Oh Weylin, Mommy and Sissy miss you so much. It was hard to turn the page on our photo calendar, because I knew I would see pictures from our last Christmas together. I hung your homemade paw print ornament and your photo ornament on the Christmas tree, but I couldn't bear to hang the stuffed dog bones with the little jingle bells on the tree. I couldn't put up the quilted Christmas stockings that I made when you were still a growing pup. You were such a silly boy, always sticking your head in the Christmas tree. I always thought it was because you loved the lights.
We missed you at Maggie's 13th birthday party...you loved cake so much. I wore the necklace that I had made with some of your fur, so you could be there in spirit. The squeaky green turtle that I got you for your last birthday is still on the kitchen floor when you last left it, and there is still a squeaky egg under the love seat.
I thought of you while I was making Thanksgiving mashed potatoes...one of your very favorite foods.
It's hard to believe that it's been only a little over six months, it seems like forever when I last held you in my arms. Maggie was spooked by gunshots today, and the fur on the back of her neck stood up. It instantly reminded me of you. With your beautiful coat, your fur always stood up in a smooth 'buffalo bump.
It's getting ready to turn really cold, and I don't know how I will bear seeing the first snowfall without you. Snow will never be the same.
Maggie still drinks out of the water bowl in the wooden feeder that your daddy made for you. She kept going to your bowl until I put water in it.
I made you an Instagram account, so I could share memories and photos of you with the world. @weylinroach. You were and are loved by so many people. I'm so glad that I have tons of photos and videos of you. I like to watch the videos, so I can hear you talk to me. I even found videos of your first birthday in Myrtle Beach. I still remember the day we let you pick out a toy from a pet store at Barefoot Landing. You picked out a squeaky bunny that we have always called 'Beach Bunny'. Beach Bunny still squeaks to this day, and he survived many trips through the washing machine. I opened the Velcro pouch on his belly and placed some of your precious fur inside, and I always keep him on the bed.
Please know that we haven't forgotten you, and our lives are not the same without you. I hope there is snow in Heaven and cheeseburgers, mashed potatoes, and cake. I hope you have all the squeaky toys and tennis balls that you could ever want. Merry Christmas Fuzzy Bunny, Mommy loves you to the moon and back.
Dear Bubba, it's our first night without you. I am writing this to you because if I stop I can't even breathe. I can't believe you're gone. My sweet, precious baby boy. How I had hoped and prayed for more afternoons on the porch and another summer of walkies. I begged and pleaded with God, but I guess he needed a super smart, sassy dog with a larger than life personality in Heaven. Please wait for me until I get there.
I don't know how to live without pill alarms and I don't know how to sleep in the dark. I deleted the pill app from my phone because I was afraid that if I heard of go off, I would shatter into a million pieces. I know you had grown tired of taking pills and medicine every day, and I hated making you take them. No more pills in Heaven buddy and no more seizures to be afraid of. Mommy tried so hard to make them stop.
I turned off the alarms on my phone, although I would have gladly lived the rest of my life by your schedule. Maybe Maggie and I will just stay in bed all day although I feel like I will never sleep again. I will not turn out the light for I will surely awake in a panic looking for you. Maybe I will never sleep in the dark again. I dread the moment that I first fall asleep and then wake to realize that you are really gone. I stand in the bedroom doorway with a lump in my throat. How can I go to bed like nothing even happened? Sissy ate her cookies, I gave her an extra one for you. She will always get cookies before bed because you refused to go to bed without them. She is exhausted and confused, but I think somehow she understands.
We no longer need the water proof pads on the bed, and it will seem so odd not to hear them crinkle at night. How can I go to sleep if you are not laying on my feet? If I had known that last night would be the LAST night, what would I have done differently? I want to curl up in a ball on the floor beside the bed and cry because that is where you were when I woke up today. I just realized that I don't even need to turn on my alarm clock. Maggie and I will be so lost without you. The moment you were gone, the sense of loss was profound. There's too much room in the bed. How can I sleep with all this room in the bed? You were my baby from seven weeks of age. How can 13 years seem so short?
I'm glad that you had scrambled eggs for lunch, and I'm sorry you had to wait for them to cool. Im glad I was tired and I decided to get cheeseburgers Thursday evening. If I had know those Wendy burgers would be the last ones, I wouldn't have made you eat vegetables with them. I'm glad you got to have mashed potatoes yesterday...organic ones of course. Sissy ate the rest for dinner in your honor. Just chicken and mashed potatoes, no fruit, no supplements, no extra surprises. I hope they have lots of cheeseburgers, mashed potatoes, and scrambled eggs in Heaven, and you can eat as much as you want.
I'm so glad I let you sunbathe in the grass this afternoon even though I thought it was too hot, and I'm glad I gave you cookies for no reason.
I promise I will try not to think of all the things I regret, for they are many. I fear now that I caused you pain today, and if I let it, that alone will engulf me. I prayed that rest and the laser therapy would help heal your back. I was going to buy you a stroller so we could go for walks until your back got better, but you won't need it in Heaven my sweet baby. I can picture you running once again, strong and healthy and pain free.
Even though I knew it was a possibility, it happened so quickly and so unexpectedly. I didn't want it to end this way, but if it had to be this way it was how I wanted it. Your father was close by and came quickly, and I had medication to give you to ease your pain. There were no strangers, no strange places just the calm, quiet voice and soothing presence of your own vet in your own home. I was able to hold you in my arms and kiss you with my heart beating next to your heart until the last beat. I am devastated and heartbroken, and life will never be the same. Your father is heartbroken as well. You had been quieter as of late, and I can't imagine never hearing your voice again. You were a fighter, and I fought for you until the end. We couldn't let you suffer, even though we didn't want to let you go. I didn't want to have to make this choice, but I could not let you be scared or in pain. You were my heart, and now another piece of my heart is gone forever. My precious Weylin, Mommy, Daddy and Sissy will love you forever and ever.
Dear Bubba, it's been almost a week now. Sissy is so sad without you. Maybe you could send a sign just for her to let her know it's ok to be an only dog now. Somehow I think she was with you as you went to Heaven. She always looked to you to be the leader, her big brother. She is lost without you.
I miss you so very much, and it's getting harder every day. I guess the shock wore off, and it became so much more real when your Daddy brought you home one last time. The house is so quiet and empty without you, the sense of loss is profound. I hope that Wulfar was waiting there to welcome you into Heaven, and that you both will be there waiting for me when I get there. My broken heart will never heal, and life is so much different without you. Love you forever, Mommy, Daddy, and Sissy.
Oh my sweet baby boy Weylin, Mommy and Sissy miss you so much. It's been a week today, and every day seems to get more difficult. I can't believe that I will never touch you and hug you and kiss your head each night again in this world.
Oh my sweet Bunny, it's been two weeks. Mommy and Sissy don't know what to do without you. How can you be gone? There's this huge hole in my heart that will never be filled. You practically raised Maggie, and I don't think she knows how to live without you. You taught her that toys and objects were not things to eat, and you were so smart. You would come and get me whenever she chewed something up, and you probably saved her life more than once. When she ate the chocolate cake that we thought was out of reach, you knew better. We always called you the Nanny because you watched over her and taught her so much. Sissy got a Bark Box today, and it had a toy in it that you would have loved and it just broke my heart. 💔I've saved every piece of fur that I find, and I washed your bowls and put them back in your feeder. I can't bear to move it. I have no words for this, it's so much different than I could ever have imagined. You were never just a dog. You were a thinking, feeling, emotional being with a beautiful soul. Oh how I miss the sound of your voice talking to me. Sissy use to try to imitate you, but she's so quiet now. My whole world is quiet now. I could have missed the pain, but I would have had to miss the dance. What a beautiful dance it was, and I wouldn't trade it for anything.