5/15/19: Oh Polo, my beautiful, baby boy,,, my heart breaks for you. Today I made the decision to let you go,,,,oh how much I hated to,,but I had to face the fact that your fight was over, and oh how tired and weak you were from it. I can only hope all your ailments are gone now, and that you met with Onyx and are up and running around like you used to. |
You came into my life when I rescued your mom, China, who was abandoned and thrown into a dumpster. She was just a kitten and so emaciated, but had such a fighting spirit--I imagine that's where you got yours from too. As she started to gain weight, she got very round, and it was evident she was pregnant. She then gave me four beautiful boys, you and your three brothers. You were born in my bedroom at the farm, and then I brought you all here shortly thereafter. Boy, you guys were busy all day and night as kittens, and I didn't get much sleep, but it was all a lot of fun.
As you got older, you became the boss of your group,,,never too aggressive---but they all knew you were the king. Even the way you would sit---you would push out your chest as far as you could, and hold your head up as high as you could,,,, like royalty---regal. Such a funny boy too,,,you made me laugh every day.
Several years ago when you were diagnosed with diabetes, you were such a trooper about getting your blood checks and your insulin, even though you were pretty fussy about everything else and could never sit still for a minute. But you would lie right down with Gremlin and get prepared each time for your treatment. Such a good, good patient you were. And although in the past you had never been a fan of wet food, you started to eat all your breakfast and dinner, like you knew it was needed to help you.
Last year, you had a horrible tooth infection that swelled up your entire bottom jaw. You couldn't eat well and were miserable. As the vet couldn't see you due to your fear of everyone and your high anxiety, we started you on antibiotics, and I would hold you and put compresses on your jaw. You hated the meds, but you quickly figured out I was helping you, and you started to welcome the compresses. The jaw swelling subsided, and you were back to eating and your old self again. Long battle, but you pushed through.
Then a few months ago, you started to lose weight, and drink and pee a lot, and one day in January you were breathing quite fast and labored. The vet suspected CHF, which your brother Onyx had also, but also CKD. I started you on other special food for the CKD. You were then also put on Lasix and monitored, and we altered the dose as needed. You could not eat as much as usual, I imagine due to your breathing, and you lost a bit of weight. The Lasix made you drink so much, and your BGs shot up, so it was a balancing act of having you breathe comfortably vs keeping you from dehydrating too much. So challenging, but you dealt with all of it, even though you hated getting pilled.
After about two months of this, you started to get weak and went off your food, and your potassium went low, so I had to supplement you with that. You couldn't manage the pill, so I would crush it into wet food and syringe it to you, which you absolutely did not like. But it made a difference and once again you were back to eating your wet and dry foods.
Sadly,,,the past two weeks you crashed,,,you wouldn't eat not only your wet food, but went off your favorite dry as well, and then stopped drinking. You would go to the bowl, take one lick of water, and that was it. I tried syringing food and water to you multiple times, but to no avail---you started fighting too hard and that would make you start to have breathing problems. My heart sank, as I knew you could not sustain for long this way, and if I stressed you it could be a serious problem also. I have force fed others in the past and gotten them over humps and back to health, but this was a different situation due to your heart and breathing--I could not fight you past a certain point and stress you. I knew then it was in God's hands and out of mine.
I did the best I could to keep you comfortable, redoing the floor with blankets to help you walk so you wouldn't slide, and for comfort when you just couldn't walk far and needed to lie down. But within a very short time, you lost so much weight and muscle mass,,,,I cried every day. Amazingly, you were so tough, and kept getting yourself to the litter box, even though you were so weak, and even were still able to go out in your pen,,,,such a fighter,,,I just don't know how you did it. But that kept me going, as if you still wanted to fight, I was going to be right there with you.
But then, a few days ago, you stopped everything--no water, no food, no interest in treats,,,nothing,,,, and you started crying out, which you have never done in your life,,,,you were never even a big meow-er. I would lie with you and put my hand under your chin, and you would just let it drop and stare into my eyes,,, I knew then you had had enough of the fight, and I needed to be strong and make the one decision of love that is also the hardest,,,,end your suffering. And no matter how many times I've had to do that in the past, it rips my heart out each and every time. You guys are my heart, and a piece goes with each and every one of you when you have to leave.
I can only have hope that the life I was able to give you made you feel happy, made you feel safe, and made you feel loved, because that's what you gave to me. It's so hard at this time of sadness to not focus on the end, but it's all the years you have given me that need to be remembered. I love you with all my heart Polo and always will, and I hope you felt that while you were here and even where you are now. And although right now I feel like I failed you, I hope you know I did everything in my power and position to do.
I will always be grateful for all the love, laughs, and memories you gave me, and you will always, always, always, be in my heart. I love you my beautiful, regal boy,,,,Love and Light,,,,mommy XOXOXOXOXOXOX
You will be sad, I understand,
I know that now my needs you'll tend,
Do not grieve that it must be you
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven.
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
Your two bothers, Asia and Gremlin, and your mom China, are really, really having a hard time with you gone. They are pacing, and crying, and looking in every nook for you,,,,it is so sad and breaks my heart that I can't do anything to ease their pain. So although I know you are busy learning your new life, whenever you can, please come and comfort them somehow,,,they are so confused to where you went and miss you so much, and so do I.
I hope Onyx met you at the bridge and you are together. You know, he had the same battles you did with the diabetes and the CHF, but he had a passing that wasn't peaceful, unfortunately. But hopefully you are both free from fear and pain now, and happy running around together.
I set up your memorial with your urn and ashes with the others. My heart just keeps breaking with your loss,,,, I am so sorry we couldn't beat this, and I hope you know how much I'll always love and miss you, my beautiful baby boy. Love and Light always,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
5/18/19: Hi Polo,,,God how I miss you,,,the first time I had to feed the guys after your passing was a mess,,,I put your dish out and almost started getting your meds ready, and then it hit me and I just couldn't move. The second time I forced myself to remember, yet the same thing happened,,, I just froze. Then when your brothers started to look for you and cry, all these emotions of anger, pain, denial, etc, ran through me and I just wanted crawl into bed. But I had to remember that there are others who depend on me, and I had to keep going. Afterwards, I looked at some photos, and although it made me cry a river, it also made me remember all our good times together,,no worries, no sickness, no meds, no pain,,,, and I hope you remember all those times as well, and not the bad days. Sadly, I can still see your little head in my hand, looking me in the eye when I asked you if you were done fighting and seeing your answer,,,but that is one of the bad memories that actually helps a little because it reminds me you had had enough and needed relief. But oh how crushing it is that there wasn't any more I could do to help you. The realization we're only human and these things eventually get taken out of our hands,,, another part of life that's sucky. But you guys were put in my life for a reason, and I hope I gave you the best life a kitty could ask for. Be well again baby boy,,,,,I love you, miss you, and will always cherish our time. Love and Light baby,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXOX
10/17/19: Oh baby boy,,,I am so sorry I have not been able to come out to your page,,,I have been so sad and unable to cope with all the loss, and all the other things I'm going through,,,seeing the pages of all you guys was just too much for me to bear. But I hope you've heard me talk to you all the time and know how much I love and miss you,,,
Sadly, your brother Asia went to the bridge today, and I pray you and Onyx met him there,,,he needs to see you guys are okay, as he's been missing you so much. Please comfort him and let him know he'll be alright.
I hope you are back to your healthy, handsome self and running and playing with Onyx, and maybe even your cousins Lucky and Comet. Your brother Gremlin missed you so much, and Asia was doing his best to cheer him up. But now that Asia had to leave also, he's really sad and depressed, and needs you guys to visit him even more so now. Your mom has been trying to cheer him up, but it's you guys that were his playmates and he misses you all terribly.
I hope you can feel how much I love and miss you, as I'm sure you miss me as well,,,but we will all be together again someday. Until then, please hold me in your heart as you are forever in mine,,,,Love and Light baby boy,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
11/2/19: Hi my baby boy,,, oh how I miss you,,,and the way you would stare into my eyes,, I am still a mess inside and hope you know I did my best,,, it is way too difficult to watch any of you go from such vibrant health to fighting for one hour of feeling good each day, and I'm powerless to stop it, no matter how much I try. I hope still feel how much I love you, and oh how much I miss you. And I hope you met Asia at the bridge and you are together now along with Onyx, and that you are all healthy and pain free again. As you know, your brother Gremlin was a mess when you left, and he really leaned on Asia to help him through, but Asia was a mess also and could only do so much. But now that Asia had to go, Gremlin is out of his mind with grief--not eating, moping, searching----please come to him and comfort him, along with Asia, and let him know you're okay and that you're with him,,,,and me as well. I miss you so much my beautiful boy,,,you'll always be in my heart. Til I see you again,,,,Love and Light baby boy,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXXX
5/15/20: Hi sweetie,,,oh how I miss you. Today it has been one year since you went to the bridge,,,and no matter how many times I go through this, I can never believe how quickly times passes,,,I just can't believe you've been gone a whole year already. I hope you and Onyx met Asia at the bridge when he came, and that you are all healthy and playing with each other again. I also hope you were able to visit Gremlin, as he is still so lost without all his brothers,,,,it breaks my heart when he looks at me as if asking 'why?',,,and the sadness in his eyes,,,please come and comfort him when you can. Oh Polo,,each time I do Gremie's treatment, I see you behind him, lined up waiting for yours. You were such a good boy and patient,,to line up waiting to get your blood test and your insulin shot,,,what a brave, strong boy. Both of you are amazing, because the only way you'd do that is because you knew in your heart it was helping you. And for all the unpleasant stuff that went along with diabetes, the one good thing that came out of it was that bond--just heart to heart. Oh God how I miss the mischievous look in your eyes when you would hide behind a pole or bed, waiting to play tag with Gremlin or Asia,,and the way you would sit---all straight up with your chest puffed out, like the lion king. And oh how I miss how you would look at me,,with such knowing in your eyes. My baby boy,,,I hope you still feel all the love I have for you, and that you know you will be in my heart forever and ever. I can still feel your fur and smell your just-washed-baby smell :) I love and miss you so much my rollie pollie,,, Love and Light baby boy,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
5/15/21: Hi my sweet baby boy,,,,today you have been gone 2 years,,,and I still see your 'boo' face from time to time, and especially when I'm giving your brother Gremlin his insulin, as I miss how you used to line up behind him to get yours. You were such a good boy and patient, and oh how I miss those eyes looking into mine. And your head butts into my hand when you'd jump up like a pogo stick. Such a proud, regal, handsome boy,,,and how my heart still breaks thinking about what happened to you. None of you deserve the illnesses you suffered, and it's so sad because you guys can't even be told why so you don't understand, which makes it that much worse. And oh how your brother Gremlin misses you,,,even though you would be the tough guy with him now and then, he liked the playtime and knowing that you were there. As you may know, and I hope you met her, your mom went to the bridge just recently, and now Gremlin has lost his whole immediate family/group, and he is so, so lonely and depressed. I hope you still can visit him from time to time and let him feel you are still around him,,,,he really needs you guys, especially now.