2010 - My sweet hound... Christmas is just around the corner...again. Another year passes without you...and still so hard to believe. How I have needed you in my life the past few years...it is so difficult to go on most days without your comfort. It amazing how much you gave to me in so many ways. |
I will light your candles as I always do on Christmas Eve. I know you will be in good company at the Rainbow with Mooseman, Abby, Avery, Higgens, Cocoa, and of course the other two Amigos..Lucy and Ralphie...Harley...Bear...and so many more of your friends!
I love and miss you baby dog so much...you never leave my heart or my mind...ever.
Be happy my friend the hound...I love you the mostest. He's a good boy...yes he is. xoxoxoxo
Christmas 2005...... I haven't been able to put together all that I want everyone to know about you my friend.
For now I will just say that I miss you soooo much. I find it hard to accept that you are not here with me this Christmas. :(
I love you with everything that I am my buddy. I long for you everyday. You are in my thoughts, and in my heart now and for always. I love you the mostest Beans....he's a good boy.... yes he is. I love you Wally. xoxoxo
May 28, 2006 1 YEAR
My sweet hound,
I had to let go of you 1 year ago today. It will forever remain the hardest day of my life. I have shed a lot of tears this morning, but I have also just sat rocking thinking about what an incredible blessing it was to have shared your little life.
I have one person to thank for that..Steven. I can close my eyes and still remember how sunny the office was that day. It was my Birthday and I knew I was in for a few surprises, but little did I know I would be receiving what would become such a huge part my very soul.
Steven and I were only co-workers back then. I can see it like it was yesterday. There I am working at my desk and something catches my eye. I picked up my head from my work and looked to the floor. There was this tiny, little red object sneaking from behind the side of the file cabinet. I could not believe what I was seeing, your little body the size of my hand came waddling out to greet me with great curiousity. I could hear Steven in the background laughing and saying "hey you no come back here!" The first thing that struck me was your size, and how big your ears and paws were in comparison. You had the biggest paws for a little guy your size and they had big wrinkles!We later nicknamed them "woofers" and I'm not quite sure why...but it fit.
You were the best gift I have ever received.
It's funy how certain things just stay with you, certain moments that are just etched into your mind for some reason. You can close you eyes and see it all so perfectly clear as if watching a movie. I remember the exact moment your little personality showed itself to me. I was in bed sitting up and you were on top of the blankets. You gave me this look with those big, brown, eyes! I now know what that look is all about. hahaha You looked at me like you were up to no good, your eyes grew wide and you tilted you head like you always did at moments such as those. I had hand under the covers playing buggies. You took a big leap toward me and pounced on me like a rabbit. All I could see were those big, wrinkled paws and those ears flopping. It was the look in your eyes that stole my heart that day. That was the day you revealed to me just how very special you were ya big hound! However, big you were not, in fact I can recall you being rolled up in ball in my lap while we drove home that day from the office. What I wouldn't do to go back to that day and start all over and have it all again!!!
There are so many memories and for that I am thankful beyond words. We had our disagreements and I prefer not to recall those. I pray that you knew and know just how much I truly love you despite those, we always got over them rather quickly didn't we?
You WERE my medicine for life Wallybeans. You were by my side through soooo much. I don't know what I would have done without you. You were my bestest friend....my friend the hound.
People were so amazed at how you felt everything I felt. You could sense everything. I worry now that I had a bad effect on you actually, but we just had such a connection there was no fighting it.
This is why I had to do what I did. I couldn't have you suffer babybeans. You hadn't been feeling well for a couple of months. We were spending way too much time at the Vets. We tried changing your food but nothing was helping. On May 3rd I took you in for an ultra sound. I didn't have a good feeling, but I still held out strong hope. However, I knew when they called me to pick you up that is wasn't good news because the secretary didn't do a very good job of hiding her feelings. My stomach dropped as soon as I heard her voice. I drove as quickly as possible over to pick you up. I was told they had found two masses one where you stomach connects to your intestine, and the other in your intestines. They gave me 2-3 weeks with you and advised against surgery. I thought to myself 2-3 weeks!? How can this be??? Less than a month left with my baby??? I got online and ordered special immune vitamins for dogs with cancer. I tried to think of anything I could do. They had you on 3 meds and the more you took the worse you got and the quicker it would seem I was losing you. I decided to just give you all the love possible for the remainder of your time with me. This meant forgetting about my health, my troubles, and putting you before all else! This is what I did Wallybeans. We would grab a container of water, the blue blanket and head to the park, a place you had not been to near enough. I remember the first visit after your diagnosis. I led you to the open field and you ran like you had never run before....your ears blowing in the wind...you were so damn happy!! My heart broke. I stood there crying just as hard as I am now recalling it. I cried for many reasons watching you. It wasn't just that you were leaving me it was that I had not given you soooo much of what you needed and should have had because of my own health problems, and for that I hated myself sooo much and still do to this day!!! Why did it take a death sentence to get me to do this for you? So many why's.
From that day on I made sure on every sunny day we had that you were at that park! On May 28, 2005 I made the call. We were heading into a long weekend, and you were not doing well and noone would be around. Your days were pretty good, your nights were hell! I couldn't have you suffer, gasping for breath the way you would for even one more night.
Off to the park we went for one last time with our blue blanket....you, Steven and myself. You sat with the wind blowing in your ears, head up, eyes closed taking in the fresh air. I prayed to God to let you go peacefully when that time came. Time went by far too quickly and I was not ready.
Only you could tell me what went wrong that day. Why didn't you go peacefully? What was it that you were feeling? Why weren't my prayers answered? You were just supposed to feel calmer, but instead you reacted the opposite. I felt like you were trying to tell me to stop and I couldn't by then Beans. No one there will ever forget the moment you licked my tears from my cheek oblivious as to what was happening to you. Doctor Murray gave you more seditive and within seconds you grew too weak to breath and I said, "do it now!" It was awful....the most awful thing I have ever experienced in my life.
Ending the life of something so precious to me has had such a profound effect of me and my life. I will never be the same without you. You were and are simply the love on my life Wallybeans now and forever.
I will share more about you at a another time and let everyone in on your sense of humor and all the things that made me so very happy.
Until then....I love you so much Wallybeans.....so very much!!!! I miss you every moment of every day!!!
He's a good boy....yes he is. xoxoxoxo Be happy and healthy my buddy. I pray with all that I am we are together again one day.
11/10/2007- Wallybeans, I know this song might have a different meaning for some, but for me from the first time I heard it I thought of you baby even though it's not quite three years yet. So much of what I feel is in this song.
"Who Knew" from Pink
You took my hand
You showed me how
You promised me you'd be around
I took your words
And I believed
You said to me
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong
I know better
Cause you said forever
Remember when we were such fools
And so convinced and just too cool
I wish I could touch you again
I wish I could still call you friend
I'd give anything
When someone said count your blessings now
'fore they're long gone
I guess I just didn't know how
I was all wrong
They knew better
Still you said forever
I'll keep you locked in my head
Until we meet again
Until we meet again
And I won't forget you my friend
If someone said three years from now
You'd be long gone
I'd stand up and punch them out
Cause they're all wrong and
That last kiss
Until we meet again
And time makes
I wish I could remember
But I keep
You visit me in my sleep
I miss you
I miss you so much Wally. In some ways the pain is still just as intense as the day you left me in my arms. I think back now and ask myself WHY? Why on earth did I not take all of you in after you left me. I let them take you from my arms, too quickly. I don't know if it's the brains way of protecting? I just wasn't thinking. If I could go back I would kiss you and kiss you, right where all those wrinkles are on your forehead. I would inhale your smell so deeply that it would never leave me. I would touch every part of you so that I would never forget, your soft ears, you nose, your eyebrows, your paws, your tail, your jellybelly. I should have stopped and thought and not turned away to cry. I should have absorbed every last glance of you. I am still sooo heartbroken and noone has a clue here at home. Perhaps it isn't normal, but you WERE MY baby. You were what got me through every day with at least some hope. If there wasn't any well at least I had you curled up next to me and it would seem that's all I really needed. My words can't even begin to describe the loss I feel when I think of you and see your face. Being in this house again all it does is make me miss you mnore. I think about how much you would have loved it with all of the open space now. There would be so much for your tiny body to go and explore. I look at certain spots that were yours, and they are now different and yet the same some how. Wish were you here. I love you with all that I am my friend, forever.
Hi My Hound...My Bestest Friend... Another Christmas without you baby boy. I miss you just as much as the day you left me in my arms that day. The last three years have been so rough Wallybeans... you were always such a source of comfort, love, and strength in times such as those. It has been so difficult without you...something many would never understand. You were my Medicine For Life my friend.
I will light your candles Christmas Eve as usual and let them burn till Christmas Morning... to let you know that you were and will always be the light of my life.
I am still holding out hope that I will be able to continue on the journey that you've led me on. I hope that one day I will once again experience the miracle that You, Lucy, and Ralphie orchestrated. Undeniable!
I will hold you again one day buddy... kiss your nose and your ears... and rub that jelly belly! Until then run with the wind in your ears babyboy...free and happy as you did that day in the park. No more suffering and sickness just health and happiness!
I love you the mostest my friend the hound! He's a good boy...yes he is!
Merry Christmas Wallingford. xoxo
I keep waking up feeling as though you have slept all curled up next to me... it has happened at least 4 times in the past two weeks... I knew I needed you with all that is happening around me. I miss you my friend...my angel.
Love you the mostest Wallybeans! xoxoxo
May 25, 2010
My Sweet baby boy....How I miss you Wallingford... not a day goes by still that I don't think of you. You were my strength... my comfort... and the last 3 years have been so difficult but I know your little spirit is with me in my darkest moments. I picture you happy, healthy, and cancer free with the wind in your ears... that brings a smile to my face Beans. :) I miss you with all that I am buddy. Until we are together again one day my bestest friend... the hound! I love you the mostest Wallybeans! He's a good boy oh yes he is! xoxoxo