7/27/17: Oh Lucky, how my heart bleeds. What happened baby girl? The past few weeks you weren't too thrilled about your food, so the vet came to check you. She didn't find anything that pointed to kidney trouble, nor did she find any masses. Except for the polyp in your ear, which you have had for several years and have been doing great after your steroids two years ago, you were thriving. So she thought we'd try another steroid shot in the event the polyp was becoming an issue. You actually did eat again after that for several days, but then stopped. You were still active and bright eyed, so she advised we do fluids since you were a tiny bit dehydrated. You were great with this, and a vitamin B injection, and she force fed you wet food. However, the next day you still wouldn't eat. So I called her to come back again to recheck you, and she said she couldn't come til around 4. I checked in on you around 12:30 and you were okay. Then when I came to you when the vet came, you had crashed---you couldn't even lift your head up. Your belly was very swollen and she said she now felt a mass (which she hadn't several days before) and that you might have a bleed and that you also looked anemic--pale gums, lids, paws. Your breathing was very rapid. She said maybe your body was trying to rebuild red blood cells, but that even if you made it through that, your prognosis was not good, especially at 18 years old. I felt then that even if you COULD beat this one hurdle, what would be your options with a mass and possible cancer and anemia? I just couldn't see you having to go through any surgery, chemo, or blood transfusions at your age, and felt I needed to make a too quick decision to let you go. But she didn't have the needed items with her to help you, and she left saying she could come back after another appointment and feeding her husband. As you hadn't been anywhere in many years, I did not want to bring you to a strange place for your last moments, nor did I have the car available to get you there anyway. |
As it was then time to feed the others and give insulin injections, I started to prepare that. But then you started to twitch---oh my God it was horrible---and I stopped everything and lay beside you, crying all over you, petting you, talking to you, hoping it would pass. I texted the vet to come back out as soon as she could. She said it would be around 8 because she still had to make dinner for her husband, and that she thought at this point you would pass on your own---I was horrified. I had just had to watch your cousin Precious pass not too long ago because the vet could not get here in time when she crashed, and it still haunts me and gives me nightmares. I was angry, as I didn't understand why a full grown man couldn't feed himself and that I was left to deal with this on my own, with no way to help you.
So, I prayed---I prayed that although it was killing me to think of you not being here, to please take you back to him as quickly as possible so you did not have to suffer for long. I prayed that you were maybe not aware of your breathing or having any pain. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe, but then I forced myself to stop, because it occurred to me that if you were aware, it might scare you. So I did my best to stop crying and sing to you and cuddle you gently, kissing your face and ears, and slowly stroking your beautiful coat. Sadly, your twitching got worse, and between what I saw in your eyes and the movements of your legs and paws, I knew you were passing. For over an hour I had to watch this happen to you, and I will never forget it. The emotions of grief, anger, and confusion all happening at once was just too much to handle, but the feeling of helplessness broke me to pieces.
My only slightly comforting thoughts are knowing you will not suffer through whatever was ailing you anymore, and you can eat again, and not slowly starve which is what would have happened I believe. Nor will you have to go through any types of horrible treatments that I would never be able to explain to you, as we can with humans. But the most comforting I guess is you will see your brother Comet again,,,,
Lucky, as you know you began your life with me at the farm. Do you remember how you got your name? It was a rainy, stormy night, and I was sleeping. A small sound woke me up---a tiny kitten's cry (my ears have been trained to this sound my whole life). I sat up and listened by the window, and heard it again. I jumped up, got dressed, grabbed a flashlight, and went out into the rain. I stood and listened but couldn't hear anything for quite some time. Then there it was again--over by the tomato garden. I went over and moved all the leaves around, and there I found you, seemingly just born, sopping wet and cold. I took you inside, wrapped you in a dish towel, and made the mother's milk I kept on hand, and fed you a tiny bit with a dropper. I continued this for several hours, then went outside again when it was light out to see if you had any brothers or sisters there, but I didn't find any. I then thought there HAD to be other kittens, so went to look in the barn, and lo and behold, on top of several big crates and blocks of wood, were several kittens--Cali had been pregnant so she must have given birth. Everyone told me she left you out there because there must've been something wrong with you. But I knew better--Cali was fussy and didn't like to get wet, and she probably had you guys out there and started bringing you in when it started to rain, and forgot to go back and get you. So I gently put you back in with the rest of the kittens and prayed she would not reject you, and she didn't. So you're LUCKY I heard that tiny meow in my sleep in the middle of a rainy, stormy night. :)
You grew up with everyone else at the farm, and were one of the sweetest girls I've known. When I moved here, you came along with all the others. You were never aggressive and never started any fights with any of the others--you just didn't have it in you. Your markings and colors were SO beautiful, and you had the brightest green eyes ever, and they never changed. You were such a lover and a mush, always having to get in my lap anytime I knelt or crouched down, even if for only a few minutes. But the one thing about you that I have never known with any others I've had is your desire and ability to give hugs like a human---you would climb right up my chest and wrap both paws around my neck, and purr into my ear. I would rub your back and kiss your ears, and you just loved it. So much so that when it was time for me to have to leave for work or something, you would hold on soooo tight and wrap your paws even more around my neck--it was so amazing. Your nickname of course was 'the hugger' or 'my huggie', second to Luckolita Holloway :) I will ALWAYS miss that hug baby.
I hope everyone was there to meet you at the bridge, especially your brother Comet, as I know you have both missed each other terribly. I can only hope you are both whole again and pain free.
I am taking you tomorrow for your cremation,,,,it is always so hard and sad,,,,but you will then be back home and I will put you right next to your brother. I can only hope you know how much I love you and that I'm so sorry I could not do more at the end, but that for 18 years you felt loved, happy, and safe. That is my goal for each of you and I hope you felt I gave you the best home possible. And I will never be able to express how thankful I am for all the love, smiles, and laughs you gave me for 18 years--I am truly blessed to have had you in my life. It's sad sometimes how when these bad times happen, that is where our focus goes--I guess it's human nature--instead of focusing on the many years of good times, love, and happiness. An illness and death are so small compared to that, and sometimes we lose sight of that in our human grief, and forget to honor the lives that you gave us. So please know I will always try to bypass my sad moments with memories of what a loving, sweet girl you were and always be thankful you shared your life with me.
I love you and miss you terribly already beautiful baby girl,,,Love and Light XOX,,,,Mommy
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven.
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
7/30/17: Hi Baby. Today was my mom's birthday, and I just came home from the cemetery (what a rough week it has been) :( And while there, I talked to her about you and asked if she saw you on the other side. I guess none of us will never know until it is our time, but I asked her that if she did, to please cuddle you and give you lots of kisses for me. You'll know her when you see her---love just oozes out her pores :) Thanks baby and I love you,,,,Love and Light,,,XOX
11/23/17: Hi sweet baby girl,,,I MISS YOUR HUGS! It's Thanksgiving Day today and although that has been a sad day for me over the past few years, I wanted to come out and say how grateful and thankful I am to have had you and the others in my life. As I told the others, we humans tend to focus on the end, the illness and sadness, but forget all the years of life you gave us, and all the laughs and love, so I am trying to stop thinking of the bad and just be happy for all the good. I love and miss you so much, and will always, and hope you know I will never forget you. Please come give me a hug,,,I miss them so much. Love and Light baby girl,,,XOX
12/25/17: Merry Christmas baby girl,,,I wanted to let you know that a candle has been lit for all of you in your resting place to honor your lives and that your spirits live on. I love and miss you every day,,,and SO miss your hugs Lucky,,I cry each time I realize I'll never feel another one, or see all the love in your beautiful green eyes. I'll love and miss you always baby girl,,,Love and Light,,,XOX
1/1/18: Hi Lucky,,,today is New Year's Day and I came out here to write on Jettie's page, as today is the day he passed two years ago. But I wanted to visit you and let you know how much I miss you every day, and that no matter how it happens, or how long goes by, the pain of your loss is still there with a hole in my heart that will never mend. But I am learning more and more to focus on all the love and happiness you gave me for so many years, instead of remembering the sad day of loss, as it is your life that deserves the attention and honor, not your passing. I hope you can feel the big hug and kiss I'm sending you,,,and oh how I wish I could have just one more of YOUR hugs,,,,I'll love and miss you always my sweet girl,,,,Love and Light baby,,,XOX
5/27/18: Hi my baby girl,,,,today is one year since Precious left, and I came out to write for her anniversary and wanted to say hello to you and everyone. Oh Lucky, how I miss your hugs!!! And your beautiful eyes still burn through my soul. You haven't been gone long and it still kills me when I see your face in my mind or in a photo---you could just look at me and know,,,, I'm so sorry you had to go.
7/26/18: Oh my baby girl,,,,I so cannot grasp it has been a whole year since you left. That horrible day still flashes in my mind too often and I can barely breathe from the heartache. But then I force myself to remember the 18 years of love, smiles, laughs, and happiness we had, and all the love and warmth you gave, and to not let that one day of horror overshadow any of that. And to just celebrate your life. Oh how I miss your HUGS,,,just like a human would do,,,,you were so, so sweet and LOVED giving them and being held so tight. And your eyes were like windows to my own soul. Please know how I would give anyting for one more hug, and to kiss the top of your so soft head. I love you so much baby girl and always will, and hope you are whole and happy, playing with Comet. Love and Light sweetie face,,,XOX
9/29/18: Hi guys,,,,I came out just to say hello to all of you, as I feel you so much in the sunroom lately, and Precious--I feel you in Thomas' eyes every time he looks at me. I miss you all SO much,,,,every one of you had something so unique,,, and I remember everything we shared together and how you made me feel so lucky to be able to care for you. Please be with me now, as I'm sure you know I am fighting for the rest of us here and our home, and I need all the love and strength you can send. Always know how much you all mean to me, and how much I love and miss you every single day. Tears flow, but through them I try to smile by remembering all the good years of love and laughs and fun. All of you will forever be in my heart. Love and Light babies,,,,XOX
12/25/18: Hi baby,,,,it's Christmas and I'm missing you and all the others who have passed. As you know, except for my brief visit with my sister every Christmas, since my mother passed all I've had are you guys to cheer me up and get me through. I hope you know I still love you so much and always, always will. Merry Christmas Lucky,,,,Kisses, hugs,,,,Love and Light,,,XOXOXOX
1/26/19: Hi baby girl,,,,I'm sorry I didn't come out on New Years,,,I was so depressed and sad I just couldn't bear visiting everyone. I hope you heard me tell you Happy New Year and how much I love and miss you. Love and Light sweetie,,,,XOXOX
7/26/19: Hi my sweet girl,,,it's been two years since you had to go, and I still see and feel you,,,and oh, how I miss your hugs!!! I'd give anything for one more,,, I'm sorry it's been a while since I visited your page, but I've been so sad and depressed I just couldn't bear it. Please know you are always in my thoughts and heart, and I will love and miss you always. Love and Light baby girl,,,,XOXOXOXOX
10/17/19: Hi sweetie face,,,,I wanted you to know how sorry I am that I have not visited your page. As you may know, I lost more babies since my last visit and I've just not been able to cope when I see all your pages out here. I hope maybe you met them at the bridge, your penmates Polo, who came there in May, and Asia, who just came there today. I hope you and Comet were able to meet them and comfort them, and let them know they're okay. Again, I'm sorry I haven't been able to come out here, and I hope you've heard me talk to you and know how much I miss you, especially your hugs baby girl. And please never, ever doubt that you're in my thoughts, and will always, always be in my heart. Love and miss you baby girl,,,,Love and Light,,,mommy,,,XOXOXOXOXOXXX
1/1/2020: Hi baby girl, and Happy New Year. I'm sorry I couldn't come out here for Christmas---I've been very, very sick the past 3 weeks---but as you know, you all had your stockings up and your Christmas lights hung. I can't tell you in words how much I miss you,,,,but my heart bleeds. I love you so much my sweet baby girl,,,,,Love and Light,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
7/26/20: Hi my sweet baby girl,,,,today it has been 3 years since you left,,,I can't believe how fast time passes,,,yet sometimes it feels like 100 years,,,I miss you so much. I'm sorry I haven't been to visit everyone's pages as much, but the world is going through a crisis with a pandemic and it's been horrible. Oh sweetie, how I loved how you would snuggle your head into my armpit and tickle me :), then put your arms around my neck and hug me, just like a person would,,,,I miss your hugs SO SO much. And I so miss your sweet, gentleness and your kind, loving, beautiful eyes. Sometimes the day you left flashes through my head and I have to try really hard to get the image out of my mind, as it was so painful to me, and I always wonder if you knew I was there by your side and that I tried so hard to bring you back. I so hope you know,,,, And I'll never forget the day I found you, as a tiny, tiny baby in the tomato garden at the farm in the pouring rain. And then found your siblings in the barn, and everyone told me your mom left you there because there must be something wrong with you, and that I should just leave you there. But of course that is something I could never do, and I'm so grateful I heard your little meows through the rain and was able to save you, as you were one of the most loving, snuggable, expressive babies I ever had, and oh how beautiful you were. I don't know if you know that I may be very sick and have to go for tests in the upcoming weeks,,,so please send me your kitty kisses and comfort me,,,and oh how I could really use one of your hugs right now baby girl. Please know Lucky how much I love you and how much I miss you every single day,,, you will always be in my heart and soul. Love and Light my sweet baby girl,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
7/26/21: Hi my beautiful baby girl. I'm sorry I didn't come out here for Christmas,,,we had a pandemic and I was very sick. Before I write anything else, I want to say that I've been told I write too many personal feelings on your guys' pages, so now I will just talk to you from home and only write a few things here, as I guess people think I'm crazy. I hope you heard me today and could feel my love for you. Today it has been 4 years since you left, and it still hurts so much. Your beautiful coat, breathtaking eyes, and most of all your human hugs, I will miss forever. I still can't shake the memory of the day you left, but I force myself to remember all the years before that, and all the love and fun we shared, as that is what honors your life, not that one horrible day. Please know I will always miss you, and will love you forever.. You were such a good, good girl, and oh so sweet. You will always be in my heart baby girl. Love and Light always sweetie,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX