March 23, 2019|
My heart is terribly broken, my body is still numb, momma's grief is deep, and I still cannot believe that you have been gone 8 weeks this week on May 23rd. I am only finding the strength to make your Rainbow Bridge memorial now. Your furry sister, Belle is always sad and depressed too and missed seeing you in the house. Belle sits at your favorite couch looking outside and seem to be waiting for you. She may be thinking that you are just in the hospital and will be coming home home soon. Momma's calling your name is not helping her as much as I try not too. My eyes starts welling with tears which I try to hide each time I hear that instrumental music, Song for Sienna being played, your favorite lullaby when I let you sleep in my arms. I am terribly hurting and badly broken since we said good bye to you on that beautiful, sunny and cool Spring day on that grassy area near the creek behind your hospital. We chose to say good bye to you outdoors rather than a small room inside the hospital.
I am determined to tell your beautiful story but struggling to get started and or even get it completed. You and your sister, Belle came into our lives in a matter of months after losing our first furry baby, Duchess to acute leukemia. Despite chemo and five blood transfusions, we lost her within 5 weeks on March 28, 2006. Our rescue Duchess was just 4 years old. The pain of losing her was intense and I swore not to have another pet in the house ever again. My one and only child, Laura who was in grade school at the time did not allow that. She found and fell in love with 6-month old Tzu we named her Dora Belle. Without realizing that on the day we picked her up, 07/02/06 was actually Duchess' 5th birthday, just 4 months after losing her. In fact I said to her .. that your momma is still grieving the loss of Duchess and it was too soon to have another one. My Laura fell in love with Belle who is a beautiful girl with golden fur and black mask. Belle turned 13 years early this year, on Jan 28th. I also told my daughter that if and when I decide to have another furry baby.. it has to be white and gold just like our Duchess. Three months later, our little white and gold 10 week-old Shih Tzu puppy, who is Belle's half sister joined our family in October '06. My daughter named her Melody for her love of music. Our house was once again alive and filled with many happy moments .. many puppy kisses for over a decade. Our babies birthdays are always a big celebration.
Then in mid October 2017, our little girl Melody now 11 years old had not been playing with her sister and has been sleeping a lot. A trip to her Vet found a deep ulcer on her right eye. We drove out of town for over an hour early the next day to get her to the first eye specialist who had the first available opening. Melody's both eyes were diagnosed with glaucoma. Her right eye ulcer had nicely healed. Applying 7-8 prescription eye drops to both eyes was a challenge. Melody saw her opthalmologist every two weeks where her ocular pressure was monitored. It was during one this visits, that her eye specialist indicated that Melody had a very high fever of 104 not connected to her eyes at the same time she did not have her usual appetite. We were instructed to go to her primary Vet with no delay. Melody's abdominal X-ray laboratory results were not normal. She was immediately transferred and admitted to a VCA Specialty Hospital for more diagnostic tests. I agreed to the emergency surgery where her necrotizing spleen and blood clots were removed. She was admitted to intensive care for a week - on oxygen and tube feeding. She was discharged after a week, her appetite was back and her incision with 19 staples healed well. Melody was diagnosed with chronic (slower cancer growth) lymphocytic leukemia. Her blood lab work was weekly. She was home with a number of medications that her momma kept a chart so I don't miss a dose both for her eyes and system. Her white blood count (WBC) was not high enough to start the chemotherapy. Meanwhile her glaucoma on the right eye worsened, and my little fighter had eye surgery just before Thanksgiving 2017. I did not allow her eye specialist to remove her eye ball as she was still recovering from the abdominal surgery .. her optic nerve was killed instead (almost like a root canal for the eye). Though still having her right eye, that side was now completely blind but my little girl adjusted so well even with just one sight.
We were able to celebrate our Thanksgiving and Christmas 2017, and her sister Belle's birthday on Jan 23rd. Melody's WBC abruptly elevated so she started her first chemotherapy in March 2018. Her oncologist advised that if she responds to chemotherapy, we can still enjoy her for the rest of her life span. Her specialist simply said to us ... enjoy each day that we have with this precious little one. We celebrated her 12th birthday last Aug 18th, 2018. Our little fighter responded to her first chemo drug Chlorambucil so well for almost a year up until the last week of October last year. A new chemo drug was given to her but the drug made her sick. My little Melody was again admitted for a week at VCA hospital exactly one year from her last hospitalization; she did not respond too well on her second chemo drug - giving her fever and no appetite. She was treated with strong antibiotics along with many other drugs. My baby was determined to be well again and was discharged a week later. She spent the most beautiful Thanksgiving and Christmas 2018 with her family. And again celebrated her sister Belle's 13th birthday last January. Melody was doing so well! Her oncologist would only say.. enjoy each moment with her; she will let us know when she has enough and giving up. A week after her sister's birthday this past January 2019. She was doing so well with good appetite, making her home cooked meal, her favorite boiled brocolli and chicken breast. She slept a lot. We spent most of the day just cuddling and listening to soft instrumental piano music. Melody was back and admitted to VCA for the third time since she was diagnosed with CLL. She was eating at home, but with low energy..her liver is enlarged due to Prednisone. Everyday with my little girl is a great blessing! I thank God each time she ate her meal.
Melody had her routine eye check up on March 20th to monitor her eye pressure. Little did I know that it was going to be her last. She stopped eating the following day, and slowly giving up. My eyes welling with tears. My baby is giving up her 17 months fight. Leukemia has claimed the life of both of my babies. I am devastated. It is not fair. Why, God? I'm still not over this grief. Belle is always sad and clingy. She always want to be with her Momma. She's missing her sister, I know. Until I see you again little one. I kiss your urn few times a day and talk to you. I'll never have another one like you. I miss you so much it hurts.
I miss feeling you by my feet when during breakfast and dinner times. You'll just sit not begging but in hope that Momma will share with you that chicken or eggs, your favorite. Whenever I was in the kitchen making dinner, you'd be awaken in your sleep for smelling that chicken dish. How do you even know that I was making chicken when you're sleeping? Then you'll start walking slowly toward me almost creeping so as not to wake your sister Belle up. You'll just sit pretty for the longest time. Oh how I miss all this my sweet girl. My Melly, Girl, Peach, Peat, Peating, Scruff, Tinky, Scruffy, Baby... oh your many nicknames but you knew them all. I miss braiding your beautiful and soft long hair.. fixing your top knot with your many beautiful bows.
The day I let you go and set you free was the most painful day. I watched you struggle breathing and that was the sign you gave Momma .. that you're giving up. We listened to our favorite piano instrumental music all night long. I kept crying as I watched you sleep while I held your paw.Tears and more tears.Your one and only human sister, Laura spent the night at our house with her own two rescues, your buddies Scottie and Sophie. I thanked the Good Lord you made it through the night. The following day, your final morning - you had a good helping of your favorite pancake and banana for breakfast. I still gave your morning medicines and eye drops. I didn't want you to have that glaucoma headache. I
I was on the phone with your Vet all morning trying to get someone to come to our house, so that we could say good bye to you, at our house - your home for over 12 years since you came to us as a 10 week old puppy .. for at home euthanasia. I could not find a Vet no one was available that Saturday. I contacted your VCA Hospital and learned that Dr Cullen was working. She was the specialist who first admitted you in November 2017 when you were too sick. Dr Cullen loved you just as much as we did. I requested that she performed an outdoor euthanasia instead of inside the hospital room. Behind the hospital was a beautiful grassy area near the creek. Dr Cullen was so nice to allow us to spend as much time with you. We spread your big blanket on the grass, with your human family - Daddy, big sister Laura, and your furry sister Belle, your furry friends Scottie and Sophie. Momma had your favorite Cake but you didn't care for it anymore. It was a beautiful sunny, and cool Spring day. Daddy took you in his arms and walked along the creek. We took many photos and videos. I hate to let you go.. my heart ached and tears won't stop rolling down my cheeks. This was the most painful act but filled with love for you, my little one. I can't bear to see you suffer any longer. I talked to you one last time and whispered .. "Give Momma a sign when you have crossed over the Rainbow Bridge."
Momma loved you way too much. Thank you for the best 12 1/2 years you gave us. I write this, my eyes welling with tears, as always. Until I see you again, Peach.. and when that happens, we will never part again, I promise you, Little Girl. I feel you in my heart. Play with Duchess and your furry parents, Justice and Cassie.. your furry grandma, Molly. I miss your wet kisses on my face so bad. I find comfort in the thought that you're a happy, healthy and young puppy again! I love and miss you so bad, Scruff 🐾💔😭😢 Momma
My Little One: It's hard believe and difficult to accept that we said good bye to you and set you free from your pain and suffering 3 months ago. I am still having a terrible time,so does your sister Belle. She has been clingy to me. She barks and goes upstairs I think looking for you. Belle would spend most of her time on top of the couch over looking the street. She seem to be waiting for you to come home. That was how she was when you were in the hospital, you'd always come home and Belle would be there to welcome you home. Not this time, I told her that you are in heaven, happy and not sick anymore. Of course I don't know if she understood that.
Thank you you visiting Momma in my dreams twice now since you crossed over the Bridge. I talk to you inside that beautiful oak urn. I continue to look up the blue sky on a nice day looking for your face in the clouds. I spotted you once, Sweet Baby. Thank you! I can't help it but cry. I miss you so much. I haven't wash the pillow case you last slept on my bed on your final night. I saw you kissed and licked that pillow on you last night with Momma. So I still have that pillow with me at night. I am still very much broken, and I don't know for how long. I will just take my time however long it takes, my Peach.
Watch over your sister, Belle most of all because she cannot speak to me. I started a routine with her in the morning after her breakfast, I take her for a walk around our culdesac while I push the stroller. And she rides the stroller back to the house. You know she has arthritis. She expects this everyday now after breakfast she knows that she'll be taking a walk outside and ride the stroller after.
It is summer now. In the past, you would be with Momma and your sister, Belle in the patio enjoying the afternoon breeze. We all would be in the backyard watching our trees bear fruits. Late in the summer, we will be all out there to pick our first harvest of peaches, pears, then apples. It's just Belle and Momma sitting in the patio most of the time now. We both miss you so much. Play with all your new friends and family at the Bridge. I will continue to hug you in my heart.
When golden eyes no longer glow,
Don't look at me with eyes so sad,
When sunlight did upon us shine,
And through the grass we both did run,
Think not of this dark final hour,
Think not of hopelessness and pain,
For in that final act of love,
Where finally from pain I'm free,
Where together again we will rejoice,
Will in perfect harmony sing,
And remember me just as I will,
At last again I see your face,
My dear Little One,
It's hard to believe that 6 months have passed since we set you free on that cool, sunny and breezy afternoon on the grounds near a creek of the hospital that cared for you for 17 months.
Please also visit DUCHESS.