6/17/18: Oh Skylar,,,my sweet, sweet strong boy,,,,how my heart is breaking. I had to make the decision to let you go today. After all your battles over the years, you never lost your spunk or your desire to fight and live. But this last challenge was not to be overcome. |
I hope your brother Slater and your mom Ellie met you at the bridge, and maybe grandpa too.
You started your life on the farm,,your mom Ellie's first litter. Even though many kittens have blue eyes, yours were so bright they looked like the sky---which is how I gave you your name''my 'Sky Baby'. And they stayed blue for quite a long time, then turned the most stunning shade of yellow cat eyes I had ever seen. You were always such a funny boy,,when I would come out to call everyone to dinner, I would always have to come searching for you, and usually would find you jumping up and down chasing things in the neighbor's corn field :) Then you would saunter over like the king of the world, and you really were.
You always were so lovable and friendly, even to strangers, in spite of the fact you were technically feral. At a young age, you had issues with infections and a leg injury, and were always such a trooper for your visits with the vet.
I had brought you to your new home here with the rest of the gang, and you shared your pen with Slater. Although you guys would have 'minor disagreements', it was obvious you loved each other very much. And when he passed a few years ago, it broke my heart to see how lonely you felt, crying out for him for almost two years.
One of the toughest challenges you had to face was when several of your teeth became infected. At that time in your life, you were completely freaked out about traveling, but I had no choice but to take you to the hospital to help you with your teeth. Within five minutes of the car ride, you were in bad shape--panting, clawing,,,,so stressed out. But we made the 20 minute ride and got you there. They took you in the back, and the vet came out and told me you needed several teeth extracted, but they had to put you under right away because you were too stressed. I was already scared at that point that I might not see you alive again.
But you made it, and I brought you home. Then, within several months, your right eye started to cloud over, followed by your left eye a month later. Within six months you were blind. I discussed this with the vet and they said the surgery had nothing to do with it, but we both know that is a lie. I know in my heart that somehow your optic nerves were damaged, and also that maybe being put under anesthesia in such a stressful state triggered a virus that affected your eyes. My heart broke for you, as you were so confused---up until 12 years old you could see, and now the world was completely different for you. And your brother didn't know what was going on either when you'd walk into him trying to learn how to acclimate to this new way of being.
But boy did you persevere. You fought through all of it. I had special stairs made for you so you could still go outside, and you learned how to handle them, and eventually started going back outside, lying in the sun in your pen. You just never gave up. And all through it anytime I touched you, you would purr and climb on my lap. I was so thankful you had somehow forgiven me for taking you to that hospital, but you know I couldn't have watched you in pain with your teeth--you were really suffering. But I truly never forgave myself,,,I just always prayed that you did.
Then about two years ago you developed horrible, chronic sinusitis. You would endure antibiotics, penicillin injections, etc. Such a trooper. Then came the chronic diarrhea, and me having to clean your butt which you hated immensely,,,,but you still never, ever lost your spunk, your fight, or your lovable nature. I always told myself I would do whatever you needed, as long as I felt you weren't suffering and wanted to fight.
Several weeks ago your left eye developed a pink color on the whole front of your eyeball. I discussed it with your vet and she felt it was more of a glaucoma/cataract issue and not much could be done. Then last week, when I came in to give you breakfast, your eye was a mess---it literally was bubbled up and looked like it was going to pop out of your head. You also would not eat your breakfast, dry food, or any treats, which were always your favorites. I called the vet--when she saw it she said she had never seen anything like it, and that the whole globe felt enlarged, and she felt there was a tumor either in or behind your eye. But that if the enlargement or swelling continued, your eye could actually come out---oh my God. Well, since taking you to a hospital was not an option for you, and the fact that you were 17 years old, we opted to try steroids on the eye to reduce the swelling. You fought me on this, but after the second day, you decided it was okay, and you also ate a tiny bit. So I was hopeful. But then the next two days you wouldn't eat again, and I just knew the end was coming, because regardless of anything we could do, not eating would be the end.
Last night I went in to feed you guys dinner, and you were flat on your side on the floor in an odd position. When I touched your head, you slightly lifted it, but did not do your usual 'snappy turtle' move. Then I tried wiping your eye, which you would usually swat at me when I did, and you didn't,,,,you barely lifted your paw slowly up about two inches, then put it down. I called the vet and we decided to see how you made out by morning. I lied awake til 3 am going over everything in my head---if there was no improvement by morning, would I be able to let you go? Am I prolonging your suffering? And what is the best outcome anyway? I just had to be sure that if I made the decision to let you go, that it was the right one.
But this morning was no better, and I actually saw you try to move from one spot to the other, and you were falling from side to side----I broke out in tears and ran to you. You seemed to acknowledge I was there, but something was way off---you were definitely not normal and seemed disoriented. I offered you treats in my hand--you didn't even acknowledge them. I called the vet again and she felt you might have had a small stroke, but I didn't agree because both sides were moving, although you were falling. When she came to see you, her thoughts were that maybe there was something affecting your brain---possibly a tumor, or the same tumor that was in/behind your eye. She then said that maybe the chronic sinusitis and congestion that would never fully clear regardless of drug treatment might have been indicative of nasal tumors, etc., which I guess I can't rule out. But none of that mattered---what mattered was that my boy, with all his fight and spunk, was now appearing to be suffering, and the fight was gone. I knew in my heart the right thing to do was let you go back to God and be well again---vision back, able to run, and happy once again. As many times as I've had to make this decision, it never, EVER, gets any easier. But my love for each of you knows that part of that love requires these decisions,,,so I cried a river and let you go.
The photo I posted for you on your stone is of you several months before you went for your extractions, because I wanted the world to see just how beautiful you were, and how you had the most gorgeous eyes that shined like the sun. Such a fighter,,,such a sweet, sweet boy.
I hope you felt I did the right thing and are with Slater, playing and happy. I often wonder if you guys miss me on the other side like I miss you from here, but I guess you guys always have the option of visiting :) Please come to me and let me know it's okay,,, and please know how much I love you and how thankful I am to have had you in my life for 17 years, giving me mountains of love and laughs,,,,I love you Sky baby and miss you with all my heart. Love and Light my baby boy,,,,XOX
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven.
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
9/29/18: Hi guys,,,,I came out just to say hello to all of you, as I feel you so much in the sunroom lately, and Precious--I feel you in Thomas' eyes every time he looks at me. I miss you all SO much,,,,every one of you had something so unique,,, and I remember everything we shared together and how you made me feel so lucky to be able to care for you. Please be with me now, as I'm sure you know I am fighting for the rest of us here and our home, and I need all the love and strength you can send. Always know how much you all mean to me, and how much I love and miss you every single day. Tears flow, but through them I try to smile by remembering all the good years of love and laughs and fun. All of you will forever be in my heart. Love and Light babies,,,,XOX
12/25/18: Hi baby,,,,it's Christmas and I'm missing you and all the others who have passed. As you know, except for my brief visit with my sister every Christmas, since my mother passed all I've had are you guys to cheer me up and get me through. I hope you know I still love you so much and always, always will. Merry Christmas Skylar,,,,Kisses, hugs,,,,Love and Light,,,XOXOXOX
1/26/19: Hi baby boy,,,,I'm sorry I didn't come out on New Years,,,I was so depressed and sad I just couldn't bear visiting everyone. I hope you heard me tell you Happy New Year and how much I love and miss you. Love and Light sweetie,,,,XOXOX