My baby boy Jackson. You were the most precious thing to me. You were such a funny guy with a personality as big as the moon. You could make me laugh when all I felt like doing was cry. You motivated me to get out of the house and walk or go for a ride even when I did not want to or did not feel like it. You always got your way for you had my heart. |
You were my very best friend, the one who was there when no one else was. You were my running partner, my walking buddy, my ride-a-long, my sidekick. We spent very little time apart. I still walk the paths through the woods and the neighborhood where we walked hundreds of miles in the short 9 years that I had you. I know every bush, every mailbox that you stopped to check out. No matter where I go in the house, the garage, or the back yard, I see you everywhere. I swear sometimes I hear your collar when you would shake or scratch.
Going to the bank now sure is different. When I get into the car, I can see you in the passenger seat, standing up, head out the window. How you loved to go for a ride but especially to the bank. You knew when we went through that drive through window you were going to get a treat from the lady. You were so sweet the way you would look back at me while riding. You would often put your paw on my right forearm and just look at me and then you would turn back to hang your head back out the window. Yes, my bank runs are depressing now.
I actually miss having to vacuum the house 2 and 3 times a day to get up all of your fur. How I wish I had that "problem" now. I loved how you would nip playfully at my sides and back when I would stoop down to dust off the entertainment center. You would never want me to finish my work. You wanted to play instead and that was okay.
I loved when we would play "chase" and you would chase me down the hall and when I'd turn around you'd run ahead of me so I was chasing you. We would go around and around the sofa and love seat in a circle until I would get dizzy. Oh how I miss that. How I miss you.
How I only so desperately wish that I could have helped you and I could have saved you. The decision that was made was the hardest thing I ever faced. The guilt I now carry is all-consuming. I don't sleep much nor eat a whole lot these days. I never dreamed things would end the way they did or as abruptly as it happened. That night was so unexpected. I just hope you know how much you were loved unconditionally. I hope you can forgive me, for right now I can't seem to forgive myself. I wish I could have helped you. God above knows how desperately I wish I could have helped you. I'm so so sorry baby boy that I couldn't help you and that last time, that last incident, surpassed my "fearing" you out of respect for how you were with your issues, and took me to a place of "being scared" of you. I feared you before, but I had never been scared of you until after that night. And we saw the progression, though, leading up to that night and we knew from every vet and animal behavior specialist that it would happen again and that it might be worse. My heart did not want to believe that, did not want to accept that. But I did become scared of you and I had no one to help me with you, no one willing to come along side of me and try to help me with you. And I am so very sorry for that. Please forgive me. Please forgive me that I couldn't save you. My heart is just crushed inside. I'm so sorry baby. I'm so sorry.
Please know that the good times far exceeded the "bad". The only thing I would change is the ending of your story. You were a good dog in so many ways...my best friend. Even had I been able to see in the future and see what would happen the night of Feb. 1, I would have still welcomed you into my home and into my heart. And I would have still loved you just as I did and always will. You were my baby boy, my little pumpernickel, my Action Jackson. My heart and my life has a huge hole in it now for you took it with you and there it will forever stay.
I know you are finally at perfect peace now...no fear, no anxiety...just perfect peace. I look forward to the day that I get to experience that same peace with you.
Know you will never be forgotten, you could never be replaced, and you will forever be in my heart and loved.
Love forever and always,
3/15/2018 - Well baby boy, today is your 9th birthday. How my heart aches to see you again, to take you for your morning walk, to scratch your "butt"...that magic spot on your back. On that last block to the house, you always stopped and looked up at me, wanting me to scratch the magic spot. How I wish I could do that one more time. I just can't forgive myself for having you put down. It seems so unfair. I wish I knew what went through your mind that night when you attacked me and hurt me. How I wish I knew what I did that made you respond that way. I know I made a lot of mistakes as your "mama". I never raised a furbaby before. I tried to show you love in every thing I did. I never took any good thing from you. I spoiled you, maybe too much so and not enough boundaries. I'm so so sorry I was such an epic fail as your mama. I know it's my fault you are no longer here with me. There is such an empty hole in my heart now. I wish I could do things over again. Your story's ending would be so different. Just please know that I loved you with all my heart and soul. I always will. There will never be another you. No other furbaby will ever be able to fill your shoes or the void in my heart. I love you my little Action Jackson. Happy Birthday, Baby Boy!
4/12/18 - It has been two months now since I have seen you, heard your bark, thrown the ball down the hall for you to chase. My heart still aches so much. There is an emptiness to every thing now. I wake up in the middle of the night and think of you, knowing you are not in the next room on your bed. Life goes on for me but it isn't the same. How I wish so badly I had not bothered to take you out for one final time that night before bed time. You didn't even really pee much. If I had not taken you out and just left you on your bed, you would still be here. I never dreamed in a million years that in about 30 seconds everything would change so drastically. I still stand at the back door where "it" happened and wonder what went through your mind. Did you even know you hurt me? Did you mean to? In that 30 seconds, you made me so afraid of you. I hate that I was afraid of you and that I couldn't get beyond it. Everyone told me that it would happen again and that it would only get worse. I know they were probably right but that doesn't make me feel better. It only makes me feel even worse because I couldn't help you at that point. Please just know I love you so much. I hope you knew that I love you.
5/12/18 - It has been 3 months now since I saw that adorable face, heard your bark, or had you to come charging behind me and head butt me in the behind when you wanted to play. The past two weeks sure have been hard baby boy. It's like the pain of losing you is fresh all over again instead of getting better. I'm just so sorry that I didn't feel I could save you. I wanted to go get you before they put you to sleep. But I was so scared of you, that the next time would be worse. I hate that I didn't know how to help you. I hate that I found out so much too late. I love you with all of my heart and I miss you terribly. This is just so unfair...unfair to you mostly, but unfair to all of us who love you. How I wish I could turn back time and not be so afraid and go back and get you and bring you home...give you another chance. Please forgive me, Jackson...I'm so sorry. Please know that mama loves you and would never have hurt you or taken anything good thing away from you. I'm so sorry you didn't trust me. I failed you...please forgive me.
6/12/18 - Four whole months and yet it seems like an eternity since I have seen you. How my heart breaks every day over what happened and how I felt I could not help you, could not save you. I love you baby boy. How I wish I could have taken your place. I don't visit your memorial too often because it just hurts too much. I miss you more than I can put into words. Please...Please...just know that I love you more than anything. Little Mitzy has joined you now. How my parents heart is breaking now as well. I know they understand my grief. Please keep their little girl in your care. I know you will take good care of her. I love and miss you so much...how I miss my little Action Jackson.
7/12/18 - Five months and as I write this my heart grieves so deeply. I wish I could have saved you. I wanted to go get you and bring you home. God, how I wish I had given you one more chance. I'm so sorry baby boy. Mama is so sorry. I love and miss my best friend, my buddy, my little Action Jackson.
8/25/18 - I'm a little late in writing this month but it isn't because I have forgotten you. It's just hard sometimes to come here. I'm crying even now, with my heart ripping out of my chest thinking of your last days, how miserable I know you were. God, how I am so very sorry Jackson. I'm so sorry. I miss you every day and every day I regret not giving you one more chance. Everyone tells me that I did the best thing for everyone, that you would have only gotten worse. If only I had not been so ignorant in the do's and the do not's when you were little this probably would have never happened and you would still be here. I'm so sorry I failed you as your mom...
9/27/18 - I'm late again baby boy but not because I have forgotten you. We had Hurricane Florence to come right through our little city. I know you would have been at the end of the hall right by my bedroom - it's where you felt safe and secure. How I love and miss you every day. It's still hard to talk about even though it has been 7 months since that awful night. I wish I understood. I'm still so very sorry I let you down as your mom. I wish I had known then what I know now. You would still be here. Please forgive me, Jackson. I never meant for anything like this to happen. There's a part of my heart that will always be empty without you. You are truly one of the most precious things that I ever received in this world. Mama loves you with all of her heart.