6/29/22: Oh my sweetheart Squiggy,,,today I had to end your suffering and let you go,,oh how my heart breaks. Even though I know it is a kindness I do when I have to make this decision, it never is an easy one, as I always hold on to that 'one last hope', that some miracle will turn around the illness. But this past week you showed me there was no more hope,,,your kidneys had completely failed,,,you could no longer eat or drink, and you couldn't even swallow when I tried to feed you by syringe. Then the past two days when you could no longer walk,,,,oh, how my heart just sank. As we sat together, you looked me in the eyes, and I knew what you were telling me, and I made the decision and called the vet to come today. No matter how many times I've made this decision for the others in the past, it never, EVER, gets any easier, even though I know it's part of life and an act of love. I hope you saw it in my eyes how hard it would be, but that I would not let you suffer with this illness another day.
As we were outside in your run-out this morning, I had visions of when all of you first came here, and saw flashes of you running around with all your buddies,,,your mom and brother, and all your cousins from the farm. I saw you all jumping and playing and it made me smile, remembering all the good times when you were all healthy. Then, after you passed, I prayed that that was exactly what you were doing once again,,,feeling well, with no pain or fear or worry.
You started your life with me on the horse farm, and got the name 'Squiggy' because you were one of the hardest for me to hand tame, and would 'squiggle' out of my hands and into the tiniest of cracks in the walls of the barn,,you were so funny. Then you 'trained' me to your little routine---when I would be in Bosco's stall, you would come in and wriggle all around my feet so I would have to stop cleaning, and sit down in the stall and rub you, but only for about 5 min,,then you would jump up, nip me, and run out. And you only did this when I was in his stall, not any of the other horses. Funny girl. And as all of you had a special trait, yours is your beautiful coat,,,out of all the kitties I"ve had in my life, I have never seen a coat of fur so perfect and beautiful,,,,so fluffy, soft, and full--and it stayed that way even through your illness. So, so pretty baby girl.
When we all came here, you shared a suite with your mom Ellie your brother Jettie, and your cousin Brinnie. Your half brothers Skylar and Slater were in the suite next to you, as they couldn't be in your suite because they would tussle with Brinnie. When you were inside, you had your favorite spot on the top shelf, and no one else was allowed there. And for 19 years you refused to use the litter boxes,,,always went outside in the dirt,,,as if you were saying 'I'm feral and will try to stay that way'. But finally last year, you gave in and started using it,,,,I was so proud of you! And in your whole life, except for when you were spayed (which you stayed mad at me for months for), no one else was ever able to get near you or touch you,,,only me. I look back now and realize how fortunate we were that you were never ill for your first 18 years, as the vet would not have been able to get near you. Even when she would come for one of the others, you would be out your cat door before she even was near the room,,,,you were so, so alert and smart. All I can say is I'm so flattered and honored that in all the humans in the world, you chose and trusted me to touch you and care for you. Thank you for all the years of love and laughs baby girl.
My Squiggy,,,'Squiggy loops', 'Squiggle butt',,,you were the toughest girl in the bunch, a true 'outdoors' girl. Even in the bad weather (except for when there was thunder and lightning), everyone else would be inside, curled up in a bed, but you would be sitting out in your run-out on the steps, watching the rain, or playing in the snow.
About two years ago you started to have symptoms of kidney disease. We managed it with diet, and except for the very occasional cystitis, you did very well. Then a few weeks ago, you started walking very stiffly in your hind legs, and the vet diagnosed you in stage four kidney failure. As you were still eating and drinking, I just managed your symptoms and pain as best I could, and you were still happy and engaged. But then, within the last week, you developed the mouth ulcers that can happen with this disease, and started to lose your ability to walk, and then stopped eating and drinking altogether. Although dialysis or other aggressive treatments may exist, at 20 years old, I was not going to put you through that.
We sat together and made our peace with it---that you just had your 20th birthday twelve days ago, and how fortunate we were to have all those years together. I know that I loved every minute, day, hour, week, month, and year that I had you, and I hope you felt the same, and were happy with the life that I provided for you. I truly feel I saw that in your eyes last night and today, and although I don't want you to feel the sadness that I feel, I hope you can still feel the love I have for you.
Oh Squiggy,,,as the tears roll down, I am trying to finish your page to honor your life. Please forgive me, but I will have to add your photos tomorrow. Your cremation service is in the afternoon, so I hopefully will be able to do it tomorrow night.
My baby girl,,,I love and miss you already, with all my heart. Hope you can feel the kisses and hugs,,,,Love and Light my baby,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven.
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
6/30/22: My sweet angel baby,,,today was your cremation service, which is always so hard for me, but I know your spirit was already in Heaven. The lady there could not believe you were 20 or that you had been sick, because you looked so beautiful. Even though we all know the spirit leaves the body, it is the body (and mind) that we made the connection with when on earth, and it is just so hard to let that part go. Oh how I miss seeing you here,,,,
I brought you home and put you in the memorial with the others, and right next to your mom and brothers and Brinnie. I put on your candle and all the candles of the others,,I miss you all so much. Love and Light,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
1/1/23: Happy New Year my sweetie,,,,I'm so sorry I couldn't visit your page for Christmas,,,,it was just so painful, as all of you are gone now and it was my first Christmas alone without any of you, and I just couldn't handle it. I did put up lights and your stockings in the sunroom and house, and hope you visited and saw them. I miss you so, so much, and always will. In my heart, forever,,,,,Love and Light my girl,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
6/29/23: My sweet, beautiful girl,,,I just cannot believe that today it has been a year without you, and I can barely write this through the tears. I hope you heard me talking to you, and hope you still feel my love and how much I miss you. You were my last baby to go and oh how much that hurts,,,but I'm trying to keep myself focused on all the years we spent together,,,20 years!,,,and how much love and laughter you gave me, and everything we shared. I love and miss you so much my Squiggy squiggle butt, and I always, always, will. Forever in my heart baby girl,,,,Love and Light my sweetie,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
12/25/23: Merry Christmas my sweet baby girl,,,Love and miss you,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX