15 years ago, 12 year old me tricked my parents into signing a contract that if I got straight A's, we would get a Yorkshire Terrier. Then 14 years ago, I found an ad in the newspaper and forced my parents to take us to see the Yorkie litter. My mom refused to come since she was scared of dogs, but my dad took my sister and I. We went into the backyard and there was 2 little girl Yorkies (Rolo's sisters) and they were so cute, but then, I saw him. The perfect little runt of the litter - my precious Rolo. He ran up to me and it really was love at first sight. We took pictures on my dads phone and when we got home, we showed my mom and I begged until she said yes. A few weeks later, I got to bring my baby boy home. He was so tiny and so little, he even didn't know how to pee like a boy until he was a few months old!

He was so smart though - he learned how to open his kennel door on his own, after I found him in the hallway numerous times and finally figured out he knew how to open the latch. He also knew how to sneak out of his carrier by opening the zipper. with his paw, and then his head! Tricks weren't really his thing, but he could sit and pray and that was all we needed.

I didn't know it then, but that guy would turn out to be much more than a pet, but really, my baby and my best friend. Through all the ups and down of my life, Rolo was there for me. Through the stresses of heartbreak, high school, university, med school and residency, he saw it all. He knew when I was upset and would always find a way to make me smile and show me love in all the ways he knew how.

Some people may not know this, but Rolo's leash broke when he was 1 year old and he kept running and got run over by a car. It was so scary but since he was so tiny, he managed not to get hit and all he suffered from was a bleeding tongue where he bit on it from his fear.

I don't even know where to start with my favourite memories but I'll try and list out as many as I can (and will probably keep adding to this list every time I remember more!):

- The way he would wait at the gate for me when he heard the garage door or car in the driveway or seeing him perched on the edge of the couch when we were leaving or coming home
- The way he would scratch on doors (especially the kitchen/dining room and office doors to tell us when he wanted to get in or out
- The cute little scurry from the kitchen to the office and the way he nudge the door open with his nose
- The way he snuck through the back patio bannisters, so we had to put fences everywhere!!
- His avid sense of smell for when any meat entered the house - he loved steak and sausage so much! Especially Earl's wings at the end.
- Chewing his squeaker toys and pulling out all the stuffing to no end
- The way he picked up his massive toys and scurried behind the couch with them
- Loving hedgehog stuffed animals as much as me
- The way he begged for food and ate almost anything - popcorn, nacho chips, whipped cream, cheese, you name it! He even jumped on the outside table once when I left my plate unattended.
- The way he sat on the edge of the sofa and looked over at us
- How long it took for him to learn his doggie door! It was a mission but he loved it in the end.
- Walks to the mall and Starbucks with puppacinos <3
- Long neighbourhood walks, even when he became "hoppy"
- The way he hopped over the railroad tracks at Ambleside
- His little mitten teeth and the way he would lick his mouth and nose constantly
- Dancing to our favourite songs together
- Not needing a dental hygienist ;)
- The way he would growl and snarl whenever we tried to brush his teeth or give him medicine until the last few years when he finally started to learn I was trying to help him!
- Having a queen bed but him finding a way to make it so I was on the very edge of the bed
- Feeling his warm body next to me on my bed
- His cute little snoring, I would give anything to have trouble sleeping because of it again
- His constant desire for belly rubs and him rubbing his back on the rugs and bathmats!
- Watching Canucks games together on the couch - although sometimes, its not clear if he might have been a Blackhawks fan momentarily.
- The way he monitored for rats and raccoons in the backyard
- Driving and seeing him sitting peacefully and looking perfect in his car seat
- The way he loved his little outfits and wouldn't let me take them off him
- Him stealing my moms pillow on the sofa - knowing how much he wasn't supposed to be on it!
- How he would just show up at my bedroom door and scratch on it so I knew he was there <3
- The post call snuggles and licks

Losing our baby Rolo:

Rolo was a happy dog, he had his share of aging and yorkie problems (minimal hearing, possible vision problems, a heart murmur, many extracted teeth). He also had torn his CCL a few years ago, and we tried to take him for the surgery but they could not put him under anesthesia because they were worried about his tracheal collapse they discovered. He actually did well despite not having surgery and would walk/hop without any signs of pain, although we occasionally gave him pain medicine to be sure.

About 4 months ago, he swallowed a rib bone he found on the ground and we took him to an emergency vet, where they managed to remove it with a scope - we were so lucky. On that visit, they noticed a possible lung mass and said in a few weeks, he should have it re-looked at or biopsied, once he had recovered from the bone incident. We took him back to that vet a month later (instead of his usual vet) since they had treated him so well and we felt trust in them. They did an ultrasound before attempting a biopsy and they said there was no mass seen anymore - we were thrilled!

5 weeks before we lost him, I had taken him for his usual 45 minute walk in the neighbourhood and he loved it. Then, the next day or two he had low energy and wasn't eating as much as usual - I thought it might be since it was so hot outside, so I booked him a grooming appointment to get his hair even shorter for the summer. When he got back from the groomers, nothing had changed and that night, he wouldn't eat anything and kept sitting on the other side of the room, even though he usually loved being next to us and would eat almost ANYTHING, to the point of stealing food off our plates when we weren't looking. Then all of a sudden, he got up and tried to walk towards us but was stumbling and it was like his legs were giving out. We rushed him back to the emergency vet and they gave him fluids and once again, saw the lung mass was there. We decided to do a biopsy, since it could have been something non cancerous but sadly it showed lung cancer after we brought him home. He started to show laboured breathing, so we took him back in to the vet. We then decided to do a CT scan to show how advanced it was, to see if there was any hope for surgery, especially since his front leg had become limp. The CT showed the large mass in his lung (almost taking up 1/2-3/4 of the left lung) and possible areas in his spleen/kidneys but unclear. The vet recommended we put him down that weekend. My dad and I asked if there was any role for some antibiotics and steroids so we could make sure there wasn't something acute going on - since the sudden decline didn't make sense if the mass had been there for months. Everyone said we would know when it was time, and we said "okay let's try this, and if its not any better by the morning, we will let him go". Surprisingly, not even 1 hour after the steroids, he perked up and was dying to eat chicken from a specific restaurant near our home - we were so excited!

Over the next 3 weeks, he was doing okay. He slept a lot and he had periods of slightly laboured breathing, so he went to the vet - they thought they saw fluid around his lungs so they started him on a medication for that, and he stayed on the steroids (at a lower dose). He continued to only want to eat that specific chicken or sometimes, he declined the chicken but would take beef, so we would make sure we got those for him - he ate small amounts, and would sometimes have to be hand fed. His front limb regained some strength but he still couldn't walk more than 1 block before sitting down and resisting. I got him a stroller and he seemed happy to get fresh air in that. Still no interest in all his toys. We noticed he would mainly sleep lying flat, with his arms and neck extended, or with his neck propped up on the edge of his bed or a toy. When he stood, his front legs would bow out and he was always shaking, even though it was so warm outside. Over all this, his weight had decreased from 3.6kg to 2.5kg and we could see and feel his spine and ribs through his fur. He started to distance himself from us - wanting to sleep where we couldn't always see him, or sitting as far away from us on the couch as possible. He still was fully continent, would drink water and had moments where he didn't mind snuggling and would lick my face.

The last 2-3 days, things really changed. He wouldn't drink as much, would barely eat a bite, and when we brought food to his mouth, he would turn away or even get up and walk away from us. When he did take a bite or two, he would almost choke a bit even though the pieces were SO small. He didn't like to sit next to us on the couch and would move away. Then his breathing got worse, more laboured, lots of abdominal breathing and we thought it was probably time. We tried subcutaneous fluids at home to see if it would help and when it didn't we decided to take him to the vet later that night. The vet did an assessment (a vet who had never met him before and seemed very new- something I feel horrible about now) and didn't feel like there was anything that could be done at this point. I didn't want to put Rolo through more tests, because he had been in and out of the vet so much and I know he hated it. The worst part is that before the vet, he licked my whole face and tears off while I was crying at the vet, he was more alert - eyes wide open (which I can't get out of my head now), but still having laboured breathing. With all my family around him, we told him how much we loved him and they gave the medications, he didn't fight at all like he usually did at the vet- just like that my baby was gone. I broke down and was on the floor in tears. I know he was out of his suffering but I didn't feel at peace like I thought I would.

Dear my Rolo,

I want to start by saying how I love you so much - more than words could ever explain. You saved me in more ways than I thought possible and showed me the most unconditional love even through the struggle you experienced at the end. You did so much more for me than I ever could have done for you. I'm not quite sure how I'll be able to handle the toughest loss without you, since you're always what provided me the most support and strength to cope through everything in life.

I'm so sorry we had to let you go at the end - everyone felt you were suffering too much and the vets said it was time - there was nothing else we could do to help you :'( I know how much you hated being at the vet, and it broke my heart each time we had to take you in for another assessment or treatment. I didn't want you spending more time out of your precious life there. I keep wondering if you could have had more time, but I have to remind myself of all the ways you were unhappy and showing us you didn't have the strength anymore. I wish you could have told me in words thats what you wanted but we had to do what we think you needed, out of love.

A quote that I read online and try to keep in mind is "I once heard that euthanasia is when you take an animal's pain and you make it yours". I would much rather me suffer than you, Rolo.

I have so much guilt for every moment I spent away from you - whether that was vacations, sleepovers at my friends, electives, and being on call so much at the hospital. The worst is when I was at home, but you were downstairs and I was upstairs and looking back, I should have spent every possible moment with you. I'm so sorry for all the times I had to scold you or got irritated when you wouldn't let me sleep or anything else - I hope you know it was all out of love and I know I must have been selfish at times. I'm also sorry for all the times I had to give you a bath, take you to the vet or clean your bum - I know you hated it!! For all the walks I was too lazy to take, I wish I could turn back time and do it all over. I would give just about anything to have some more time with you.

I hope heaven is filled with lots of steak, chicken jerky, earls wings, whipped cream and squeak toys. Not a day will pass where I don't miss your snuggles, licks and every little thing you did. I'll think of you everyday for as long as I live. Everyone is so lonely here without you, I don't think you know how big of an impact you had on everyone around you, especially for such a tiny little dog. I packed up all your things and kept them so safe and always will. We miss you so so much at home. Rest easy bubby, you've always been my little angel but now more than ever. I love you forever and my heart is so broken without you Rolo 💕🐾😢 We'll be together one day again.

"Goodbyes are only for those who love with their eyes.  For those who love with their heart and soul there is no such thing as separation." - Rumi