7/11/22: Oh my baby boy,,,today I had to make the decision to end your fight and suffering and let you go,,,,I am so sorry baby that we couldn't beat what was happening to you. You were such a trooper,,,through all the horribleness and pain, you kept trying. But the tumor had now infiltrated your mouth and eye, and there was no surgical option to remove them and give you any quality of life. As the tears roll down, I have to remind myself that you needed my help, and that we did the best we could. |
You showed up in my yard several years ago as a wild, wild feral. It took many months for you to even come to the food dishes to eat, but slowly you found your courage. Over time and with patience, I was able to get you to trust me to touch you and pet you. Since you would mainly be by the garage, I started to leave the door open about a foot, and soon you made your way in and became my 'garage' buddy. I installed a cat door there for you, and I set up a heated carrier and some different cat beds and boxes, and you set up shop in there. Every morning I would find you in one of your beds or your heated carrier, and every evening either in one of those or right outside the garage door.
The other ferals at that time, Buddy and Rudi, were afraid of you, but you all figured it out and ate together, as long as there was a little space between you. Then along came DT,Jasper and Linky--it was so cute,,Linky the lady was not afraid of you, but DT and Jasper were, as you were all male. But never was there a fight between you, and eventually they decided he could trust you within a few feet, and all of you would eat together. DT would even come into the garage sometimes and sleep in one of the beds, but you were always the 'boss', even though you never hurt any of them. But I guess it's because you looked so 'tough' :)
Although you would let me pet you, you did not like being brushed, and after a while developed a lot of matted fur along your back and sided. I always would pray each day that you'd let me start to remove them, but you just couldn't handle it. Then, when you started getting sick and the tumor started to grow in your mouth and moved into your eye, you started to let me try---5-10 min each morning we would have a little 'mat' session, and within a week I had removed all of your mats,,,,I was so, so proud of you!!! And I was so happy as now it was getting hot out, and I could only imagine how good it felt not to have them anymore, to be cooler and not have them pulling on your skin.
About 2 months ago, you showed up with a drippy eye and what sounded like a URI. The vet prescribed antibiotics and eye ointment. You would not let me pill you, so I had the antibiotic compounded, and you were so good and ate it in your food, every time. But you would not at all let me apply the eye ointment.
Then the eye started getting worse, and we thought maybe you were in a fight and there was trauma. As the vet could not get anywhere near you, we just did the best we could. But then I noticed you having trouble with your mouth. At first I thought maybe dental issues or an abscess, but that was not the case---a tumor was growing in your mouth. Your breathing also started to be audible, and the antibiotic wasn't helping that.
Your eye quickly began to ulcerate, and I sent pictures to the vet. It was your cornea---there was a tumor behind your eye, rupturing your cornea,,,omg,,I was so heartbroken. Over the past several weeks, as the tumor grew, it started to push your eye out,,,,oh, it was horrible. Oh how sad I was for you, because when you first came to me, your other eye had some issues and they couldn't save it, and now with this tumor, you were completely blind. In all the time you have been with me, you never, ever left the property. Then I look out and see you by the curb---oh my God. I knew that was it--your time as an outside guy was over, as you would certainly not be able to handle life out there completely blind, and would die a horrible death. So I ran out and tried to carry you into the garage, but you panicked, and that was the first time I heard you hiss. By accident, your claws caught my arm and tore it open, but I could not let you go---I had to get you inside where you'd be safe. So I ran and opened the garage door half way, as I knew now you probably would not be able to find the cat door, and waited inside. Thankfully, you came in, and I shut the door.
My hopes were that I would try to train you to use a litter box and then move you into the rescue room, and at least have you readily available for aftercare of surgery to remove the tumors. The car was in the shop, so I set up an air conditioner, radio, and several more cat beds for you, along with two litter boxes---one filled with litter, and the other filled with dirt and grass, with a little litter. You were so good about it, not panicking or running crazy,,just settle into your beds,,,you knew I was trying to help you.
For several days, you did not use the litter boxes. But then you did! Not all the time at first, but the past week you were so good,,,,I couldn't have been prouder or happier, and a ray of hope was shining. I started to get the rescue room ready for you, as I had to rearrange one side of it to be safe for a blind cat. At the same time, I was trying to figure out a way to be able to pay for the surgery, as I have been ill and unable to work, and it was going to be very, very expensive.
Then the bad news came,,,surgery was not an option. The vet explained the cancer that had started in your sinuses had spread throughout your body, and also infiltrated your mouth with a tumor and another one behind your eye,,,surgery would not save you. I sat with you for the past few days,,,,even though I knew the decision I had to make to help you, I just couldn't make that phone call,,,,I've had so much loss and death the past year my head was spinning. But the past few days you told me,,,,you started to not be able to chew and swallow, as the tumor was growing rapidly, and even drinking was too much for you. My heart sank. Then when I saw you try to walk last night, I knew,,,you were so weak and wobbly,,,so I sat with you and petted you, and we said our prayers,,,,and I found the strength to call the vet and make the appt to end your suffering.
I am so sorry baby that we couldn't beat this horrible cancer, and I hope and pray you are healthy again now,,,being able to see and eat and run and play. I hope Jasper and Linky met you at the bridge. Thank you for coming into my life and trusting me to be your 'mom'. I love you with all my heart and always will. My trooper boy,,, Love and Light my baby,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
You will be sad, I understand,
I know that now my needs you'll tend,
Do not grieve that it must be you
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
1/1/23: Happy New Year my sweetie,,,,I'm so sorry I couldn't visit your page for Christmas,,,,it was just so painful, as all of you are gone now and it was my first Christmas alone without any of you, and I just couldn't handle it. I did put up lights and your stockings in the sunroom and house, and hope you visited and saw them. I miss you so, so much, and always will. In my heart, forever,,,,,Love and Light my boy,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX