1/30/17 - Mom is checking in on you. Changed up your toys. I missed you at Christmas and thought of you daily. I saw a butterfly this morning and hope it was you. I hope to see you in my dreams soon. I miss you like crazy. I hope you are running free and no pain. I still sleep with your ashes at times and kiss you in the mornings. We have a new place 2 doors down and I hope your spirit followed us there. It was so hard to leave our old place. I still walk by the dog park where I bathed you when you were sick. Its still so difficult. You were everything to me. Come visit soon. Please say a prayer for your new brother Valentino. He may need a pacemaker and we are very scared. I love you dearly. Always needing you - MOM|
1/17/16 - It's been a while because I've been dealing with my grief and how to deal with the one year anniversary of your passing on to heaven. I think of you every minute of the day. Your ashes are dressed in your favorite tshirt and laying next to me now as I type to you. <3 I miss you and often wonder if you are still with me. I think I feel you guide me through tough days. You taught me patience and how to really love. Lola Bear stayed with us last year from February 2015 - May 2015. She passed away after leaving my house and I've felt so guilty. I hope you guided her home to be with you. She is the perfect girlfriend. She helped me so much when you left last year. Although, I was devastated losing her 4 months after you. She was a sweet girl. My girl. We added a new Bassethound last May to our home. I named him after your birthday on Valentine's Day. His name is Valentino. He is nothing like you and a bit crazy. He wasn't supposed to stay with me as he was a rescue, but somehow is still here. I'm hoping you sent him to me to help my sadness. He is your brother, but NOONE WILL EVER TAKE YOUR PLACE IN MY HEART. Dad even met him and watched him one night. He enjoyed him and made him miss you I believe. We all have aching hearts. Teri misses you terribly too. We all do. We always will. I'll be back soon. I'm renewing your online site again so we can continue to write you. I hope you read this and know we love you. I'm so sorry how things happened and only tried my very best always. I wish I could change that day. I pray you forgive me. I'm thinking of you everyday. I still do your candle ceremonies every Monday night religiously. I hope you see the light. Mommy loves you so much. Send me a sign soon, Ok? I sure could use one or would love to see you in a dream. I want to hug you one more time. Always your mommy and loving you. Be a good boy, like you always were. Please give Lola a kiss from us and tell her I am sorry. We love her so much. Love - Mom, Teri & Daddy
3/25/15 Hello baby. It's been a while since mommy has been here. I just typed you a long letter and it erased somehow. I will try and write it again. I can't stop crying and wish you were here. We've been attending the Monday night lighting ceremonies at 9pm every week. I hope you see the candles burning. Lola has been staying with us a few weeks and she has helped me a bit. However, I still ache for you 24/7. Today I was trying to cook like you and I always did every night. It wasn't the same. I miss you. I miss the look your brown eyes gave me daily. I miss your touch, your kiss, your needing me. I miss waking up next to you and taking care of you. I miss you watching me get a bath. I miss laying in the grass with you while we has special time. Today I was cooking and crying at the same time. Lola started barking at the wall where you used to lay in the sun and watch me cook. Where you laid to watch us decorate the tree only months ago. She was barking for no reason at an empty wall and I was hoping it was you be a use she knew I was upset. I was hoping you came to visit. I took your ashes and laid them in the sun like you always liked. At one point, Lola came to the sun too and so I laid by both of you. I keep you and your things near me 24/7. I hope you know mommy did everything for you. I feel horrible because I gave you the best care and let the doctors make a mistake. I don't know how I will ever cope with this, but I try daily. I also joined a support group. I hope you come and bring me good energy when I need it. Now, you see mommy needs you more than you ever needed me. I still think of you every waking second. No one will ever replace you. I hope you enjoyed the trip we took you on after getting your ashes back. I felt you in my dream that night and hope you come again. I sure could use that. It's so difficult to be cut off so quick when I was told you were healthy. I wonder if you miss me? Are you ever around watching over me? I will be back more to write, it's just been really hard for me. Don't think for a second you are not on y mind. I still sleep on the couch wondering if I will see you. I'm in the same spot. Come visit when you can. Mommy misses you terribly and could use a spiritual hug. We go to Seaside soon and I will take you with me. If I can't take all of you, perhaps your leash and my mini bag. I hope you have a good Easter. I just changed your pictures to give you a ham bone and tulips. Also, I gave you a comfy bed. I hope you saw the birthday cake I left you. Of course, I left your favorite McDonalds fries too. It reminded me of all the rides we took. We are also looking into getting you a memorial stone in the heights in one of your favorite and last parks you visited. I hope you enjoy that and come to see it when it's done. My tears never stop for you. I miss you so much and I am sending you a ton of hugs and kisses. Teri sends her love too. She misses you very much but has had to care for me. Come see mommy soon and let me know you are ok. You will always be my sunshine, my only sunshine. Love always, mommy. <3 <3 :) :) :) XOXOXOX
My goodbye letter to my only son:
My world got a little darker today, I lost my only sunshine. He was my best friend and not sure how I will go on without him. All of Scooby's test came back perfect, so we are still left with no answers. We fought hard and so did he. He was a happy dog this morning and was totally normal. We only had a ultrasound scheduled and hoped to go home. I will continue to fight in his honor until my death to figure this out. We were supposed to be happy that everything was normal on all test, ultrasounds and X-rays. That is not the case. I'm in a dark place not wanting to come out. I want him home.
He was wagging his butt at me in typical hound fashion this morning and begging to eat. He loved to watch me cook. It was our thing. He was like his old fun self. Yes, he has a few back problems, but that wasn't making him sick. That has been controlled for some time now.
Scooby, I hope I showed you everyday how much I truly loved you. I don't even know who I am without you. You were the first thing I saw and thought about each morning and night. How do I sleep on this couch without you near me to care for? I sit here weeping holding your bed and leash in my arms. I poured every ounce of my soul into you. I would do anything in this world to have you in my arms again. Anything.
Not only does my life seem unbearable, I still don't have answers after fighting for you so hard. I know you wanted me to and so did your doctors. They all said to me this week that it "wasn't even close to your time." You were worth all the money, time and effort. You changed me and I will never be the same.
How can I thank you for everything you've done for me? You have shown me patience, unconditional love and made my heart as big as the sunshine we sang about. You taught me it's ok to be me and to love myself for who I am. You showed me that you loved being my son. You were never more than 2 inches from my side. We did everything (and I mean everything) together.
You woke me up every night and morning to say hello and nudge my arm. You and I met eyes every morning to say I love you. I will forever be missing you and I doubt this hurt will ever become bearable. I don't think time will heal this wound. Ever. We just had that special kind of love. You are my joy, laughter and unconditional love. What do I do with this missing piece? My heart is in a million pieces and for once you are not here to pick them up.
Right now, my faith is tested. I don't have a sign from you that you are ok. How long do I wait? Are you still here with me? When I cry, will you still lick away my tears? I need that so badly, son.
I sit in this home and every inch of it is about you. You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
I cannot express the love I have for you and always will. It's truly unexplainable.
I hope we meet again so my life can become complete again.
Still looking for that sign my son.
I love you,