ever had to say was that word. Ride. And off you could go, scampering around, barking, knowing you would get to ride with Mommy. Remember when you were persistant and wanted in my lap. You were always such a good girl, sitting down, and never trying to get out of the window or anything. You loved McDonald's hamburgers. Remember when I would get them for you as a special treat, put them in the floor and you would gobble them up, and smile at me. I remember those times. Your favorite treats were Pupperoni treats. Even when your teeth were falling out, I would break them up into small bits for you, and you would eat and cherish each bite. You learned to love Allen, knowing even with your persistance at him leaving me and you to be alone, you finally gave in, and accepted him. He loved you more than you could ever know Tiffany. I think he cried even more than me, and he did your grave just perfect. I supervised him as you would have wanted. I remember when he brought home your sisters, Katie and Baby, and how they had to learn you were Queenie, as we sometimes called you. You understood why I got them, and after a while, you let them into your heart too. I remember watching you scamper around with them, although you would tire, and then watch them as they played. You were getting old, old girl, but you tried to keep up. Remember when Mommy let only you sleep with me, and the girls slept with Daddy. They hated that you got that special attention, but they understood you had earned that right to have special time with me. You loved to sleep up by my head, and I remember falling asleep to your restful sighs. Sometimes, I would awake to hear you dreaming, and wonder what you were doing in your dream. You would take a sigh, stretch, and go back to sleep. Remember when I would tell everyone for the past few years you slept in my closet. There were so many clothes that they fell down, and you found a nice bed. I remember you would bark and whine at the gate sometimes, as you just wanted to go in there. I gave in readily, and put blankets down for you, and left some of your favorite clothes. I would cover you up when you were sleeping, and always leave room so your nose could be out. You had the world's best nose. Could smell anything from sleeping, even when you were snoring. Would come out into the kitchen as we prepared your chicken. Even handfeeding you at the end, when you were too tired to eat sometimes. I remember your favorite. Those 3lbs of chocolate covered cherries you got into at Christmas that year. I thought there was no way you could eat that much. But you did, leaving only the plastic boxes. Making such a mess, mom was cleaning all day that day. Tiffany, you were a strong girl, a fighter, from the times you had to spend in the garage when I did not have a choice, and could not be with you, to giving me your unconditional love. Always brightening my day that I looked forward to coming home to you. Remember the rides to Allen's parents in NJ, and how we would always get you a Checker's hamburger to eat. You were so happy. Never wanted to be without me, and would throw a fit when you were. I tried baby, I tried. I knew you wanted to stay around. You felt you needed to protect me. You did baby, you did. Katie and Baby have been looking for you, and know that Mommy and Daddy are upset. They have been snuggling with us. They watched as we buried you today. They said their own special goodbyes, that only you guys understood. They learned from the best. They will never replace you, as no one, ever could. They are trying to keep Mommy and Daddy from crying as you probably told them too. Tiffany, no one could ever believe you lived to age 23. Jr lost his son and daughter, and remember Mom lost Billy a few years ago. We thought you would outlive us all. Remember the vets who would want to take you back just to show you off. We had your surgery in 1996, and you came through with flying colors. Doing better than they ever expected you to. Through your aching joints, and the baby aspirin we gave you. You started bounding around with energy. We put you on the other medicine. I know you hated that terrible tasting liquid, but knew you had to have it. Always took your pills readily in that little bit of cheese. Although, I had to hide it well, or you would turn you nose up at it. This year, you were fighting hard. From everything that we would find out and treat, you seemed to have a new energy reserve for a few months, and it would wind down. You know Mommy is a nurse. We talked about when I would have to ease people's sufferring, and how I would be there when they left. You told me in my heart, you wanted me to ease your sufferring, and hold you too when you had to leave. I was going to call Dr. Christy on Monday, as she wanted me to keep her updated on how you were doing. I remember when she had to keep repeating the XRays as you wanted nothing to do with someone else holding you. I remember crying inside seeing them, and knowing what was there before she even told me. I promised you I would let you go, when you told me it was time. I hand fed you your chicken as Daddy did, and gave you the meds. Your last week, you had spent so much time walking outside, just smelling the breeze. I knew that was where you would want to be laid to rest. Last night, you were sick, and not feeling well. Mom Mom sent you that hamburger and you ate it all. It was a special treat for you, as you knew we had fed you the chicken. You ate it all, your special last meal. Then you were sick, and could not keep anything down. I remember when my heart felt pain, as Allen called for me. You wer laying in the living room on the floor. I could tell something had happened. But then you got up again, and started walking around. Mommy held you, and didn't realize at the time you had had a seizure. You kept walking into things. We took you into the kitchen for a drink, and then outside. You started biting your tongue, and I layed you down. Mommy knew then you were having a seizure. I knew the time was coming close. I told Daddy to get things ready, and he started to cry. I was trying to be strong for my girl, I tried. Then the next seizure came, and I knew we had to go. I walked into the laundry room and saw Daddy holding you, talking to you softly. He really loved you, even as resentful as you were at the begining, he was crying so bad, and you knew how much he loved you. Mommy took you and held you. I walked towards JR's room to tell him it was time to say goodbye. He came out, before I got there, and asked what was wrong. He looked at you, and started to choke up. He said he couldn't say goodbye, he just couldn't. You know he lost Chelsea in June, he was hurting still, and all over again. Mommy held you as Daddt cried calling the vet, and telling them it was time. I am so sorry Tiffany, I know I has planned to let you go in the closet, but you did not want to let go. Mommy held you as we went to the vets. I held you as you whimpered, and you turned your head towards me. We shared special words in our heart, and as hard as it was, you told me it was ok, that it was time. We went in, and I held you until they came in. You started squirming and I put you on the green blanket and pillow. I remembered how you hated those metal tables, and wanted you to have something soft to lay on. The vet listened to you and looked at you. He went away and you and I were saying our goodbyes. You tried to get up, still fighting, and I knew, I had to be the brave one. I had wanted to take you and run out of there so fast. I asked you if you were sure. Then you started biting your tongue and I layed you down again. I held you and reassured you as you seized. The vet came in, and we knew it was time. It slowed down, and they shaved your arm. Mommy held you and reassurred you. I kissed your little head, and held you on the table as he inserted the needle into your vein. You didn't even flinch. As much as you always hated needles, you were now being strong for Mommy. He told me he was using medicine to stop the seizure ( he didn't know Mommy was a nurse and knew what he was doing). I asked if it was phenobarbital and he said yes. It was more than you would normally need, and you would be gone within minutes. You were ready to go Tiffany, he pushed in a little bit, and you took a last sigh, and layed your head down. It didn't take long at all. He shined the light in your eyes, and listened to you heart. You were gone. My baby who had been with me forever was gone. I felt pain in my heart, and as Mommy and Daddy shed those tears, I could almost seeing you going up to heaven. I could see your graying hair turn back to black and your wings. I wrapped you and put you in the box. I didn't cover you head, because you always hated that part. Mommy carried you outside into the car. We brought you home, and Katie and Baby seemed to know what had happened. Mommey prepared you on the table. Layed you on the soft blanket, and wrapped you in your favorite bed clothes. I covered you in the white shirt with the hearts on it. Because it was hearts, and those meant love, and I wanted you surrounded by love. I cut some of your hair, and put it in the bag. I know you didn't mind, and were used to some of those awful haircuts Daddy and I would give you. I just wanted to have it to look at and remember you when I would need to see your soft hair. I took the Christmas picture of you with Mommy, Daddy, and the girls, and wrote special words to you on it. I printed out a copy of Rainbow Bridge and wrote special words to you. I wanted you to not be sad either. To know I will join you once again when I come to heaven. Its hard Tiffany. We keep crying, and I know you are in a special place, and although it was for the best. It hurts so bad. You have been with me for 23 years, and now we lay you to your final rest just outside Mommy's window by the fence. You will always be close to be, always inside Mommy's heart, and that endless spirit of yours will always live on. Mommy has to go tend to your sister's now. They know Mommy is upset, but they need to be held, because I think they are hurting a little bit too. Its going to take time. Time for us all to get used to not having you here inside the house. Tiffany, remember you will always be Mommy's special teddy bear. Always making me smile, and knowing I was the only person recieving your kisses. Allen loves you, and still cries. Its going to take him time. If you want, maybe sometimes we can meet in Mommy and Daddy's dreams. We can play, and you can scamper about barking and playing as you always did. We miss you so much already, and its only been since this morning. We will never forget you, or ever replace you. No one could ever live up to your standards. Take care teddy bear, and one day we will be together again. But Mommy has to take care of the girls, and the sick people. Mommy has a lot of things to do here. When you see us crying, we are just missing you and thinking of the giid times we had. I will always remember all the times we shared, as you were in my life from almost the begining. You defied the odds. You showed them all who was boss, and now you are an angel. My special angel. Time for Mommy to go now. We love you teddy bear.
Love Now,Always, and Forever, Mommy, Daddy, Katie, and Baby.