Oh my sweet baby boy,,,I sit here trying to write, and all I can think is 'what happened?'. In early July you were thought to have CHF and you became diabetic. The treatment the vet prescribed seemed to be helping you, slowly but surely. You seemed to be doing much better the past two weeks. Then on Fri you weren't very hungry and your breathing was a bit rapid again. But Fri night you ate all your dinner! On Sat morning, you again came to eat but only took a few licks. I did not want to leave you,,but was forced to go to work as it was a new job and they would not let me take off. But there had been days even during your improvement that you were a bit off your food, so since your attitude seemed good, meowing and coming to me as usual, I told myself you would be okay. |
I came home from work and instead of going right to making up the dinner dishes for you guys, I looked in to see where you were. My heart stopped,,,as my eyes scanned the room, I saw your face lying behind a cat pole,,your eyes open. Since that was all I could see, I prayed maybe you were just resting, but then something told me it wasn't right. I tapped on the glass and everyone else raised their head,,,,except you. I went rushing in,,,and the sight of you ripped my heart out---you were twisted and looked broken. I broke down, then realized all your buddies were circling us, and knew I had to be strong for them as they were waiting for dinner. It was all I could do to pick you up and place you in the carrier box and keep going. It was such a horrible sight, and I can't get it out of my mind. It looked like you suffered, but the vet said that it was most likely a seizure, and that you would've been unconscious so would not have suffered. I can only pray and have faith that as bad as it looked, you did not suffer, as that would break my heart even more.
You were one of my more skittish babies, never letting anyone else touch you, and terrified if the vet came in. You'd run straight out the cat door into your run-out pen. But when she had to make her first visit, and I held you while she came in, you were so good, only trying to run a little bit, like you knew we were trying to help. And as adamant as you were about not having your ears touched, you let me do BG tests on you and let me give you the insulin. It was unbelievable. You would try to run, but only half-heartedly, like you just felt the love and knew I was trying to make you feel better. I was so thankful for that.
You were such a beautiful, sweet boy. Your little quiet meows at feeding time still whisper in my ears. It was so hard this morning and tonight when you were not there. Your brothers seem very confused,,,it makes me so sad to think they saw this happen to you, and had to see you lying there until I came home. They definitely miss you already and look at me as if to say 'where'd you take him?". Please let them know you're okay, and are whole and well again. That's all I can pray for and believe too. I'll never forget when I rescued your mom, who was pregnant with the four of you, and she gave birth to you in my bedroom. She was such a good mom to all four of you, and would carry you up one by one and place you in my bed. She has definitely seemed confused and sad without you here.
I took you to the crematory today and brought your ashes home. I asked the manager if they could reposition you, as I couldn't stomach trying to do it, but couldn't look at you that way. I thank God he was able to, and I got to see you and pet you and say goodbye before you went in. My Onyx, Oni (Ahni), Oni-Felani,,,,
I know it will take a lot of time before I stop looking for you, or putting your dish out with the others to prepare food. Please visit me and let me know you are okay, and please forgive me that I couldn't make you better,,,,we did try our best, but I guess God had other plans. I will never understand what happened, or why, especially after you seemed to be improving, but I guess there are some things we're just not meant to know,,,and I have to try to understand that you guys are on loan to us, but belong to God.
I hope although you didn't get to hang out with them, that Jettie, Comet, Ellie, and Slater met you and you are all well and together.
Please know how much I love you Onyx, and that you will always be in my heart. It took me so long to write all this, as I can't see through the tears, but I know you see me,,,,and know,,,,,
I'll love and miss you always sweet boy,,,,,Love and Light XOX,,,,Mommy
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
11/27/16: Hi sweetie,,,,I came on today to put up Christmas stockings on your pages, and to renew your cousin Slater's residency. I am still seeing you each morning and evening, and swear I still hear your little meows when I come in with the food dishes, and have flashbacks of the loving look in your eyes when you would look up at me. You were such a timid boy but pushed through that to trust me to do your blood tests and give you your insulin,,,,you obviously felt the love and knew I was only trying to help you. I sadly still see the image of how I found you,,,it was so horrible and still haunts me, and the only way I get past it is to try and believe you were seizing and did not know or feel anything. I can only hope and pray that was true, as the thought of you suffering at all rips my heart out. I know you are probably thinking how silly I am, as you are fine now, whole and healthy again, and somewhere in my heart I know that's true, but I'm still struggling with it and hope you know I tried my best to help you. I'll always miss your sweet eyes and little meows, and please know how much I love and miss you. Love and light sweet boy,,,,XOX
8/20/17: Hi my baby boy,,,it's been a year since you went away and I can't believe how it still feels like yesterday. I will never know what happened to you that day, and the horrible images still haunt me. But I've learned that our human minds sometimes keep us focused on the bad things---the illnesses, the pain, the day you leave---instead of focusing and remembering your LIFE---all the good times, happiness, and love. I have to keep you in my heart that way, no matter how much that day tries to sneak in. I love you sweetie, and I know you've probably by now met up with Precious, Lucky, and Brinnie, who went to the bridge after you. Your soft, sweet meow I still miss terribly,,,I love you Ony--Love and Light baby boy XOX.
11/23/17: Hi baby boy,,,it's Thanksgiving Day and although that has been a sad day for me over the past few years, I wanted to come out and say how grateful and thankful I am to have had you and the others in my life. As I told the others, we humans tend to focus on the end, the illness and sadness, but forget all the years of life you gave us, and all the laughs and love, so I am trying to stop thinking of the bad and just be happy for all the good. I love and miss you so much, and will always, and hope you know I will never forget you. Love and Light baby,,,XOX
12/25/17: Merry Christmas baby boy,,,,I wanted to let you know that a candle has been lit for all of you in your resting place to honor your lives and that your spirits live on. I love and miss you every day sweetie,,,,Love and Light,,,XOX
1/1/18: Hi Ony,,,today is New Year's Day and I came on to write on Jettie's page, as today is the day he passed two years ago. But I wanted to visit you and let you know how much I miss you every day, and that no matter how it happens, or how long goes by, the pain of your loss is still there with a hole in my heart that will never mend. But I am learning more and more to focus on all the love and happiness you gave me for so many years, instead of remembering the sad day of loss, as it is your life that deserves the attention and honor, not your passing. I hope you can feel the big hug and kiss I'm sending you,,,I'll love and miss you always,,,,Love and Light sweet boy,,,,XOX
5/27/18: Hi my sweet baby boy,,,,today is one year since Precious left and I came on to write for her anniversary, and wanted to say hello to you and everyone. I so miss your little faint meows and the look of wonderment you'd always give me. I feel Polo and Gremlin still look at me as if asking 'where is Onyx?". Please come and comfort them and let them know you're okay. I hope you are happy and well, and please know you will always be in my heart. Love and Light baby boy,,,,XOX
8/20/18: Hi my baby boy,,,,today you have been gone two years. I try so hard to get the image of how I found you out of my head but it's so hard,,,,it breaks my heart when I lose one of you, but to find you like that just broke me mentally too. As humans, we connect visually to the form that we knew, so it's very hard, but I have forced myself to realize that it was just your physical body here and that your soul is safe and sound. I guess just never knowing if you suffered and I wasn't there to try to help is the hardest part, but then again, I may not have been able to help or stop it anyway. Oh how I miss your tiny meow,,,, and I want to thank you for being so brave and trying to let me help with your diabetes and heart issues, since you were usually a skitty boy, but somehow you knew you had to be brave and get your treatments. I'm just so sorry it wasn't enough and God took you back. I only wish he could have done it in a more gentle way. I guess we'll never know the 'why's" of these things, and can only hope you're happy and healthy and hanging out with Lucky. I love and miss you so much baby and always will,,,,Love and Light baby boy,,,,XOX
9/29/18: Hi guys,,,,I came out just to say hello to all of you, as I feel you so much in the sunroom lately, and Precious--I feel you in Thomas' eyes every time he looks at me. I miss you all SO much,,,,every one of you had something so unique,,, and I remember everything we shared together and how you made me feel so lucky to be able to care for you. Please be with me now, as I'm sure you know I am fighting for the rest of us here and our home, and I need all the love and strength you can send. Always know how much you all mean to me, and how much I love and miss you every single day. Tears flow, but through them I try to smile by remembering all the good years of love and laughs and fun. All of you will forever be in my heart. Love and Light babies,,,,XOX
12/25/18: Hi baby,,,,it's Christmas and I'm missing you and all the others who have passed. As you know, except for my brief visit with my sister every Christmas, since my mother passed all I've had are you guys to cheer me up and get me through. I hope you know I still love you so much and always, always will. Merry Christmas Onyx,,,,Kisses, hugs,,,,Love and Light,,,XOXOXOX
1/26/19: Hi baby boy,,,,I'm sorry I didn't come out on New Years,,,I was so depressed and sad I just couldn't bear visiting everyone. I hope you heard me tell you Happy New Year and how much I love and miss you. Love and Light sweetie,,,,XOXOX
5/15/19: Hi my baby,,,,,today your brother Polo went to the bridge, and I hope you were able to meet him there. As maybe you know, he was so sick and fought so hard, just like you did. I hope you are both together now, sickness-free and playing once again,,,my two beautiful, black, long-haired boys. I love and miss you so much Onyx,,,,Love and Light baby boy,,,,XOXOXOXOXOX
8/20/19: Hi sweetie boy,,,,today it's been three years since you had to go,,,I can't understand how time can seem to stand still,,,I still see your beautiful eyes and feel your soft fur,,,,I do have to force myself not to remember the bad day, when you left and I found you, and the horrible thought that you had suffered,,,because that was only one day and I need to honor your whole life, and all the love, laughter, and smiles you gave me. I can only hope you are healthy and running and playing again. I miss you so much Onyx, but know that we will be together again someday. I love you baby boy and you will always be in my heart,,,,Love and Light,,,XOXOXOXOXOXXX
10/17/19: Hi my sweet boy,,,,Today your brother Asia went to the bridge,,,,I hope you and Polo were able to meet him there, as he really needs you to comfort him and let him know he'll be okay. Also, Gremlin is so sad, as now he has lost all his brothers. I have been trying to comfort him, and your mom China has been trying to cheer him up, but he really needs you guys to comfort him and help him through this. Please come visit when you can and let him know you're okay.
I hope you hear me when I talk to you, and hope you know how much I love and miss you,,,you will forever be in my heart baby boy,,,,,Love and Light always,,,,XOXOXOXOXOX
8/20/20: My sweet baby boy Oni,,,today it has been 4 years since you left, and my heart still aches. Oh how I miss your little meow, and the way you'd look at me for comfort, as you were always so timid and afraid of a lot of things,,,I would hold you and kiss you and tell you you'd always be safe here and I would never let anyone hurt you. Yet when one of you gets sick and there is no more hope for treatment, or you are taken suddenly, I always feel I have let you down, although I know that is out of my control. I can only hope you know, and feel, how much I loved you when you were here, and how much I still love you even though I can no longer see or touch you,,,,and that will never stop. My heart is in each and every one of you, and you are in mine, always and forever. I am so grateful to have rescued your mom, who gives me happiness every day, and she gave me you and your three brothers, who all in your individual ways gave me love, laughs, and smiles for so many years. Onyx, I am so sorry for whatever happened to you, and I hope you are whole, happy, and running and playing with Polo and Asia, and maybe even Lucky and Comet :) I love and miss you so much my baby boy,,,please know you will always be in my heart. Love and Light baby boy,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX