My Ilsa. She came with the house. Their cat had her litter on the same day as our closing, so they asked us if we wanted a cat. We had been married for about a year, but we had been together for over 6 years before that. We had never had any pets together though. After she had been weaned, they brought her home to us, and she was here ever since. Her presence is all over this house. I haven't washed the corner of the walls yet, where she would rub her mouth. I'm not strong enough yet to dust out her cubbyhole under our water bed. For 16 years she was a constant in our house. Always there for me. If I was sick and couldn't get out of bed, she stayed in bed with me. If I was sad, she would always try to comfort me. She would yell at me in the morning if I didn't feed her fast enough. She ripped our first couch to ribbons, but we would not have her declawed. She would lounge underneath the forsythia bush in the back yard like a lioness on the plains. When we brought our first baby home from the hospital, she looked at him as if to say, ok, it's here, but when is it leaving? But, my oldest son turned out to be her favorite. She was very patient with him and loved to play and be played with. As she got older, she would still have moments where she behaved like a kitten. Then one year in January, she disappeared. I was frantic and spent three days searching for her. I was scared that someone with less than honorable intentions had stolen her from us. It had been an indian summer day the last time we had all been outside together. The January thaw as we call it. But, then it had gotten cold. I told the kids that people had had their sheds open and were doing yard work that day. We were going to go door-to-door and ask everyone to check their sheds and garages. Then, while I was outside on the third morning before anyone else was up, I was calling her name over and over. As I passed my neighbor's house I heard an answering meow. I called again and sure enough there was another meow in answer! I kept calling and walking in the direction of the meows. She was inside my neighbor's garage! She must have been nosing around in there while he was working on his car. I called his wife on her cell phone and asked her to come home and let my cat out of her garage. She came home immediately. I was never so happy to see her! She was so hungry and cold. Lucky for all of us that he had old towels and stuff in there for her to curl up in and keep warm. The house feels the same as it did then. Whenever I come into the bedroom to check my e-mail, I look for her on the foot of the bed. When I'm done checking my mail, I automatically reach my hand back to stroke her soft fur. She's not there. When the vet slipped that needle into her leg, and she relaxed against me, she took a part of me with her. I'm not the same person I was. She'd always been healthy, but a year ago they told me she had hyperthyroidism. We gave her the pills faithfully, even though she didn't like them. Then, she got an infection in her mouth. We just thought it was teeth. It turned out to be a tumor. The vet said he could cut it out, but it would just grow back again. I couldn't put her through that. Putting her under anesthesia might kill her. We gave her antibiotics and brought her home. She and I talked, and I promised her I would not let her suffer, but I hoped she would make it until spring. I had no idea she would go downhill so fast. That thing grew in her mouth until she couldn't eat. She tried. I tried. I put her food in the blender to liquify it, and I tried chicken broth, but she wouldn't touch them. She just drank water. I told the kids that it was time, and we all cried together. Even my hubby was upset. So we got up on the last morning, bathed her and groomed her. Then we spent every minute of that day with her. Talking to her, petting her, rubbing her belly, taking pictures of her; by herself, and with all of us. Then we took her for one last walk around the yard. Her tail still swished at the sight of the birds and squirrels. She wasn't ready to go yet! It was so unfair! My gentle little Ilsa was supposed to just go to sleep one night and never wake up. She wasn't supposed to be starving because of an obstruction in her mouth. When the kids weren't looking, I went upstairs with her and I held her and sang to her. When it was time, my oldest, her favorite, went with me when I took her to the vet. No cage this trip. He held her in his arms and she looked calmly out the window. Not like previous trips to the vet when she would cry the whole way there. When we arrived, I put her inside my coat and carried her in. She sat there on the bench between us as regal and beautiful as always. The two of us, my son and I, petting her and taking turns crying. It was so hard! After all the other patients had left, the vet called us in. I kept hoping that he would look in her mouth and say, why look here! There's no tumor in her mouth, it's just a bad infection and we can take care of that in a jiffy. But, he nodded and said it had grown. I held her in my arms and told her I loved her and would miss her until the day I died. Then when she relaxed in my arms, I asked her to forgive me. My son was crying hard, and I was crying, my tears falling onto her beautiful black fur. We both kept petting her. The vet was very compassionate and kind and told us that if she could speak, she would probably have asked us to do this for her. He assured me we were doing the right thing, because she would suffer horribly if we didn't. I knew all this, of course. I had done much soul searching before I made my decision. I could not watch her starve. My son was so brave for a boy barely 13. As I signed the papers, he picked her up and buried his face in her fur and sobbed. The vet was so wonderful, he let us have as long as we wanted with her. We are having her cremated and we should get her ashes back next Thursday. We will keep her in the house until spring and then spread her ashes under the forsythia bush where she would spend most of her time when outside. She was not "just a cat". She was like one of my children, and I miss her terribly. I will never forget you, Ilsa, not as long as I live! You were a huge part of my life, and I'm still trying to figure out how I am going to move forward without you. Be at peace, my wee gentle angel. May your spirit soar and run with the big cats! I love you forever and always will.