I don't know about any of you but for me,
this was the first time ever I had to deal with a death that was dear to me. It has been over 3 months that my Sweet Brandi girl passed away,(June 12th).

On Aug 10th, 2006 it would of been her 7th birthday.
Since Brandi's passing I had shut down and was very depressed.
I hope you have time to sit and read this because something as terrible as Brandi's death, brought joy now into my heart and it's all because of Brandi.
I had to put Brandi down because she had Lymphoma cancer and over the weekend before June 12th, she had gotten so bad in 2 days that we just couldn't let her suffer, and apparently the Chemo treatments were no longer working anymore.
Brandi was a tough cookie and she never acted out badly or anything during the 9 months in remission and all that Chemo being pumped into her sweet body.
It was one of the hardest and saddest things I had ever done. I lost a daughter back in 1979 due to crib death or SIDS they call it and she was only 6 months old when she passed away.
I had Brandi for 6 years and never would of imagined death would effect me like it did when she was gone. I went to my bed for days and didn't come out of my room. My hubby would check in on me and I would tell him to leave me alone. Just laying in bed and sleeping off and on wasn't doing anything for the pain I was feeling so badly in my heart and so, I started popping sleeping pills.

I was taking 2-3 a day. At least when I was sleeping, I felt no pain. But Oh it gets worst. When I would wake up, I felt the pain, and myself not being a drinker of alcohol, decided it was time to start drinking. Zombies (like I felt) was my drink with 151 rum in it.
So if I wasn't sleeping, I was getting a little buzzed. I was feeling guilt that I had to make the decision to put Brandi down and not my husbands. I was angry at him for making me make that decision. I was sad Brandi was gone.
I had 2 other goldens who were here at home with me and I just didn't want to be around them.
I wanted Brandi.
For a good month which would lead us into July 15th, I was doing the pill and alcohol thingy until one morning I awoke and opened my shade to see how the day looked,and there stood Brandi in my flower garden. I had to close and re open my eyes on her to make sure I wasn't seeing things. It was Brandi. Then as I stared at her, frozen in time and in shock, a tiny soft voice whispered into my left ear and said,
"Mama, please get out of bed for me please!! You did what you had to do for me not to suffer and I love you. You need to get up Mama for my sister's and daddy. They need you now Mama.
I'm so happy here and you need to be happy for me. Mama, you need to go to the nearest shelter and they are there for you.(I didn't know what she meant by that) I love you so much. Mama. close your eyes (I did), Mama, now open them(I did).
When I opened my eyes Brandi was gone but there in the flower garden was her green frisbee that we hadn't seen since she passed away and there it was in my flower garden, green as green can be. I was blown away. There isn't one day now that goes by without me or Ron tripping on it.

So I got out of bed, threw on some mis matched clothes and a hat. I had no make up on, I was hung over and sleepy from the night before. I went to the Corona Animal Shelter here in Corona California where I live and I would of never went here if Brandi didn't tell me too. I walked in and asked if there were any Golden Retrievers here. I didn't know why I was asking that since that was the last thing I wanted at this time. He told me to go around and see for myself in the kennels.
So I walked around and came upon cage #34. I looked in there and once again, there looking back at me was Brandi. I swear I thought it was her. There were a brother and sister golden duo there and they were adorable. I went up to the clerk and told him I wanted to adopt the female. I couldn't until Friday and it was only Monday.
So on Tuesday I went back to have a good look at her and they brought out the brother and sister together and then I knew. If I adopted the female, the male would have to come with her. So I told the clerk I wanted them both. That night like the previous nights before, at 8:15p.m I would go outside and there would be my shining star Brandi up over our house and the only star out at that time. I asked her if I was suppose to get the goldens. If I was right on putting her down. Did she forgive for doing it. Why did she want me to have these 2? I knew the female looked so much like Brandi.
I figured in due time I would get my answer from Brandi or God. I figured Brandi wanted me to get them so my mind wouldn't be so much on her. I know in my heart she will never be replaced with another dog and no other dog will ever be like Brandi. So, for me, it's been a very stressful and time consuming with these 2 new additions to our family. They are insepertable. they run, walk, and sleep together. When they are on my bed sleeping, one or the other has their arms around the other.
it is priceless. I named the female Mandi which means "Worthy of Love" and I named the male Rootbeer after Brandi's daddy. We call him Rootie for short. We have had them now almost 5 months and they are and have been a handful. They must be 1 -1/2 years old and I believe they were abused some how since they are afraid of everything and sudden moves really scare them. They have chewed up everything on the floor, and they don't listen. They have been pooping in the house and so I finally put my foot down. I started doing one on one with them everyday outside and so far I have gotten them to sit, heel, lay down, and they have now learned their names . I believe now that Brandi knew I had enough love in my heart, even though it was broken because she was gone, but Brandi knew these two needed special love and a patient owner and for them to be together and not be seperated from each other. I think that would of destroyed them both. Brandi knew I fit the bill. That made me feel great.

So, if your wondering about the pills and booze, well the day they came home here to our family,is the day I threw all that stuff out into the trash and haven't touched it since. I am slowly starting to laugh and live again without Brandi by my side.

I never knew Love could hurt so much.
The strangest thing about all this is this:
*I found out on Aug 18th 2005 she had Lymphoma Cancer and that is my sisters B.D.
*The day she went into remission was Sept 8, 2005, that is husband's Ron B.D
*June 7th, 2006 was the day the Oncologist told us she was out of remission and that is my deceased daughters B.D.
* Brandi was cremated and when we got the ashes back was on June 15th 2006 and that is our Wedding Anniversary.
*And last but not least, the cage Rootbeer and Mandi were in was #34. I had 3 goldens before Brandi passed and now I have 4.
Is that to weird or what???. . Slowly the pain is subsiding and yes you can go on and live still without your precious loved one by your side. Brandi is close by and she will be forever in my heart. I miss you Brandi still everyday and love you so much. Thank you for bringing these 2 into my life and making me realize that I have so much to give and so much to be thank ful for and because of you sweet girl. I see it now. Lanie