Did I Love You Enough?
by Jamie B
It's crazy how unpredictable life really is. I wake up to a text that says "Hey! I've got really great news for you!!" And I end my day with a phone call that says "Bad news, your dog is really sick and might not make it." I'm in California enjoying a Mongolian Grill, staring out at the beautiful skyline and my eyes instantly fill with tears. I'm in public so I'm trying not to be a mess, but the second I blink thousands of tears fall down my face. I instantly get in my car, check-out of the hotel, and begin the drive home. Just hang on until I get home, I'm rushing home. "She's suffering Jamie. We have to make a decision." So if I rush, I'll get home within 4.5 hours, she'll definitely be there and I can hold her to say goodbye. On the other hand...she's been on oxygen and she's having a hard time breathing. 4.5 hours to one person can be eternity to someone (or something). Is this what it feels like to have kids? You have to put your own feelings aside to do what's best for someone you love? I WANT to say goodbye. I need her to see me. I need it for ME. I pull over and cry harder than I've cried in years. I take a deep breath and ask him to let me video chat with her. I see her laying on a blanket..she doesn't even pull her head up. I can see she's fading. I say hello and I love you. I tell her it's going to be okay...I'LL be okay. I can't say goodbye. The video loses connection and I can't see her face anymore, but I stay talking so she knows I'm there. Eventually Nathan has to hang up. I know it's the last time I'll see her. She was acting funny before I left for my trip and I remember telling her as I was walking out, Finny (her nickname) I will see you later!! As I drove away from my house I remember praying that nothing happens to her while I'm away. I also remember that I didn't say goodbye, but instead I'll see you later. As I drove home, I probably cried every hour on the hour. But it gave me peace and somewhat helped me heal. She's not suffering...And she had 11 amazing years. She was my 3rd dog ever and she was 8 weeks old when I got her. She howled and sang "I love you" when she was happy. "BALL" was LIFE. She hated cameras, pictures steal your soul! And she looked like a miniature pitbull, as her mom was a pittie and her dad was a chihuahua. I know, wtf? She was my muscular little girl. Her name was Henessy and she's this girl's best friend. Dogs are the greatest companions. They bring so much joy to the lives of others and all of the world really. If you've read this far, thank you. Thank you for allowing me to share a life event. Fins, thank you for loving me. <3
Comments would be appreciated by the author, Jamie B
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