Love at first sight; love until the end. Please wait for me, Keebler. Love, Mommy|
Just a little over twenty-four hours since I last saw you, Keeb...really fighting off the tears of your loss. I miss you so much, Teebie XXXO
Coming up on two days, Keeb- I don't even want to look at my watch. I was up early agin this morning and have been crying since I thought of you wrapping your huge presence around my legs before I got in the shower- now feeling badly for shooing you away. I miss you more than words old say. Right now I am just having that blue time. I know I will get brought this with time, but for right now, I have never felt this kind of broken heart. I love and mss you, Teebie. Mommy
Day three, Keeb. You were the first thing I though of when I woke up today. I called your name. You were not tangled around my legs as I tried to stand. You weren't outside the bathroom door in the dark on that dark rug- waiting for me to trip over your twenty pounds. Down to the kitchen to watch you sprint in when you heard the food bag or the treat can. Grabbing your tail as you tried to get past me on the steps. Flashes of you everywhere. Tears on my face. I love and miss you like only Mommy could. Keeb, I hope you have found Frankie and have talked to and played with him. Tell him Mama hasn't forgotten him- he is all around me, too. I have just learned over the past three years to live with the loss as best I can. This will happen with you over time, too, Keeb, but journaling here helps me and maybe others like me who hurt so much . I love all of you're here and want you to all find each other and make a pact to wait for me. Casey, Todd, Shane, Duke, Schwootzer, Frank, Jim, Princess, Sarge, Kittygirl, Irving, Nicholas, and all the beloved pets of my youth whom I may have forgotten here through tears. You all have enriched my life xoxoxo
Here we are, Keeb- only it's Day 9. We knew it would roll this way: time is being good to me even though I remember what it was like last Sunday morning as I tried to plug through the weekend without you. But i havent cried in four days. i was telling Kay how I feel guilty for healing in a way- I know that's silly but crying makes you feel like you are ight here and watching, knowing how much I really love and miss you. But I haven't cried now in four days, Keeb, and I know you'd want time to take care of things. I just don't want to forget you. I want to think of you every single day for the rest of my life and I'm scared I won't as time goes by and life gets back to routine. I feel if I don't think of you every day that it's like I didn't love you like I said I did. I know that's nuts. But I would imagine every pet parents thinks the same thing just after our furbabies leave us. Oops, Keeb, I lied: I cried today...I love and miss you and am trying to care for Walter as it should be. Back later, perhaps, Keeb. Have to start my day. Xoxoxo Mommy
Here it is, Keeb: twenty-two days now and counting. They are hanging Chrsitmas things along the town streets already, and when I hear some of the music on the radio on the way to work it reminds me of you for some reason. I think of you every day as I drive in: the sun is coming up like fire in the eastern sky, and it looks as if it will burst open from all the pinks and yellows and purples like a summer flower. Sunrise reminds me of you, and you know I say hello every morning when I get out of the car and walk to the door. I did it again today. Always do...There isn't a day that I don't think of you when I see the sky- I wonder where you really are, and how big are the heavens, really, and what sort of plane you exist in with me still here. I try not to cry because it only delays the healing, but some days are worse than others and after I saw you picture this morning, it started again. I know you dont want that but its hard as a human not to do when we think of that perfect unconditional love. So says Libby, too. I have to go , Keeb- I just wanted you to know that you are very much alive in my heart, and that I love you today. Play with Frankie and wait for me. Be good boys! XXX Mommy
Keeb, I miss you more than anything I have ever felt except for you, Frankie: it was 2010 since you left me, Frank, and it's not like I mss you less...it's just been longer ago since last I kissed you goodbye, but you were so different than Keeb. You were laid back and quiet, and Keeb was, well, what Libby calls " pissy ". - Keeb,you were a one man show and although a girl, I was your buddy. Frank was my baby, but your individual personalities were polar opposite.
God I miss you both so much today.i love you both so so much. Gosh, Frank, i can hardly remember your face right now...I mean, I know i do, but in a way i think out of agony right this minute i don't recall you clearly...sometimes I wonder if god puts that cloud in our mind so it doesn't hurt so badly.
If I died today I wouldn't be afraid if I knew you would both be there. Libby says you will, and I believe that . I have that to look forward to. I never would have believe this could be coming from me ...you goofy cats. Haha I want you both back. I miss you both and I love both you boys. Mommy will find you one day where we promised to meet. God was nice to me when he caused our lives to cross. Love always, your mommy.
Almost Christmas, boys and girls, and I still can't believe this many weeks and years have gone by since last I saw and loved on all of you. Keebler, gosh, I miss you so much- I think of you everyday along with Frankie when I walk into the building here- usually the sun is coming up and the sky is all lit up and orange. Its my special time of the day when I reflect on how you are still so loved. You, too, Frankie: Frankie, I remember saying that after you left me on that June 10, I would never get another cat...but you came into my life, Keeb, and it was all OK again until you left me last October. It was still warm outside and the leaves were still on the trees and all that- hard to believe we have so much snow. I seem to forget the others that you two are with that still matter as much to me as you do- time just got away from me across the years, although the love did not lessen. Casey, my darling brown girl from 1980- you were a one of a kind, and a one-woman show and that was me. Duke and Sarge and Bosco, the pups of my youth- fifty years and counting almost...my dear friends Todd and Shane and even Daisy- the 90s were pretty rough on all of us, gang, but if you werent there for me then I could not have made it like I did.
Hey there Fellas-
Well, Christmas is gone already and its already almost the second week of January. Hard to believe almost a fourth of a year has gone by since you left me, Keeb. I saw a post on FB today and it was the poem Four Feet In Heaven. I thought I would croak. Nobody has sat in your chair, Keeb. Its not like they cant- they just wont: Toby and Walter stay out of it. I haven't even vacuumed your hair off of it- pretty bad, huh? Come January 24 it will be three months already. And today when I got here to work I cried. I thought of you and you know I talked to you this morning again when I walked into the building. Sunrises remind me to do that even though it was cloudy and darker today than usual. Its my slice of time to rememeber and I hope to keep it up. I hope you and Frankie are having fun up there or wherever "there" is. Makes a person think extra hard about all that you know. I better go for now, Keeb. Nip Frankie for me and tell the rest of the gang I love them as much today as I did yesterday. And that I always will. Dont forget to tell them I think about them, too. I was and still am very blessed for having had all of you in my life. Mommy misses you all! I love you, Keebler!
Hi boys! Hi Keeb! Hi Frankie and Todd and Shane and all you others who have shared my life...
Someone special is coming your way today if you havent met him already. His name is Luciano, and he is Ellen's baby. You know how it rolls- so you know much Ellen is hurting right now because you saw me go through it, too. So when you see him, you stick with him and give him the tour. I know you will. I hope you all have found each other OK. I think about that...Ellen is going to go through that part where she hears people say that animals have no souls, that animals arent in heaven. Of course, all of us know better. Libby, too. So take care of things on that end, and I will check back in later. Have to go. PS- you already know about the new boys. They will meet you some day, too. OK? Love, Mommykins
Keebler, it's amazing what a year can do to heal the heart a bit...365 days since I last held you in my lap in those last minutes at Dr. Libby's . Just because I'm not here everyday to journal doesn't mean you aren't thought of. I think of you and still talk to you every day as I'm walking in to work. There is a church across the parking lot that has a simple cross on the top and it has always reminded me of a California mission. I think of you every day as I walk in and when I see that cross. Others would think I'm nuts( but not Ellen). I think of you all the time. I never thought it would last this long, this pain...you are I were such buddies. I wish you could have been here with Eddie and Chubby- I look at them and I think WOW! both these boys knew you over at Libs. Eddie is licking my hand right now as I try to write but I'm sure you can see this, too. Ha ha Keeb, you still make the end of this walk ok because we will be together again. You and Frankie and the rest of the kids- I hope you are all sticking together up there. For now, I have to go. I have to somehow hold all this together until I can be alone tonight when nobody can see me. I'll talk to you again then, Keebler. Love always, Da Mama
Well, Keeb, here I am again. Cried again but its been so long since I Came back to add flowers or anything. Almost two years maybe less. I feel badly when I dont come here often because I know that tells my mind that I think of you less and less as time goes on, and I suppose thats the truth. I beat myself up over it when I come here. I hear your music and I see your face and the pain comes back just like it did before- NO! Its not the same: now its a sore that wont heal, a hole that cant be filled by anyone but you. I talked to you just the other day when I was walking in to school. I dont love you less- I just get preoccupied and I dont come here. I promise to try to get here more. I try to keep your memory alive but you live in my mind now, and I know that. Those are memories they cant take away from me. I think of Aunt Bea and of how she loved her dogs and cats and of how she got them back when she died. I saw a picture of a gang of animals on Facebook and its said THIS IS WHATS WAITING FOR YOU WHEN YOU CROSS OVER and I thought of you and the rest of the gang. It really does give me comfort...then I think OH GOD IF YOU DONT HAVE IT THIS WAY I DONT KNOW WHAT ILL DO. I am a wreck still I guess. That love- it wont change. In love with a cat....hahah Pretty funny. But oh so true.God remember how we used to stretch out on Abbys sofa after she went to bed, telling me that she knew how we rolled???? hahahahahahs Youd stretch out and you were a yard long. You were awesome. Look, its obvious that you have Water there- I bought him to keep you company but you had to go and croak on me. Walter was a victim of his old life, and he wasnt loved like you were- and for that, I felt very very bad;y. He was loved but not to the degree that you were, and you know why. All the things he did. I couldnt take it Keeb. So I hope he is having a better life with you. Tell him I love him, too. He was a victim, and so was I. I just hope he found comfort and the love he deserved, and the fun of the freedom.And I wish things could have been different, but he single handedly took my house apart, and after you left, things were a wreck....Tell my dearest dearest Frankie mommy loves him too. HE was very special to me, my love muffin. You were differnt and I loved you both in very different ways, so I dont have to explain that since you know him now. PLease tell Casey and Todd and Shane and Daisy and Toby and all of them that they are never ever forgotten. Life is moving too fast, Keeb, so ill be thee soon. So wait for me. Aunt Bea said shed wait, too. Things like that are the only things that keep me from being afraid of dying. Well. better go for now Keeb. Its like you never left. Make sure to come visit me in my dreams- OK? I like still seeing you and keeping you close. I will always love you. All of you. Wait on me. OK? 9/25/17
October 1, 2018 Hard to believe that I come here less and less, my dear Keeb. Life is getting in the way, and I don't think abut you every single day now. At least, I haven't lately with all of the school things going on and life getting in the way. But I got your renewal notice today for your memorial and it has already set the tone. I love you with all my heart- seems to me I was talking about you to Holly two days ago...and I talked to you a bit last week I believe on Thursday when I came in and saw the church next door. But you know that my love for you has never lessened, and I certainly look forward to holding you and Frankie again one day. I love you kids more than I love most people. This might be a good day to come back and cry- haven't done that in a while either I got rid of your old chair- maybe I should have kept it. I Don't know...but it wasnt the same without your big butt in it and it brought back such sad memories. I promise I will do better to keep you alive in my heart and my head. God knows how this happens. And I am such a sentimental person that once I get onto the memories I get real sad real fast. Always have when it was about matters of you and Frank and the gang. I wasn't sure if I was coming to meet up with you this past year- that as you know if where my mind has been- with the cancer scare. And its not over- I just know it but for now I just have to made do. I know you know what I mean. Look, I Have to go...love Walter up for me and tell him it will all be OK when I get there. It will all be OK. I will finally be free of worries and hurt and heartache. I just worry about Holly being alone. I love you, Keeb. I always have and you know that, but I have to go back to work. I will be back soon. XXX
Well, here we go again, pal. I think of you still every week and usually every day when I walk into school and see the church next door. You know the drill. I guess life is getting in the way of me thinking about you constantly and I never thought that would happen...well, I kind of knew it would but once I think about you and the gang, it all comes back like it was the day each of you left me. Many times I think I am crazy for feeling so much love and for loving you the way I do, but I have discovered in this life that your love is deeper and truer than any love I have ever felt from anyone except my kids. And I can live with that because its all I Have. I am ready to see you all when God comes knocking. I kind of feel like Aunt Bea must have felt- that it didn't matter when He took me that I would at least have something in the end o to look forward to. And its you and the rest of the kids. I still cry, Keeb- you see me. And so you know. I love you to the depths of the ocean and back and we will be together again one day or I dont want to go wherever it is that Im supposed to. I love you. I'll be thinking of you on the 24th.
Well then Keeb...almost seven years. time really flies and I think about you all the time not just every day now. I know if I do, Ill fall apart. I thought of you a few days ago when I saw a look alike for your old chair at Habitat. You had that thing a wreck with all your hair. I hated to throw it out but I also hated to keep it- it was like you never left it. I'm sorry I don't think of you every single day but enough I suppose. You live in my heart so you never really are far away. Just on the other side. I want you to make sure to be with the other kids when I come across- wont be too long Keeb. I'm getting older now. Back when Casey died, in October of 1983, I was living on County Road 21 and I was only 33 years old; here I am as you see me looking down- and 64 years old. At least I have your face and fur and the warmth of all the other kids to look forward to. I cant imagine God not giving you back. I so love you and the kids. I don't know what else to say. tell them all you talked to me, and that they live right in my heart where they always were. a lot of things in life change, but that is one constant that I have that nobody else does. I love you, my friend. Mama