My darling Sweetheart boy-- I feel within my heart I can write a novel about you and my ordeal with losing you yet it has taken me this long to be able to write this. I have circled June 4, 2001 on my calendar--so far the worst day of my life. Since 1991 you were mine, when I took you away from that nasty neighbor who didn't deserve to take care of you. If it wasn't for the fact that I did not have the music on in my car that day when I was driving, I would have never known you were in my car engine trying to keep warm. That day I knew, screw that lady, you're mine. From that day you belonged. Through the lonely times after my divorce, you made me feel whole in our new home. Even when I met Rene and baby Kirsten came along and of course your friends Luke and Snickers, you know what role you played and you always knew, nothing could replace you. You knew no matter how big the family, we had a bond, and it was all about us. That's why when I learned you were sick I threw everything I had into getting you well. Sweetheart, money wasn't the object. We were never rich, you know, but I had that savings for special events, and you were it--I took most of it to save your life. The only failure was, I didn't have the crystal ball to make sure all the decisions were right as I moved forward in finding you treatment--if I only knew then what I know now. Sweetheart I cannot help but blame myself--you have always always trusted me to take care of you--your momma who knew better. Why wasn't I smart enough to say to the dr's, "I'm not going to do what you suggest, I'm going to look into this" I just hope to God you did not see those surgeries I put you through as some way of me hurting you--I thought out every step I did Sweetheart, but I did not have all the right answers and I took alot of advice from people who were skilled to know better. Seems unbelievable that I would lose you 4 months after we noticed a problem. It's July 11, almost 6 weeks and the mornings and the evenings are the hardest--that was when you made yourself known to me, when everyone else was a sleep and you had me all to yourself. You still haunt my soul and it's times like this I wish I could see a ghost, I would rather see you in ghost form once in a while than never at all. It is too too odd, Sweetheart, I can't take it. Every night I am on the internet, searching for who knows what. Searching for a way to stop the crying maybe, or for a way to get it out so that one day it won't be a nightly thing. Or maybe it is to try to occupy myself since I cannot deal with the silence of your absence. If anything about Rainbow bridge has any real validity and is not just a poem to make us feel better, I yearn for the day I cross over and you see me and we take care of eachother once again. If only I can know this for certain so I am not fooling myself. If I had one hope in my life, is for our family chain to one day connect again, never to part again--you, me, Rene, Kirsten, Luke and Snickers--forever, the family. We love you, I love you dearly. Always in the present tense as real love is eternal--momma