December 24, 2015|
Good morning, my dear little blue boy! In 15 minutes, it will be Christmas Day. It is 20 days since I sent you to Rainbow Bridge to be with Tigger and Jennie and Winnie and Tutu and Whitey and Mrs. Cat and Millicent and Agamemnon. And so many others: Prune and Peaches, Teddy and Panda, Chanson and another Tigger who was her brother. They are all there with you. I miss you my Wicket, but as each day passes, I realize how tired and sick you were, and how desperately you wished to be free of your misery. If I waited too long, please forgive me. You never complained, and so it was not until I really, really LOOKED at you that day that I saw how thin and weak you were, and heard you pleading with me to help you. I love you Wicket, and I always will. I can close my eyes and see your little face, with those big round gold eyes, and your wee blue nose, and the otter whiskers, your little blue toes, and your thick luxurious silver-blue coat as it was before your illness. You were a gorgeous little boy, and every single person who ever met you loved you. Martha said to tell you she will miss seeing you when she delivers the groceries. Stewart and Lyra are sad that you will not be here when you come to visit. Barbara loved you, too - Barbara, who used to be a dog person - until she met you, Wicket. You turned her into a cat person just by being you, a sweet, loving, mellow, happy, dear little boy. You presence in my life was a gift I will cherish always, and I can feel that in some way, you are still here with me. Merry Christmas, my Wicket!
Hello, dear little blue boy. Two days now you have been gone from me, a very long and lonely two days. But today we are better, Zoe and I, knowing that you are happy and no longer suffering. We look into each other's eyes, and we are thinking of you, both of us. So many people have shared so many words of sympathy and comfort. You can see them all in your guest book. Jan has been my rock, as she always is, and I think she has shed as many tears as I have. Barbara too; you made a complete conquest there, and she not a cat person at all. You had that way about you; one look at you and every single person fell in love. Martha said she will miss her buddy so much. Lyra and Stewart are as heartbroken as I am.
Did you see your picture as my screen saver? I was looking at all the photos of you taken since you first came to live with Jack and me and found that, and it is my favorite of all. Lyra is going to make me a print that I can frame. I laughed at some of them, of you drinking water from the bar sink faucet in Weed, or sleeping in the sink, and drinking from that Ocean Mist fountain I had in the window, or just lying flat out on your back with all four feet in the air, totally relaxed on the kitchen island. I was very sad to see that because by the time you came to live with us, I was using solely the digital camera, I have no prints of you but one Toni sent to me when you still lived with her. So Jan and Don are going to print some of the ones I emailed to them for me. There are lots of photos of you and my Jennie in my albums on my computer. I am sure you and Jennie have found each other by now and are so happy to be reunited. And you will have met my darling Tiggy Winkle, too. You and he and Jennie will have each other to play with. And Tutu is there, too, so be sure to find him and he will be another good friend. You heard Dr. Wilson say to you "go now, and chase butterflies." I am sure there are plenty of gorgeous butterflies for you all to chase at Rainbow Bridge. Ah, Wicket, I do miss your adorable fat little face, and your totally stunning golden eyes, round as an owl's eyes. You had a look of perpetual surprise with those perfectly round eyes. A completely perfectly beautiful little boy, you were, and now you are again.
Please forgive me Wicket, if I did not hear you soon enough, begging for my help, and if you were hurting those last days. When I saw you taking so long to lie down, I wondered if it was because you hurt somewhere. My sadness at your absence is tempered by the sense of relief that you are not still tied to your thin little body, and so miserable all the time that all you wanted to do was sleep.
I will be here often, my Wicky, to talk to you and remind you of times you made me laugh so hard, and all the love you gave me while you were part of my life. I send you love, so much love it is immeasurable. Night-night for today, sweet boy.
December 5, 2015
My dearly loved wee boy, even though it was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my life, I did what you had been begging me to do for over a week, and sent you home to Heaven yesterday. After months of struggling to eat when you did not want to, of being so thirsty that no amount of water you could drink would quench it, of spending all of your days and nights just sleeping in order to shut out your misery, I had to think only of what YOU wanted, and not my desire to keep you with me a little longer. I thank God I had just found a new vet, who is another angel He has put in my life when I most needed one. You must have known that, because you were not afraid of her when she came to our home yesterday. You were so good, little Wicky, and just stayed lying in your furry bed when I put you there, while she gave you a bit of tranquilizer, and while we talked to you and you laid your head in my hand and we waited for the medicine to take effect. I could feel you just going relaxed and limp, and I do believe you were already asleep and at peace by then, even before she gave you the medicine that sent you off, saying as she did so "Go now, and chase butterflies." And you were gone from me, so quickly, so quietly, so that I could hardly believe you were gone, until I lifted one little soft silver paw up an inch and let it go, and it just flopped back down limply. Your gorgeous gold eyes were closed, and your spirit had flown away in mere seconds. I am so grateful to God for taking you home and into his arms so gently and so easily. And I am grateful to him for giving me the strength and courage to keep to my resolve, and to let you go.
My wee Wicket, thank you for all the joy, love and laughter you gave me over 12 years of your life, which now seems so short - and yet it feels now as if you had always been with me for my entire life. The house is so quiet and feels so empty with you gone and just Zoe and me here. I miss you so that my heart aches constantly, and tears come so often and at the oddest moments. Zoe misses you terribly, too. She follows me around, or just sleeps, and she does not even care to eat much. She knows you are gone and not coming back, though, because she has not once that I have seen gone into the guest room and looked for you under the bed where you had taken to sleeping in the past weeks, where it was dark and warm and quiet I tried everything to make you well, but kidneys can't be fixed, as the vet said, and you tried, too, for a long time. I suddenly remembered Tom, my vet in Shasta, saying to me when I had to let Jennie go years ago, that we love our pets so much that often we forget what suffering they may be enduring. That was three days ago, and I made my decision instantly as I recalled those wise words from that kind and caring man.
You are safe now, happy and whole again, and a huge weight has been lifted off me, knowing that I truly did the right thing in letting you go. And you do not need to worry about me, my Wicky. I am so sad and lonely and missing you so, but I can feel you sometimes, here with me, and I am comforted. Just be at peace.
I will visit this site, which I have created to honor your life, and I will do so often for a while, and here, I will write down some of my favorite memories of your life with me. I love you, wee boy.