This house is just so empty without you here. I'm doing my best baby. I am so very proud of you and how you managed to deal with everything that was presented to you. You were a true inspiration to me even in the end. Your dignity and love for me showed through. I could not have asked for anything more than what you've given me through the years. I will try to live up to your expectations, and honor your memory always. Just know you are always in my heart and soul.
7/20/06: My purest little angel,
I've decided to share a little more of our romance, and I hope that is OK with you. I know how intensely private you are. So many memories my angel that I could not get my mind and emotions around them.
The puppy days -- How ecstatic I was when I got the call that your doggie mom had a date with a Shepard dog and she was expecting, would I like one of her pups? Are you kidding me!? Your doggie grandma and your doggie mom were my girls until divorce separated us. I thought it best to keep them together and allow them to stay in the only home they'd known... Such a blessing to be able to raise another member of the family. Although you quickly just became "Sebastian", not "Sebastian, son of Kayla, grandson of Sheba".
You came home at only 6 weeks. Too young, but there you were, lost and your young life turned upside down... "who are you?" you seemed to ask. --I couldn't tell you then, how terrified I was too. I remember looking at you when I got you in the house and put you down. You were so small - what was I thinking, and what was I going to do, what if I couldn't do it, what if I failed you?
You challenged me every step of your young days! You had a streak in you that just demanded that you be alpha and that was that. But you were so VERY smart and had most all your commands straight by about 12 weeks. Of course the cookies during your training didn't hurt!! That never went away in all your 12 years - anything for a cookie!
You locked yourself in the bathroom and chewed your way through the inner 1/2 of the hollow door before giving up... Of course, that wasn't your fault, I should've known to keep the bathroom doors closed. Because I didn't learn that lesson right away, you decided the toilet paper was next! How many times did I come home to find your own decorating ideas using toilet paper all over the house!?
You loved our camping trips, and always made it your business to make sure that the entire place was safe. We had to check out everything within what seemed like a 5 mile radius where ever we were just to make sure it was OK. Then, at night, when you were tired from guarding and protecting me, you'd wait in the door to the tent or camper and pop your head in/out crying, coming over to me, nudging me, and going back to the tent until I obeyed your wishes. "It's time for bed now mom, I had a hard day and you need to come in so I can make sure you're safe, and we can both get some sleep".
Most of all though, you were the greatest teacher of my life! You taught me more about life, love, and most of all spirituality than any human teacher ever could. You were my soul dog, my defining dog. I have finally let go of the guilt of not being the best mom to you in your younger days. I am sorry I was too busy going about my life, and being consumed with what ever was going on to see what you were to me. I'm sorry I didn't see it in your eyes right away... I didn't see the love, the "I'm here, and I love you" look. I didn't see the "I'll just be right here by your feet until you feel better" while I was sick, the "I know you're busy, no worries", or the "Don't worry mom, we've made it this far together, we'll get by no matter what comes our way -- just you and me". I didn't see how many times you offered up your beautiful fur coat as a towel for me to cry into when I needed it. It took me much longer to see it than you, and it was crushing when I did.
Thank you GOD I did. I still had lots of years with you! You were the center of my universe. YOU were always there, never asked for anything but were so grateful for everything. YOU loved me unconditionally. YOU showed ME how to live. You showed me to trust some, but not all. You showed me to tune into my gut, and go with it. You showed me to deal with what was put in front of me, and just do it, if you can't change it! You taught me patience. You taught me forgiveness through your knee operations. You were in such pain, and were mad at me at first, but then forgave, overcame, and adapted until you were well enough to run again! Then how demanding you were for your walks. "You put me through all of this mom, now we're a' walkin' every day. I just want to make sure you get your money's worth. Oh, and thanks for fixing my broken knees, they feel great!" Mostly you taught me to love, unconditionally, and unabashedly!
I made a vow to you to do the best I could by you, and I did. I could never repay you for your lessons. I am changed forever because of you. Remember how friends and family would laugh when I told them I wanted to pass legislation to make it legal to marry my dog!? I was only ¼ kidding! I do not believe as long as I live, I will ever know the love from, or even for another human like the love I knew with you. I don't think humans are capable of that kind of purity.
I miss you each and every day. The pain is just below the skin surface, but I am more whole today than 3 months ago. I miss your soft fur, your silly "dance" that you did when you got your favorite - BUTT RUBS! Thanks for all the smiles, the laughter, the hugs, your warmth on cold winter days. Thanks for being my best friend and confidant, my protector. I long to feel you, and in my mind, if I go to "that place" I can... It's just different.
At any rate Sebastian. I know you are healthy and happy and watching me. I feel your presence in my life. You will always be an inspiration to me, and others, whether they realize it is you through me or not. They don't have to, you and I know (wink, wink). Thank you so very much for being my baby, my sweetheart, my boo, peanut, bunny, my sunshine, my life. Thank you for teaching me riches are not found in material things, but in the depth of love between 2 souls.
Always in my heart and soul, Mom
1/20/07: Dearest Sebastian,
Life, as measured in earthly time goes on. I can't believe 9 months have passed. My heart still feels the same - longing for you. So much has happened in these last 9 months and I know you have been there through it all. I feel you with me, I know you are always there. It's just not the same.
I'm learning so much and with that comes pain. The pain of "If I only knew then..." I have so much I'm sorry for, and so much remorse. I'm sorry for not tuning into my gut more, not pushing back more, for trusting that someone else knew you better than me, your mom. I know you are aware of all of it, and you feel there is nothing to be forgiven but I can't help but ask for it anyway.
One thing that I am grateful for is that you never ever knew even one single day of human unkindness. You were loved, oh so loved... every day of your life. I know you know that too, and it helps to keep that in mind when the bad days come.
It's harder to remember, as time advances, the pain and suffering you endured for me. It is bitter/sweet, I don't want to remember you suffering. I know you are in a most beautiful place and are surrounded by so many wonderful, loving souls. But, at the same time, it makes me long to have you back, the healthy, charismatic you.
Thank you for all the songs babe. I feel you so close as the tears fall listening to your messages. I pray that one day you will feel that I am strong enough for you to visit. I know you will know best when that time is... and I trust your timing. Until then, you are always in my heart, tucked away safe and sound. Amazing how a guy your size can fit in such a small space! You are always welcome there, and you bring me comfort knowing you're there forever.
Keep your watchful eye on us Sebastian. Continue to help me do the best I can for Nike. I know you guided her to me, I know there are not mistakes, and you knew "I" was the one to help this little wonder. Bless you... She is a wonderful girl, and so different from you. I'm sure that was no accident either! There will always be only "1" wonderful, sweet, protective, magnificent you.
With all my heart and soul, sweet man! Love you, ~Mom
12/24/07 Well here it is baby boy, another Christmas Eve and you are with the angels and I am here missing you still. Thank you for all the visits lately. I've bought 2 new ornaments and placed them on the tree just in your honor.
4/20/08- Dearest sweet son. I barely know where to begin. Two years, and yet a lifetime all in one day. I miss you so very much. I miss your comforting ways, your protective presence, the way you could get me to do anything you wished, and making me happy to do it. I miss giving you the almighty butt rubs you loved so much!
There are days lately that I feel the entire weight of the world is on my shoulders. Some times I'm conviced it is. I think of you and your determination and strength through adversity and I push forward.
I love you more more and more each day. You have never, will never, be forgotten my man. Not a day goes by when I don't think of you. I will be with you one day baby and hold you with all the weightlessness of heaven. But it's not my time now baby, and there is much I'm still to do. Until that day, I'll carry you in my heart. Never stop teaching and guiding me baby. I love you now and forever!
I want to sit at you feet
Sweet kisses (even if you don't return them - wasn't your style :o) ), and LOADS of butt rubs! ~Mom
4/20/09 Three years - how can that be? Mom is filled with love and gratitude for you this morning. You remain securely in my soul. I'm finding it difficult to say that "I miss you" when I feel you all around me so often. I only wish I could bury my face in your fur, hold your precious face in front of me and tell you again and again how much you are loved. Continue to help guide me and take the best possible care of Nike and Brando. My greatest gift from Heaven, my soul dog, my teacher, my protector... my reason... yesterday, today, and always sweet man. I LOVE YOU!!! ~Mom
4/20/12 Hi big muffin! 6 years today sweet man... Doesn't seem possible. Just want to stop in and give you special butt rubs and hugs. LOVE YOU!!!!
4/20/13 Seven years today big man. Love you as much today as ever. Watch over us and know you are never away from my heart!! XOXOXO
4/20/16 Ten years my Big Man!! Time does not heal all wounds, but we find a way to be OK with the scars. I know you welcomed your brother you never met last year. Please give him my love, tell him just how much Louie, Nike and I miss him!! My Brando Banana!! I love you buddy!! We will be together again one day my men (((Sebastian and Brando Bean)))!!
4/40/18 Thirteen years... My sweet gentle man... Crying again every day. I miss my kids! Almost 3 weeks ago, April 2,2018 - your sister Nike earned her beautiful wings and she left her earthly body to join you and her brother Brando. It's still so raw and sometimes I just can't catch my breath, but I know she was LOVED - you all were. I have each of you tucked away deeply in my soul... FOREVER my man!! Louie and I miss you guys!! Give B a cigar and tell him it's from Louie! <3!! XOXOXOXOXOXO