I was not prepared to lose you. After all the chemo and radiation treatments I put you through, your last visit was May 8, 2017 and you had to leave us in the early morning of June 1, 2017. I know you are no longer suffering, no more pain but the good days far outnumbered the past week baby girl. Your boys miss you: Elvis has been sleeping on your bed. Apollo keeps waiting for you to join him on going outside. Jesse looks around for you. Mommy misses you terribly as well. You came into our hearts 11 years ago and there you will remain always.|
Here is your time line Satin Marie, ever since the cancer first attacked you.
Unfortunately, my wife and myself just recently, as in yesterday, June 1, 2017, had to end the pain and suffering of our dear wonderful baby girl Satin Marie. She was 11, got a few Mast Cell tumors in 2015, they were removed surgically, she improved. I was told they could come back. June 2016 one did come back, and it was a large one. Her regular veterinarian explained he could once again surgically remove the tumor but due to its location (left inguinal region of her left rear leg, the area of tissue was so large. She had already had one near that area removed in 2015 and it had to be re-sutured a few days later and Satin put on medicine that would basically keep her calm and drowsy so the wound area could heal properly. Her doctor also stated he could remove the leg but it would be so high up past the thigh area and at her age (then 10) I didn't see it being good for her. She was otherwise healthy, eating, playing, etc; November 2016 before Thanksgiving, the tumor had gotten to the point where it had outstripped it's blood supply and was now emitting a pungent odor and was becoming necrotic on the surface. She had already been to see her doctor in October for a check up and that's just how quickly things turned. He took a needle sample and confirmed it again, Mast Cell tumor. This time he referred me/us to the University of Missouri Veterinary Specialty Clinic in Wentzville, MO. We were not able to get in there until December 19, 2016. I had just had a total left knee replacement done in October 2016 so thankfully being off work, I was able to take her to this appointment, which is about 50 miles from where I live in Illinois.
Due to the infection, we had to get that under control. Antibiotics, prednisone, and a few others were prescribed and we discussed the available treatment options (chemo/radiation) and the costs of course. February 15, 2017 we began the radiation, 16 treatments, once a day. Mixed in there was the chemo once every two weeks, Vinblastine. She stayed healthy, would gain a few pounds, lose a few pounds. Fine through February, March and April. May4-5, 2017 she got sick to the point of me immediately getting her to her doctor, who diagnosed she was dehydrated and her potassium was down so they kept her overnight, gave her iv fluids and other meds. He felt good that she could come home may 5, 2017. She was eating, drinking and still moving around as normal, for her age.
May 8, 2017: her last visit to the MU Clinic for what would have been her last chemo. Unfortunately, due to her still being dehydrated, anemic (that had been a slight issue during the radiation and chemo with her White Blood Cell counts so they reduced the vinblastine by 10%) and still trying to vomit mucous and foamy stuff, her Oncologist prioritized her medicines and of course told me to keep an eye on her.
May 12, 2017: I called to let them know Satin was doing much better and was eating, drinking and the runny stools were getting better. They were happy as they all loved her there at the Clinic. By May 24, 2017 she started to show signs of not doping so well. Lethargic, loss of appetite (unless it was human food or canned special diet food the Clinic sold me). Here is where this KILLS me, and it really feels as if my insides are torn out. I kept a close eye on her but hesitated to take her to her doctor closer to home, not due to money (that was never going to be an issue, we had Care Credit and a credit card to cover the cost of her treatment and then some if necessary). I hesitated hoping this was just a minor set back. On Memorial Day, just on Monday the 29th, she had a fall either going down or up our basement steps and I found her when I got up to go to the bathroom, laying there quietly on a rug in front of our washer/dryer. I knew then she was in real pain but still was hoping. I did call and make an appointment for her doctor to look at her, today of all days June 2, 2017. That got moved to May 31, 2017 because we decided she was in a lot of pain, and especially with her being so bloated. On that fateful day of May 31, 2017, Satin had her first and final day spa treatment by a group of Angels, strangers who all stopped what they were doing to devote everything to my Satin baby girl. By the evening of May 31, 2017, my wife and I decided I would take her to a local emergency animal hospital where coincidentally, I had just taken my Shepherd boy for sutures due to a fight between him and one of my other boys on May 18th. And ironically, on the 31st, I took the Shepherd there to have the sutures removed. I called ahead to let them know we were coming. They immediately got Satin in, her breathing was very labored so they gave her oxygen. I spoke to the same doctor who had sewn my Shepherd boy up two weeks earlier, very sweet young woman. She told me Satin was not doing well and was in a bad condition, which I knew. She did throw u the two cheeseburgers my brother fed to her that I got her from a fast food place, her final meal. By 12:08 am on June 1, 2017, she had been relieved of her pain and suffering. I now am dealing with the loss of another fur baby and have three more to go before it's done. I know many others have gone through this. I have, three times, with my Gizmo puppy girl in 2009, my Sparkle, the cat who owned me for 17 years, in 2008 and my Molly cat in 2014, so this is not new to me.
This time is entirely much worse and I keep second guessing myself, which I know is wrong and is not helping me one bit. I am usually a very private person and do not "post" my problems on line. This time is different. I cannot handle this level of heartache, that's how much I loved and will always love my Satin puppy girl. I am hurting so much right now, crying all the time, watching my wife cry for the same reasons. Waiting to hear my puppy girls nails on the kitchen floor as she comes waling through. I go outside and she's not in HER yard. My three boys know she is gone and are somewhat lost when they go outside. I don't know what to do anymore.....
June 3, 2017: It's only been a few days since you left us and the pain has not lessened Satin Marie. I have your grave done and you are now safe from the elements, bugs and those pesky squirrels. I will soon clear up the area around your final resting place, next to your Gizmo mentor and Molly and Sparkle. There will be flowers because you always liked walking through my flower beds! I cannot stop thinking about what if I had gotten you to your vet or Hawthorne Animal Hospital when I first noticed you were getting worse. But then you would act as if you were okay. I now realize what had happened well after the fact and perhaps, we would have had t let you go sooner and perhaps that would have been that much less pain you were enduring. I'll never know Satin Marie and that is killing me Baby Girl (pronounced as BEEBY Girl)
I cannot wait until we meet again in my dreams and I anxiously await the day we are re-united, all of us. I love you Satin Marie and I always will.
June 5, 2017: Well, exactly one month ago today I brought you home from your regular vet because you had been sick. He said he felt it was good to take you home. And today, I took what will amount to our last drive together over to the Missouri University Cancer Care Center in Wentzville, MO. I know you were there in the truck with me, laying in the back seat like you did ever since December 19, 2016 when we took our first trip there. I had to make the drive one last time. I did take you day Spa picture to them and they all loved it as they all loved you. Because your boy Apollo isn't acting correctly because I know he is mourning your absence like mommy and I are, I will be taking him and Jesse there for Behavior treatment. It won't be the same drive but I have to help Apollo because him and Jesse can't keep getting into it, all because Apollo thinks he's the BIG doggy now. We both know he's not! I'm still crying and missing you terribly, as is mommy. That will never change but the drive there and back were good for us, as I know you were in the truck with me. I love you sweet Angel Puppy Satin Marie.
June 5, 2017: A very sweet and thoughtful condolence card came in the mail from Hawthorne Animal Hospital, all because of the touch you had on everyone's lives that you came into contact with. I also took your boy Elvis to see the regular veteran and guess who it was? Your doctor! He was saddened to have learned of your passing. We're going to get Elvis better and get his thyroid taken care of. He and the other two boys miss you.
June 6, 2017: Well, it's the anniversary of Gizmos passing 8 years ago. You two are only five days apart so I really do know you two are together again. Apollo isn't really handling your absence very well so I have to take him to the same clinic we went for your treatment. He's going to get some Behavioral training and most likely be placed on medicines. I cannot handle him and Jesse fighting, even of it is once every couple of years. And I cannot bear the thought of having to lose him. I didn't give up on you and you know me Satin Marie, I work through ALL doggie issues, we don't just throw a dogster away. I think of you always. Your mistress Tabitha had her baby today so now I have a grandson. Dante is his name, you would have given him your sweet puppy kisses so watch over him from the Bridge baby girl.
June 8, 2017: Well, it's 12:08 am. It has been exactly one week since you left your physical realm and began your spirit journey. I miss you more and more each and every day. When I took Adrianna to the park yesterday, it mad me sad as I had wanted to take you to the park last week when we went to the puppy spa. I knew the breeze was your gentle puppy kisses telling me you were there. Apollo is still looking for you every time he goes outside. Jesse finds the spot in the yard near where you would lay in the sun and roll around in the grass, doing your exercise bike leg movements with your back legs in the air! Mommy found a picture of you doing that when you were a little peanuthead puppy. The pain in my chest is still there baby girl but sometimes I think it's you laying your head on my chest. I still see those beautiful hazel/brown eyes of yours staring at me when I eat something, that look of yours telling me you were about to collapse from starvation if I didn't give you some of whatever I was eating. I lit a candle tonight next to that picture those sweet and kind ladies took of you at the puppy spa. I really like that picture. I love you Angel Puppy Peanuthead Baby Girl and I always will.
June 8, 2017: Well, I finally got the mulch around your grave as well as around Molly, Gizmo and Sparkle's graves. The flowers are beautiful, just like you. It's still hard to believe it's been a week since we had to let you go. I miss you so much baby girl but each day seems to get a little better and that's how you would want it, I know.
June 9, 2017: Well, I finally painted your grave top, as well as Molly, Gizmo and the black pattern for Sparkle's black and white colors. Mommy said it looks so beautiful already. When I am finished, I will have her take some pictures so we can share them with everyone here. I am sure you would think it is silly but you always did like to walk through the flower beds. Today was a good day, sunny and beautiful, which reminded me of you. My heart still grieves but each day seems a little better than the day before. The pain will never go away, nor will the hurt of missing you baby girl.
June 10, 2017: Couldn't sleep last night, so I ended up getting up around 4:00 am this morning. had the boys outside, got up from the patio and spray painted those two planters that we placed some flowers in for your kids grave area. I painted them pink of course. Also finished the other grave tops and they look beautiful. Now all I need to do is make your and Molly's name placards. I miss you still baby girl but we all know that will never change. Another beautiful morning it was and all the Cardinals coming into the yard let me know that ALL you kids were visiting mommy and myself.
June 12, 2017: Today your grave stone that I ordered through this place arrived! It is so beautiful and a fitting tribute to a wonderful girl. I will have to get stones for the others as well but most likely one at a time. Sparkle, Molly and Gizmo deserve nothing less and you wouldn't want it any other way baby girl. The tears still flow and I think of you everyday, all day long. Tomorrow Apollo and Jesse will take the ride to Wentzville to the clinic you went to for behavior treatment, mostly for your boy Apollo. I have to do something to help him, after all, he is still my baby baby.
June 14, 2017: Well, it's 11:20 tonight and this is the time we went to the Animal Clinic for the last time. The pain of it all is just as big as that night two weeks ago baby girl. I am so sorry you had to go through all of what you went through, only to lose your fight to the tumors.
June 15, 2017: It's been two weeks since you had to leave me Satin Marie. I never realized just how important you are to this house. Apollo is still having issues with Jesse, even with the new meds they started him on. I did see Dr. Ehling Tuesday when I took Apollo and Jessse to see the Behavior Specialist over there at the Wentzville, Clinic and she gave me a big hug but I was trying to hold Apollo's leash and did not have the chance to speak to her. I miss you so much baby girl, words cannot begin to describe the pain. I am trying to do what needs to be done here and am going back to work on the 28th of this month. The thought of coming home and you not being there is a bit much but everytime I leave and you're not wanting to go with me or come home and you're not there to greet me like you always did, the pain is there, but the pain is always there my sweet Angel puppy. I miss you so much!
June 17, 2017: Well baby girl, today I went to the group therapy session and it really was nice to physically be around others who are experiencing the same loss as we are. I took some pictures of you with me and well, the ladies there fell in love with you, just like everyone else. I still miss you so much baby girl, until it is our time to meet up again.
June 18, 2017: Father's Day. You're not here to give me sweet puppy girl kisses and that makes me miss you even more. I miss your sweet face. I miss you baby girl, so much! I'll never fully understand why you had to leave but I comfort myself, somewhat, in knowing you are pain free and running and playing and doing what you did best, eating and sleeping. The boys are doing as well as can be expected but Apollo is so lost without you and it's really bothering me. I gave him the blanket you slept on when you slept with mommy and I think he likes it a lot. Taking each day one by one. I love you so very much my baby girl.
June 21, 2017: It's been three weeks today since I was able to spend my last day with you. Who knew that later that evening, we would take our last ride together, to end your pain and suffering. I know you were in pain baby girl. I am still grieving you being gone, just as much as I did that fateful day. I can't stop crying or thinking about you and I most likely never will, and you know what baby girl? I am fine with that. Your love was unconditional, even when I wasn't at my best. You never held a grudge or were ever mad at me and because of your love for me, that is why the pain is so hard. I thank God for the time I had with you, 11 years. It was not long enough. I miss you so much and will always love you baby girl.
June 22, 2017: Today is 3 weeks to the day since we had to say goodbye to you Satin Marie. I is you so much baby girl At 12:08 am you took your last breath and slipped away from your pain so peacefully and quietly. The pain and sorrow are still so much, sometimes too much to bear but I know you don't want me to be like this and the boys need me, your boys. They miss you so much. I'll still never understand why this had to happen to you. My whole world is turned upside down. Nothing is the same, especially when I let the boys outside or when I am eating or when I go to bed. You're not there and it just hurts so much. I was never going to be ready for you to leave but I know you are in a better place and free from your pain. I love you Satin Marie!
June 24, 2017: Well, today is my birthday and you're not here to celebrate it with me. Today is also Sparkles birthday. I really do miss that mouser, she was definitely the BEST cat ever. I wish you were here, all the time but I remind myself that was never possible and that your body just couldn't fight anymore. You got a card today from your doctor and the Staff there and it made me cry. I cry for you almost all the time still. I'm having a really hard time with you being gone baby girl.
June 28, 2017: It's been four weeks since we took our last car ride together, that fateful evening when it was time to end your suffering and pain baby girl. I miss you so much! I want to hold you so badly, I want to smell your scent, I just want you back home with me baby girl but I know you are in a much better and happier place now. Every Wednesday is now a sad day for daddy but every single day without you is a sad day. Until we meet again at the Rainbow Bridge my precious Angel puppy. I love you Satin Marie and I always will.
June 29, 2017: It's been four full weeks now since you had to leave us. Today was a sad day for me baby girl and I fear things are going to get worse and I know you wouldn't want that and I don't want that either. I tried to go fishing today but kept thinking of you and how I had been wanting to take you to the park and never got the chance to do so. I miss you so much baby girl and I always will.
July 1, 2017: It's been exactly one month now since you left me Satin Marie and it's not getting any easier baby girl. Now every Wednesday, Thursday and the 1st of every month will always be sad days for me, besides every other day. I still blame myself for not asking Dr. Ehling about the Bravecto and Interceptor medicines and now knowing that they made matters worse for you. Sometimes I feel as if I killed you but I know it was the tumors. Still, I blame myself for not doing more or doing it sooner. And nothing will ever change that as I can never forgive myself for failing you baby girl.
July 4, 2017: Well, another 4th of July baby girl only this time, we did not purchase any fireworks, which you hated. I doubt we will ever buy them again.
July 5/6 2017: Well it's been 5 weeks since we took that final car ride. it's still so hard to believe you are gone. I try to comfort myself in the fact you are no longer in pain or suffering but it really doesn't help much. I just miss you so damn much baby girl! You were the apple of my eyes and I just can't take the pain of you not being there anymore. I'm back at work as of the 5th and the diversion for my brain is helping but I really hate this place and coming home to you not being there sucks.
July 12/13, 2017: Today is 6 weeks baby girl, 6 weeks that seem just like yesterday at times. I still miss you so much! I cry everyday, even at work but you know this. I know you are still not ready to leave me as you have not yet come to me in my dreams and I look forward to that day when you do because then I will know you are going home to be with Gizmo and Molly and even Sparkle. But I know you will not leave until you know I am ready as well. I love you Satin Marie.
July 19/20, 2017: It's now been 7 weeks since you left me baby girl and the pain is still as hard as it was then. I talk to you all the time but you know this. The boys are doing okay but that's because you are watching over them. of course, they still seem to have this need to get into the trash in the kitchen and bathroom, and when they do, I just know it's you there and that of course makes me smile. I miss you terribly and cannot wait until you come to visit me in my dreams. Until then baby girl, run free and have fun with Gizmo, Molly and Sparkle and everyone else there on the other side of the Rainbow Bridge.
July 26/27, 2017: 8 weeks now since you had to leave me and it's not getting any easier baby girl. I still wait for you to come to me in my dreams but I know it's not time just yet. I think about you always and I always will. I just miss you so much. It all happened so fast, June having been a year since the tumors came back. I just wish I could have had that one last day with you, to have you sleep with me one last time baby girl, to hold you one last time. I miss you so much Satin Marie.
July31/August 1, 2017: It's so hard to believe it's been two months ago that you left me baby girl. I still ask why. WHY? I miss you so much but I try to console myself still that you are no longer suffering. It doesn't help much my sweet Angel puppy girl. I will always love you the most, as bad as that may sound for the others, who I loved dearly. You are just that special to me.
September 1, 2017: Well my sweet precious puppy girl, it's been 3 months now since you had to leave and not a single day goes by that I don't think of you or cry. Recently, you came to me in my dreams again. I think you are checking in on me and trying to let me know you are okay. I miss you terribly and I always will. You were and still are my Angel puppy and will never forget all the times we spent together. I will never forget you precious beeby girl. Until next month, keep running free, chasing squirrels and laying in the sunshine.
October 1, 2017: It's been four months now my sweet Angel Puppy girl and I miss you so much. The days and nights are so lonely without you here. I still cry everyday but slowly but surely things are getting a little better but not by much. It was too soon for you have to go. I wish I could still hold you and give you kisses to your sweet face because you loved kisses from your daddy. I don't visit the forum much because there is just too much loss and sorrow but I think of you each and every day. Until next month beeby girl. I love you!
Nov 1, 2017: It's been five lonely and painful months since you had to leave me beeby girl and not a day goes by still that I am not thinking about you. You truly did leave your paw prints on my heart and I will always cherish the time we shared together. You will always be my precious puppy girl, I just wish there had been more time together. I miss you so much!
November 20, 2017: I wrote this for you baby girl. I hope it makes sense: Did You Know?
Did you know?
In those final moments Satin Marie, just after midnight June 1, 2017, did you know it then, that I had always loved you and I always will? Did you know it then sweet baby girl, that you were so loved by me? I know you knew it then. And I know that you know it now, there on the other side of the Bridge, patiently waiting for the day when we can be together again. November 15, 2017
December 1, 2017: It's now been 6 months since you had to leave me beeby girl and I still ask WHY? I miss you so much and it just isn't getting any better. This house is so lonely without you and somedays I just want it al to end. Thanksgiving was not the same without you and I knw Christmas won't be any better. I love you Satin Marie!
Merry Christmas baby girl!
December 27, 2017: I had to make perhaps the hardest decision ever in my life today. Apollo and Jesse got into another fight. I had no choice but to send Apollo home to you. I hope you can forgive me baby girl. I loved him so much but just couldn't handle another, perhaps even fatal, fight. I know he is there with you and Gizmo.
January 1, 2018: Seven months now and I still miss you so much beeby girl. The days are getting better though and that bothers me as I am forgetting to write here. There were no fireworks here at home to usher in the New Year and Christmas was not the same without you. Then again, nothing is the same and now with Apollo gone, it's even worse.
January 5, 2018: I brought Apollos remains home today