You are loved and will always be missed...you have left us with many memories, paw-prints on our hearts that will forever be etched in time and place. We will continue this...
Merry Christmas "Santa Boots!" Do you remember that name; how we called you that every Christmas because of your white paws with the tufts between the toes and the dark ring of color above each white paw...you looked like you had 'Santa Boots' on. So many memories, Shylocke and I still can't stay long enough to share them with you because the tears just don't stop. I still cry for you almost every day and I want you back so badly. I will leave you with this poem I found at the page of the Crematorium where you were taken. I will be back...I promise...when I can stay and talk to you without crying so much...
I stood by your bed last night; I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying...you found it hard to sleep.
I meowed to you softly as you brushed away a tear.
"It's me, I haven't left you...I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea.
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today; your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels; I wish I could do more.
I was with you as you touched my urn today; you hold it with such care.
I want to reassure you that my soul is not really in there.
I walked with you toward the house; as you fumbled for your key,
I gently put my paw on you. I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near to you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly; then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning
And say, "Goodnight, Goddess Bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we will stand...side-by-side.
I have so many things to show you; there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.
I'll be back soon, my little BooBoo2...Love you so much and miss you!
I was here, Shylocke, my sweetness...but so full of tears that all I could see to do was change your season to Summer and add some Catnip and Roses for you. I left your slipper because I know how much you like shoes. There is so much I want to tell you and talk about but I still can't. I still miss you so much. I thought I could stay today but please forgive me...I can't yet. I love you, my little PooBear!! <3 <3 <3
Hey buddy, it's been almost a year my little man, yeah, time seems to pass rather slowly these days without your sumptuous swagger underfoot. Coming home just doesn't seem the same, no bounding ball of fluff to greet me every single day at the door, rolling over to get your tummy tickled, just wanting to hang out, buds. Alas my chubbly bubbly little friend, we sure had us a time didn't we.
I would suspect by now you and Shadoe have pretty much taken over up here, try not to have too much fun eh. I wanted you to know how much you are loved (and I am sure you do) and missed, not a day goes by your memories fail to bring forth a smile to these lips or a tear to my eye. You were an amazing companion our Shypoo...simply the best.
As I sit here scratching Gazoo behind the ear, he says Hi too! I can't help but think of you, all those nights watching TV together, you cuddled right up to me on the couch, or mornings when you were all snuggled up against me which made answering the alarm a real challenge. Even hanging out on the deck sprouts forth a fuzzy buddy moment, yeah the cat of a thousand names. How could one little guy steal such a big piece of my heart. You had a good run, so sorry it could not have lasted longer, so very sorry... all the health issues and you went on, not with a whimper but you roared...or squeaked in your case...no compromises for you, a giant among fur-balls! I know I should be content we shared your time as long as we did, it just wasn't long enough. And you, who tackled everyday like it needed a conquest, what a role model.
Well, nuff sadness, you celebrated your life each and every day and we should follow suit. Thank you ever so much for all the happiness you brought into our lives, we truly do miss you ol friend. Thanks for listening; thanks for being there, I will see you a little later I am sure. Be well my friend, love ya!
I should be happy that I had just over 13 years with you, such a special fur-baby that you were, but I'm not. I wanted you to stay longer. I had to say that. You were gone before I could say "good bye" or spend those few days, or even hours, with you so that you would always know how much you meant to me, how much you were loved (still are) but I was not given that chance, nor were you. I feel robbed of that. I know that you know how much you were loved and cared about and how much you meant to me, to us, but it's not the same as having those special last moments together.
I have so much blame and guilt in me and today, on the anniversary of your crossing over to Rainbow Bridge, I need to let you know my feelings, my thoughts...it's time and I will stay through the tears, as they have already started.
That Wednesday, early evening, we should have taken you to the hospital right away. I could see that you were "uncomfortable" and could not get yourself settled down. I watched your heartbeat increase as the hours ticked by, growing more concern, but that concern went unheeded every time I asked to take you to the hospital. I only remember thinking that "he" had once said to me another time when you were having issues with "crystals" that he should have listened to me because I seemed to know when something was wrong. So why didn't "he" listen that night? It went on like this for about 8 hours as I watched you and tried to make you comfortable, even when you went downstairs and tried to hide behind the pellet stove. I guess that is when I knew that it was "now or never" and I went and got him and we took you to the hospital. Within brief minutes of arriving after an almost 30 minute drive, one of the nurses came and got us, saying that you were in full respiratory distress and wouldn't make it through this crisis.
I thought my heart dropped out of my chest as I ran to where you were. They were trying to give you oxygen, with a tube held to your nose. I cried for them to do something but the doctor said that you had already passed into unconsciousness and there was nothing that they could do. The words still echo in my brain as I fought within myself because I didn't want it to end like this...I wanted you to cross over peacefully and in my arms. I asked her to give you a shot so you could go to sleep and not be struggling for your last breath and that is what she did.
I picked up the little tuft of fur that she shaved from your front leg and I held it until we got home, where I put it in a little decorative container with a lid on it...it is still there now. It sits on my desk in the spare bedroom and sometimes, I open the lid and take the fur out and hold it, just to feel you close to me.
After you had crossed over, they let us stay in a little room for about an hour so we could be with you during this time. I held you so tightly to me and petted you and let all my love flow to you. I know you felt it. I know you were aware of it all; I knew you were going to a place where you would never have to have surgery again, where you would never have health issues and where you would be pain-free from everything that had ever caused you to be less that who you were...the soft, long-furred bundle of joy, animation, mischievous rascal, lovable, cuddly, caring and so much more. I wanted all those good things back for you and now you would have them, so it became a problem for me to accept that you were gone from my life, as problematic as it was. still is, and I had no one now to share that with, to cry into your soft fur and to hold on to you when I needed an anchor. You were everything to me Shylocke, EVERYTHING!! And I still miss you and EVERYTHING that we had in our lives together. You made waking up a pleasure, you were there in the quiet moments, you played and ran around and had fun (remember the daisies?), you laid with me in bed when I was not feeling well or my back hurt so bad and always put a paw on my hand, letting me know that you were there. You would lay by me on the sofa as I played a game or two on the laptop because you knew that you would always getting a tummy rub, too...a little dividend but it was so worth it to have you close. All these things and more went through my brain at lightning speed as I held you for the last time in that little room in the hospital...I didn't even want to share you with Michael because deep down, I was blaming him for not listening to me when I asked him to take you sooner to the hospital. I was feeling so much guilt by this time that I wanted nothing to do with Michael...I just wanted you back. That was all I was thinking and if I couldn't have that, then I wanted you to cross over to Rainbow Bridge in peace and I prayed that Shadoe would be there for you, waiting and taking you to guide you into that new realm of peace and serenity and joy.
After an hour, someone came to take you away for cremation. There were so many words, and yet, not enough words, said that it all went wrong. You were taken to the wrong place; not the same place as Shadoe had gone to, to be cremated. Something wasn't right and yet, in my state of mind, I couldn't fathom through the endless doubts in my brain that something was not right. Forgive me, Shylocke, for that lapse in time where you were alone in a place that you should never have gone to. We listened to the hospital and their rendition and went home...with empty arms that once held you and an empty heart full of memories that would one day surface to give peace and comfort and joy.
We hardly slept the rest of that morning...you passed at about 5:30 AM that Thursday morning on September 5th, 2013.
For 2 days, it was a haze, literally. Even Gazoo walked around looking for you and knowing that something was wrong. I think that Analise, in her own way, knew but she is so timid and introverted that I could not even cuddle with her to let her know that we will survive. On Saturday night, like a bolt of lightning, it hit me that you were not where you were supposed to be. Phone calls to the hospital and internet links to find and watch...and I knew then that I had to get you back and have you cremated by the right person in the right place. This was a "hell" I hope never to repeat with any of the other fur-babies. I won't be as Edward's name is close by. And this was another part of the guilt that started with me that I never figured it out at the hospital that night. In the end, as you know, and I have to tell you for my own sanity, we did talk to everyone on Sunday and on Monday night, you were brought back to the hospital and Edward, who cremated Shadoe so lovingly and compassionately, picked you up and took you to be properly cremated. We picked out a beautiful brass urn for you; it is teal blue in color with gold filigree and your name is n a name tag around the neck at the top. It suits you and it pleased us to know that you were finally "right" with where you were...your spirit would no longer be restless, save for my inability to let go, and you could be happy at Rainbow Bridge. We drove out and picked up your cremains on Tuesday and lit a candle, said some prayers for you and remembered some of the good ole days that we had you. Life was to go on...but it didn't for me. I had too much guilt within me and too much blame on Michael to transition in my grief to be able to heal. I am hoping and praying that writing this all down will help me...yes, it has become a lot about me now, learning to live without my little "Paddington Bear"... my ShyPoo, my PooBear, Chubbly-Bubbly, BooBoo2 and all those names that you garnered over the years. Pick one and each had a special memory. And each one brought me more heartache and tears so that I felt like my heart was broken in 2 and the pain of loving you was so great that sometimes, I didn't want to. I felt like every last thing that meant something to me had been taken away and I had no one and nothing, not even Michael. But I blamed him, so how could I talk to him about any of this? Up went the walls of protection. I couldn't share with him or anyone and I cried too much when I came here. Maybe I didn't want to share anything; maybe it was a grief I had to work through myself but it has been lonely; it still is and I still haven't let anyone "touch" my heart in the way that you did. Some people would say I am being strange, even silly, to "allow" a fur-baby mean so much that I feel this way but you captivated my heart and soul and you know how in tune we were to each other. Maybe this will help today...I'm trying so hard not to cry...
As with Shadoe's urn, you and he sit on either side of a green vase with yellow roses on the mantle in the living room. There is also a picture of you, Shadoe and Gazoo framed on the mantle, as well. On the other side is a picture of Michael and I. We are still Family, just divided now but never forgotten.
As I did with Shadoe just 2 days ago, I have your urn on the coffee table, a candle burning in each of the 2 "cat cuddler" candle burners plus 3 pictures of you at various times...one from when were a baby, one when you were on the lawn chair on the deck at Prestwick Close (how you loved to sit outdoors!) and one where you have your upper body on an Irish Folklore book, looking studious, if I might add. You baby picture hangs on the wall in an 8x10 frame just opposite out bedroom door so that when you walk out, you can see it right away. I have other pictures of you and Shadoe that I want to hang up, either in the living room or the eclectic room, especially the one of you in that Victorian chair, looking so poised and regal with your full name above that I made for you.
There are so many memories Shylocke that come to mind right now of you. Maybe this has helped a bit, telling you what has been in my heart and deep within my soul because I can conjure up some of these memories and I find I have a smile on my face. I know this is just the beginning of the healing process but I pray that it is, for you and for my sake. So many times, with all the "other" things that have gone wrong this past year, I have actually felt like I wanted to die, to just be gone because I am not strong any more and I cannot handle anymore strife that life keeps sending this way. When I feel like I can't, or don't want to live anymore, I Journal and put my thoughts down and it helps. Maybe, and hopefully, now that I have bared my heart and soul to you, things will start to improve. I can only hope. I think that I was so alone and felt let-down even before you crossed over that when you did, I felt even more so and just spiralled downhill even more.
For you, Shylocke, and for me, I will try harder this coming year to remember us in the good times, the love we shared, the cute things you did, your beautiful face and unconditional love, the way you walked, having your tummy rubbed, consoling me with a paw on my face or on my hand, sleeping next to me, racing around and the many times you would lay out on the cat perch and enjoy the sun that came in to warm your body, heart and soul. You were always a trooper, through it all...the moves, the challenges in your health, all the issues in Michael's and my lives, and even a comfort and source of calm and peace for Gazoo, who has always been skittish, a friend to Shadoe always and you even accepted Analise and kept the peace between her and Gazoo. You had a tough job at times when it came to those two, but you rallied and I think they felt your demeanor which helped them as well.
You were so much to all of us, just in different ways. You will never be forgotten, my special one. You will live on and on and one day we will be together again, all of us. I look forward to that but I also know that it is not our time yet, but one day...
You are "home" with us now Shylocke...all the past of how you crossed to Rainbow Bridge is over. You are happy and at peace and that is all that matters to me now. You have another Family there as well...Shadoe, Pyewacket, Wizard, Benje, Grabber and Dajinet...they will all look after you and you, them. You are all together now in a good place and I can be thankful for that.
I have much more to write to you and fill you in on other things but that is better left for another day. Today is for you and me only. I wanted to feel your closeness, your love and essence. I am feeling that. I know you are, too. I think, once again, you and I are in tune with each other, even though realms of space separate us for now.
Just know how much I still love you and miss you...I always will; there is never any doubt of that. I know that you know that as well, my precious Shylocke.
I left this for Shadoe 2 days ago and I will write here as well. I actually bought the T-shirt that says: "If Love could have saved you, you would be here today." Sometimes I wear it but mostly it is with the shirt that I wore the night that you crossed, your comb, your collar. I saved them all.
Be happy, Shylocke...I love you and miss you with all of my heart and soul!
I ONLY WANTED YOU
They say that memories are golden
Well maybe that is true.
I never wanted just the memories,
I've only wanted you.
A million times I've needed you,
A million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died.
In life I had loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a special place
That no one could ever fill.
If tears could build a stairway
And heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to Rainbow Bridge
And bring you back again.
Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same.
But as God/dess calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.
Author unknown (slightly changed by me)
I love you, Shylocke...your candle here burns brightly and fills the house with peace and love. Rest and play free...you have earned your wings, my fur-friend!
I love you Shylocke and still missing you so much that my heart is crying right now and I won't be able to stay again. I look at your pictures and that's all I can do is cry...I want you back in my life so badly. <3 <3 <3
Please also visit Shadoe Blaze.