10/22/18: Oh Thomas,,where do I start? I'm sitting here trying to write this for you, and I'm waiting to hear you walking in behind me and jumping up in your chair--and I swear I hear you,,,,this is tearing me apart. I can't go from one room to the next without seeing you. And I'll never understand why any of this happened the way it did. I'm so sorry we couldn't win the fight against it, and I'm so proud of you for your effort,,,,and I hope you know I did whatever I could to help you. |
My baby boy,,,,you came into my life in 2003 shortly after I bought this house. I would put food outside for you, but you would not let me touch you for almost half a year. My first attempt at bringing you in sent you into a panic---you literally climbed the walls in the foyer, and bounced yourself off the other walls--I quickly let you back out. Then, over time, we made an agreement that you would come in at night and go back out first thing in the mornings. We did that for a while, then one night as I was pulling out of the garage, I saw an orange and black blur go by in my rear view mirror. I got out and saw you and a black cat rolled up in a ball, tearing each other apart. I started yelling for you guys to stop, but you both kept going and ended up in the neighbor's yard. I ran inside and put dry food in a tin can and ran back out and shook it in front of you two. The black cat ran away, and you stood there drooling and panting and I couldn't even get you to focus. You had wounds and I was so afraid of you running away without help, so I just grabbed you and brought you in the house. I put you in a bedroom and called the vet. You were freaking out, but I knew that whatever it took, you needed help. The vet came and treated you--you had several puncture wounds and were a mess. I kept you confined and treated your wounds and gave you meds (although you weren't too happy about it at first). But then by the first week, it was like you knew what I was doing, and our bond began.
Since the sunroom was full of my other babies and the pecking order established, and since you had grown used to being upstairs with me, that is where you stayed. You quickly became boss of everything, and your recovery room became 'your' room. I set up tall cat poles and window beds so you could see outside and be less anxious. You took to it very well. And then you took over my bed :) I eventually had to give you your own pillow to keep you from sleeping on my face :) You were such a lover boy--posing like a human sleeping on the pillow---you were so funny. Then came the 'elephant in the room' thing--you were not the lightest on your feet, and you started this thing of flying down the halls and it literally sounded like elephants. You were a very big boy with long, long legs. Then came my office---you would jump up on my desk while I'd be in the middle of an email, and send it before I was done. I'm sure many people thought I was losing my mind when they would receive them lol. So,,,,yes, you got your own office chair, and would sit next to me whenever I was on the computer. Just so engaged in everything I did,,,,it is killing me how much I will miss you everywhere, but especially at bedtime. So many nights when I couldn't sleep you'd get on your pillow, or curl up in my belly, and purr to put me to sleep,,,oh how I'm going to miss that baby boy.
Everything was great until about 3 yaars ago,,,,you started losing weight and muscle mass, and were diagnosed with diabetes. I was so scared of needles that I didn't know what I was going to do. I researched it all and learned I should also prick you ear for blood before giving insulin. So I figured I'd try to learn that first,,,,boy did that not go well, for either you or me. I would be in tears because I just couldn't do it and was hurting you I think. After a few attempts, I realized if I didn't learn these things, you would die. So I asked you to bear with me and I fought my fears, and learned how to do both. You did okay for a while, but then you developed neuropathy in your hind legs, and were walking on your hocks. You could no longer jump on your pole or the bed, so I put stairs and a chair there to help you, but had to take down your poles so you wouldn't hurt yourself. I would give you leg massages several times a day, and pressure point treatments. And about 6 months later, not only had you gained your weight and muscle mass back, but you were back on your toes on your hind legs! You were able to run and jump again, and were so happy. I couldn't believe the turnaround you made and was so proud of you for going through it all with me and letting me learn and help you.
Then a few months ago you had some tooth issues, and lost two teeth. During that time, you were eating less, but that was to be expected. I helped you with some syringe feeding just to make sure you were getting enough. You were such a trooper. We got through that okay and you were back to eating well. Then a few weeks ago, you started to lose weight and muscle mass again. I though 'oh, maybe the diabetes?', but I always checked your numbers twice daily and did nadirs regularly, so I started to get nervous, but you were still eating. I went ahead and gave you a b12 injection just to give you a boost. Then several days ago, you just stopped eating, and I had the vet come. She said she didn't feel any masses, but that you were jaundiced, and she said it was your liver. I was instructed to put you on certain meds, fluids, and aggressively syringe feed you. So I ordered the meds, and ran out and got the special food. For two days you were such a trooper, letting me syringe feed you without too much fight. For two days you seemed to be responding. Then yesterday, you were still jumping on the bed and walking around, but you started to look really spacey and confused. My heart started to sink.
Last night as I lay in bed after checking you, I heard you cry. You had never done this and my heart started to race. I flew up and went to you,,,,you were lying down, and your head was up, but the look in your eyes was so scary, and I knew you were in pain. I stayed with you all night,,,and in the morning you cried again and when I came up from feeding the others, you were hiding in the space behind the bed. I had to take apart the whole platform to get to you, and this time you could only walk a few steps before collapsing,,,,,I broke into tears and called the vet.
Within the hour it took for her to arrive, you were so weak that you just layed flat out on your side, which you had not been doing previously. Your breathing became labored,,,, you were suffering, and I knew the decision had to be made,,,but baby, I was not ready to make it and it was SO hard to even think about. When the vet saw you, she felt you would not make it another half day, and that you were extremely weak and tired, and she felt along with your liver, that there was most likely a cancer going on as well. When I picked you up again, you were so limp, I just knew you were done fighting, and I held you and said our prayers, and made the decision to let you go. My heart just keeps breaking,,,,I would always kiss you like crazy, and tell you I'd never be able to kiss you enough to show you how much I love you,,,,oh Thomas,,,I just can't take losing you,,,,
You will be sad, I understand,
I know that now my needs you'll tend,
Do not grieve that it must be you
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
10/29/18: Thomas, my beautiful boy,,,,today is a week since you've been gone and as you might know,,I am a mess. I can't sleep, can't look anywhere without my heart sinking because you're not all the places you used to be. Your pillow is still on the bed,,,I can't even bring myself to wash your pillowcase,,,,,I know you're probably thinking 'silly mommy,,,I'm here,,,just wash it',,,,but I just can't. I lie there touching it, holding it,,,and crying my eyes out. If you do see any of this, I'm sorry,,,,I certainly don't want you to feel badly you had to go,,,,but you were such a big part of my life,,,,you were my heart baby boy. Please let me know you're okay somehow,,,I can only have faith that you are,,,and please, please know I'd have given anything to make you well. But all I can hope is that now you truly are whole and well again, with no more fear or sickness. I love you with ALL my heart bubby,,,,,Love and Light my handsome boy,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOX
11/18/18: Oh Thomas,,,this is the first day since my last visit that I've had even the slightest strength to visit your page,,,,my whole life is upside down without you here. I so long to touch you, hold you, smell you,,,and there's nothing that makes that better. I have no one around me who really understands,,,,right now I can't even see from crying as I write this,,,,such a giant hole in my heart. I recently tried letting Sasha and Tasha come upstairs, as without you here there's no love or life up here,,,,and I felt guilty thinking you might mind,,,so I kept asking you to give me a sign it's okay, but I still am not sure. But at the very least it's helpful to them as they are calmer and are getting some more exercise (as you know, they're both a bit chubby). What makes me wonder is that I found Tasha on your pillow yesterday----it made me happy and sad all at that same time---didn't know if it was okay with you and at the same time felt you invited her there. I guess the part of death to those left behind is that we'll never know any of these answers, until we're on the other side also maybe. I guess the word faith isn't such a small word after all. I'm still doing things like going to change your water and food bowls, or clean your litter boxes,,,, but the worst is in the middle of the night when I wake up or in the morning when I look over at your pillow and you're not there, or when I'm getting ready in the morning and look over at your tall pole,,and you're not there,,,,or walk into my closet to get clothes, and you're not there. I have such love and bonds with all you guys, passed and present, but you to me were half human---you just knew things---and the way you would look me straight in the eyes and just stare,,,so much love in them,,,,it kills me I'll never see that again, only in a photo. Please help me to understand any of this,,,you know how hard my life has been the past year, and I don't understand why God took you now, right in the middle of all this. And right after losing several other babies,,,just way too much loss in too short a time,,,but then to take you, my only friend in the world right now,,,I just don't understand and have anger with it as well. They say He only gives you what you can handle, but I've been telling Him I truly cannot handle anymore, and then He takes you. I'll keep trying to come to terms with it,,,but I'll never, ever, ever, not miss you every second of every day,,,,oh baby,,I hope you still know how special you are to me, and that you are with Precious, taking care of each other and running and feeling well again. I love you with all my heart bubby,,,Love and Light my sweet baby boy,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOX
11/22/18: Oh Thomas,,,,I still just can't believe this,,,,one calendar month you've been gone and it feels like just this morning you were here next to me. I'm really having a very bad time handling or accepting any of this,,,you weren't supposed to go yet,,,,so many things are going wrong in my life, but losing you has really tipped the scales for me. I couldn't come to visit on Thanksgiving because I was just so depressed,,,no where to go, so was home alone,,,and although I'm thankful for many things, this year it was hard because of losing you and all the others in such a short period of time. I keep trying to go on because all the other guys need me, and they are doing their best to help me get through each day. Losing any of you just breaks me down, but you had just come back from a long battle and were doing great---all muscular again, all your weight back,,,you looked fantastic,,,,then I blink and you're gone,,,,it wasn't supposed to be your time yet and I'm so very angry I don't know what to do. It also hurts when I think about if you are missing me just as much and if you're sad,,,or if where you are now you are well and happy and that's the trade off,,,none of us know,,,we can only hope. I'd give anything to hold you right now,,,,please don't be sad when you see these tears,,,they are there because of all the love I have for you. I miss you SO SO much baby boy,,,hugs, kisses, Love and Light,,,XOXOXOXOXOX
12/1/18: My baby boy,,,,I can't even function still at times,,,it's so unreal that you're not here,,,,you weren't supposed to go this soon and I can't come to terms with it. I'm sad, angry, deflated, numb,,,all at the same time. I try to focus on all our good times and all the love we shared, and it helps a lot, but I feel so much like a failure I can't stand it. I can only hope you don't blame me in any way,,,I did all I could under the circumstances. I LOVE YOU SO MUCH baby boy,,,, come and touch my nose please,,, I need to feel that. May you always feel and know what a special boy you are,,,,thank you for all the smiles and laughs,,,,miss you so much baby,,,,Love and Light,,,,XOXOXOXOXOX
12/25/18: Hi baby,,,,it's Christmas and I'm missing you and all the others who have passed. As you know, except for my brief visit with my sister every Christmas, since my mother passed all I've had are you guys to cheer me up and get me through, especially you and Precious upstairs attached to my hip and helping with holiday decorating. I saw you everywhere,,,, it is so not right that you're not here. I hope you know I love you so much and always, always will. Merry Christmas Thomas,,,,Kisses, hugs,,,,Love and Light,,,XOXOXOX
1/26/19: Hi baby boy,,,,I'm sorry I didn't come out on New Years,,,I was so depressed and sad I just couldn't bear visiting everyone. I hope you heard me tell you Happy New Year and how much I love and miss you. Love and Light sweetie,,,,XOXOX
2/22/19: Hi my baby boy,,,,today I woke up with such a heaviness in my heart, and then realized today is 4 months since you've been gone. I still cannot accept or believe it,,,,it took us almost a year to get you back into health,,,gaining your weight and muscle back, getting your hind legs working again,,,,you looked and felt great! How can only a short time later you wither away and become so sick,, it's so unfair and I'm still so angry. Still when I pull in the driveway I look up to see you in the window,,,I just wish I knew why you were taken from me so soon, especially after such a recovery you made. I can only hope you know how much I miss you,,,,my heart just keeps bleeding,,,,,I love you baby boy,,,so, so much.