Welcome to Shadoe Blaze's Rainbow Bridge Memorial Residency
Shadoe Blaze's Rainbow Bridge Pet Loss Memorial Residency Image
Memories of Shadoe Blaze
Shadoe...I don't know what happened; I hope you will forgive me for believing that everything was alright when it actually wasn't. I just didn't want to think about losing you and consequently, I allowed a month to finally accept that you really needed me to help you. I just loved you too much and couldn't fathom the idea of losing you. When you curled up on my lap that second last night, and looked at me and put your paw on my hand, I heard what you were telling me. I didn't like it but I knew it's what you wanted.
After Shylocke had his surgery in April 2009, and we had to change all of the food, you seemed to be doing so well. You were so playful; like you were going through a second childhood. Your coat was so soft and shiny; you were so alert to things around you. You would sit on the corner kitchen cupboard by the window and watch the Hummingbirds come and go all day and at night, you would curl up under the open window and sleep as the warm breezes blew in and the moon played images through your fur. You were so happy and content.
And then a month ago, Michael and I started to notice "changes" in you. You seemed to be sleeping more; you became more restless and couldn't seem to find a place to be comfortable in. You were up and down off your window perch and nothing seemed to satisfy you. Your habits of years became strangers to you and to us. It was sad to see you in this kind of un-ease. But we thought it would pass and you would be yourself again.
We were wrong, tho'. Within 2 weeks, you seemed more lost than ever and would stare straight ahead of you as if looking for something specific but not really knowing what. We'd call your name but you never turned your head to acknowledge us or even give an indication that you heard. It was then that we realized that you were deaf. When did that happen? You were still hearing us last week. You were still "talking" to us and getting the last "word" in.
The last week was the worst. You just didn't seem to know what you wanted to do anymore. We let you sleep, thinking you needed the rest. You would lay on the red ottoman by the window in the living room, more and more, only leaving it to eat a little bit and that's all you were doing...just eating small portions, drinking more and more water and wanting to be left alone.
At night, I would watch you sleeping on the red ottoman, watching your body as it moved with every breath you took. You had lost so much weight by now and you seemed so small laying there. I picked you up and held you and cuddled you to my chest and cried but you just put a paw to my eye and snuggled in deeper. If you weren't in my arms, you would lay on that ottoman until I went to bed and then you intuitively knew where I was going and would jump down and walk with me to the bedroom where you would jump up and lay on your little blue and white blanket and wait for me to get into bed. Once I was settled with my book, you would lay your head down and go to sleep.
You never cried that last week, you never "talked," you never played and you never complained. But I saw the tears in your eyes and the weakness in your legs and the laboured breathing. I knew you couldn't hear me anymore but I still told you how much I loved you and I finally told you that I would do the right thing for you...I would let you go with dignity to Rainbow Bridge so that you could once again be whole, be happy, be playful, suffer no more pain and best of all, you would hear when Pyewacket and Wizard came to be with you. You would be the Three Mousekateers again like you had been when you were all still together. I knew you missed them and this would make you happy. Knowing this made me happy as well and although I was so saddened and heart-broken when I had to let you go, I could finally do that, knowing that you wouldn't be alone.
I miss you Shadoe...so so very much. I love you more than words can express. I haven't stopped crying a day for you since you left. I want you to know that I will be back to write about the day you left, one week from last Thursday. It was the eve of the Harvest Moon, you know. A Full Moon just for you to help guide you to Rainbow Bridge.
Be happy, Shadoe my sweet. You and I have a bond that goes back 17 years and across more of the country than I care to think about. You have always been my best 'bud' and you'll always be the friend I needed when things got tough. You'd lay your head on my arm or lay anywhere close to me and with your beautiful golden-green eyes, you always let me know that no matter what, you were there for me. I cried so often into your soft fur but you never minded. You knew that things would get better for us, didn't you?
Sleep well, my baby...I love you!

9/8/09
My heart misses you so much today and wishes that you were still here with me. Love you, 'Doe!

9/8/09 ~ Michael's Missives
It's been a tough couple of days,
Hesitant erratic moments
Eyes trained anxiously
Old haunts revisited
Wishes dashed
Loneliness beckons as
Unexpected movements remain unfulfilled
Hope...languishes...

"Memories, pressed between the pages of my mind
Memories, sweetened thru the ages just like wine
Misty water-colored memories...Of the way we were

Quiet thought come floating down
And settle softly to the ground
Like golden autumn leaves around my feet
I touched them and they burst apart with sweet memories..."

He saw, he came, he conquered all that was his domain. The Doe...Shadoe to some, Doe man to others...or just 'the Doe.' He lives on in our hearts. A pure spirit, bred of the prairies, spreading his fortune from there to the east coast to take up life anew. He moved around a lot out here in the Maritimes and was always quick to settle into any place we stopped and make it his home. The Doe made an awesome traveling companion, scoffed at 4-lane highways, came into his own on the ole country roads.
You saw the world dude, kool as a cucumber too...nothing much phased ya! You loved and were loved back without any strings attached...'cept maybe the ones you chased around the bed and down the hall. The great escape artist...neither collar nor screened window was a match for you!
It's going to be tough watching the big game without you cuddled in, moral support in victory or in defeat...the young ones will have to learn how to protect themselves now...I'm sure the great Gazoo and Shylocke too would be quick to chime in on your virtues. You're missed...today...and every day...as long as there are days, there will be memories of you. Rest well my friend, you have earned it.

9/10/09 ~ One Week Anniversary at Rainbow Bridge
Shadoe, it's been one week since you have been gone. You are so loved and missed every second of every day. As I cry, I remember how you would curl up beside me or just place your paw next to my face to comfort me and I miss that. I miss seeing you everywhere in the house and on the deck. For such a little guy, you left a depth of silence so heavy everywhere in this huge house. I think Gazoo and Shylocke feel it as well...they have been so quiet and lethargic. Today was the first day I saw them play with a couple of toys; otherwise they have just been sleeping, only waking to eat just a little and then they're gone back to sleep; hopefully to dream of you. I won't speak for Michael but I do know he misses you a lot. Last night I was eating some Cheezies (I still can't eat much either) and I thought of you and how you liked to eat them too. I would break the softer ones up for you and you would devour them!
Yesterday we received your ashes in the deep red urn that we picked for you. We had you cremated so you'll be next to Pyewacket in the 'eclectic' room. They even put a 'necklace' around the top with your full name on it and your date of birth and the date that you passed on. It's really nice, Shadoe...I know you would love it. I opened the bottom and put your collar inside, those "loops" you used to play with and remember that furry green thing with the catnip inside? I put that black nut from Yule that you played with inside of it (so it wouldn't break the urn if it got jiggled around)and then put all that in the urn and also your silver and gold paper balls that you loved to play with. We all got a sympathy card from your other vet, Dr. Jeff. I didn't cry and I thought I was going to be okay, but last night as I looked at your urn on the mantle, I couldn't help it. So many memories and so much love and I couldn't hold you Shadoe and I felt so alone without you. So I ended up crying again...my heart just feels broken.
I hope you are happy there and you have no more pain and you're back to your playful self again...Anne sent Ming and April to be with you...have you made friends yet? So many people here have sent their babies to meet you, to comfort you and help you get settled and find your 'angel wings'...please be happy and send us a sign that you are.
I love you Shadoe...today, tomorrow and always!
I'll be back another day to talk to you...be happy, my sweet Baby!

9/10/09
It's been a difficult day for me, Shadoe. One week and I miss you more and more and want you back. I have no one to talk to who answers me back. I have no one I can cuddle to me ~ Shylocke and Gazoo were never cuddlers like you. My heart feels turned inside-out even tho' I know that you have left paw prints there for the rest of my life. I just thought that knowing you were in a good place would make everything alright here but it's not working that way. I cry so much and so often for you, Shadoe! I'm going to say "Good Night" and shut down the pc because I don't think I can stay here any longer without crying again. Be well, my sweetness! I love you!

9/11/09
Shadoe, remember how we used to always listen to Native American music and the Pan Flutes? I picked "American Native Song" to play for you here so you would feel close to me as I feel close to you when I play mine on the stereo every day. I think of you and miss you and wish you were listening to it with me. I thought I was doing better today but I'm not. Missing you is all I do. I lost another 5 pounds and I still don't sleep well. Each day I pray it gets better so I can remember "us" without crying so much. It's time to say "nite" again but talk to you again soon. Sleep tight. Nuzzles and hugs. I love you!

9/15/09
It's been almost 4 days Shadoe, since last I was here and I miss you even more as the days go by. I want you back. I'm still crying a lot every day for you and wishing we had had some more time. No one said this was going to be easy but does it have to be so hard? I have pictures all over the house of you and I still leave your nightlight on by the kitchen window where you'd lay on the counter; hoping that I will see you there sometime when I can't sleep some nights. I don't know that anyone here understands how I feel and what's going on with me. I hope that you've been reunited with all your old friends and have made some new ones. Are you happy and pain-free Shadoe? Can you hear all the birds and crickets and the whispers on the breeze? I hope so. I would give anything to have you back. Be happy, my sweet Shadoe. I love you! {{{hugs}}} & xxx's.

9/26/09
Hi Shadoe...I hope you're having a good time at Rainbow Bridge. I'm hoping that you are anyway. I know that I haven't posted in a while to let you know how things are. I have come here every day to see you. It just hurts so much that I can't take you back with me. That's how much I love and miss you. Last Saturday, when I was in the kitchen getting my coffee, I heard you "talk" to me from your favourite place on the countertop by the window. It felt so good to finally hear you! I cried all the way back to the bedroom...tears of joy and tears of sorrow. My heart is still mending but when I feel you near and hear you, it helps to know you're with me and you're alright. I think of you every day, Shadoe. I still cry every day even tho' I know you're pain-free now and in a place of peace and happiness. Be happy, my 'Doe. I love you.

10/01/09
Today is one month since you left us to go to Rainbow Bridge, Shadoe. You have no idea how much I miss and love you! I so missed you tonight that I cried on and off for hours, wishing I could hold you one more time, kiss your furry little head all over and "talk" to you. But you weren't there and I couldn't hold back the tears. I know you're happy to be pain-free and so happy and at peace at Rainbow Bridge and I feel so selfish always wanting you back with me but I can't help it. I saw a kitten at one of the pet stores who looked just like you and he was born July 1st this year...your birthday is July 4th...and I so wanted to adopt him but I'm not ready to do that Shadoe. I never could replace you, nor would I even try to and I think that little kitty, had I taken him, would have had too much to live up to at this time. In fact, 'Doe-y, I don't think I will ever adopt again. You have taken my heart and my soul with you. I keep you in my heart as well as in my soul.

I Carry Your Heart With Me

I carry your heart with me (I carry your heart with me, I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my sweet Shadoe; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my little one) I fear No fate (for you are my fate, my sweet Shadoe) I want No world (for beautiful Shadoe, you are my world, my true friend).
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows, here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud, and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide; And this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart...I carry your heart, I carry it in my heart.
I carry your heart with me...
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart) I am never without it (anywhere I go you go, my sweet Shadoe; and whatever is done by only me is your doing, my little one) I fear no fate (for you are my fate, my sweet Shadoe) I want no world (for beautiful Shadoe, you are my world, my true friend) and it's you that is whatever a moon has always meant, and whatever a sun will always sing is you.
Here is the deepest secret nobody knows; here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life; which grows higher than the soul can hope or the mind can hide; and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart...
I carry your heart with me (I carry it in my heart)

10/29/09
Well, my little 'Doey...today is 2 months since you've been at Rainbow Bridge. I hope that you have made a lot of friends and have seen Pyewacket, Wizard and Benji. I know that you're doing well and not in pain like you were. We heard you playing with the tennis ball but didn't realize that it was you until we saw that Shylocke and Gazoo were both asleep in the living room while Michael and I were watching TV...you woke them both up. LOL I hope you keep coming back and "talking" to me, now and then, and playing with your toys here. I still leave the nightlight on for you at your favourite corner of the counter by the window. Michael and I had our 10th anniversary yesterday but it was a quiet day. I'm having problems with the discs in my back again so I'm trying a few new treatments like Osteopathy and Acupuncture as well as Physio. There are times when I have so much pain that I wish I had you to curl up with like before. I miss you so much Shadoe. I still cry for you every day. I love you Shadoe; I want to be with you. Can you visit more often maybe? Samhain is on Saturday, the 31st...maybe we can cross over and be together for a while then. I'll set out an extra dish for you and a candle so you won't have to walk in the dark. I would love to hold you and touch you and cuddle you again...see your bright eyes looking up and that little 'dot' on your nose moving as you smile. That's how I could always tell you were mine...it was that dot! Be happy, my precious Shadoe and I'll be back soon. Love you, 'Doey! Hugs & xxx's a-bunch.

12/24-25-26/09
Happy Yule, Shadoe and Yuletide Blessings this year and for next year! Did you have a nice Yule at Rainbow Bridge...a first for you there! I hope that Pyewacket, Wizard, Benji and all of your other friends helped make it "special" for you. I wish so much that I could have celebrated with you...I had promised you one more Yule with us but sadly, you became too ill for that to happen. Our Yule was very quiet...just Michael and I, Gazoo and Shylocke, too. I thought so much of you over the holidays that sometimes it was very difficult to smile and enjoy them at all. I think of you all the time, at different times of the day and I still cry so much because you're away from me. I'm not sure that anyone here understands what the depth of losing you is to me. I just know that it hurts so much that I actually get a pain in my heart and the tears don't stop easily. I love you so much, my little 'Doe!! I just want you to be happy, pain-free and loving what you have now. I may not be here to write as often...it doesn't mean that I have forgotten you...I won't and you surely know that. It's just that it is very difficult for me to be here and not cry and want you back. I want you to know that I'm trying very hard to let the memories sing to my heart so that one day, I can smile again and you'll know that we have finally come to that place in our hearts where we can be free to love and cry and care without the pain. I'm trying to get there Shadoe; I really am. So have a wonderful Winter playing in the snow...I left you a blanket and a cozy place to lay outside. I'll leave your Yule tree up for a while yet. I hope you liked your gift of catnip and treats that I left for you. Love you so much, 'Doey! xxx's & ooo's

01/09/10
I hope you had a very Happy New Year with Wizard, Pyewacket, Benji and all your new friends at Rainbow Bridge. We had a very quiet one here. I thought that I could make it a day and not cry but New Years just wasn't the same with you being gone. Hey 'Doey, you know how much I miss you...come see me some night when I can't sleep, okay? I love you so much and I miss your cuddles more than ever. Love, hugs and kisses!!

04/28/10
I just wanted to say how much I love you, that I still miss you so much and hardly a day goes by that I don't cry for you. I miss the softness of your fur, the cuddles and the talking That you did to us. I know I don't come and see you often enough but it's still so hard for me. I look at your picture and cry. I feel so sad without you. You were, and always will be, my best lil bud. Love you so much my 'Doey...hugs and kisses and tickles under your chin and around your ears. xxx's & ooo's

06/21/10
Happy Summer Solstice, Shadoe, my 'Doey! I hope your day was warm with lots of sunshine and friends to play with. How are you doing? Have you made a lot of new friends as they have come over The Bridge? You are a social cat so I'm sure you helped them adjust and make new friends too...just like when you crossed over last September. I knew it was going to difficult coming to see you tonight but I wanted you to know that you are never forgotten and always in my heart. The crying hasn't stopped yet (tho' I try) and I still miss you so much every day. I haven't had a very good Winter and had to spend a lot of time in bed...I sure would have loved having you for company and someone to cuddle with. I hate to say it but after you, there was nothing. I just felt a void and still do. Nothing or no one will ever be able to fill that. I love you so much Shadoe, but I have to go now because I can't see to type well. Have a great Summer and I'll be back in July when it's your birthday. I wouldn't miss that, y'know. Have fun, come visit me sometime...I haven't heard from you in a while. I miss you, 'Doe. I love you...hugs and kisses. xxx's & ooo's

07/04/10
Happy Birthday, my dear sweet Shadoe! I love you with all my heart and will forever! I waited til the end of Saskatchewan time to write to you even tho' it's 3 hours later here. I have been thinking of you all week, and yes, crying for you too. Your birthday was an especially difficult day for me...you were in my thoughts in everything I did. I hope your birthday at Rainbow Bridge was a really happy one with all your siblings and friends, old and new. I brought you a birthday cake; it doesn't have chocolate so you can lick the icing and have as much as you want but not too much so you don't get a tummy ache. You'll also notice the fresh Catnip that you always enjoyed so much. Remember rolling around in it when you were still at the farm? And then you'd be so hyper for a while and then crash, not to be heard from for hours!
I still remember when I first saw you 18 years ago today. Vanessa had phoned and said that your Mamma had her kittens and I was to come and pick one. I went right away and all 4 of you looked so cute but it was that little "dot" on the end of your nose that caught my attention and I loved you from that moment on. Your eyes were still closed and you had the sweetest little "mewl"...your ears were back against your head but so soft. Your whiskers were long even then and so soft when I kissed you on the tip of your nose and felt their softness as I brushed them with my cheek. Even then, Shadoe, I knew we had something "special"...an everlasting bond that I had never had with any kitten/cat before and never have since. You were a little heartbreaker then and even now, you still are, but in a different and "new" way for me. I just get a pain in my heart yet when I think of you and you're not here.
Michael set up the lounger on the deck this weekend; the one that you liked to lay on, with or without me there, while enjoying the shade under the umbrella. I knew I couldn't sit on it today and not cry so I stayed inside. Oh Shadoe, my "Doe-y" I still hurt so much from missing you and wishing that you were here with me. I cry still so much and so easily, even now as I type this. I knew it would be like this tonight...I was holding it all in until now.
I have to tell you a little something...you remember how you were always so protective of the deck area and would do your famous "growl" whenever something came around. Well, now Shylocke does that. He never used to, as you know, but with you gone, I think he senses that it is his "job" now to keep us all safe. I know he misses you too Shadoe...he has started to "talk" a little, mostly like you used to do, when he wants to go outside. The first few times that Gazoo went out on the deck this Spring, he would walk around and around, like he was looking for you. When he couldn't find you, he would come in. He still only goes outside for little bits of time...it's like he can't find you so he comes back in the house.
Well, my little sweetheart...I have to go and try and get some sleep. I want you to know that we all remembered you in our own ways for your birthday and we wished that you were still here with us. I wish so much that I could hold you again, cuddle you to me and ruffle my face in your soft fur. I still see your eyes and the little "dot" on your nose and I'm sending kisses to you, wisping on the air to your nose and all over your sweet little face and many hugs and cuddles to you Shadoe, too. Just know that you are still missed a lot and thought of every day. We ALL love you, but no one as much as I. We have that everlasting love and bond...remember that always, my Shadoe. Love you!! Til next time...lots of hugs and kisses!! Nite...

01/17/11
Hi Shadoe...it's Winter and I am sorry for not coming sooner to see you and talk to you. I made some changes for you and just wanted to say that I love you and I still miss you so very much. I don't think I will ever stop feeling the emotions that I do. It's been over 1 & 1/2 years and I still feel like I am holding you in my arms as you drift off to Rainbow Bridge. I still cry so much for you and no one can understand this or how I can still feel the pain so sharply that it's like my heart is breaking. But it does and my heart is still broken without you. So many nights when I am sitting up alone, I wish for you to come and lay beside me or curl up in my arms and just be near so I could talk to you and feel your warm body press against me as the purrs begin to soothe us both. I don't have that with the other 2 cats...they aren't you. This year has been an especially bad year for me personally and it's not looking better for this year. I have thought about leaving as well so it doesn't hurt anymore. I just wanted you to be the first to know...we can meet at Rainbow Bridge and be together again and never will our hearts be broken and in so much pain again. I love you, my sweet little "Doe" and soon we will be together. {{{Hugs}}}

07/04/11
"HAPPY BIRTHDAY SHADOE!!!"
How are you?? I hope that you are happy and that you have lots of playmates and angels around you every day. I still miss you so much and as I write this, the tears start falling...I still want us to be together the way we were. That's why I just hope and pray that you're in a good place and that pain is gone for you and you're back to being the way you used to be. Oh how I loved you when you would play and curl up with me no matter where I was. How I still love you tho' I miss the cuddles and having you curl up on my lap or beside me. Shylocke and Gazoo don't do that but I have to tell you...I have let them go from life. Michael looks after them now. I only see them once in a while. If I can't have you I don't want any one else. It's selfish I know but your loss was almost more than I could stand and I could never find solace with either of them...I still can't and don't want it any more. When my time comes, I'll have your ashes in your urn and we'll meet at Rainbow Bridge and both us will be pain free and happy again. I have much more pain now...I am in bed most of the time. For every hour of light housework I do, I am in bed for 2 days because of my back pain. The Fibro tonight is bad and my legs are aching so much. You would like this now because you could curl up beside me every day in bed. I'm not happy any more and most mornings when I wake up, I am surprised and then I wish I hadn't woke up, that I had just drifted off. It's nothing specific that is making me unhappy...it's mostly everything. The quality of my life has waned more than you can imagine in these past 2 years...maybe since you crossed over. More times than not, I want to go home but I know I can't...there's nothing there for me now anyway. I think the sooner life ends here, the better for me and for Michael. But you'll know when that happens. Until then, I will try and come back more often and write...I come here and look at you often and cry but can never stay long enough to say something to you because of the tears. I wish you the best day today, Shadoe...you would have been 19 years old! One day soon, we'll celebrate birthdays again, just you and me. You'll see.
I love you, my little 'Doe'....always and forever. Never forget that. Hugs and kisses to you today, tomorrow and always!!

04/02/13
"I still love you, Shadoe and miss you so much! I so wish you were still here with me."

12/25/13

Merry Christmas Shadoe!! I hope that you and Shylocke are having fun chasing birds and butterflies when the weather is nice and when there is snow, there are snowflakes kissing your noses and a fun times as you chase them and frolic together and have fun. I just visited Shylocke but I couldn't stay long...like I was with you, until you healed my heart and soul, it hurts too much yet. I left him with a poem and I want to leave the same poem for you because I "feel" you with me, I see you and I know that you are always never far from me now. This poem will help me heal and maybe you can help me heal and let the good memories fill my heart and help me let go of the guilt I feel about Shylocke crossing over. I am just so happy that he has you there with him...and Pyewacket and Wizard. He is not alone and I know you will look out for him. You two were good buddies and you always looked out for Shylocke. I have some stories to tell you about what he learned from you but that will be another day. I have to go now, my sweet Lil Doe, but remember that I love you and I miss you even still after 4 years...you will never be far from my heart...always know that. I love you and miss you so much!

I stood by your bed last night; I came to have a peep.
I could see that you were crying...you found it hard to sleep.
I meowed to you softly as you brushed away a tear.
"It's me, I haven't left you...I'm well, I'm fine, I'm here."
I was close to you at breakfast, I watched you pour the tea.
You were thinking of the many times your hands reached down to me.
I was with you at the shops today; your arms were getting sore.
I longed to take your parcels; I wish I could do more.
I was with you as you touched my urn today; you hold it with such care.
I want to reassure you that my soul is not really in there.
I walked with you toward the house; as you fumbled for your key,
I gently put my paw on you. I smiled and said, "It's me."
You looked so very tired, and sank into a chair.
I tried so hard to let you know that I was standing there.
It's possible for me to be so near to you every day.
To say to you with certainty, "I never went away."
You sat there very quietly; then smiled, I think you knew...
In the stillness of that evening, I was very close to you.
The day is over...I smile and watch you yawning
And say, "Goodnight, Goddess Bless, I'll see you in the morning."
And when the time is right for you to cross the brief divide,
I'll rush across to greet you and we will stand...side-by-side.
I have so many things to show you; there is so much for you to see.
Be patient, live your journey out...then come home to be with me.

~Author Unknown

09/03/14
I thought of you again today...you have been gone from me now for 5 years. I would like to say that they have gone quickly, and they have, but the ache in my heart hasn't. I still so feel like a part of me is missing and you took that with you. (both you and then Shylocke last year)
I have your urn on the coffee table with your picture in front of it...the one where you are sitting amongst the flowers on the deck at Prestwick Close. You look so handsome in that one and it's the one that I have as an 8"x10" in a frame. On either side of your urn and picture, a white candle burns in then glass cat "cuddlers." I awoke at 1:00 PM and I will keep the candles burning for you, and us, until midnight.
I still miss you so much, Shadoe...you and I have/had gone through so much together and it's like I have lost my best friend. There is no one now that I can cuddle with, cry with, talk to and share a good lap with. You were always there for me...just a call, a look away...and you would come running. That was just your way. You always wanted to be close to me as much as I wanted to be close to you. "Purr Therapy" was great for both us, wasn't it?? *smile* I miss that, too.
Y'know, one of the things I mention to anyone who talks to me about you and asks a question or two is that you were not only a "familiar" of mine but you were also my strength and courage. Without that, I don't think I would be where I am today. I know I am failing miserably NOW but 16 years ago, when we made that 4500 mile move and then 12 more after that for a total of 13, it always seemed to be your demeanor, your faith and trust that things would be alright, your love...you always knew that we would be alright. Thank you for that, Shadoe...Thank You so very much. I only wish I had that still because things have really changed and life has taken another turn, and many things that are not for the best.
I find myself wondering if I can conjure up that strength and courage again to take that step forward, without my best friend and "buddy." I cannot...not yet, anyway. It would mean so much change and you know how averse I am to change, even the smallest...and that is where I always felt safe and good because you were there with me to accept change and to take those first steps, no matter how tentatively, and learn to live within the grace of what I was given. Thank you again, Shadoe...I could not have done that without you.
When I say "change" now...it entails so much and since this is a public place, I won't get into details, but I know I don't have to. I feel you with me every day and I know that what I am feeling and thinking and doing are not going un-noticed by you. You feel every breath I take, you see every tear I cry, you know my every thought. I seek answers; I pray for courage and strength; I ask the God and Goddess to help me heal, emotionally and physically and spiritually, so that I might be able to move forward and accept what I can't right now. I am powerless alone and yes, I feel alone...truly I do. I need to come here to you more often and I will. You bring me peace, solace and love and light where I can't/don't find it in any other place. Thank you, Shadoe. I love you for what you have given me unconditionally...I only hope and pray that I was kind enough, caring and compassionate and worthy of the love you gave back, always love with no strings attached; just pure love. The angels at Rainbow Bridge have the purest of hearts and souls and you are no exception, my baby! I love you.
It took me 3 years to the day of your birthday on July 4th/2012 before Michael and I adopted another little cat from a Pet Store. I avoided Pet Stores ain all that time. Something that day "pulled" me into the store and there was this cat...they say she was 2 years old but really, she wasn't. I'm not sure that she was more than a year old. She was just a kitten when she had kittens and was abandoned by her former care-givers. She was only 6 pounds, looked like a short-haired cat like you but darker fur. She had a dark ring of fur under her chin so that when she looked up, she always looked like she was smiling. I feel in love with her, Shadoe. And because it was your birthday, it felt like you had made this happen for me. Maybe it was "your" way of helping me go forward so we adopted her.
Her name is "Analise" and she grew and filled out and her coat became long with a ruff around her neck and bloomers and the bushiest 6" wide tail that I have ever seen. Did I mention that she is also a "polydactyl?" (an extra toe on all her paws) She is a beautiful cat, Shadoe, and much darker in color now than she was. You can't even see the tiger-stripes now as she is mostly black all over with a sandy/brown tummy. She has beautiful whiskers and fur that grows in tufts between her toes. She started to look like Shylocke in a lot of ways. However, they wanted us to introduce her slowly to Shylocke and Gazoo so she spent a lot of her first week on the lower level in "her own room." That was a mistake...she should have just been allowed to be where she wanted to be and everyone would get used to each other; like we always introduced you fur-babies. I think that because of this, she is slightly anti-social now, although she is better and lets us pet her and likes tummy rubs, but it all has to be on her terms. She still spends time down in the Dakini Room; the dark sofa is her favourite sleeping place. She is very timid yet and doesn't even like to be held for long periods of time...it's like she doesn't know what to do with the love that we show her; like she has never experienced that before. So we have been slowly, over the past 2 years, been making progress; baby steps again...until the next change...this one hurt so much Shadoe that I still am grieving and get very upset so often that it scares me sometimes.
Last September 5th/2014, at about 5:30 AM, Shylocke crossed over to Rainbow Bridge...I know you know that and that you and Pyewacket, Wizard, Benje, Grabber and Dajinet were all there to greet and welcome him "home" as he made the transition. Thank you again for your love and understanding. I know that you would have made it easier for him, our beautiful other Norwegian Forest fur-baby who didn't have the luxury of leaving this world for yours in a calm and peaceful way, like you did. He went into "respiratory distress" and by the time we arrived at the hospital, he was only minutes away from unconsciousness and I asked them to let him go the rest of the way in peace so they did. Michael and I stayed with him, me holding him, for an hour, trying to come to terms with what had all transpired and to this day, we have no answers. Our Shylocke was gone. We went through a horrible episode having him cremated by the right person but managed to fulfill that last act of kindness for him, the way we wanted to and the way that he deserved. I have so much guilt about his passing and crossing over and so much blame set on Michael and I know that is not good nor is it right or even healthy. I need to get through the grief, accept what has happened and cherish the paw-prints left on my heart by Shylocke, in the same way that I do with you. I can smile when I think of you now and all the love and the antics and the life we shared...I haven't been able to, or maybe "allowed" myself to do that with Shylocke yet and I need to so that we both may heal. Please watch over him, Shadoe...he was only 13 years old and I still thought we had years left together. Now it is your turn to help him and in turn, that will help me. I know that if anyone can do that, you my wonderful fur-baby, can and will. I love you!
In February 2014, we adopted a "rescue cat" named Joliette (Jolie, for short). She was not, and is not, a "replacement" for you and Shylocke. It was to help her and I was hoping it would help me. She is turning into a beautiful cat as well. She has long, caramel-colored fur, a little lighter than Gazoo's. She also has a ruff, a long furry tail and bloomers. She was found in the freezing cold in January, starving and just skin and bones. She was barely over a pound. When we adopted her a month later, she was up to 3 pounds and actually very active for her size. Again, they said she was about 2 years old but after having taken her to Dr. Jeff at Sunnyview Vet, he said that she was about a year old now; hence the "kittenish" stage and all that she gets into. LOL She is a hand-full. She is now about 7 pounds, still filling out; her coat is losing that "oily" look and becoming smooth and soft; and she plays and runs and jumps all over...she is a very inquisitive cat. The best thing is...after both you and Shylocke crossed over to Rainbow Bridge, Gazoo had lost a lot of his zest for life and become lethargic and looked very lost. This became more pronounced after Shylocke's death. He lost weight and yes, he is 15 years old this year and has arthritis in his legs and paws, but his eyes "talk" to me and he was so unhappy. Joile, and we introduced her as we always did before by just "adding" her to the family, became his reason to live again. Oh yes, he still sleeps a lot...he needs that at his age. But Jolie and Gazoo will "rip up" the halls and stairs and chase each other around and play like kittens. In fact, some days, when Gazoo gets going, I have to wonder how he keeps up with Jolie. His eyes light up when they play and it melts my heart to see this. He lost you, who he always followed around...remember that? And he lost Shylocke, his younger sib, the one who brought stability and calm to him and until Jolie, he was lost. Now he seems to be better but he still does have his days where he walks around, looking for you and Shylocke, I believe, and some days, he cries, But I always watch his eyes because they will tell me when he is ready to be with you and Shylocke and the others. I know that you will all be there to help him cross over and make him comfortable. I love you!
The rest, as they say Shadoe, will come. I am trying very hard to be who I was and accept the changes in my life as they are now and as they keep occurring. I am not as young as I once was to be able to just relish the moment...I tend to take my time; take it slower and probably over-analyze a lot too much. There are days when I don't want to be here any more but every day is a new day and I believe that the God and Goddess will provide for that. I place my faith and trust in them.
I wanted to come here today, on the anniversary of your crossing to Rainbow Bridge to let you know that how much I still love you, how often that you are thought of and to let you know that this last year has been kinder to me in accepting that you are happy, at peace and enjoying a spiritual life at Rainbow Bridge, waiting for the day when I may join you. As I keep you and all of our memories in my heart, I know that you do as well.
Blessed be, my darling Shadoe...just know how very much I love you and always will...

I ONLY WANTED YOU

They say that memories are golden
Well maybe that is true.
I never wanted just the memories,
I've only wanted you.

A million times I've needed you,
A million times I've cried.
If love alone could have saved you
You never would have died.

In life I had loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a special place
That no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
And heartache make a lane,
I'd walk the path to Rainbow Bridge
And bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,
And nothing seems the same.
But as God/dess calls us one by one,
The chain will link again.

Author unknown (slightly changed by me)

I love you, Shadoe...your candle here burns brightly and fills the house with peace and love. Rest and play free...you have earned your wings, my fur-friend!

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