I didn't sense you when you passed. Just cold, empty, nothing. I felt everything beating inside me like a can full of coins. Loud and peltering my heart and my thoughts. Where are you? That's all I wanted to know? Are you OK? How could I not be there when you passed? And only by a moment or two, I missed your last breath. That warm, sweetheart heave we shared every morning at prayer time. Oh, God, my prayer companion, how I miss you at prayer time!|
I know now, a week later, that an "echo" of you is here, but you are truly home with The Lord, our Lord. I know you longed to be in your true master's house and didn't have a choice but to go when it was time, but I just wished we would've had a little more time together, mamas. The reason for my hope to go on is that I hope to be with you again soon. Everytime I left for church I'd say, "time to go see Jesus, He's the one who takes care of us, but I'll be back, I always come back." Now, you get to say it. And I have to wait. Mamas, little present from Jesus. I am so glad you are not sick and suffering anymore. You we're so brave and cheerful, right to the end. We all miss the heart of our family, Godiva, Luke, Leia, we all,are trying to go on and be happy for you.
I will come back and say more special things to you, Baby.
Monday in Holy Week, 3-31-15, four weeks since you passed...I have come and lingered here so many times trying to find the words to express my pain, my love, my loss. I wished I would've written more down. It was the first Monday in Lent when you left. God chose my lent for me, and your mommy. I picked up your remains Friday. Marla and Jen were so sweet! We got your foot and nose print. In the shape of a heart! Your gift to Moni. I sensed you more so, and I felt some peace with it all. I had spent the previous Sunday just feeling all these songs from the past and sending you parts or all of their messages to you and hoping your were feeling them for me too. We shared such a close bond. All of us needed you. The heart and soul of our little family just went out. You gave us all you had! It breaks my heart. I love you so much, mamas. So, all those songs are in my heart and on my ipad now, so Nana can sing to you. Remember how you loved to dance?
They are like jewels in a treasure box that I open to be with you in my heart. It's still hard not to cry, esp., when I pray, my little prayer dog. I know you are with Jesus, I just have to have that hope! I continue to work on your memorial inside and outside, but outside is my favorite. We loved being outside. The walks are good with the twinkies. They miss you so much too. I try to love them for you. I think they sense you more than I do.
Well, Nana has to go to work. I'm so glad you don't have to go through all that in the morning with me anymore. I know you hated me leaving you. I'm so glad you're not sick anymore. I still wait for every wind, every breeze, every raindrop, every flower, as a sign from you, my schweetie, schweetie.
Friday, July 17th, 2015. I had been meaning to return and write to you, but the busy-ness of life, the difficulty of focusing my pain into words could not happen until today. You are NEVER far from my thoughts, but a guest who signed your resident page prompted me to come back. Besides, as you know from years past, I am home on vacation and much more collected. I always looked forward to our summers together more than anything in the world. I couldn't wait to be off for us to be together...how often I wish we could've had one more summer together. Every single morning, nay, several times a day, I go to my heart to find you. I know when I think of you, I might find you. I know when I pray, I definitely will find you.
Every single thread of your life is connected to me. I mull over each one, discerning, discarding, keeping, and trying to make sense of it all. I have continued to keep you close by external means, too. I have such a fear of forgetting you, my dahling. I bought a charm bracelet and placed all charms, piece by piece, of what you loved. I also have a long chain necklace around my neck with a pendant and heart that read, "always in my heart." I add to your garden with things that show how beautiful you were/are. I keep a lantern in every spot of yours at night. Some mornings are so painful; some walks are, too. I just talk to you as if you were there with all of us. I pray in a special spot for you and all those at the Bridge. I pray for their owners, and especially for those whom I met in the Pet Loss Support. You see what good you have done?
So, many little incidents throughout the day, the past few months...19 weeks...like I found an angel holding a pet that I thought I had lost years ago. I sensed God was trying to let me know you are safe with His Angels. Or, our recent vet visit, where he was probably so moved by your death, that he finally purchased the equipment he didn't have then, that may have saved you, or at least, given us more time. Everywhere you went, you gave of yourself. So kind and gentle to all. Everyone just loved you at first sight. I still struggle, but I have more peace now. I believe I will see you again one day. The jersey I won in a contest showed me that God hears every prayer, and that my biggest prayer right now is to hope you are happy, and that I will see you again. I love you, baby, and I will have to revise and write later because all my emotions are taking over again. If you were here, you'd immediately sense that and try to find tears, even before they spring up! So, I know it's not just the salt you craved! That's to all the naysayers...
August 4, 2015, Lazy Tuesday afternoon, one of those days where we would just be happy to all lie around the house together. God, I miss you. But, I had to write down what had happened the other day because I knew it was from you and God. A message, a beautiful message, a message that rests between the two worlds: this and the next. Some call it the twilight zone, weird connotation. I prefer to call it an uplifting space and time, small and brief, filled with hope, and a glimpse of the reality that exists between the two.
You know how I doubted the bridge. I am so skeptical. So many years of believing wrong things, I just want to stay safe with Jesus. I'm still not all sure, no one is, really, but it's nice to know when God speaks to us in ways we understand, even if it's not meant for anyone else. It gave me more peace to know you are safe with Him and waiting there for us. I love you, baby, always, always in my heart.
October 4, 2015, Sunday, you would have been ten today! Along with the twinkies. It was rainy day, just like the day you died. I just had to come in and share my love for you. A needle in my heart now. A true love. We love you so much baby. All of us. At least the twinkies made to ten. And we have the baby, Lido Diddo. Although I don't think you ever really like her taking all our attention. She was a gift for you. You always came first. Always. I hope you are happy in heaven at the bridge. Romeo just joined you. I know you are with St. Francis. I am glad you are safe there. I am glad you don't have to wait til I come home from work. I'm glad you won't feel the cold of winter. I'm trying to be glad about the whole thing. God always knows best. Well, my darling, I have to go to work, so I will come back another time. Meanwhile, I talk about you in the pet loss chat in your honor. Nana's sweetie sweetie.