Oh Pepper – it’s been exactly 2 years that you left me on May 2, 2000 and went to the Rainbow Bridge – hopefully, to wait for me because I have to see you, hold you, pet you, hug you, kiss you and shower my love on you again. You deserve that and so much more. Believe it or not, I remember 22 years ago when you picked me to be your mom. I had wanted a dog very badly and finally moved into an apartment that would permit a pet. I went to the Humane Society of Beaver County looking for a puppy, but whenever I was in the room you were on the side of the cage that was closest to me. You stuck as close to me as you could through the wire of your pen and whenever I got very far away you yapped and barked like a mad dog. I had chosen a puppy but was told that it was very sick and that it would take at least $300 to treat the poor little thing so I began to think that I wasn’t going to be able to find “my dog” that day because I just couldn’t afford it. However, on my way out of the room you made such a fuss that I turned around and looked at you. I saw the look in your eyes that said “please take me home and love me and take care of me.” So I said “That’s the dog I want” and took you home that very day and boy, that was the best thing I could ever have done. I never regretted that impulsive decision for one second for the rest of your 20-year life. You were already a year or two old and just the cutest little guy. You sat on my lap the whole way home and just loved and kissed me the entire time. You were always happy and loving and wanted nothing more than to please me and love and kiss me. For the longest time I took you everywhere with me. Remember when I would roll down the passenger side window – just a little – and you would stand on the door handle and hang your head out of the window – even at 60 MPH!!! What a kamikaze puppy – and that’s what one of your nicknames was. When you would pull your little head back into the car you looked like the wild dog of Borneo with your fur flying in all directions!!! I used to put those little kerchiefs on you and even tried to find you a pair of wrap-around goggles! Those car trips went on for years until you started the habit of wanting to go to the bathroom as soon as you got into the car even if you went before we left. Then I had to stop taking you all the time because I had to clean up during and after every little car trip. Do you remember the way you used to love to chase and bark at the rabbits in the backyard of my apartment, but you would ALWAYS stop and come running back to me whenever I called. Except for that one time that you went into a frenzy and began chasing a rabbit through the yards along the side road. I panicked – I was always terrified of losing my beloved baby by you being hit by a car. You ran through 2 or 3 yards and I was extremely scared that you would get hurt or killed and began to scream in panic for you to come back. When you heard the fear in my voice you stopped dead in your tracks and turned around and looked at me, then back at the disappearing rabbit, then back at me, then back at the rabbit then you promptly turned on your heels and came running back to me. I guess it was a tough call for you – but you decided that I was more important to you than that rabbit. Oh Pepper, how I wish that I recognized that bond at the time. It would have made me a much better mommy for you. Remember how much you loved ice cream? I would take you to the local ice cream shop and those girls at the counter that said “you can’t bring that dog in here”. Remember how I told them that the ice cream was for you and if you couldn’t come into the store then they couldn’t sell me any ice cream. Once they realized that the ice cream was for you (you always got the baby cup of vanilla with no spoon because you couldn’t use it!!!) they began to let you come in with me all the time. Do you remember chasing that little baby cup of vanilla ice cream all around the floor until you had finished every last little lick? I also remember another time – when we were moving into that trailer. Several of my friends came to help us move and once we were at the new place I ordered pizza to feed everyone. We all sat around on the floor to eat and when we were finished with the food there was just 1 piece left. Bob said that I should pick up the box and put it on the kitchen counter so that the dog wouldn’t get into it! I had never thought about something like that before because I always left my food lying around on the floor when I was watching TV from there and would get up to get a drink or go to the bathroom and you would never go near it! So I told him that you were such a good dog and that you knew that pizza wasn’t yours so you wouldn’t touch it! We all stepped back and watched as you eyed up that last piece and then we all had a hell of a laugh when you inched closer and closer until you were standing over the box. Then you leaned down and very delicately picked up the pizza with your front teeth and trotted off with it. I felt that if you wanted a piece of pizza that bad – you should have it and I let you eat it. This is the one and only time in your entire life that I ever remember you taking “people food” without it being offered. What a little character you were! Do you remember the time that Jerry (my so-called friend) poured you a large bowl of beer? You drank the whole thing down so quickly I didn’t have a chance to stop him or you. You seemed fine the rest of the evening – which didn’t last long because you went into your kennel by yourself and fell asleep. I remember how bad I felt for you the next morning when you seemed to have such a bad “puppy hang-over”. You took a step or two out of your little kennel and just laid down on the threshold and looked up at me with such sad eyes as if to say “Mommy I don’t feel very well, please help me!” I don’t think I will ever forgive that idiot for doing that to my baby. I refused to let him get anywhere near you after that! Pepper, you were never just a dog or a pet. You were the best friend, puppy-mate, companion, confidante and little doggie-love that I could have ever hoped for! I miss you so very much and feel exactly the way this well-read little verse expresses: If tears could build a stairway And memories a lane I’d walk right up to heaven And bring you back again. You showed me the joy of unconditional love, you showed me the happiness that laughter can bring and you taught me how to be a better mommy for Ginger and Joey. Oh how I wish that you could have benefited more from the wonderful things that you brought into my life before you left. Do you remember how frail and sick you became towards the end? I think that I knew when you started to lose so much weight and started to have so many “accidents” in the house when you never had that problem before – EVER – that you were getting ready to leave. You were 20 years old what else could it be??? I just didn’t want to face the prospect of not having you with me so I ignored it. I didn’t realize at the time that when you were whimpering in the middle of the night you were in pain from the arthritis. I didn’t know any other way to keep you with me when you were having a lot of “accidents” other than in the laundry room so that you could pee into the drain and we could clean up after you easily. Oh Pepper how I regret that you were all alone down there when you had that heart attack that caused your paralysis. But I am so glad that we were able to carry you outside those last several weeks so that you could once again sit on the edge of the deck and look out over your little yard with the sun on your face and feel the wind through your fur! Do you remember when you cried during the night how I would come downstairs and hold you and rock you and sing you back to sleep? I’m sure you knew how desperately I wanted you to stay with me even when you couldn’t stand up any more. I was so selfish that I fed you from a fork and changed the towels under you so many times a day that I had to wash a load of those towels every single day. You tried so hard to fight off Mr. Death because mommy was selfish and wanted you to stay here even though you were very old, frail and so very, very tired!!! Daddy wanted to help you on your journey to the Rainbows Bridge, but I wouldn’t let him. I told him that as long as you wagged your tail and ate for me that I just knew you wanted to stay with me. But when you stopped eating and started to suffer, I told daddy I thought it was time to let you go. I dreaded that horrible moment with all my heart but I came home at lunch time the day that I gave daddy permission to let you go and told you how very much I loved you and what a good, good doggie boy you always were. I also told you that I knew you were very tired and ready to go and that it was OK and I didn’t want you to suffer for me any longer. Bless your loving little heart – you knew that it broke my heart and that I couldn’t really go through with it. You waited until daddy got home from work to say goodbye to him, too, then went on your own. I remember how all the neighbors came out of their houses and looked towards us as I held you for the last time screaming and crying for you to come back to me. Daddy washed you and blow dried your fur for me and I called Deanna to come and take care of you for us. I just knew I couldn’t stand the thought of burying you in the ground. I wanted you with me all the time and so now your ashes sit in a place on honor on the fireplace where I can see you and talk to you and feel close to you all the time. Pepper I also remember that I was in my early 20’s when I got you and was not the best mommy that I should have been. Oh, how I wish that I knew then what I know now and had taken better care of you and had been a better, more loving mommy. You deserved so much better than what you got from me! I think about you all the time and I wonder if you know just how much you mean to me and how very much I love you. I hope that you understood even when I was mad at you or yelled at you or punished you that I still loved you much more than even I myself knew. I wish – so very much – that you would come to me in my dreams and let me know that you are OK and happy at the bridge and waiting for me to come to cross the bridge with you! You will always be the best little doggie boy that mommy could have ever wanted and I will always love you very, very much. Please, Pepper, wait for me at the bridge – I can’t wait to hold you and kiss you again – FOREVER!!!