The day I brought you home at six weeks of age, I had no idea how my life would change, I had no idea how much I would love you and how my whole world would open up to new and exciting things, you became my whole life, everything I did was either with you or for you.|
We started up our Poodle Playgroup which you loved so much, it found you new friends and new things to do., and it opened up a whole new life for me too. You became the Meet and Greet dog you would watch and wait for each and every member of the playgroup you just loved everybody, and you were such a great little athlete with that ball or frisbee, you would chase ball all day and always bring it back and place it in my lap or jump up to put it right into my hands, you were always so good and never naughty, always did what I asked you to do, I don't know how I was blessed to have such a good dog but it makes it so much harder to not have you here by my side now. You amazed everybody with your skills and beautiful nature.
After grooming you I became a very good groomer so we opened up a Poodle Grooming Business and you became my little work buddy then, you gave yourself a job and you took your work very seriously by being ready and waiting to greet the dog and their mommy, and then waiting at the door to greet their mommys coming back to pick up their doggies.
You loved everybody, you had the sweetest nature I've ever had in a dog, you loved everybody and everybody loved you too, and you were always doing something funny to make me laugh, you never had a nasty or selfish streak in your body and you were so full of compassion, you made me so happy you precious boy, and we were so close we were almost joined at the hip. We both had separation anxiety, you for me and me for you, and this permanent separation is almost unbearable for me. I love you and miss you more than words can ever say.
When you got old and became sick it was just heartbreaking to see you change and so hard for you too, but as sick as you were you still fought because I know you didn't want to leave me. When you could no longer do walks we bought the pet stroller for you and we went for strolls along the beach, and we had our weekend drives in the car, and I still have your seat in my car I cant take it out, I don't want to take it out, it will probably stay there forever. I still have your beds and all your toys and your coats and your brushes and combs I cant even part with your feed and water bowls. I look at your photos and videos everyday, nothing ever had prepared me for just memories.
And your Teddy Bears were such a big part of your life, you loved your Teddy, now I sleep with your Teddies and I have some of your ashes in a Teddy Bear so I can hug you and you come to bed with me every night., when I miss you badly, which is everyday, I hug you in the Teddy.
I'm going to love you and miss you for the rest of my life you precious boy. They broke the mould when they made you and I was so lucky to have found you in my lifetime. But you have taken my whole heart with you my precious Jaz, there will never be another you. You gave me 15 wonderful years, they were the best years of my whole life, 15 beautiful years that I will never ever forget.
We will meet again some day, and then we will be together forever. Nobody will take your place Jazzie.,Love you forever and ever and you will be loved and missed greatly, forever. Lots of hugs and kisses sweet boy, if only I could just have you back for a day, but then I know I would never let you go. You are the love of my life, I have never loved anything or anyone that much before. Hugs and kisses to you my precious boy. xooxooxoxoxoxoxooxxooxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxo
The Day I lost You -
Jasper you were and still are my everything, your my baby, my best friend, my soul mate, my little man, your my whole world, I love you to bits, the day I lost you my whole life changed and it will never be the same again.
I somehow have to learn to go on without you, I miss you more than words can say. I cry everyday, I dream about you at night, its so hard and my heart just aches and my soul has gone with you.
I miss holding you, I miss talking to you, I miss playing with you, I miss our car drives and pushing you around in your pet stroller and I miss you not being in bed with me at night, I miss you lying on the lounge with me, and I miss your greetings when I get home.
The house is so empty now and its so lonely without you, I cant go out into the gardens now because your not there with me, its just a house now its not a home anymore, its just empty.
Five weeks have passed now and its no easier. I went out into the garden today and its so hard, it seems empty too and I keep thinking I have to go upstairs and check on you and then I realise your not there.
Yesterday I made myself go for a drive to Redcliffe, my first time without taking you with me. I had some lunch and came home, I was crippled with stomach pain when I got back home. I had no idea grieving could cause so much physical pain.
27th April 2018
Well Jasper three days now and I haven't cried, but I still have terrible grief pains, I had no idea grief could cause such physical pain.
I'm getting out into the garden for a bit each day now but it still hurts going out there without you, but I'm pleased with my progress. My life wont be the same without you, I miss our weekend drives to Redcliffe and Sandgate, but I guess I don't feel so lost now, I'm starting to find my way. I think I'm getting past the shock phase, I cant get those last days out of my mind.
I love you so much, I think of you all day and everyday.
8th May 2018
Oh Jaz, how am I going to do this without you, I'm not sure if I can. Major slip back !
16th May 2018
I'm so depressed without you Jaz. lost interest in everything.
The house is so quiet and dark without you , its so quiet it scares me. I don't know if I can do this. I'm locking myself in the house again, cant go out into the garden again, its not the same without you playing in the gardens, I have no interest in them now.
I miss you so much, more than words can say. Jasper we have to do this somehow, we have to get through this together.
19th May 2018
Was nice to have Freddy over last night, we went out to dinner, all was good then I missed you like crazy, probably because I normally would be thinking I have to get home to Jasper.
Woke up this morning teary, missing you like crazy.
I cant go out into the gardens or yard, too many memories, I loved those gardens when you were here we had so much fun out there together, but the memories hurt, it should be happy memories, maybe its too soon.I have to let you go Jaz, but I cant.
Jasper I went to Redcliffe and had lunch with Sandra, only my second time over there since you left me. Still have your car seat and your harness in the car. Missed you , got teary going over the bridge. No stomach cramps when I got home this time, major achievement.
Tomorrow I have chemotherapy, then we go to Karl's for five days, I'm taking you with me.
31st May 2018
In another 17 days it will be three months since I lost you my beautiful boy. Its been the hardest three months of my life, I miss you so much I put your beds back out in the lounge and dining room.
I don't know what I will do with the rest of my life but I certainly don't want to replace you with another dog.
My heart still aches everyday, mornings are the worst when I wake and your not there, I have the whole day ahead of me and your not there with me. I knew I loved you heaps but I had no idea how much until you were gone.
Miss you and love you. The house is so empty and lonely without you here. The only good thing is I know your not suffering now, I hated seeing you sick, that Cushing's disease was the most horrible thing, I kept trying to fix you but nothing worked. I'm sorry if you suffered too much, I never wanted you to hurt only wanted to stop you suffering.
I've stared playing my music again sometimes, so that's a good sign.
1st June 2018
Oh Jaz, I miss you so much, it hurts ! The days are so depressing and so lonely.
So its officially winter now, and I'm sitting in the sun room without you, this was your favourite room in winter you would lay on the bed in here until the sun left if I let you but I had to close the blinds once you were warm so you didn't get sunburnt. Its not the same sitting in here alone I miss your presence so much..., but I have all your favourite things in here, your pet stroller and your toys and your bears , we all miss you. I have some of your ashes in Eddy Bear, and Eddy Bear is in the sunroom enjoying the sun with me, I sleep with Eddy Bear and I put Eddy Bear on the lounge everyday where you laid to watch all the things go by outside, Edddy Bear sits with all your other bears too.
When I'm better I want to do a Memorial in the Garden for you and Brandy. I miss all the things we did, I miss grooming you, you were the best behaved dog I ever groomed and I've groomed many mommy being a groomer, I miss brushing you every morning and cleaning your precious little face and brushing your teeth, feeding you breakfast and dinner, now instead I write in a journal and up here on your Memorial.
5th June 2018
I went to the shops today and its the first time I've been able to think about you while I'm out without getting teary so I guess its getting easier, but then when I come home and drive in the driveway I no longer hear your sweet happy little cry, and I miss that so much, its so hard coming home to an empty house, how I miss those wonderful greetings, I miss picking you up and hugging you and getting lots of kisses.
Its cold here now, were in winter your favourite season and I miss you cuddling up to me in bed at night, it was cold last night and I was cold and couldn't sleep I missed your cuddles so much, and I miss you laying in the sun room in the mornings.
6th June 2018
I feel so alone without you, even scared. I cant seem to get anything done, do it for a few moments then grief stops me. I'm trying to get the back room cleaned up so I can do your photos up.
Well mommy had to go and get grief counselling yesterday because I just cant stop missing you and crying everyday, I still cant believe your gone, I have to try to remember you the way you were when you were sick so I can get it into my head that you are actually gone, I think it might be denial. Well I managed to get some photos up on your memorial, your Memorial will be up for as long as I'm here baby, I wont ever forget you.
17th June 2018
Well its three months today Jasper, 2.30pm this afternoon. Looking back over the last three months I can see I've improved a little, but I still have a long way to go yet. I remember those first few weeks after losing you I just wanted to die, I really didn't want to live without you, I really didn't think I could, I saw no hope, no future, all I could see and feel was pain, unbearable pain, and for three months I just couldn't believe you were gone, I knew you were gone but I just couldn't believe it, or couldn't accept it, I kept thinking how could something so perfect just die. I've had to make myself think about you the way you were in those last few weeks, I make myself realise you were sick, you were broken, you were old and tired, you just could not keep going although you sure tried, you always raised me up my boy.
21st June 2018
It seems I'm having little breaks now where I can let you rest for a short time before I start thinking of you again, I've put your beds back in the back room again, I'm trying to not fill your water bowl up now, but there's so many things I just cant put away, even your medicines are still in the fridge, I still have your treats here.
I'm having days now Jaz my heart doesn't ache as bad, but there's still a sadness that never leaves me, and its so strange because I feel guilty when the heartache is not as bad, like I've forgotten you, but I know I never will forget you, I will always love you and think of you everyday, I still talk to you everyday.
You were a very special little fella, the best of the best, and that makes it so much harder to lose you, you were so loving, so caring, so compassionate and so very protective of me, you would have given your own life to protect me. And you never complained once when you were sick, you had so many things went wrong in the end from that Cushing's but not even once did you complain or whinge or get cranky, you were such a brave little fella, and even when you were sick you still looked out for me and protected me. I was always so very very proud of you, proud to have you in my life, I was so lucky to have you in my lifetime. I hope I made you happy, I did the very best I could do.
17th July 2018
Well my precious boy, its another month gone by, but I still cry, but not for so long now, my heart still aches for you everyday though, I am so lonely in bed every night with out you, and its so cold now I wake and I miss your warm body snuggled up to me.
Every day I look at your toys, I look at your photos, I look at your videos, I look at your bears and your pet stroller, and your rugs and beds but there's no Jasper, what I would do to have you back, I just want you back, I want those years with you back again. I still see the grief counselor, she says I will never get over losing you, I will just learn to live with the grief. I cant escape the grief, some days will be good then the next day will be twice as bad. And I can be fine one minute and in tears the next minute.
I've sorted out your photos in the albums, so many of them, going through them made me miss you even more. I have never loved a dog like this before, I've never hurt like this before, its all making me so tired my heart just aches, some days I just feel so sick and exhausted and I just want the pain to stop but it wont.
I have days now when I realise you are actually gone, but still days when I still cant believe your gone, I guess I'm finding acceptance hard, you were my whole life and now your just gone., I still think how can something so perfect just die.
I still cant go out into the gardens, I try to but it hurts, so many memories that still hurt, your presence is so missed out there.
Everything is still the same here I moved nothing, I folded a drawer full of your coats and it didn't feel right I felt like messing them up again, cant fold any more everything I do makes it feel more final and I don't ever want to put you out of my life completely, I want your things around me forever. I just wish I could have you back but I know that's not possible.
Its so lonely sitting on the couch without you on my sick days, mommy is half way through a six month course of chemo, it must have been so lonely for you when I went out after we lost Brandy and Gary, you had nobody to sit with you, I've lost all three of you, I'm all alone now with just memories of you. I knew that one day you would just be a memory but I use to put that out of my mind it was too hard to think of. I don't know if there is a god but if there is I hope he is looking after you and Brandy's not picking on you.
My sweet boy, my heart aches for you and I still cry for you but I'm going to try to just write up here on the 17th of every month now, because mommy's scared of running out of room to write on your memorial, but I will still visit though, love you forever and ever, never stop thinking of you my precious boy. There is nothing I can say to explain how much I miss you. Kisses and hugs my sweet Jazzie xo
17th August 2018
Hello my precious boy, its now five months without you, I've changed you into spring since its only a week or so away, we wont put you into summer though because you hated summer, it was just too hot and we had to keep you locked up in air con all summer, only place I could take you in summer was the beach.
Its been so hard getting through winter without you, its been so hard sleeping in a cold bed and you not there all snuggled up to me, its been so hard sitting in this sun room every morning without you here, winter was when I took you on all your outings I missed that so much. I still cant do the gardens without you yet.
The Lawnton Show was on in the beginning of August, another first without you, we always went out onto the balcony to watch the fireworks from the show, this time I didn't go out onto the balcony, I just thought about how we use to do it together when you were here, all these firsts without you are so hard.
Freddy and I went down to the back rainforest garden, another first without you, I had tears I was really struggling without you there.
Jaz mommy had a really horrible nightmare about you and Brandy, it was horrible obviously things are playing on my mind.
Freddy says I'm getting better now although some days I really do wonder.
Mommy went doggy sitting for Deb, I went and looked after Chocki and C B, I thought I was ok but when I came back home and I didn't have my Jasper I just went to tears, I cant be with other doggy's just yet, it just doesn't feel right.
I've ordered another two ashes pendants to wear on a chain. I still sleep with the Teddy Bear with your ashes in it, I still take your bears to bed, I still have all your things. I will never stop loving you Jasper, I will never forget you, and I will never replace you and I miss you so much, I don't know why I love you so much but I just do.
17th September 2018
Jasper we've reached a milestone today, its now six months, today at 2.30pm I let you go to heaven., this is very hard for me to write up here today, mommy's trying to see through tears today, I think the fact that its now six months I'm having to accept that you have really gone, although I still have days I still just cant believe it, and sometimes it seems so long ago yet other times it seems like yesterday that I lost you. I still do find it hard to want to go on without you sometimes, but I know I have to but my life just seems meaningless now.
I picked up your last water bowl, that was hard to do, but I've put your beds back out in the lounge room and dining room.
Mommy has all your photos sorted now and put them into albums and frames, I have put some of your ashes into another two ashes pendants and bought chains for them. I have photos of you everywhere.
Our bedroom is our special place I always feel close to you in there with your ashes and your photo albums and all your Teddy's sleep in the bed with me.
I don't like going away from the house for too long, sometimes I feel your presence in the house, and I just want to get back to all your things, I've kept everything of yours and Brandy's.
On my bad days I go through your photos and videos, it makes me feel closer to you. I still sleep with all your Teddy Bears.
Well its officially Spring now, going into the second season without you, thank god winter is over.
After having you for 15 years it just all seems unreal some days.If I'm having a good day I'm able to talk about you without breaking down now, I actually don't cry much now I think I've run out of tears, sometimes I wish I could still cry it helps with the pain. I still talk to you every day and touch you in your photos.
A funny thing happened, your toy was on the mat where you played with them, I don't know how it got there, maybe I had it on the lounge with me and it dropped, but it was nice to see a toy on the mat again. I miss having your toys all over the place, the house seems so empty, it doesn't feel like a home now, its just an empty house without you.
Some days I still hear things like your nails on the timber floors and the sounds of you in the house I always look to see you, I've even felt you on our bed, its very comforting when those things happen, some days I think I can see you in the corner of my eye but it always turns out to be something else.
I still miss you terribly, just wish I could touch you and hug you again, some days I so badly want to touch you, thank god I have your photos and videos.
I just hope you knew how much you were loved. Mommy is leaving now, I will be back to visit you and I will write up on your memorial again 17th October.
17th October 2018
Well there goes another month, 7 months now .Gees I miss ya Jazz, I miss ya so much. My heart still aches for you, I'm having a good cry today, sobbing like a baby I am.
Its getting close to Christmas now, my first Christmas without you, really don't know how I'm going to handle that one, I obviously wont be doing any celebrating, I'm going to miss giving you your presents that you loved so much. We always had such a great Christmas, you loved the Christmas bags I did up for you and Brandy and I so loved watching you pull your presents out of the bag and unwrapping them yourselves. I remember I use to do them up weeks before Christmas and you use to stand there looking up at them everyday until Christmas Day, and then you were so excited to get them given to you.
I still say good morning to you everyday and goodnight, I still kiss you in your photos and talk to you all day, I still feel your presence and you are still such a huge part of my life., and you always will be. After having you in my life for 15 years, its so hard you just not being here now.
I'm going to go for another drive over to Redcliffe soon baby, like we use to do all the time, I've only been there twice since you left but I feel the need to go there soon, where we use to go together, just the two of us, I will sit by the sea and reflect on what we had together, the things we did together, the places we went together, just the two of us. I miss those outings so much, your car seat is still in the car along with your harness and one of your Teddy's.
I'm still having these nightmares about you Jazz.
I'm getting to do little bits in the garden now, only the back one, the front garden is a challenge because that was your favourite for chasing lizards and grasshoppers, still so lonely out there without you in it. I have some videos of you in the front garden chasing lizards and your little tail wagging so fast each time you found a scent, funny because you never caught one I think your fun was in chasing them.
I still find it hard to believe or accept you've gone, there's not a day goes by where I don't miss you terribly and still love you to bits. I will continue to say good morning and good night Jaz, tell you how much I love you and I'm missing you, you are always on my mind and in my heart sweet boy. I will write up again on the 17th November. Thinking about Christmas without you terrifies me baby.
Love and kisses to you my sweet boy xoxooxoxoxoxxooxxooxoxoxxxxxxxxxxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
17th November 2018
Well I cant believe its eight months now, and I still miss you so bad, having a bad day today. Mommy is having chemo again, its very hard without you here with me.
You sure made an impact on my life little man, one that I wasn't expecting, had lots of dogs and cats but no other like you, your a one and only, they broke the mould when they made you, my precious boy.
What a little trooper you were through your whole life, even with all your medical issues, how you held on till the very end, you didn't want to leave me I knew that. You were the best puppy I could have asked for, at 6 weeks old you were passed over to me from your breeder, I put a puppy collar on you with a leash and you walked so dam perfect it was amazing. When I got you home I took photo after photo and you posed perfectly for them. I crate trained you and you were toilet trained in no time at all, you were so perfect and so easy to look after, so funny the way you fell asleep anywhere, even in your food bowl sometimes.
In a few months you were the happiest little puppy and seemed you just didn't have any faults you were just perfect, how did I get so lucky.
I know we had issues with Brandy accepting you, Brandy had issues with himself, he was very jealous, very dominating, he could be just plain nasty, but you still tried so hard to fit in with him, you even climbed into his bed with him in it but you knew straight away you were not welcome so you climbed out and laid beside the bed, it was heartbreaking that Brandy wasn't accepting you.
You grew into the most friendly little doggy Id ever known, you loved everybody you met, and everyone fell in love with you too, except old Brandy boy. We started having real issues with Brandy not accepting you and he was attacking you so we eventually got Brandy onto medication he had bad mental issues from being overly inbred by his breeder, even though he had been fully obedience trained he still lost it. I use to feel so sorry for you and twice I tried to have Brandy euthanized for your sake but couldn't go through with it because he was healthy physically and he was still a young dog so we just tried our best to control his behaviour., but unfortunately you were unable to trust any other dog then that you first met until you knew they weren't like Brandy and they weren't going to be attacking you. I guess that may have been how we had such a strong bond between us, I was your constant protector and you were mine because he would bite me too, he would bite anyone, and through all this you still grew into the most compassionate little doggy, you were so very special.
You were a little mischievous during your teenage years,, doggy teens that is, you had holes dug all over the back yard, you loved to dig and you even dug under the fence one day lucky I was there to see you, I soon learnt I couldn't leave you alone outside so then we became joined at the hip, where Jazzie was mommy was and where mommy was Jazzie was, and this was how we spent the rest of our life together, we developed such a strong bond.
You spent hours in the gardens chasing lizards and grasshoppers, you had such a strong hunting instinct that you chased anything that moved, so mommy made the gardens so they were safe for you to play in, you ended up with your own grasshopper garden, and we took videos of you playing in them. You had many happy years even though we struggled with Brandy. when you got older you struggled with allergies and we were at the vet a lot for many years and you had a sensitive tummy too you were vomiting a lot so we had all sorts of meds and creams for you, I eventually asked to see a dermatologist and he suggested immunotherapy injections. You also struggled with your shoulders but there was no guarantee surgery would fix them, you were only about 8 years old, so more meds for your shoulders. we ended up doing the immunotherapy injections which was horribly horrible because I was the one who had to give you the injections, you were so brave through all all of this, you never once complained about any of your health issues and your treatments.
You were starting to get very scared when I took you to the vet you shook so bad you looked like you were having a nervous breakdown, so we tried some new vets and you were fine then, something must have scared you at the previous vet., then I felt so bad because I didn't change vets sooner, I thought you would have been the same nervous doggy at any vet but you weren't, so I don't know what happened to you there., but I was sure glad you were comfortable at the other vets. they all said you were the perfect boy.
You were very sick in the end because the immunotherapy injections gave you Cushing's so then we had to deal with that, so we went to a new vet again this time a Holistic Vet and you were very comfortable with him, he actually had you getting much better almost well again, but then you decided you didn't want to take any more tablets or powders I think you were just sick of taking all that stuff and I didn't blame you. As sick as you were I knew you just didn't want to go, I tried everything to try to get you well but I just couldn't do it for you, I would have gone to the other end of the earth to get you well, but you were slipping back again without your treatment and I had to do the right thing Jaz, I could not let you suffer any longer. It was the hardest goodbye I've ever made in my life. I miss you terribly. Love you forever my boy xoxoxooxxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox
17th December 2018
Hi precious boy, mommy's been in hospital for 10 days, been in a lot of pain from ascites, guess I will be going back for more chemo. Been a hard month with Christmas coming up without you here, not looking forward to it at all. I have a couple of good days then I slip back and have a really bad day. I'm missing you so bad, I've gone through all your photos again today, they do make me smile now but nothing stops me missing you. If your up at RainbowsBridge Jazzie I hope your happy, I hope your not worried about me. Love you baby xoxoxo
7th January 2019
Its your Birthday today sweet boy, you would be 16 today, I wish I could hold you and hug you. I'm going to take your rug out and give you another toy for your birthday. I hope your having fun playing, I hope your happy that's all I ever wanted for you was to be happy and pain free. You take care of Baby Bee, I know you love her, I know my boy. I will be back on the 17th January precious. You go have fun. xoxoxox
17th January 2019
Ten months today Jaz, it doesn't seem like ten months. Christmas was hard, it was my first Christmas without you, and without any dogs, it just wasn't the same, lots of tears. If your up there at RainbowsBridge Jazzie I hope you had fun with Baby Bee and your other friends up there, I don't want you worrying about mommy, I want you to be happy. I didn't put the Christmas tree up this year it was only ever for you and Brandy, no presents this year. I still have all your toys and everything, nothing has changed except your not here with me. I really hope your happy baby boy where ever you are. I love you so much and miss you so much. xoxoxooxxo
17th February 2019
Well there goes another month baby, next month its your one year anniversary. I tried to put my antidepressants down baby to where they were before you left, it didn't work mommy was crying for days on end, so I've put them back up again. I dont think Im ever going to be the same as I was when you were here, mommys a different person now. I will carry you in my heart for the rest of my life my boy, and I think I will carry this sadness with me forever. Some days it still seems a bit surreal, you had such a huge personality its still hard to imagine its just gone with you.
Freddy pulled the puppy fence down since there wont be anymore doggies here, I had tears seeing it come down, I had to walk away. Mommy put that fence up for you to keep you close up the the house where you were safe. everytime something of your goes its like I lose another part of you, not that much has gone I still have everything else of yours and Brandys.
They tell me its going to be hard when its gets to the one year anniversary, maybe thats why Im crying now, I do seem to have slipped back a lot.
Mommy sends you and Bee lots and lots of hugs and kisses, I love you my precious boy, I will love you forever
17th March 2019
One year today Jaz, its one year today that I lost you baby, mom is trying to write through tears, its so weird you being gone a whole year, it still seems weird your not here although Im starting to accept it more that your not coming back. Im sobbing here like a baby its just making it more real writing it up, why is it so hard, it's been the hardest year of my whole life.
I never thought I could miss and grieve something this bad but you were and still are my soul mate, you have my heart forever.
I took your medicines and tablets out of the fridge, I told myself I would let them go when it was a year, but it still hurt letting them go, its like Im letting a part of you go. I still have everything else of yours here, everything except you, I still have your beds and toys out, I have your Teddys , your bed is still in the car with your harness and leashes, sometimes I wish I could let some things go because everywhere I look I see your things in every room and even downstairs but I guess Im hanging on to all I have left of you, everything of yours is precious to me, even your tooth brushes and I still have the treats I bought for you and you never got a chance to eat them.
I often wonder what your thoughts were in the end, when you knew you were very sick, what were you thinking, did you know you would be leaving me, did you wonder what was going to happen to you, did you know that last vet visit was going to be goodbye. Grief is the most horrible thing and I am glad that I have the grief and not you, god knows I would not want you to feel like this.
I'm going to light your candle today and go over your photos and videos and try to reflect on some happy memories, I can smile now when I look at your photos and videos, its hard not to smile at them you were such a happy little dog until you got sick. I just wish I could have you back so I could explain to you why you had to go.
Mommy doesn't know if there's really a heaven and a RainbowsBridge but if there is and if your up there in the heavens I hope your happy playing with Baby Bee and Dakoda and all the other friends you made, I hope your not missing me like I'm missing you I want you to be happy. We will be together again one day, you'll be coming with mommy in the end. I hope you know how much I love you still, I wont ever stop loving and missing you precious boy.
Love you and miss you forever and ever my baby Jaz. xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxooxoxxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxooxxooxxoxoxooxxo
17th April 2019
Well there goes another month Jazzie, and its our second Easter apart and mommy really is sad today, I think I was oblivious to last Easter. Winter is around the corner and I'm sitting here in the sun room alone and without you, I don't think I will ever get use to it. Nothing is changed here Jaz, everything is still the same as when you were here except for the continual sadness. I've left all your gardens that you loved so much go to rack and ruin and I hate myself for that because you loved playing in those gardens so much, I just have no interest in them now that your not here playing in them.
I know now I wont ever get over losing you, I'm just trying to learn to live with this grief now, I know now I wont ever be able to love another dog my grief for you is too strong, you have my heart and I have yours. I'm trying to remember the happy times, I'm trying now to not think of the last few weeks of your life, because they only were just a few weeks out of 15 wonderful years.
I hope your happy playing with Bee and Dakoda, you look after Baby Bee, I know you will because your so caring. I love you so much, mommy still cry's but not as much now. Until we meet again baby. xoxoxoxoxo
17th May 2019
Missing you bad today, its always hard when I'm alone and Freddy's gone home, I have nothing to distract me and my thoughts are on you all day. Its been really cold all of May, I wake in the mornings and your not there snuggling up to my chest keeping me warm and then I miss you so badly. Mommy's in tears today, I read through your memorial again, its still so painful not having you here, and I still get those heart wrenching days but I guess not as often now but I wont ever get use to you not being here.
Mommy was in hospital again my health has gone down since you left and I'm not surprised since I didn't even want to be alive after you left, it has taken its toll on me.
I'm better with Freddy now, he was so patient with me for so long after I lost you, I couldn't feel anything for anyone or anything other than you Jaz, I think you knew how much I loved you and still do and always will. Well this is going to be our second winter apart, its probably going to be a little bit easier than the last one I hope. Mommy's going on a cruise soon with somebody you know, I always said I would do holidays when you left. I love you my boy, I love you to the other end of the earth and back.
17th June 2019
Hello my sweet boy, still missing you, mommy is in tears right now. Jazzie mommy had some drinks with Freddy, and it was the first time I had drinks since you left, I really missed you terribly and I just got terribly depressed.
Time has passed and most things, all those first times without you, they've mostly all been done, but I haven't had drinks before without you here and I don't think I want to try that again. There are some things that you and I did together that I wont ever want to do again because its just not the same without you, I still miss you terribly my little Jazzie and I still love you to the moon and back. I wish I knew if there really is a heaven, it would make things so much easier.
Jaz Freddy lost Bella, she had an enlarged heart and fluid so he let her go to Rainbows Bridge, its brought back all the memories of when I had to let you go. I'm really missing you bad again my precious baby. If there is a heaven I hope your up there enjoying yourself with all the other doggies. I love you my baby Jaz, forever.
I thought I heard you bark the other day but it was just a dog down the road, but it was nice to have that thought for a few seconds. xoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxo
17th July 2019
Jaz I just cant get you out of my mind sometimes and the pain in my heart is always there. I still think to myself, your actually gone, gone forever and not coming back, your just gone. I miss you so much. I hope there is a Rainbows Bridge, I hope you are playing with other doggies and I hope you are very happy.
Things have changed here, Freddy brought Billy down here for me to look after, you know Bella died about 3 weeks ago she was sick and nobody noticed so I don't want the same to happen to Billy and Brie although I really cant look after Brie too. Having Billy here has been hard because he came with nothing so I've had to give him some of your beds and clothes because its winter, it really hurts me seeing your beds and clothes and your not in them. I`ll never stop loving you and I`ll never stop missing you, you are my soul mate and always will be.. I love you so very much my baby Jaz. Having Billy here wont change anything, you are my boy, my love, my everything.
Having Billy here is keeping me busy and I guess I'm not so lonely now I have someone to come home to again but it will never be like coming home to you Jazzie. you were and still are my perfect boy, I love you so very very much.
17th August 2019
Hello again my precious boy, cant believe 17 months have passed by, its doesnt seem like it, sometimes its just like yesterday I lost you.The memories of losing you are so strong and I don't think they'll ever leave me.
I am starting to have some happy memories now but I still cry too, like right now! I still cry when I talk about you to people and I wish I wouldn't, because I want to be able to tell everyone how good you were, how special you were and still are, how you were my whole entire life, how I will never forget you in a million years, I was so lucky to have had you in my lifetime. Everybody loved you and yet you were so loyal you wouldn't leave my side.
Mommy's having trouble believing there's a RainbowsBridge but I'm trying, because I want to see you again, I want to be with you again. If there is then Rozzi and Gary should be looking after you up there, and I hope your playing with all your doggy friends. Sending you hugs and kisses my precious boy, I love you to the moon and back, always and forever. xoxooxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxooxxxoxoxoooxoxxxoxoxoxoxooxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxo
17th September 2019
Hello my precious boy. I look at your photos and videos almost everyday, I talk to you say good morning and good night to you and sometimes its almost like your real and still here, but I know your not, my heart is still heavy and I miss you every single day, I even get angry sometimes because your not here, I wanted to keep you forever.
You were so perfect in every way, you never did a thing wrong you just wanted to please me and you did everyday, I never could understand how something so perfect could just die like that, you should have been here forever.
You made me happy, you made me laugh you made me proud, I was so lucky to have had you in my life for 15 years, I wont ever love like that again, that was a once in a lifetime love and I'm glad it was you Jasper. You will always be with me in my heart and I`ll love you for the rest of my life and then we`ll be together again. I love you Jasper. xoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxxooxoxoxoxoxxoxooxoxxoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxxooxxooxoxxoxoxooxoxxoxo
17th October 2019
Well here I am again my precious, the months seem to be slipping by faster now, so I guess that means I'm starting to heal Jaz, I can look at your photos now and I feel so much love for you, without the pain some days, so it is getting easier, however I still miss you terribly, there's not a day goes by without me missing you. Im crying now, I still do cry my baby boy, my little man, I don't know what I`ll do when I can no longer write up here, I guess I`ll be going back to my journal again..I still do get angry some days that you had to leave me, I get angry that you got sick, angry that you couldn't live forever, never angry at you though.
I still have Billy here Jaz, he`s so different to you, a complete opposite, I cant love him you've taken my whole heart with you, but I don't want to love another anyway, you'll never be replaced. I'm really struggling with Billy he`s so dam naughty and wont do a thing for me,. I like him and Im giving him a good home, but it will always be me and you Jaz, your a once in a lifetime love Jasper. If there is a heaven up there for doggies I think you'll know I still love you very much, sending lots of love and kisses and hugs to you xoxoxooxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
17th January 2020
My goodness, were in a new year, I missed November and December, its been so crazy having Billy here, then mommy went on a big holiday and been so sick too, still trying to catch up. Well Billy's gone back home Jaz, he just was not suited for indoor living. Well I got to meet Bee`s mommy and big Jaspers mommy too, we got to go on a cruise together. Been struggling with this cancer Jaz, first time its been a problem really, but then I guess I cant keep going forever with it. Michaels been coming around a lot to check on me.