by Aaron LaFlora
28 July 2001
7:30 PM
My Dear Child, Freecloude:
Well, here I am again at this computer scribbling a good-bye note—seems like I was just here sending one out to Hazel about a month ago—and now it is time for your letter which is probably the hardest one yet to write.
You’ve been gone now 3 days almost, and I am wondering if you are ok out there. I hope you aren’t scared being away from us—you know you can come back and visit any time—I left your bed with all the throw pillows just the way you liked it; on the left side so you could toss them around and I would trip on them during the night. I miss doing that. It used to make me laugh when I would hear you mess around in that bed and hurl those pillows right in my “walking to the bathroom” path. And when I did come back from the bathroom, I would look at you all curled up and as comfortable as any dog could be dreaming of who knows what—it made me sigh to see you so content and hear you snoring. And I miss you telling me that it is time to go upstairs—you pacing and staring at me at about 7:30 and me saying, OK Freeky, let’s go up to bed. I turned on the light (because you couldn’t see so well anymore), and you would follow me up to the bedroom where I would do the 1,2,3 ok up and lift your little butt onto my bed. I told you that was a big jump for such a little girl and you were proud cause you thought you did it all by yourself—you really did for a long time until your legs got a little weak the past month or so. It was nice having you next to me snoring while I ate my dinner. And then when the House Dick would come up and move you, you would growl at him—I always thought you would bite him one day and sort of wish you would—but you didn’t—you were just fussing and too gentle to hurt anyone. And off to your bed you would go to kick those throw pillows and finally go to sleep.
Zaine and Ishmel miss you a lot. Zaine loved biting your ear and having you jump around and pretend to be mad and then you two would chase each other. He doesn’t have anyone to chase around. Ishmel won’t play that way. And you always left Zaine a piece of food in your dish so he could think he was big stuff and stealing your food—that was sweet.
Ishmel misses you because you were like a mom to her. She would look at you and try to kiss you but you would pretend you did not like her (if I was looking). I saw you once or twice from around the corner kissing her. You big faker.
The children in the neighbourhood miss petting you. You were the only one of the 3 whom they could pet, and you were so good at standing there and letting them pat your head and talk to you.
And Pat misses how you used to run over to her house in the morning’s before we would go for a walk. You would get to her door first and bark for your bone, and I know it made you happy to beat out all the others.
So many people miss your gentle self. You were the best and 16 years of the love you gave me and the smiles (I would say smile and you would and I would kiss your teeth) and how you loved guinea pigs and flowers and birds and everything. I learned so much from you Freecloude. Thank you for all of that and more.
I am sorry that Dr. Wendy could not be there when you left us on Wednesday. She is a little upset at you about that—but I think you knew that she loved you too much to put you to rest.
Oh, and Carla (my sister) called yesterday. She is very upset so if you could put her mind to rest and let her know you are ok somehow, that would be nice.
And me. I have to tell you that I wish I could see you one more time wherever you are so that I know you are ok. I am so sad and lost without you Freecloude—it aches deep within my heart. And a friend sent me a poem about a rainbow bridge and how you might miss me and will see me one day and run to me. I have to be honest with you. I have thought about joining you there these last few days. I guess I am not as brave as everyone thinks I am. I am lonely and know that Ishmel and Zaine would be well taken care of without me here. And how easy you went to sleep when they put that needle in you—I thought it would be a nice way to go, and I am ready. The pain is unbearable without you and my courage to face any more losses or begin a new life is and seems too scary and lonely. Sometimes, I think I too could do without the human factor on this earth and think that no one would notice me gone anyway; lastly, I could run and be free with you in the fields of green grass and warmth and no pain and suffering.
Yes, I did consider this option over the last few days. See, I am a coward in the end unlike you who were so brave right up until the end. I want to see the rainbow bridge; I want to be with you.
But I think that you would not want me to do this because of Zaine and Ishmel and Popo and the birds. That is an awful lot to ask of me Freecloude, but I will try because I love them too and I guess if no one else needs me—they do to comfort them and explain things and changes in the days ahead. If you could give me some help somehow spiritually, maybe I can make it ok.
One more thing. I had you cremated so that I can take you with me wherever I end up. You were such a simple and gentle dog and really had no favourite toys or spots except to be around me so if you could maybe let me know somehow how you would like me to free your ashes, I would really appreciate that. I think you probably want them in a place around clouds, plants and water and where it is peaceful and warm, but not hot. You did not like snow or winter—that much I know. Anyway, please think about it.
Well, I guess it is about time for you to get your evening warmed milk and chicken tender snack. The people at Burger King are sure going to miss you because they all had stories to tell about how they gave their pets lots of stuff like you got. And they always had my (your) chicken tenders ready the moment I got into the door. I know if I go in there, I will cry (which I do a lot anyway lately)—so I will give it a few days and then let them know—ok?
Please take care of yourself up there amoung the clouds and stars and think of us once in a while and maybe come and visit me in my dreams or something. I am kind of having a rough time right now. I hope your life was the best down here for the 16 years—I did the best for you that I could and promised you that I would never let you suffer and would be with you by your side when the time came. I kept my promises to you. And you, I can never tell you what joy you gave to me Freecloude. I love you always and forevermore. Please know that, and I will see you again when my job down here has been finished and my time done—I promise.
Thank you for lighting up our lives, hearts, souls and sharing your wisdoms and simple joy of life with us. You are and will be always in our hearts and memories squirreled away in that special place where such things find a home.
I love you so much.
Your mum, Zaine, Ishmel, Popo, PJ, neighbours and the countless numbers of children and the like that you touched.