I can't stop running.
Faster and faster through the hayfield as swarms of gnats and mayflies take flight in my wake.
I'm out of breath and my legs burn.
The thick, coarse grasses slice like razors at my shins, but I can't command my body to stop.
My eyes fill with tears and I look upward, pleading with God.
Why?

The glorious sky answers back in purple and magenta.
It sends balmy breezes to brush my tears and a wild sunset to quiet my soul.
Finally I stop and spread my arms wide.
I let myself fall back into the overgrown Timothy chutes and clover leaves,
And sob until my lungs plead for fresh, clean oxygen.

In these preliminary stages of grief, the thought of death remains
Unfathomable.

Painful.

Imaginary.

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I remember your long back & white fur gleaming in the summer sun,
And painting your nails purple with sliver sparkles when you were three.
I remember when we first brought you home from the farm in my mom's Ford Taurus stationwagon.
We had a cardboard box in the cargo area, and my sister and I held you so you wouldn't pee on the carpet.
I paid for you that day with eighty of the 100-something I'd saved up all by myself.
Months of saving up my five dollar allowances and birthday money made you possible,
And the smile on my face that day was huge.

We had to walk back a long, dark hallway.
Rows of cows were munching on grain to the left, and a thick, gray concrete wall stood on our right.
There were fourteen of your siblings behind a straw bale fence.
Fluffy black & white Border Collie pups, fattened up with milk and soft kibble.

"Purebred, but we got no papers for 'em.
The mom's in here, dad lives up the road at another farm.
We could get 'im down here if you want. He's a purebred too." they said.

We took you out on the front lawn and played with you before I slipped the bank envelope out of the glove box of my mom's car.
Tiny brown puppy eyes watched as I exchanged many months of work for a wagging tail and slurpy kisses.
I was eleven years old then, and ready for a companion to guide me through many days to come.

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I taught you your first trick after having you for two days.
You learned to sit, and then 'lay down' followed just a few days later.
You soon were known to be the smartest dog most people around here had ever seen...
Even when you decided to herd our cats and chickens.

Through the years, you were my sleeping companion,
my plate licker
the only friend who wouldn't tell my secrets
and the warmest, furriest shoulder I could ever cry on.

Every time my parents yelled at me or I had a bad day at school, I'd come home and play with you,
And you'd lap up my tears when I was crying too hard to wipe them myself.
You were there for me through the most pivotal years of my life.
Never did I forget your perpetually smiling face or your floppily wagging tail.

Even when your eyes became clouded over with retinal atrophy
And when you became so thin that you had no strength.
And when the cancer turned you into all skin and bones- a skeleton of my once chubby, furry friend.

Still you would wait for me at your fence every day, wagging your
skinny,
hairless,
bony little tail and staring into nowhere...

Just waiting for the sound of my voice.

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In the last week of your life, you ran with me to get a bowl of your food.
You were so weak that you stumbled three times and couldn't get up,
But every time I helped you, you looked up at my face with blank eyes and licked me
And your tail thumped endlessly onto the ground.

The next day I played ball with you,
And even though you couldn't see it, you attacked the ball with as much veracity as a diabetic, deteriorating pup could muster.
Every walk we took, you stayed right beside me
Never leaving me too far out of distance.

And every time that I put you back into your pen, you yelped to come back out and play with me -
the most tiny and hoarse little cry you could force from your tiny frame.

In only five months, you went from an overweight furball
To a nude skeleton.
And as I left you in your pen each night, thick swarms of tears swept down my face.
Because I knew this world couldn't keep you forever, but I prayed to God not to let you go.

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My dad said you listened until the very end.
He said you were staring into nothingness with your ears cocked inquisitively, not knowing it would all be over soon.
The first trick I ever tought you became the last one you ever did, as my dad made you sit on the vet's table
And you stayed there, as obedient and loving of your master as the day you lept into my arms as a little pup.
He said you sat there, just like a
furry
little
soldier.

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I woke up yesterday and walked out to your pen,
Only to find your pretty red collar and heart-shaped Rabies tag dangling from the open door.
I knew in my soul that you were rolling in lush, green pastures and watching softballs and frizbees whizz past.
I knew you were a fat, healthy dog again with the longest, most luxurious fur...
And I knew that you'd never again have to suffer on this earth.

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They say all dogs go to heaven...
Tonight, just as sure as the stars come out,
I can almost feel you licking my face to remove my tears
And resting your silky chin on my knee like you always used to.

I hope I join you someday, but until then.... don't herd too many chickens without me.