Roxie was diagnosed with Lymphoma Sarcoma in August 2004. Her primary vet, Dr. Ali didn’t seem to have much hope and said it was a matter of months. While most people were very sympathetic, others said I should have her put to sleep. Maybe it was selfish of me, but I just couldn’t let her go with out giving her a chance at some more time. I asked Dr. Ali if he knew of anyone that could help her and he referred me to Dr. Harris at Veterinary Specialists. The treatments would be very expensive and it meant weekly visits, but she was worth it to me. It’s amazing that after a few treatments, she was back to her normal self. I hadn’t really noticed the slow deterioration and felt guilty that I should have noticed. Everyone at the vet’s office just seemed to love Roxie. They call her their little girl and were so pleased at how she was doing. They were her cheering section. The always commented on how good she was about taking her shots, blood tests and IV treatments. They gave her a Christmas goodie bag and took pictures of her when she had one of her cute outfits on. I even called a pet psychic who told me that Roxie loved me and that she knew that she was trying to help her and that she wasn’t ready to leave me yet. I wasn’t ready for her to leave me either. We even drove to Houston for a while to see a vet who specialized in herbal treatments. I just wanted her to get better and stay with me. Roxie started her chemo protocol in September and at the end of her treatment in March 2005, was in remission.

But in August 2005, the lumps came back so once again Dr. Harris started treating her. This time she did not bounce back, she wasn’t eating much and was very sluggish. The first week of October, I came home from work and Roxie did not greet me at the door with the others. I found her in my bathroom, laying on her bed, she did not move, only her eyes when she saw me. I picked her up and put her on the bed, talking to her and stroking her, hoping she would perk up. I didn’t have a thermometer, but knew her temperature was really high. I called the vet and they squeezed me in. They took her temperature, which was 105 and immediately put her on ice packs and covered her in wet towels. They took a blood test and found that her white count was alarmingly low. It should have been around 20,000, but it was 340. They administered several antibiotics and sent me home with ice packs, shots and pills. She finally got better after about three days. That weekend, I was to meet my sister and her family at a lake for a picnic, halfway between Dallas and Houston. I don’t know why, but at the last minute, I grabbed a dog bed and put it in the car. I didn’t want to leave her at home. We had a great time. Roxie just walked around with me. And for the first time, I left the leash off and she just stayed around close and followed me, where before, she would have been off exploring.

A couple of weeks later, her blood count was still low so they couldn’t give her a treatment. Then before the week was out, on Friday her temperature jumped again but we had to make an emergency visit to Dr. Ali because Dr. Harris was not available. Same thing, she had a 105 temperature and we put her on ice packs immediately and antibiotics. It took several days before she even felt like eating. We went to see Dr. Harris on Tuesday, the drugs had worked and her blood count was back up so they gave her some chemo drugs and told me to continue with the antibiotics.

On Tuesday, before her vet visit, Roxie and I got to spend the day together because I needed to give someone a ride to Southwest Dallas for a job interview. I hadn’t planned to take her with me, but once again, at the last minute, I couldn’t leave her at home. We waited two hours in the car. I reclined the driver’s seat and Roxie was lying on my chest, soaking in the sun and looking out the window. If I closed my eyes, she would start giving me kisses. She gave me so many kisses over and over again, it was fun to be just the two of us again, playing with her, and making me laugh with her again. A passerby saw her kissing me and stopped, he commented about her being a guard dog, she immediately growled at him, and he said “Oh, you are a guard dog.” then left smiling. On Thursday night, from the dinner table I could see her sitting in front of the refrigerator. It seemed to me at the time that it was an odd thing for her to do. She was sitting straight up and just looking. Later I found her outside on the patio doing the same thing. Now I think maybe she was trying to soak it all in. Like taking one last look at it all.

On Friday morning, as I got out of the shower at 4:30 am to get ready to go to work, I was called to come right away, Roxie was lying outside of the bedroom door and not moving. I called her but she did not move. As soon as I touched her, I knew that she was gone. She had just died; her limp body was still warm. I gathered her up in my arms and hugged her for a while. I wrapped her in a blanket and just talked to her, rocked her and cried. The feeling of guilt was so overwhelming. Why didn’t I go look for her? Could I have found her in time to have her in my arms at the moment when she died? After a while I left her lying on the bed, wrapped up like a papoose, but where I could see her face. And every now and then I would lie next to her, holding her and kissing her, telling her I loved her. All the other dogs lay around her on the bed all morning.

At 7:00 I called Dr. Ali’s office. The first time I had to say Roxie died, I completely broke down. They told me to bring her in and they would make all the arrangements. It was two more hours before I could take her to the vet. I just didn’t want to take her and leave her there. I finally did take her and really had a hard time letting go, they gave me a few minutes alone with her to say goodbye one more time and I just broke down again. This was truly the hardest thing I have had to do. Both doctors’ have said that I have done more for her than most people would. Dr. Ali says that I was a very good Mommy and he is proud of me for that. That helps, but I just want my baby back.

As my friend Jenny says, Roxie had a good life, she was royalty, and she was the queen. I know that she knows how special she was to me. I miss her terribly. Even with a house full of dogs, she was the best; she was the most loving and special one. Roxie is gone and there is such an emptiness inside. I treasure every moment that she was able to stay with us. This last year has been rough, but I don’t regret it and I hope she treasures them too.