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10/28/14 - let me tell you about Tucker, now that I can see a bit. he loved dogs, starting with Yorkie Beau and continued with Corgi Bryn - he would wash their ears, wash their faces, and bite them if they got rowdy. he could hunt anything - and killed most of it, but he would also bring in baby bunnies to mother and live hummingbirds to fly around. when he was a kitten, he tried to play with my betta, who, unfortunately, could not breathe out of water. his coat was thick as a wool blanket, and he loved going out in the rain and in the snow - nothing got through that magnificent coat. he had a huge vocabulary, and used it constantly: when he walked through the house, you could hear him talking all the way. he would sleep in my lap, his head against my breast, or in bed with me, his head cradled in my hand. at the vet, they called him "El Tigre," because he was a BIG cat - all 21 pounds of him, his paws like babies' fists. but about 4 years ago he got very very ill, and we almost lost him - he lost 5 pounds, then 2 more, then more after that. he developed ankylosing spondylitis, and that made it hard for him to jump and run and hunt, so he was on a pretty steady regimen of steroids the last few years. he knew how to get attention: tell Mom what you wanted, and if she didn't get it to you right away, bite her. we arranged things so he could get up on them more easily, because he helped Daddy do the crossword puzzle every morning. and we gave him special tasty food, with lots of gravy, because it was harder for him to eat. I knew he was aging much faster than he should have been, but I did not expect him to need to leave so quickly yesterday - and I was with him to the very end, like I was with Graham, my other beloved brown tabby boy - we had our gaze fixed on each other until we could no longer see, my eyes for the tears, and his with forever sleep. he was my love, my spirit, my everything, and he is gone, and I am destroyed. 11/6 - last night we picked up my Tucker's ashes and his paw print. I don't think I've stopped crying since. there has not been a day go by that I haven't spent most of the day sobbing. I've been trying to stay distracted and not be an emotional wreck, but it's so hard. our boy corgi Bryn is missing his kitty buddy so bad: he gets in bed in Tucker's spot and just waits and waits. we've ordered a pet urn that we think expresses our love for our lost boy, but it isn't here yet, and it seems to be something I need to help me move past this heavy, debilitating grief. if I ever can. 10/15/15 - in the year since I lost my beloved boy, young Pippin has come with his soft grey-tabby ways, beautiful calico Pika Many-toes has passed the Bridge, and midnight-baby Clara, and George her tail, has come to live with us. Pippin and Clara have made their own burrows in my heart, but the empty center that was Tucker is still void and cries. Our Bryn still grieves, and he stands fierce guard over his pack-family - corgi Trixibel and rescue chihuahua old Freddy - that neither they nor *his* kitties will disappear like Tucker did. so he patrols the house and yard, keeping ghosts and goblins away - and out of the corner of his eye, he thinks he spots his Tucker friend returned. then he comes and sits by my, head in lap, for me to rub those ears like Tucker did. we miss him still; even Daddy will say his name when Pippin walks by. I love you forever, Tucker; we miss you eternally. there is no replacement; there is no loss of grief. 10/26/16 - Darling Tuck, you have a new baby sister. Pippin and Clara are now the guardians of baby Sheena, Queen of the Jungle. she is 3 months old, and beautiful brown torbie Maine Coon kitten, only 13 weeks old, and full of Tucker-spirit. you would love her, I know. the three of them play together on the kitty condo, in the bathtub, and all over the house. every now and then, she stops in her play and walks quietly into the kitchen, and looks up at the little urn of Mommy and Daddy holding you. she knows you're looking down at her and wishing you could sit on her and wash her ears just like you washed Bryn's. Brynnie still misses you terribly, and every night in bed he comes and puts his head in my hands so I can rub his ears. he sighs a big sigh, and one little doggy tear travels down his muzzle. Trixibel looks at your picture on the wall and says your name - she doesn't really remember you, but she loves looking at your picture. little old Freddy wishes he'd met you. Daddy & I miss you horribly still - sometimes we call Pippin "Tucker" - and we still listen to your voice coming down the hall. Sweet boy, you are always in my heart. Always. Always. 10/10/17 - ah, my sweetest Tucker. I can't believe it's been 3 years. it feels like just yesterday that I had to say goodbye to you, my darling. and yes, Bryn still misses you. every night, he comes for ear rubs, and asks me where you are and have you forgotten him. I tell him you will never forget him, that you will love him forever. Daddy and I still call Pippin by your name - and Pippin remembers you: "Mommy, Tucker and I are the same. we both love you. when I was born, Tucker came into my heart just so we could both come to you and tell you how much we love you. don't cry, Mommy... remember that we love you." and here I am, crying, sobbing my eyes out, because I still miss you, my big boy. my arms ache for you, my hand reaches out to you, to hold your sweet face. ah, my darling, my darling Tucker. 10/26/18 - oh, my darling Tucker. I miss you so very, very much. Pippin and Clara and Sheena (who is now a VERY BIG GIRL!) keep me consoled at night, and Trixibel kisses my tears away. Bryn is now the official ANTI-FUN POLICE, and barks at the cats when they get rowdy on the cat tree, but they ignore him. :D little Freddy sleeps under the blankets at night, or in Daddy's lap during the day, and growls when the kitties step on him. Bryn and I still look at your photos - one right next to my computer, and one right next to my bed - all the time. he still misses your nighttime ear washes, and still comes to me to rub them for him. Daddy says that Pippin is like you, and he is very much so. but no one has your magnificent tail, your deliberate and grave stroll through the house, your amazing fur - or the softest paws in the world, reaching out to my cheek. I love you, my very own El Tigre, and I will love and miss you forever. |
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