by Bobbi Lenzo
I just wanted to write a tribute to my wonderful border collie, Dasher, whom I lost on April 29, 2002, when I had him put to sleep. Dasher was 14 years old and had been in declining health for the last year. We had many visits to the vet trying to find the best combination of medications for his progressive heart failure, in simple terms, he was just getting to be an old guy. Our last visit was approximately three weeks ago and the vet told me this was the last combination of medicines she could offer to me, and it was time to go home and talk to my family about what to do next. I was always very concerned about Dasher being in pain but she always assured me that his actions were the best judge of that. If he still followed me around, wagged his tail, ate and slept okay, then he was probably not in any pain.
I had to make a four day trip to Chicago for a family function but left Dasher in capable hands with my husband and daughter. The minute I came through the door upon my return, I knew the end was near. His tail was still wagging and he was happy to see me, but I knew something wasn't right. Dasher just wasn't being Dasher. I could see things were somewhat of an effort for him. He had developed a cough while I was away that the vet later told me was due to fluid accumulating in his lungs, as his heart was shutting down and was not pumping properly. My daughter and I slept in the living room with him that night as deep down we both knew it would be our last night with him. Before we had gone to bed, I had told my family that it was time to start thinking about letting Dasher go. I crawled down on the floor next to him in the darkess and said, "Dash--I know you are hanging on for me. You don't want to leave me. I don't want you to leave me, but it's okay. Go on, let go. You go on ahead of me and wait, I'll be right there with you again." (I choose to believe that there is no concept of time in heaven so he won't be alone for long before I can join him).
My 15-year-old son and 18-year-old daughter accompanied me to the vet the next morning and the vet told us he was in end stage heart failure and it was our choice, take him home and let him go naturally (I have enough medical knowledge to know that what would happen is that his body would accumulate so much fluid he would pretty much suffocate slowly). I couldn't do that to him, not because of my own selfishness and not wanting to say goodbye to him. So with my son and daughter by my side, and me holding Dasher with both arms around him, he was put to sleep. It was very comforting to me to be holding him at the time he passed, to know that my arms around him was the last thing he felt and he was surrounded by those he loved.
It's been five days now, and I still cry every day. Waking up in the morning and knowing I won't see him waiting on the floor by my bed, coming home after being away and knowing he won't be on the other side of the door waiting for me, looking in all his familiar spots or in his bed and not seeing him are the hardest. I often wonder to myself how long it will take before I don't feel that stab of pain when I realize he is not ever going to be here again.
Some people think I am crazy and think I should be getting over it by now, but I feel I have lost a best friend. And I say this even with having a husband and two teenage children. Dasher saw me through a lot of tough times in my life, helped me raise my two children (living up to his herding traits), was my confidant. He will be missed more than I can say. My only comfort now is knowing I will see him again someday. I know he will be waiting for me. Until then, I will cherish my memories of him and they will become my treasures. I am grateful to God for giving Dasher to me for 14 wonderful years, and letting me share in this special bond. Dogs are truly miracles with paws, as I have experienced over the last 14 years. Goodbye, my fine boy, and don't worry, Mama will see you again someday. Until then, be good, and I love you.