My sweet boy, it has only been 6 days since you had to leave. Six awful, tearful, empty days. I miss you so much. Everywhere I look, I expect to see you. I miss you staring at me while I eat my morning yogurt, as you wait your turn to lick the container, and how I always laughed at your face covered in blueberry yogurt until you had used your big paws to lick and wipe it all away. Most of all, I miss holding you and stroking your silky hair and hugging you tight and kissing your sweet head. |
Today I mopped and vacuumed for the first time since you left us, and I came upon a few soft gray furballs from your undercoat. I treasure them and put them in a little box. How I wish you were here to shed all over the rugs and furniture. I wouldn't care at all, if only, if only.......I could hold you just one more time.
I want to tell your story my angel, but it hurts too much right now. So I will just leave you in this lovely place, where I can visit when I'm feeling better. I love you, my Nicky and your dad and I miss you more than words can say.
May 30, 2010
My precious Nick, we went to Church this morning, just like last Sunday, only you weren't here this afternoon when we returned. I wish I could have known that last Sunday would be your final full day with us. I would never have let you out of my sight, and I would have stayed up all night holding you and snuggling with you. We could have watched the sun come up together, and the birds and squirrels gather at the feeder. If only my love could have healed your failing heart.
My angel, when we returned last Sunday, you came into the kitchen to greet us, but then you went to lie back down. After I changed clothes, I came to pet you and noticed you were breathing a little heavily. But you had been doing that periodically ever since we almost lost you to heart failure three weeks ago. "Nick needs to see the vet tomorrow," I told your dad. You slept all afternoon, but at dinnertime, you came into the kitchen and checked out your dish. My heart leapt with joy when you gobbled up your food (and your pill) so eagerly. I thought you must be feeling much better.
Darling Nicky, I am so glad that I spent the rest of the evening lying on the floor beside you, stroking your long, dark, silky hair. You seemed better. You were more alert, and you even thrust out your paw to grab my slipper when I walked by. Silly boy! That was a new trick you had thought up in recent months.
Later that night, we snuggled in the recliner like we always did after your dad went to bed. You seemed a bit restless, like you couldn't get comfortable, and eventually, you got down. I put you on the dining room chair -- your new favorite spot -- and you went to sleep. Goodnight, my Nicky. And I kissed you.
Monday morning, I overslept. Where were you? You hadn't appeared in my room to meow that special greeting which meant, "Get up, Mom." I could see through the shades that your dad was sitting at the patio table. But you weren't there either. You weren't lying all over the newspaper as usual.
Concerned, I jumped out of bed and went to find you. You were still on the dining room chair, although your dad said you had already enjoyed breakfast and your morning brushing. You greeted me with purrs and that sweet little trilling sound, but when I left the room, you didn't follow me.
"Nick needs to see the vet right away," I told Noel. Unfortunately, I had an appointment in the city, so I decided to stay behind and get ready. Afterall, you had been much sicker when we almost lost you the first time.
I carried you to your dad's truck, stopping by the kitchen window so that your could look at the garden fountain and the pretty pink roses on the sill. You always loved me to show you things.
I so much wanted to go with you, but I wasn't dressed, and I wanted you to get to the vet as soon as possible. After you left with your dad, I began to cry. I cancelled my appointment. My heart knew what I wouldn't allow myself to think.
Your dad was back with you in less than 30 minutes, with new meds and reassurance from the vet that your lungs were clear. But he had no sooner put you down on the kitchen floor than you began panting and making little gasping noises.
We grabbed you and wrapped you in a towel and jumped into the truck. We were back at the vet in five minutes, but I knew we were going to lose you. You struggled desperately to breathe.
The vet met us outside and took you from my arms -- the last time you would ever be in them.
While your dad and I waited on the porch, the vets gave you oxygen and monitored you. After about 20 minutes, one of them came to tell us that you weren't responding. But I already knew. I knew when I saw you in the kitchen...... Maybe I knew the night before when I was lying beside you, and you looked at me, a long, steady, penetrating gaze. I was almost startled by the intensity of it. You had never done that before.
"He's suffering," she said. There was one more thing I could do for you.
You were lying on a metal table in a treatment room, an oxygen cone over your face, but you were still panting. Oh Nicky! I'm so sorry.
I could only stand by your side and kiss your back and slip my hand close to your head. I love you my boy. You are the best boy. My sweet Nicky. Thank you; thank you for everything. I will love you forever. Go to sleep now, my baby. Go to sleep....
May 31, 2010
My little angel, today has been so very sad, because it was one week ago that you left us. I cried many tears, and somehow, you seemed more absent today than during the past week. Your leaving seems so much more final, now that we will count it in weeks instead of days.
Your dad got some pine straw to cover your grave until we can choose a beautiful flowering bush to plant on it. I will buy a marker that says something special, and there will always be flowers. We love you so.
As sad as today was, two wonderful things happened that made me hopeful that you really are near.
I told God this morning that it would help so much if I could only know that you were still here, and that you could see us. When I checked your guest book, only one person had signed today, but it was a wonderful lady who shared a poem, and the poem was like an answer from God, for it told me the very things I had asked for -- that you are still with us and that all of creation endures forever.
Then, your dad, usually so quiet in his grieving, told me that while he was driving home this afternoon, your song -- your Rainbow Bridge song, "I will always love you," began playing on the radio. Now Nicky, what are the odds of that! So many songs I could have chosen; your dad being in the truck at the moment it was playing; the day being the anniversary of your leaving us.
Now, it can't be a coincidence. It is the infinite love and compassion of God comforting us in our sorrow, and giving us hope that you indeed live on with Him -- doing your famous "handstands" with the angels, until we can all be together again. We love you so, our precious Nicky.
June 7. 2010
My precious Nicky, today marks two weeks since you left us. You are so deeply missed! Your dad bought a slab of slate to place over your grave, and a special drill bit so that he can carve into the slate some things we would like to say about you. We plan to plant flowers around the slate marker so that you will have a beautiful resting place. We love you so much.
Today, I went through some alblums, and pulled out photos of you. They brought back so many wonderful memories. I plan to scan them into the computer, and then upload them to your page. Since you adopted us when you were about 6 months old, we don't have any real kitten pictures of you. There are a few when you were about a year old, and you were much smaller than you grew to be over the next couple of years. You were so handsome, my love. I had forgotten the beautiful ruff you had when you were a young cat. Your tail was much fuller and fluffier then as well. But, you "legendary beauty" remained with you till the end of your life. One thing that disappoints me is that your eyes photograph as a yellowish color, but they were the most beautiful pure green. I miss seeing them so much.
When the vet gave you that last shot, I was standing behind you. How I wish I could have been in front of you, so that I could have been the last thing you saw with those magnificent eyes. They were still open when you were gone. I could see that much from where I stood. Oh dear sweet Nicky, I hope that you heard my voice, and all the loving things I said as you left us, and I pray you felt your dad's and my touches as we stroked and caressed you in those last moments.
I wish that I could write more today, but I have a bad headache. It's getting very hot and humid here. I found another small tuft of your hair today, and I kept it of course. It's all I have left of you now -- except my memories.
I am not crying so much these days. It is just hard to live with the awful emptiness of not having you around. Like right now, you would be on my lap and I would snuggle down with you and put an ice pack on my head for awhile. Just being near you always made me feel better.
You are absolutely irreplaceable my precious boy. I do want to love another cat again, and I believe I can -- just not as much as I love you. I miss our morning ritual so much, and the way I would let you into the kitchen and you would stretch out on your favorite rug, and I would often sing happy songs to you so that you would feel welcomed and loved each morning. I remember often singing, "Welcome to my world, won't you come on in....." You put up with all my foolishness so patiently: all the crazy nicknames, the rhymes I loved to make up, and the stories I told you about your mom and brothers and sisters -- even though your were a stray and I knew nothing about where you came from. But it was fun to sit you on my lap and talk to you, and you listened with interest, it seemed.
Thank you, my Nicky for being the perfect cat for me and for your dad. He too misses you so much. I will never forget you my darling. I pray that the Good Lord allows you to be near, perhaps still able to see and hear us. If I could look into your beautiful face one more time, I would tell you that your life had been a total joy, and that you had done so well -- bringing such happiness and love and affection and laughter into our lives. Yes, Nicky, your life was beautiful, and thank you for sharing it with us. We love you forever my sweet boy. xoxo
November 28, 2010
Precious Nicky, you have been gone six months and four days now. I hate the passing of time, because it puts more distance between us. It has been so long now since I've held you and buried my face in your magnificent fur, or looked into your exquisite green eyes.
Winter is coming, and Christmas as well. I posted some pictures from your last Christmas with us here on your page tonight. I remember how much you loved to lie beneath the Christmas tree -- especially near the manger, as though you knew its significance. You will be missed unbearably this Christmas.
Nicky, it is time for me to take out the big blue afghan. I haven't washed it since last winter. You loved it so much. Do you remember how as soon as you saw it on the chair, you would jump up immediately? You loved the feel and warmth of it. Although you knew you weren't allowed on the fancy sofa, sometimes I would place the blue afghan there, and then you would jump up, like it was a special treat.
Somehow, my Nicky, somehow, I thought you would always be here -- maybe because I couldn't bear the thought of not having you around. I love you so much. Not a day passes that you aren't in my thoughts, and your pictures are always nearby. I still grieve so deeply for you. I don't know if that grief will ever end. You were so perfect, my baby. You were a gentle and kind and giving little guy. You never made demands, and you were always so grateful for everything -your food, a tummy rub, your brushings, the hugs I gave you. You were truly a beloved and dear friend to me, my angel.
My Christmas wish is that you are waiting somewhere for me, and that in eternity with God, where everything will be made new, I hope to find you again. As I rejoice and celebrate the birth of Jesus, I remember that he said, "not a sparrow falls to the ground without your heavenly Father knowing it..." And He knows about you too, my Nicky, and you are in His Loving Care.
I love you, and I still shed tears for your. Your truly were the best cat there ever could be!
January 13, 2011
My angel Nicky, this is your birthday month, as far as we could tell -- or at least the vet could estimate. You would be 16 years old by now. Oh Nicky, how I wish you were here to celebrate. I always thought you would live to be about 18 or so.
Until those final weeks, you always seemed so healthy, and stayed so beautiful and playful. I will never forget that loud and lovely purring you greeted me with on your last morning. How could I know if would be the last time!
My Nicky, you have taught me to treasure what I have each day, and to take nothing for granted -- I always thought you would be there. It's so hard that you're not! I love you my baby boy.
Happy Birthday, Nicky! Run fast and free! Lie in this sunshine and roll in the grass. Be wonderfully happy, because you so deserve it. You were simply a little furball of love! I love you forever.
March 7, 2011
Precious Nicky, it is almost spring here at your home. I wanted your Rainbow Ridge resting place to reflect that. I love coming here and changing your toys and flowers around. My sweet little boy, you are never forgotten. Yesterday, I came across some old pictures of you when you were about two years old. You were simply gorgeous, and lying across your dad's lap. You were always so relaxed, so calm with us. You trusted us so completely. And we loved you with all of our hearts.
I am dreading May and the anniversary of your death. I don't want it to be a year yet. I don't want to be without you for so very long. I miss the joy you always brought to my heart.
You helped me to start each morning with a smile, and with a feeling that I meant the world to one furry little guy. You were so joyful, so sweet, so gentle, my Nicky. What a miracle that you wandered into our yard as a kitten, and we were so blessed to have such a special and beautiful boy for 15 years. I love you baby. I may not write as often as I once did, but never a day goes by without my remembering you and loving you. Happy Spring, darling Nicky. Enjoy the breezes, the flowers, the earth renewing itself. If only you could come back to me.
March 17, 2012
Spring has arrived early this year. All the flowers have almost finished blooming, and it has been unusually warm since February. And, as spring approaches, so does the anniversary of your leaving us.
Nicky my love, I miss you as much now as that first day you left us. I truly never pass a day without thinking of you...and missing you so much. You were the most lovable cat I can imagine. I have so many wonderful memories of you. Once in a great while, I will see you in a dream. The last time, you turned to look at me with your amazing green eyes. I hated waking up.
Yesterday, I ordered two books about animals going to Heaven. I just have to believe that you are there, waiting for me. The Good God surely has a plan for His innocent little creatures, so that they too will spend eternity with us. I look forward to reading the books. I hope I will find some comfort in them.
Truly my angel, I will always carry a wounded place in my heart...that place which still aches so much for you. I find consolation in knowing that you no longer suffer. That would be unbearable. But no longer can I see and hug and love on you, and that is a constant ache I carry within me.
Thank you my baby, for being the sweetest boy ever, and for filling my life with so much comfort and affection. I love you forever...just like your song says. I will probably never change it, because I can't imagine what else I would rather say to you. Yes, I love you forever and will never, ever forget you. xoxo
May 15, 2012
Today I renewed your Rainbow Bridge residency for another year...another sad year without you. As May 24 approaches, I dread the thought that you have been gone for two whole years. I still miss you like it was only yesterday that you left.
My darling Nicky, the last years of your life were the most special to me, when I had more time to spend with you, and we formed such a close bond. You were the sweetest most loving cat I could ever imagine. That is why it is so very hard to ever recover from losing you.
But you deserve to be remembered always, and as long as I can, I will keep your page here current, so that there will be a place for you...a place to celebrate your precious little life.
Truly, not a day goes by without my thinking of you, and I still cry sometimes. I don't often visit your grave in the backyard, as it makes me very sad to be there. Your dad has planted pink flowers around it, and they are blooming now.
Your little brother is quite a character. He "talks" all the time and loves to drink water using his paw as a "cup." We love him, but he's very different from you. You Nicky, are the most precious to me of all the pets I have ever owned.
I hope that you still exist someplace...hopefully in Heaven, waiting there for me and your dad.
Like the song says: I will always love you... I will, Nicky. I will. I miss you so!
May 5, 2013
My darling boy, it is time to renew your residency here. How very sad I am when May rolls around and I must count another year that has passed since you left us. You are never forgotten my beautiful boy. I love you so much. It is sad to come here...to only be able to remember you, and not hold you again or stoke your beautiful silky hair.
Spring is here now, but it's cooler than usual. We changed the floors in the house, and replaced the carpet with hardwood. I wonder what you would have thought. You would have missed lying on the soft carpet, I think. But, my lap would have always been waiting.
Thank you, Nicky, for so many wonderful moments that you gave to your family...and especially to me. I will always cherish your memory. I'll be back soon my wonderful boy. I love you always.