Little "Peanut" Eagle Born Santa Fe, Texas 22 June 1997 - Lived in Falling Waters, West Virginia from 5 weeks until day of passing. - Passed over the rainbow bridge in Martinsburg, West Virginia 4 October 2013|
Little Eagle was brought from Santa Fe, Texas to Falling Waters, WV in July 1997. One wonderful Aunt raised Chihuahuas, and another drove truck with her husband. So with 5 week old Chihuahua and my Grandpa in tow, Dad couldn't say "No." She was for my Mother, after he first born left for the Army. But soon she starting sleeping with my and my other Sister. When I finally got a room of my own. It really wasn't mine alone. Peanut, as we named her, stayed with me. She could easily climb in and out of the low laying bunk bed, so I was "stuck" with her. Though I never argued... When it came time to be rib of that old bunk bed, I picked out a low laying futon. Something I could sit with friends and play video games with, and something Peanut could get in and out of bed easily... So as time went, Peanut worked her way into out heart. A hip surgery as a puppy never really healed right. But she did just fine, ran sooo fast it was nuts.
Though as happens with small animals... She jumped and fell from high places. Once she even jumped off a raft in the pool to get to Mom outside the pool. Four feet up off the ground too. Tough little thing she was, she never let her boo boos get in her way. She had chronic ear infections for twelve years, after food trials.. Drops, ointments, and pills - it was found a simple flush of 70/30 alcohol/vinegar worked best. By now she hit her ear after a cleaning, causing it to fill full of fluid like a large blister. It flopped over and terrified me. Another surgery and her ear was never the same, but she got over it and adapted. Now with one floppy ear, minus the fluid and a large slice of skin. During that surgery, they cleaned and removed bad teeth. See, Peanut never would eat anything other than moist and meaty, or the old roy equal.. Dog food wise. That caused many tooth problems that I didn't keep up with as they started right when we moved out on our own.. (And she let my soon to be husband know that picking on a dog when they are eating is not a good idea. His torn lip still bares her scars she gave him.) So they removed eight of her back teeth due to bad decay. I thought she was getting old and near her end then.. Even got her a stroller so she was never left out due to not being able to keep up. We never used that stroller after that surgery. She was like a puppy all over again for a few more years. (Those teeth were worse than I thought! Than I could've imagined.)
While getting use to our new home with my soon to be husband, he got a bird. A Parakeet named Jasmine. Jasmine talked, and would often say the phrases - "Where's my treat?" "Peanut" "Where's my Peanut?" "Good Girl" - amongst other things. (She didn't have all her feather yet when we got her and worked with her a great deal.)
So here's energy filled Peanut, running around with the latest addition to the family, a mutt named Buddy Boy. He's a larger dog. Shep/Lab mix? And he was the gentlest playmate she had until that time. She normally hated other animals, with the exception of the neighbor's toy poodle she grew up with who use to trample her as they played. (He was full just full grown when she came into town.) Oh' wait.. What's this. Oh' my! I'm glad we got Buddy fixed as soon as we took him in! Peanut, you frisky little girl you! Those few times helped her grow to enjoy having Buddy around as a friend and part way playmate. He wouldn't play fully with her, he was afraid of hurting her! So sweet!
Jasmine died shortly after we got Buddy. Five years old, died from what we can tell, was a diet of too much seed and not enough fresh fruit. She had a lump on one leg we hadn't really noticed, and after some research and talking about her last few weeks alive, we decided that was what had happened to her.
Then came the greying of fur, it started slowly, but after the addition of Chestnut, it picked up the pace. So Chestnut is young male Chihuahua coming from a breaking home with a jealous human boy, wanting more of his Mother's attention, attention the Chihuahua was getting. So Chestnut came home. And within months it was the Holidays and Chestnut went away for the weekend with Spay Today for all our gift to each other! Peanut needed that break desperately! He was still a frisky lil' boy, but much calmer afterward. Peanut was still his woman, no matter what. And if you picked her up around him, he'd let you know real quick with a proper Chester "Cussing out". That Spring Peanut had an emergency hysterectomy, one that the vet office still remembers. A "bag" full of infected puss almost as big as her head! Talk about weight loss!
With grey fur almost covering her head, and daily cuddling with Chestnut.. Enter Kallista. Sister's Kallie Girl she brought home from the shelter she volunteers at. Kallista is unlike the boys that found new homes with us. She's got a severe dominate personality. Peanut is getting way to old now to fight and continue her reign on her own.
So I let Kallie know, my Sister Peanut is the boss. You pin her with your teeth, I pin you with mine. Kallie soon learned this lesson and our home was a happy one. Peanut got older, starting going deaf shortly after her emergency surgery. She enjoys being surrounded by other pups that let her know what's going on. Then her eyesight and teeth get worse. Still, she loves car rides and visits to other homes. Though it is easily seen it takes it's toll on her.
We had a large family/friend trip to the mountains of West Virginia in March of this year. (2013) and she had an episode where she was laying flat on her side in the gass, unmoving. Unbreathing and emptied out completely on me when I picked her up. She was gone. And As I cried out and started rocking back and forth on my knees, she took a deep breath and was back again. A miracle! Really, she's breathing again. Joy! I will never forget that day. It hurt so much, but it made me realize that it was coming soon. And I wasn't ready. I took lots of pictures of her in that trip after that. And we were careful of Chestnut laying his overweight body against/ on top of her after that. We thought maybe he accidentally squished her in the booster seat.
In June we celebrated her sweet 16. Chicken, peas, mac and cheese, rice, cressant rolls. She ate three helpings of chicken, while my kids ate the rest. So the next day, because she was full, we ate her chocolate peanut butter icing cake with vanilla and chocolate ice cream. The kids had frozen yogurt instead. (Peanut is my Little Sister. My Kids are Buddy, Chestnut, Kallie.)
Within two years of getting Kallie, Peanut showed more and more signs of being in pain. One day she didn't get up to drink at all. Or eat. So I helped her out of bed (The couch) and tried to coax her into being active. She lapped a few drinks and ate a few bites of my food before turning her nose up and nesting back down for more rest. So I gave her some pain meds, Kallie's dose for pulled muscle pain. She gets a little more active and alert. So I gave her more and she was up and eating chicken like she was actually hungry, though still a little stiff.
It was then I realized she was in pain constantly now. I've been giving her baby asprin for a few months now about three to four times a week. Her right front paw had been slowly turning in all year. She did have another incident like the March one, not as bad, but while I was at work one night. We told the vet about it, and they suggested a heart problem.
So her last evening, I took her to visit Mom and Dad, and tell then that if she didn't show any sign of feeling better. I would be calling the vet. I always said I wouldn't let her suffer. Now deaf, mostly blind, and in daily pain (arthritic/joint) it was time to say goodbye. I called our Sister, and let her know too. Though this has happened before, she being sick and then getting better.. But while she was sick I let everyone know this may be the time. But I knew, in my chest I knew. This was it. And it hurt. That night I didn't sleep much, feeling horrible that I was hoping she'd pass in her
So after prolonging waking up as long as I could... We got up. She wasn't moving any better.. So after some more meds, and chicken with some bits of cheese and bread. I call the vet. And couldn't get through the call without long pauses and wall hitting... I then Email my Mom and Sister at their places of work with the time that evening I was taking Peanut in. Then I looked up private crematories. Found one and called, got directions. (Still got lost as I forgot to bring them..)
Spent part of the day making a baking ornament dough and paw prints of Peanut. More chicken, and cuddles. Lots and lots of cuddles. A few horrible pictures of her and me. (Me horrible looking, her looking good as always.) Kallie was pouting, watching me. Chestnut was hiding under Peanut's favorite blanket. And Buddy stayed in the bedroom. They knew I wasn't happy. Peanut seemed unaffected by me. Maybe she thought I was just having another migrane or something. That paw printing thing she didn't understand and quickly lost patience with me on.
Then nothing was left but to wait. I hated that too. I felt like I didn't have enough time. I wanted to call and cancel so badly. And then I started hating myself. Holding her and crying. Not wanting to forget what her fur felt like. Her little heater warmth. Her calm, passive cuddling. Over half my life I spent with this little ball of fur. And I didn't want to let go. Didn't want to even think of what day to day life would be without her. I didn't eat all day. I tried to eat a peanut butter sandwich, but most of it went to the kids. It was the worse day I ever had, yet it was the one I never wanted to let end. Never before had I wished to wake up from a horrible dream, for time to stop. Something. I think that's when the anxiety attacks first started.
So Mom got home early, we went and picked her up.. Dad held her, resting her on a pillow on the table before we left. She was so happy to be there getting their attention without the others around... Then Mom held Peanut while I drove, Dad stayed behind. Our Sister met us there. My Husband was at work, as was my Brother in Law. Almost glad they were, the room wasn't that big. And I don't like others seeing me come apart. I'm always the strong one in the family, and with my friends. But right now I felt so weak, helpless, and mad at myself.
Peanut was restless in the waiting area. But when we went into that far back room, none of us could sit. She knew something was up. Why were we all there with her at the vet? She had been so tired in the car, halfway sleeping in Mom's arms. Outside and in the waiting area, she was dozing off and on in Sister's arms.. And now? She was trying to stay awake by going to person to person, being held like a cherished prize. Our Precious Little "Peanut" Eagle. (This is really hard to write between the tears and chest pains it causes btw) But after that first shot.. She panicked, and fought as was her nature. Tough little fighter she was. She was nearly out before they came and gave her the second shot. Laying down, her little head resting on my arm. I cradled her. And pat her as they vet and assistant talked -trying to distract us. I felt her go, looking into her eyes and feeling her breathing go shallow and then.. No more. I kept waiting for her to gasp like the did in March. Thinking she was too tough to go this easily. My Mom and Sister were busy telling stories of her to the Vet and Assistant, they didn't notice. And I didn't bother saying anything. Just staring into those empty eyes and still petting her. The vet did notice, and checked her heart. Then declared her gone. And none of us could talk. It didn't feel real. And it still haunts me.
We had her favorite blanket for her to be wrapped in. Though the assistant let us use one of theirs while she went, just in case she had movements right after. I was the last to leave the room, though I would've liked a few moments alone.. The other two weren't going to give it to me, yes I did snap because I couldn't think or talk straight. I just wanted to be alone with her and it made it worse that I couldn't explain that to them... We left the blanket for her to be wrapped in.. (The assistant placed her lower half into a bag just in case then bundled her up for us, taking her out a side door after she had her ready..) My sis went home, Mom inhaled her second cigarette while we waited at the side door. I put her limp body in her shopping bed(It fit in the front of shopping carts and made it easy when taking them all to petsmart..) Placing two toys from her puppyhood I still had and brought with us, snuggled in beside her.
Taking curves and such with great care, I didn't was to toss her around in the backseat, Mom and I took her to the crematory.. Even though Mom wanted to bury her. After mentioning that none of us want to be buried, Mom agreed with me - knowing it was going to cost a bit more and I was prepared for that must have shocked her. So after she called twice, so we could get there. (So glad I brought the number with me!) The gentleman was kind and patient with me. He makes some very lovely wooden box urns. But I had seen a rock style urn with a spot for her photo on it and couldn't pull myself away from it.
We left and got some cold sweet tea as I don't think either of us could handle much more than that and crying takes a lot out of you.. Dropped my Mom off.. Came home. Kids go nuts, "Yay! Mom's home..." "But wait.." "Where's Peanut Mom?" "Is that Grandma we smell?" and "She must be having a sleepover again." (As that happened from time to time.) Chestnut tried to sneak off that night, as he does when he thinks she's at a sleepover.
The next morning after another sleepless night.. I pack the kids up and take them to Grandma and Grandpa's house to prove she isn't there. Then off to pick up her remains. (They cremated her in her blanket & bed with the toys...) We picked her up, I took the kids out to eat. They ate mine too.. Then home to put a picture in the urn.. And cry some more.
Things are better. Adjusting my day to day life from revolving around Peanut, making sure she gets up and gets around. Gets attention and cuddle time alone, just me and her. (Always could tell she enjoyed it more like that for brief moments.) Not only did she get my undivided attention for a bit, Chestnut showered her when she came back to him. The first days Chestnut looked for her. Smelling her on blankets not washed.. Digging in them with his tail going nuts, only to snort and look so sadly at me; tail hanging. And he started being more like a dog.. Actually playing with toys! Be it they were mostly Peanut's old toys, but Chestnut - no matter how much I tried, wouldn't play. Now he does from time to time. And it's odd, yet heart warming.
Kallie. She is such a wonderful little girl. It's like she knows when I'm sad, she comes and started to kiss and cuddle with me. If I start hurting before an anxiety attack(Which are almost gone.) -she comes and starts kissing and loving on me. Hugs and cuddles and makes me laugh and smile! She's so wonderful, my little Zombie Princess.
Peanut was Queen Peanut. Little Eagle. Oshi Bear. Ogre. Bushy Butt. My Little Sister. And I miss her. It hurts, but I smile too. All the vacations, dinners, car rides and such. And I still cannot figure out how Peanut, Kallie, Chestnut, and I all fit on the couch or in a twin bed at one time. Just the three of us now is hard enough! Peanut was such a part of me, I never noticed how little bit of space she took curled up tightly against me until her little heater body was no longer there. I even miss her bedtime farts in my face. As it always made me laugh after I was done fussing. I'm working on a design idea for a third tattoo. I was going to get a portrait of her, but I have a better idea that will include a bit of Jasmine - all the pups in house now.. And hopefully all future critters too.
I miss you dearly Little Sister. And thought I hate myself at times and regret my decision, I know those moments are in greed. And that you're not in pain or scared anymore. You can hear again, see, run and play on the other side of that rainbow bridge. And I promise one day I will come looking for you.
Update: 15 February 2014 I didn't get the chance to thank all of you who stopped by, sent cards, greetings to me directly after making this. I tried, but things were still too fresh.
We went on vacation, and something was missing. I still believe it was her. Chestnut was sick and kinda sad. He had no one to cuddle with. So instead of getting out and exploring more with Kallie or Buddy, I let them sunbathe on the gated deck while Chestnut and I cuddled on the couch. I think my parents miss her more than they are saying, she's the only one who ever went over for sleepovers. 2015 Chestnut does better now, and has become more attached to his Mom. We lost our Oreo this year. And two cousins in the past few years, Dakota and Cheyenne. Cous' Harley left us around the time Peanut did, so she has fur family with her now.
Again, thanks to everyone who stopped by/sent condolences.