by John Carr
I have never posted on here before and have a sad reason for doing so today. For today I have had to have my sixteen year old tom cat put to sleep. It has been on of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make and already I am missing him dearly.
Without boring you all Thomas and three other animals(a dog and two other cats) I own belonged to a neighbour who died sixteen months ago, and her family were going to have them put to sleep. Been a close friend to this lady and her animals I could not see this happen. She had been like a mum to me in her time, and her animals in many ways my animals.
Over the last year I have had to take these animals, and get ourselves some kind of accomodation. The stress in doing all this lead to me losing my job, and my sanity in the process. I am not moaning as they were worth every last breath.
Just as things were settling things went so worng so quickly. Thomas had always been so active even for his age. He was always the first to the water, the food and the treats, and he gave me so many scatches and cuddles you would not believe so on Saturday I knew something was wrong when instead of any of these he hardly touched his breakfast and went straight onto my bed. He had his off days like most of us but I had a feeling this was more than that. By the nightime he hadn't come down for anything and that wasn't him so I took him up some water and gave it to him on the bed. He lapped it up somewhat half heartedly and dozed off again.
On the sunday he was clearly not good at all. I even went out to get his favourite tuna in brine in (he would never touch it in oil) but after a few mouthfuls he was clearly not interested and spent the day lolling around. I decided to help him to the litter tray which he used and then as he stepped out he fell on his side. He stayed with me again that night and I made the decision to contact the vets on the Monday.
By Monday I didn't need a vet to tell me he was on his way. Kidney trouble it was. A typical cat killer I am told. I booked him in for the Tuesday and he was to spend a final night with me. The night was so hard and the vets was simply the worst. I miss him so much.
I keep thinking should I have spotted something? Did I neglect him? He wasn't a lovable cat by any means and he was very snooty. It was only after his original owner died and I took him over that we bonded. He jumped on my knee and shared my bed. Something that had never happened before. He made the last fifteen months of my life worthwhile and I can't help feeling that I didn't give him the same treatment.
He had never been to the vets in his life and had always been so active so naturally I assumed that there was nothing wrong with him. Now I feel the odd check up is part of the resposible animal owners job. I feel I betrayed him on that one. He goes back so far in my life, before my teens. I would have loved more time for us to have just been able to chill out. It just isn't fair. I tried to do the right thing and just as it was all getting sorted he was taken from me. And so quickly too. That's what hurts. Why couldn't Thomas have gone from an active cat to a bedtime cat first. I would have known and been able to make him more comfortable.
This site has been wonderful and the words of the other posters here have had me in tears.But what do I do now? I have the other three animals still but it feels different. I feel I have let us all down. Thomas for all his faults was the one I bonded with most. Maybe because I have so many faults too. This site has been wonderful and the words of the other posters here have had me in tears.
All I want to do now is to see his litle grey face light up when I get some tuna in as a treat, or to have him sleep beside me or even under the covers when it got cold. It hurts to know I will never have that pleasure again when I would do so much for it.
Do we see them again I wonder? Like all the animal friends and human friends we have loved and lost I hope so. I don't want glory ever after in the after life. I just want to be with the ones I love again.
‘On a winters day, I saw the life blood drain away, A cold wind blows on a windless day’ Ben’s Song – Sarah McLachlan
To Thomas, I love and miss you so so so much, and I always will. Thank you so much for giving me the chance to write this.