Heny Jenkins is what we would playfully call him, or Big Boy. He was a proud and beautiful boy. He loved his mommy and daddy with all his heart. We loved him more than anyone could ever imagine. When he first came into our life he fit into the palm of our hand. He was just a little brown ball of fur. He slept with us the very first night. He would jump on the bed and lay his little brown head on my arm. I would give him butterfly kisses on his cheek until he would roll over for a belly rub and then doze off to sleep. He would bark at his daddy to play bear with him. He would plant his little body right in front of his daddy and bark until his dad would throw his little brown bear. He would run and get the bear and bring it back and play fight over the bear. Cancer took my baby away from me. I don't think that I will ever get over the loss of him. I miss him so much that I ache all over. I look for him everywhere; I whisper his name late at night, just hoping and praying that he will come back to me. Just one more hug or one more kiss. I pray that he is in heaven, that he knows how loved he was and that I can see him again some day.|
April 17, 2008
Henry, it has been a little over two weeks since you left us. Words can not explain how much I miss you. I would give anything just to hold you one more time. Not a day goes by that I don't cry. Home just doesn't feel like home anymore. With you gone, I feel like part of my heart has been ripped from me. It's so hard to sit and watch tv or cook dinner, really it's just hard to live without you my sweet little boy. I can't sleep at night; I just toss and turn and think about you. My life is so empty without your little furry body. I hope that you are happy and safe. I can not wait until I can hold you in my arms again.
April 22, 2008
It's been three weeks since I lost you my precious little baby. Mommy misses you so bad. I can't get through even one day without crying. The nights are the worst. I hope that you are having nothing but fun. If I could I would just go to sleep and wake up where you are at. That's how bad I miss you. Sometimes the pain washes over me in waves so huge that I loose my breath. My precious little boy, how I wish that you could come home to Mommy again. I don't know that I can go on much longer without you.
April 29, 2008
It's been a month today since you crossed over. I can't say that it's any easier now than it was then. If anything I miss you more. What I would give to just hold you one more time. I took your vet. a Thank You card today. It took everything in me to just pull in the parking lot. I managed to walk in and ask the receptionist if she would give it to Dr. Taylor. I broke down before I reached the car. I kept thinking this was the last place I held you, talked to you, saw you. I will never stop missing you. A part of my heart died the moment you took your last breath. I am so lost without you. Not a minute goes by that I don't think of you and miss your sweet little soul.
May 6, 2008
Hi Henry, it's been five weeks since I last saw you. It's no easier now than it was the day you left. I think that maybe I have cried all my tears out. Now I just hurt all over. I feel restless, lost, and tired. I would give anything to have you back with me. I keep replaying the last few months over and over in my mind. If I had done things different would you be here with me? Is it my fault, was I stupid? I didn't see the signs soon enough; I didn't take you to the best doctor, I chose the wrong treatment? What did I do wrong? If only I could stop my brain from thinking and re-thinking all my choices I made for you maybe I could find some peace. All I know is that I want you here with me again. I want to hear your bark as I pull into the driveway. I want to see you quivering with excitement when I walk in the door. I want to hold your little body just one more time. If I had known that we were sharing our last night together I would have never let you go. I would have held you so tight and rubbed your little tummy all night long. Now I cry.....Sitting here at work crying. There is no end to this pain, as long as you are gone I am lost. It's pretty outside now, the flowers on your grave are blooming. Is it pretty where you are my baby? I pray everytime I pull down our drive that God will just give you back. That he will just make an exception and place your little body right there in the living room floor waiting for me to walk in. Sometimes I almost convince myself that you are there, but you never are. The other babies wait for me to come in but not you. It seems that what God takes he doesn't give back. You were his before you were mine, he just took you back home. I love you forever my little brown boy.
Six weeks and counting my baby. Will this pain ever end? Of course not....As long as you are gone I will be in pain. Mommy misses you so much. I would do anything to have you back. I contacted a animal communicator. She knew so much about you, things she couldn't have known. I have to believe that she was talking to you. It is the only thing that keeps me breathing. I just want you to come back to me. I can't sleep; I can't think; I can't work. I have never felt such a loss, such heartache as I do over losing you. I didn't cry yesterday, well a little when I called to make Missy a vet. appointment and they asked me if it was for you. I just felt so sick to my stomach. If only it were for you. I wanted to pretend that it was for you that you were just a little sick and going to the vet. I have no idea how to get over this. I don't even know that it is possible. I miss you so much that every fiber of my being cries. I replay the vets. words to me over and over in my head. "I have good news and bad news" Even then I had hope. His last call had no good news. I knew when the phone rang so early that you were gone. I just couldn't stand to think it was true. "He's gone Betty, he died in the night". How is that possible when I just saw you a few hours earlier. I don't drive by the vets office anymore. I know that you are not there. I know that you are gone my love. Donna, the nice animal communicator said that you were coming back to me in 6 months as a puppy. Is that possible? Could it be true. I pray to God that I am not just grasping at straws to stay sane. You must come back to me. Daddy and the other babies miss you too. Daddy cries when he thinks I am not looking. He misses his big boy. We were so blessed to have you in our lives. We are so tortured without you in our lives. Why couldn't you stay just a while longer? I would give everything I own or will ever own to walk through the front door and see your sweet little trembling body. Trembling with excitment to see us, then your barking and crying which led to the howling as I picked you up. Trust me I was just as glad to see you my sweet boy. Mommy loves you Henry, mommy loves you forever and forever. Till we meet again, all my love, all my heart goes to you.
May 20, 2008
Hey Big Boy, Mommy didn't forget you, just a few days late on posting. I guess this is silly to sit here and write to you, but somehow it seems to help me. It's hard for me to believe that you have been gone for 7 weeks, it feels like 7000 years since I last saw you. I stayed all night with Sissy last night; I didn't cry, not even one time. I still feel empty and hollowed out inside. My heart is still broken into a million peices. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around how to live without you. Henry I miss you so very much. If only you knew, actually I hope you don't know the pain I am in. I only want you to be happy and safe. No worries about your Mommy. I have your little picture sitting here beside my desk as I type. I hold it close to me a few times a day or just glance over to make sure that you are still there. Daddy and I took Missy to see the vet. last week. It was so hard for me to go into that place. We were put in the very room that I spent my last hour with you. It was killing me. I could just see you laying on the floor or sitting in my lap in the floor. I saw your little face in Missys as he carried her out of the room for blood work. We are still waiting to hear back from him. Hopefully all will go well. I don't know what I would do if I lost another one of you so soon. Losing you has just about killed me. I planted more flowers at your gravesite and I bought a Rose bush to plant behind your tombstone. You would like it. You would hike your little leg and pee on every shrub and flower there and then scratch off slinging grass over your back and behind your head. I can still see you digging up dirt in the yard. We miss you so much Henry. I saw a baby like you were this weekend. He was only six weeks old, just like you were when you came to us. I held him and snuggled his little body next to my face and pretended that he was you. I didnt buy him. I will wait on you forever. Nothing or no one can replace you. You must come back to me. I will love and miss you for as long as I live. Mommy loves you Big Boy.....
May 28th 2008
Two months Henry, yet it feels like years since I have held your little body or heard your little barks. I stood on the deck yesterday and closed my eyes, imagining you running through the yard, smiling that big smile and looking up to see if I were watching you. It almost felt real. If only I could keep my eyes closed forever and see you always playing in the yard, or sitting in my lap. I am guessing that this pain will never end. I will miss you and hurt for the rest of my life. I have not done well this week. I have cried almost everyday. I would just be sitting watching tv or cooking dinner and waves of anguish would wash over me. It was like I was hearing that you were dead all over again. You were the best boy in the world. I loved you so much, if I could have given you years from my own life I would have done so in a minute. But, God doesn't work that way. He gives and he takes, there is nothing we can do about it. Missy is sicker; I have to take her to the vet. this Friday. It doesn't sound good for her. I can't believe that I may lose another baby just two short months after losing you. I wonder sometimes if it wouldn't be better to just not love at all. Whoever said better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all is full of it. I do have wonderful memories of you but the pain of losing you is more than I can bear at times. If only I could have saved you. If only I had been richer I could have swooped you up and rushed you to the best of the best vets. I let you down. I let you die. My precious love, my little brown boy, I failed you. Please come back, please come back, please come back, please come back, please come back, please come back.
June 3 2008
Hello my sweet boy. Mommy is just sitting here at work thinking about you. It's raining and storming outside. I guess it doesn't rain in heaven or have storms for you to be afraid of. I miss you more than you could ever know my little man. I couldn't sleep last night because I missed you so bad. I cried until I finally fell asleep. I just can not believe that you are really and truly gone. How is it possible that you are not here? You are not here, you are not with me, you are not at home, you are not in the yard, you are gone....I just can't seem to accept or believe that you are gone. I ask Sissy and Daddy is Henry really dead. Why I have to hear those words I do not know. Why I can't just let go, I don't know. I just can't believe that you are not going to pop around the door smiling that big smile at me or that you are not going to be lying beside me when I wake up of the morning. God could give you back to me if he would. I have begged him to give you back. I pray all the way home from work to just let you be sitting there when I walk in. I listen for your bark before I go in, but you are never there. He won't give you back no matter how hard I beg or pray. He took you from me and he won't give you back. I just keep adding things to your little grave. I plant floweres on top of flowers and added two wooden baskets and two more flowers this weekend. Daddy said that he thought I had about enough out there. I don't know why I feel like I need to keep adding and adding, maybe I am hoping that it will bring you back or that I can pile it high enough to stand on and jerk you from heaven. I have your picture sitting on the window beside my desk. Hardly a hour, or even a minute goes by that I don't think of you. What I would give to have you sitting in my lap, just for one more hour. If I could just have you for one hour then I could let go. Maybe I could pray for just one more hour with you and God would grant that request. I love you Henry, forever and always I will miss you and love you with all of what's left of my heart. Mommy....
June 4, 2008
Hey Henry, Mommy is just sitting here thinking about you. I had a dream last night that you were alive and well. You were lying on a beach watching me pack up our stuff to go home. You looked perfect and beautiful. Why can't you really be alive? I stayed with Sissy last night but I have to go home today. I dread walking through the door, because I know that you are not there. It's wrong for me to feel that way because of the other babies. They are happy to see mommy too. I just really need to see your little smiling face along with theirs. How am I supposed to live without you? Sissy said that I needed to go on, to accept that you were gone and look forward to the time when we are together again in heaven. I can't seem to do that. I am going to believe Donna and look for you to come back to me in another little puppies body. I don't care what daddy says about reincarnation; I have to believe that it's true. If I have no hope of seeing you again for a long time then I have no hope of living. Until I find you again, know that you have my love and my heart, always and forever. Love Mommy
June 11, 2008
Hello my sweet little boy. I hope that you are happy in heaven. Mommy sure does miss you. I try so hard not to be sad all the time but most of the time I am just faking a smile or a laugh. It just seems like I don't have anything to smile about since you left. I will go a few days and not cry and be almost normal and then I can just be sitting watching tv or eating dinner and the tears will begin to flow. I miss you more and more each day. I keep seeing your little face as the vet. carried you out of the room. I think to myself if only I had said no. NO, NO,NO, let me have him. If only I had rushed you to UT would you have lived? Would you still be here with me. Or what if I had not had anything done??? would you still be here with me? I think so. I think that I caused you to die by doctoring you too much. I can not live with the guilt of that. Henry, how can I apologize, when you are gone. I promised you as the vet. left the room that I would be back for you. You died wondering where I was at. Oh, Dear God!!! I can not stand it. I can not live without you. I love you so much. I never realized that it would hurt this bad or that you filled such a large my of my life. It just seems so empty and sad without you with me. How can I ever live without you? How can I ever go on without you? Please come back to Mommy, please come home Henry.
June 17 2008
Henry my love, I miss you so much that it is actually killing me each and every day. I try so hard not to cry but the tears seem to just slip out. I can just be driving down the road or watching tv and it hits me like a ton of bricks in the gut. You are gone. You have been gone for so long it seems. I would give anything to see you. Mommy and Daddy are thinking about moving to Richmond with the other babies. I hate to move and leave your little grave. I cleaned up a spot on the carpet this weekend where you had been sick and left a stain. I cried the whole time I cleaned and still feel bad about cleaning it. How stupid is that?? It's like I am living in a nightmare that will not end. I'm sorry but I can't write anymore right now. I am crying and I am afraid that someone will come into my office. I will come back when I have a better grip on myself. Just know that you are always on my mind and in my heart. My life will never be the same without out, never. Love always Mommy
June 27, 2008
Hello my sweet boy. Mommy sure is missing you an awful lot this week. I have not managed to get through even one day this week without crying. I just don't understand how that the pain keeps getting worse and worse. I guess because it's longer and longer since I last saw you. I miss you so bad that I can not catch a good breath. I had lunch with Sissy yesterday and had to get up and leave because I just started crying. I could not stop. I tried to hold the tears in and they just kept slipping out. I finally just got up and went outside and waited on Sissy. It's been like that all week for me. You are on my mind constantly. I have a lump in my throat that will not go away. I have an empty cold hole inside my chest that keeps me from breathing deeply. Sissy said that I was going to have to get a grip oh myself or I would end up going crazy. What she doesn't now is I have already gone way past crazy. I think about you all the time. I replay our last day together over and over in my mind. I keep thinking that instead of dropping you off at the vet and going to work that I should have stayed with you. I shouldn't have believed them when I called and they said you were fine. I only had one hour with you that day, after work and I could tell that something was very wrong. I keep seeing you looking back over the vet's shoulder at me as he packed you out the door. Were you telling me STAY WITH ME, DONT LEAVE ME. Or was you telling me goodbye forever Mommy; I will never see you again and I am so sad. Maybe Mommy will see you soon my love. Always in my heart, my love Goodbye for now.
Hello sugar pup. Mommy hasn't forgotton about you. I just ran out of room to type anything. I printed off all your pages and will just delete the last entry everytime. I guess it seems silly, but I feel like I have not talked to you unless I type it here on this blank page. I miss you so much. I love you with every fiber of my being. I didn't cry last night but the night before was awful. It just hit me in waves of pain that you were not there. I roamed all over the house looking for you. I just sat and cried until I fell asleep on the couch. Why can't you come back to me? Why won't God just give you back? He can do anything why can't he do this, or why won't he?
December 4, 2008
I have not forgotton you big boy. It's been 7 months now. I miss you with all my heart. I will love you until I die. You are one of a kind. My big brown boy, mama's baby. Are you home with me,is your spirit really in the little puppy I brought home. The animal communicator says it's you. I want to believe that you have come back to me with all my heart, but I just don't know. Why did you have to leave in the first place? Why can't I have you, all of you, your body and your soul. Am I just fooling myself thinking that the new puppy is really you? I don't want to fool myself. I only want you. Please let it be you.
January 23, 2009
My big boy, how was your Christmas? I missed you this year. I remember your daddy calling me and telling me that you were sick just a few days before Christmas. I had no idea that you were that sick. I would give anything to have saved you. If only I could have made you well; I would have given everything I had to have saved you. I love you as much today as I did the day you left me. The new puppy does act a lot like you, but I don't know if it's really you. I am afraid that I am only fooling myself because I can't stand to think that your not back. I just wanted you as you were, exactly as you were. I will miss you forever my precious baby. Mommy loves you Henry, always did and always will.
March 11 2009
Hello my furry angel boy. I can't believe that you have been gone almost a year. It feels like eternity since I held your soft furry body. I still dream of you, alive and happy, looking up at me with such love. I miss you with all my heart. I will always love you. Till we are together again know that you are my number 1 boy.
April 1 2009
This time a year ago you were taken from me. I answered the phone at 6:30 in the morning to hear the vet. tell me that you were gone. I believe he said "we have lost him Betty." I begged him, like a child to tell me that it wasn't true. I begged him to do something to bring you back. My heart was shattered. How was I supposed to go on without you? How was I supposed to keep on breathing when you were not? I hated to go home because you were not there, but couldn't find peace anywhere. I drove by the vets office every night after he closed just looking for you. That's where I left you. Now you lay under the flowering Bradford Pear in the front yard. Your little grave adorned with flowers, windchimes,and statues. What good does any of that do? I still don't have you. I still miss you. I still hate myself for not being able to save you. I hate myself for not being rich enough to take you to the best of the best. I hate myself for putting you through all that I did in an attempt to keep you. I hate myself for not seeing earlier that you were so sick. I hate myself for leaving you alone at the vets office. I hate my life without you Henry. I don't beg God to bring you back anymore; I know he won't do it. I do manage to get through most days without crying now, but not a day goes by that I don't think of you or miss you. You are always in my heart. You are my sweet big boy and I love every little brown hair on that body. Love always Mommy
May 17th 2009
Hello my sweet angel baby. I have had you on my mind quite a bit today. I miss you so much. It's a horrible empty pain to want to hold you, see you, play with you, and know that there is nothing I can do to have you with me again. I miss and love you with all my heart. Mommy is feeling very sad and alone without you. I love every little brown hair on your body. Love always Mommy
July 24th 2009
Hello my sweet baby. Mommy was just thinking about you and thought I should visit your site for a second. I think of you each and every day. I don't cry as much as I use to but I have a empty place in my heart that will never heal. I miss you so much. I still can't believe that you are gone. I still look for you when I walk in the door. I guess that will never end. I love you so much Henry. You have my heart in your little furry paw and always will.
Love always Mommy
October 21st 2009
Henry my big boy, how I miss you. It seems like the fall of the year is a sad time and especially when you are not here with me. You always would play in the yard, your beautiful hair blowing in the fall wind, tossing leaves in the air with your little face, barking at those monsters (cats) that lived outside your fence. The new Henry, or the Henry that is supposed to be you doesn't act the same way that you did. I am beginning to wonder if I am just too stupid to live? Why would someone tell me that you could come back in another doggy body if you wanted to? Why couldn't you come back if you wanted to? Why don't you act the same? Why can't I just say that the new Henry is really you come back to mommy after all this time? I just want the chance to go back in time and fix all this, I would have saved you. I just know that if I had made different choices, acted faster you would still be here with me and I wouldn't be torturing myself wondering if you have really came back in spirit through a different little dog. I wouldn't feel guilty for loving the new you or I wouldn't hold back from loving little new Henry because I am afraid that it's not really you. Your mommy is a fruit loop! All I know is that I miss you with all my heart and that not a day goes by that I don't think of your sweet little face. I am sorry...I am sorry that I didn't save you. I am sorry that I left you alone at the vets. office. I am sorry that I didn't rush you to the animal hospital in TN. I am sorry that I didn't spend more time at home with you. I love you forever and ever my sweet Henry Jenkins, mommys big baby boy.
January 12, 2010
Christmas has come and gone without you again my baby boy. I hung your stocking up along with the others. I let the new Henry use it, I hope you don't mind. If I choose to believe what the animal communiator said the new Henry is the old Henry??? You don't act the same, well you do in a way but different also. I hope and pray that your little precious spirit has really returned to me. I just don't understand how I can still miss you if you really are with me. Sometimes late at night the new Henry will come to bed with me and lay beside me with his little head on my arm just like you did, all stretched out like a little boy. He will let me kiss his little cheek just like you did. I am so confused over the whole concept. Why can't I just say "you have returned to me" and be happy? Why do I have to torture myself every single day? All I know for sure is that I loved you more than anything and if I could have given my own life to have saved yours I would have gladly done so. You are my one and only precious little brown ball of fur and I will love you for all of eternity.
Love always, Mommy
April 1 2010
Two years since you have been gone my precious baby. Today brings back such sad memories. I have been very sad knowing this day was rolling around again. If only you were here with me. I guess that I will always miss you, always question the treatment plan I had you do, always question what I did wrong or what I could have done differently to save you. All those what if's but none of them matter because I can't go back and change one thing. You are gone and there is nothing I can do except cry. I don't know that it has become any easier; I don't cry everyday. I do think of you every day. I have good days and bad, some days I spend in misery missing you so bad that I could just die. It feels like this is going to be one of those days. I am at work so maybe that will take my mind of losing you, just for a while at least. I love you so very much and I hope that you are happy in Heaven. I hope that you know that I would have given my life for you. I hope that you know that I didn't just drop you off at the vet and leave you to die. If I had known I would have screamed and cried until the vet. let me stay with you. I would have held you in my arms all night long, until you took your last breath. I am so sorry that I was not with you when you needed me most. Please forgive mommy. I love you forever my big boy. I'll be seeing you.
September 24, 2010
I have not forgotten you my sweet big boy. I haven't been on here in a while but know that you are never far from my mind. I still miss you terribly. I love you more than you can ever know. I have the new Henry, the Henry that I thought would house your little reincarnated spirit. I don't know if it's you or just my greatest desire that it be you. I feel guilty if I love new Henry because I am not certain that you are in there. I feel guilty if I don't love new Henry because I think it might be your little spirit in that furry body. I should have never gone down that road. I should have never contacted the animal communicator because I am only more confused and weary over the whole thing than before. I love the new Henry, regardless if your spirit is in his body or not. Please don't be mad at mommy if it's not really you. I love you always and forever and will see you again some day, then there will be no doubt in my mind. I will know you instantly because all the wordly contraints and fears will be wiped away. Until then my precious baby, know that I love you with all my heart. Mommy......
December 14th, 2010
Hello sweet baby boy. It's almost Christmas again, yet another Christmas without you. I miss you very much, I guess that will never go away. Sometimes I think that I see you out of the corner of my eye, laying beside the table or at the door. What is that, is that you? I want it to be you but I also want the new Henry to be you. I don't understand the after life or world. I don't understand the rules and who gets to go where theories. I don't understand the walk in or reincarnation theories. It seems that I go and believe whatever brings me closer to seeing you either in spirit or in another little furry body. I don't know if this is good or bad. All I know for sure is that you were the perfect little baby and that you are gone away from me. There are days that I think my heart will shatter into tiny little pieces and blow away like tiny flakes of snow. It's been almost three years since you were taken from me. I love you as much now as I did then. I miss you and think about you almost every day. Time has made the grief less painful. On most days I can go on, do my job, talk to my family, eat, drink, be normal, but there are always the days that I can't seem to get you off my mind or heart. Those days are dark and scary. I hope that wherever you are that you are happy and that you know I love you forever and always. Be a good little brown boy. Mommy will see you again someday.
Hello my big boy. How was Christmas in Heaven? I missed you this year. I hung up your stocking and it had toys and snacks. That horrible day that you left me is coming fast. I try not to think about it because it always makes me cry. I always re-live the day, think and re-think things I could have done differently that might have kept you with me. I would give anything to have kept you with me Henry. I will love and miss you until we are together again. You were my little boy and mommy loves you forever.
April 1, 2011
Hello angel baby, today is the day. Today is the day that the doctor called and told me you had passed away. I still remember every single detail, every word that was spoken between us when he called. That's not normal is it? I kept wanting him to say "no, I made a mistake, it's not Henry." I even asked him if he was sure that it was you, and described you to him. I thought for sure that I would die that day, but here I am still here and you are still gone. I had the vhs tapes transfered to dvd so I could watch videos of you when you were young and healthy. You were so beautiful and so precious. I hope that you have a special angel in Heaven that you love as much as you loved me, and I hope that they love you better than all the other puppies in Heaven. I will see you again some day. Until that day, I guess I will just have to miss you and cry. I love you forever Henry. Love always, Mommy
June 3, 2011
I'm missing you really bad this morning. I was just sitting here at my desk looking at your precious little face as my screen saver picture. It feels like I have not held you, heard you, or saw you in a million years. If I were God, I would allow people or pets that have passed away to spend just one hour a year with their love ones. Maybe it wouldn't be so very hard if we know that we would see you at least once a year until we are all together again. I guess I shouldn't be second guessing God, he is God afterall and I'm sure he knows best. Mommy just misses you and when I miss you I try to figure out ways that would keep me from missing you. I know it is stupid thoughts, unrealistic and childish but I just really want to have you sitting in my lap right now. I'm going home this evening after work, it would be the sweetest sound to hear you barking and howling as I entered the house. I miss you my little fur baby. I love you forever and ever.December 5, 201
Hello my sweet little brown baby boy. Mommy sure does miss you. It's almost Christmas and you have been gone almost 4 years. It feels like forever to me. I thought about you the other night when I went to bed. The worst feeling of missing you hit me that I have had in a while. I just laid there and cried it out, what else can I do? I can't bring you back, I can't replace you, I have tried both. It seems that you must stay where you are until I join you. I hope that you know I love you forever and ever and that not a day goes by that I don't think of you and miss you. Have a merry Christmas in Heaven my little Henry Jenkins. Mommy loves....
March 30 2012
Mommy is missing you my sweet Brown Boy. It's almost that time again; it still hurts and I still miss you. I love you always my little Henry.
April 1 2012
Four years today my precious boy, it feels like it happened just today, yet it seems like it's been eternity since I held your little brown body or heard your happy barks and cries as I entered the house. You have been on my mind quite a bit, actually I have thought about you all day today. I have managed to keep the bad thoughts just to the back of my mind because I don't want to cry. I don't cry like I use to do when I thought of you but all it takes is for a memory to linger a second too long and the pain and anguish comes flooding back to me and the tears start to fall. I don't know why I can't get over losing you, not that I want to forget you, but I don't want to hurt so bad when I think of you. I miss you so bad that it just kills me. My heart breaks when I think of all the time that has gone by without me talking to you or holding you. How can it be four years since I had you here with me? I have your pictures every where, all over the house. I have two candles burning beside your picture in memory of you. Shouldn't this pain be gone by now? I loved you so much, and a part of me died the day you left but shouldn't I have healed by now? I have tried everything to make things right, to bring you back and I have only managed to make myself insane. I talked with a lady that said she could communicate with you on the other side. I believed her when she said that you could come back, reincarnate back into another little dog. I bought him, named him Henry, now I live in constant heartache and guilt because I don't know if it's you or if it's another little innocent spirit. I love him but then I feel guilty because what if he is not you. Then I worry what if it is you and you are wondering why mommy doubts that it's you. I have managed to drive myself insane. I am worthless and tired. I miss you and want to see you again. I will always love you, always and forever you will be my number one little boy, until I see you again sweet baby boy, I hope you rest peacefully in the arms of an angel. I hope the sun always shines warmly on your little head; I hope that someone throws your teddy bear and places chase with you; I hope that you are loved, safe, and happy until I can be there with you. Love always, Mommy
Jan. 22, 2013
I miss you really bad. How was your Christmas in Heaven? Mommy though a lot about you over the holidays. You are missed and loved so very much. It's hard to believe that you have been gone another Christmas. It's cold here, I hope it's sunny and beautiful in Heaven. I want you to be the happiest little boy in the world. I miss you so much but I am finally coming to terms with you be away from us. I don't like it; I still cry over you but I guess it is what it is, life without my little Henry Jenkins. Someday I will be with you. You will run and meet me in a beautiful field of grass, your beautiful brown hair blowing in the wind, your little mouth turned up in a smile with your tongue sticking out. I will just fall to the ground and let you lick my face forever and ever, just to hold you one more time my precious boy......
April 2nd 2013
It's been five years since you left me. Yesterday was bad, I babysat for Bella so I couldn't cry or break down in front of her, but I missed you and though about you all day. As usual I replayed our last look, our last day over and over again in my mind. I still wonder what I could have done different to have saved you. I still wish that I had another chance to redo whatever it was that I did wrong. Life has gone on, I didn't think it would for a long time. I thought that I would just eventually dry up and drift away. I missed you so bad. I felt so guilty and troubled over your death. It's easier now, I still miss you, still love you, but I have managed to live through this horrible, horrible loss. I still have really bad days. Sometimes I still dream about you. I still think that I am to blame, either I chose the wrong treatment for you, or am being punished for some wrongdoing in my life. I know that I can't bring you back. I will always see your beautiful brown eye as you turned and looked at me one last time as the Dr.carried you out of the room. I kissed you one last time and promised that I would come back and get you the next day, but I didn't did I sweet little boy? You were gone. I love you as much today as I did then. I miss you with all my heart. I bought you a really nice tombstone for your grave. I put a chocolate bunny on your grave yesterday. You can eat chocolate now, can't you? I hope that you are happy. I hope that you know that I loved you with all my heart. I hope that you know I would have never left you alone if I had known you were leaving. I would have kept you with me, or stayed with you even if it meant taking you from the vets office. There will always be a empty hurt spot in my heart. I will always love you. I will see you again my precious brown boy. Mommy loves....
December 20, 2013
Another Christmas without you is fast approaching Henry. I hung your little stocking the other day. We let new Henry use it, I hope you don't mind. I miss you with all my heart. I think about you quite a bit. I am not sure that I am normal. I don't think people grieve this long, but I can't help myself. I still have your picture as my screen saver and your little picture in a frame beside my computer at work. I love you and miss you. I hope that you are having a wonderful life in Heaven. I hope that someone is playing ball with you and rubbing your little tummy. I hope that you are loved and cherished. I hope that they tell you everyday that your mommy and daddy on earth miss you and love you with all our hearts. It's hard to believe that you have been gone so long, sometimes it feels like you have been gone forever, maybe just a figment of my imagination, other times it feels like you were just ripped from my arms. I wish that I could bring you back. I wish that I could see your little face, see you prance down the stairs into the yard. Hamlet looks so much like you. He has become quite the Mama's boy. He sits in my lap and it's almost like he is you. He is your son, son I guess in a way he is part of you. Have a Merry Christmas with the Angels my boy. I love you forever my sweet Henry Jenkins, my beautiful brown boy. I miss you with all my heart my sweet boy.
Hamlet: January 14th, 2014
Henry, I lost Hamlet two days ago. Is he with you, are the two of you playing in the sun with the Angels. Will you tell him that I miss him and love him with all my heart? He was fine, laying beside me, playing, picking at Keelan and the next minute he fell over into a seizure. We rushed him to the emergency vet, I told them not to let him die. They said they would watch him all night long, wouldn't let me stay with him. I called and checked on him twice but at 9:00 the vet. assistant called me and said that his little heart quit beating and he quit breathing, they wanted to know if they should continue with CPR. Daddy told them no and now he is gone. Sissy took me to get him. He looked like a little angel. He looked like he was asleep. I held him, your son for the longest time, just hoping and praying that he would wake up for me. The house feels so out of sync. It feels horrible, like I am homesick but I am at home. I look for him, just as I did you when you left me. I think I see him. I close my eyes and pretend that he is lying beside me. I can't stand to lose you all, one at a time. There was nothing wrong with Hamlet. He was fine, they said they thought he had a brain tumor. How does he have a brain tumor with no symptoms? How could he just die? Please play with your son Henry. You have been gone so long and I still miss you. Now it feels like a wound has been reopened and salt poured into it. I have lost both my boys, my big boy and my little boy, gone forever.
It's a nasty day here at home. I find that I keep wondering to the window, looking out a the frozen snow covered graves of my two little furry boys. Daddy and I have kept candles burning on both your graves for almost two weeks. We miss you both, the loss of Hamlet is really hitting us hard. It was so unexpected, he was the picture of health or did we miss something? Was he really that sick and we didn't notice, is that possible? I keep thinking that I see Hamlet, just a glimpse out of the corner of my eye. Or when I go to bed, I think that I see him at the foot of the bed. I would give anything to have him sitting on my shoulder like a little Parrot of the evening as we watch TV. I think that I hear his distinctive pitter patter coming down the hallway or into the bedroom but it's not him. His little body is beside you in the cold, frigid ground. I keep counting heads, going to six when it's only five. I cut little bites of food up into six portions, but it's only five. I miss him so bad that it feels like I have the flu. It's not fair, it's not fair that we have to go through this again and again and again. Why can't you have longer life spans? You are so precious and so sweet, only love and adore your people. Why must you be taken from us so soon? The only peace I can find is with the thought that the two of you are in Heaven, playing in the sun, laying in the green fields and playing with each other. Till we meet again my sweet boys...I love you Hammy and Henry, forever and always. Mommy
3/7/14 hey my big boys. just thinking about you and how much i miss you. its a beautiful day out. mommy is having a hard time i guess i am to i miss and love you boys with all my heart just wanted to talk to you a minute going to go now cant see for the tears
March 11, 2014
Hamlet, It's been two months since you left us. It seems like a horrible dream that I can't wake from. I think about you all the time. I hope that you didn't suffer; I hope that you thought you were laying in the bed with mommy an daddy and just went to sleep. I would have never left the animal hospital if I'd know you were going to leave us that night. I miss you so much, your sweet wide open mouth smile, your little pitter patter as you walk/ran through the rooms. Your little head laying on my shoulder as I watched TV, and especially your little night time ritual of dragging your body over my head to settle in between me and daddy for the night. I had one dream of you. It felt so real, I could feel your hair on my mouth as I kissed your little head. I snuggled you up in my arms so glad to see you. Was you really there or is my mind trying to ease my pain? I want to think that you are still here sometimes, with me. I want to think that when I die I will see you and Henry running to meet me. I want to hold you both in my arms so bad that I can't hardly stand it. I'm looking at your little cute face as I type this, I have your picture hanging above my computer, right next to Henry's. I could have spent more time with you if you were alive; now I don't have to go to work everyday. I could have loved on you more. Time goes by so fast, too fast, it doesn't feel like that I had you for eleven years. It does feel like you have been gone forever and a day. Each time I lose one of you a little piece of my heart dies. I am so sad that I can't hardly catch my breath. I just want to see one you more time, to hold you just one more time, to tell you how much I love you. I can't even remember if I picked you up or patted your head when I came home the evening you died. I remember you sitting beside me, licking Keelan and me telling you to quit licking her that you were messing up her hair. "Hamlet, quit licking Keenlan." You quit, jumped off the couch and started screaming, but how long had you been laying on the bed under me...I don't know, I don't know if you hurt yourself, landed funny, what..what..?? The vet's all said something different, one said it looked like you had a tumor in your stomach, the other said you possibly had one in your brain which is why you kept barking and having seizures but how could I not see the signs of something like that? I picked you up and you were fine. I took you to the bedroom, thinking you had hurt your back. I was so afraid because I had never heard you scream/bark like that. You stood up, walked to my pillow and laid down. You seemed fine. I took you back to the living room and laid you on the couch beside Keelan. You got up and collapsed again, screaming, shaking, having a seizure. You peed on yourself. We were so scared, we loaded you up to take you the emergency vet. You wouldn't set in my lap, but laid in the floor all the way down there, fine except you were so quite. I found a picture I had taken of you laying in the floor looking up at me right before we got out of the car at the vet. You looked so weak and so tired. Were you that sick my baby? How could I not know that you were that sick? I love you with all my heart Hammy. You and Henry play together, sleep together, lay in the sunshine in Heaven with the angels. Mommy will see you soon my boys. I love you both forever.
April 1, 2014 Henry:
Hello big boy, it's hard to believe that you have been gone for 6 years today. It's a beautiful day, almost 70 degrees already. I am trying not to think about the day you passed away. I want to try and remember all the fun days we had, not that one horrible day or the days that you were so sick. You are not sick now are you my boy? You have Hamlet with you to play and walk in the sunshine. Do you ever see a good boy named Homer up there? He was our first Pekingese. The loss of him is why we sought out you my baby. We just could not imagine not having another baby so full of love. You were the best little fur baby a mommy and daddy could ask for, you were sweet and full of life. It feels like you have been gone for a hundred years instead of six. I think about you and Hammer almost everyday. The loss of my two boys as sure broken my heart. I think that I see you both all the time, out of the corner of my eye. I dreamed of Hamlet the night before last, I held him in my arms and kissed the top of his head but he faded away. Why don't you come to mommy in dreams anymore my big boy? I'm going to try real hard not to feel sad today. I am going to thank God for the time I had with you and smile with good memories. No bad memories today. I love you forever my big brown boy. Tell Hamlet that mommy loves and misses him too. You boys be good and have fun...until I see you again, all my love. Mommy
August 20, 2014
Hamlet, Mommy is missing you really bad today. You never got to play in the summer sunshine. You didn't even get one spring or summer day this year. You died in the dead of the winter, everything was brown and dead, it was cold outside. You loved the summer. You loved laying in the sunshine. Is it summer where you are at now, where are you now? Is there a Heaven, if so do precious little pets get to go there or is it just reserved for those select few that are worthy enough to cross into the Pearly Gates? I am sad, and I am mad, and I am frustrated and I have lost my way sweet boy. It seems that everything in my life is falling apart, that bad people win and good people suffer. It seems that people who could or should help others lie and deceive, while those who can't afford to help or do not have the power to help try really hard to help others. Why is everything so backwards in our world? Why does God let horrible things happen to people and pets? Why is there so much pain? I love you so much, and I replay our last evening together all the time. I keep thinking that the last thing I said to you was to leave Keelan alone, then you jumped down and had a seizure. How can a seizure kill you. Why are you gone? It's been so long since you left us, a piece of my heart went with you that day. I miss the little pitter patter of your feet as you would trot down the hallway. We could tell your run from all the other babies. Keelan misses you. I can tell she does, she just lays around and sleeps all the time. I wish that I could hold you again, just one more time. Tell Henry that Mommy loves and misses him too. I will see you both soon, my precious boys. Love always mommy Daddy loves and misses my sweet babies
December 24th 2014
Merry Christmas my sweet boys. This is Mommy and Daddy's first Christmas without you Hamey. I sure do miss you. I hung your little stocking up beside Keelans. She misses you still, I can tell that she thinks about you, wonders where you have gone to. She lays by herself all the time. I miss seeing the two of you curled up beside each other or you laying with your little head on her body. I've been very sad, missing you both this Christmas, especially you Hamlet. I am getting use to my little Henry being gone from me, but it still feels like you should be here. It still feels unreal that you are gone. You shouldn't be gone. You should have been here to get your goodies out of your stocking just like last year. I have a video of last Christmas but I'm afraid to watch it. I am overcome with grief and sorrow. My heart is breaking and I long to hold you. I long to see you both and have Hamlet sit on my shoulder like he always did and Henry to sit in my lap. My two boys. My precious little brown boys, both brought home to me lifeless and dead. Both left in the care of trusted professionals. My trust and hope shattered, more questions than answers, questions that can and will never be answered...why did you have to leave??? I want to go get your boxes out of the closet and touch your little hair, look at your little footprints but I can't. I can't stand it, my heart is breaking this Christmas. I love you both so much and I miss you both with all my heart. Poor little Bufford went to Heaven this year. Is he with the two of you? Sissy is hurting, she misses him so much. She had to have him put to sleep. He was so sick. He couldn't walk, couldn't see, couldn't even stand. He cried for his mom mom. I held him for hours one morning as he cried for mom mom. I know how she feels. Her heart aches to see her little boy. We love you babies so much, but when you leave us it breaks our heart into a thousand little pieces. I hope that the angels are playing with you all. I hope that you have sunny skies and full tummies and ear scratches and all the ice cream you can hold. I hope that you know how much you were and are loved and will always be missed by me. I'd give any possession that I own to just have you both back with me. I'd love to see you all, Bufford too, three little brown boys in Heaven. You have to be in Heaven. You have to be there, you have to continue after you die. I can't stand to think that I won't ever see you again. Merry Christmas my sweet boys. Merry Christmas Henry, Merry Christmas Hamlet, Merry Christmas Bufford...your mommies miss and love you all forever and ever and ever. All my love...Mommy
Hello sweet babies. It's been a while since I've been on here. My sweet Missy passed away January 6th. I couldn't bear to even write it down. It seemed so unreal to me. I took her to the vet. He said heart failure, gave her medicine and sent her home. I laid with her in the bed. Then sat beside her in the floor as she struggled to breathe. I talked to her and cried as she took her final breath. She struggled so hard to breathe and couldn't. I can't get the image from my mind. It has just about killed me. I miss her so bad. Missy are you with the boys? Are you ok now, are you happy? Do you know how much I love you? If I could have gave you air that day I would have done it. I wonder if I should have tried cpr on you. I didn't know what to do my precious girl. The house feels so empty without you. I have cried until I have no more tears. I look for you. I take your medicine out of the fridge and look for you to give it to. I can't cook without looking behind me to see if you are sitting there waiting for a bite. I hate to come home. I know that you will not be there. It feels like an empty house and it's unbearable to me. I don't know how you could just die, no warning, nothing, just die?? Did I miss something? Were you in pain? Should I have left you at the vet so they could have done something different. I wish you were here with me baby. I miss calling your name. I miss your sweet face. Henry JR. misses playing with you. I can't even put into words how lost I am without you. Now, three of my babies are gone. A little piece of my heart went with each of you, actually a big piece of my heart. I regret working so much your last month. You would wait up till 1:00 in the morning for me to get home. That last morning, you sat on your little bed with your legs hanging over breathing hard and I was so scared. I was right to be scared because you left me the next day. I wish I could go back in time. I wouldn't have worked both jobs. I would have stayed with you. I would have held you everyday for as long as you would lay in my lap. I miss you my Mississippi Queen. I miss you all, Henry, my big boy, Hamlet, my little boy and Missy my sippytown girl! Someday I will see you all again. Someday I will hold you all again. It has to be true. What would Heaven be without my babies? Love always Mommmy
July 21, 2015
I am thinking of you all today. I think of you all everyday. I don't cry everyday; I push the pain of losing you all to the back of my mind. Sometimes when I go to bed or when I wake up I can't help but to cry over losing you all. I miss how Henry would flop down beside me in the bed. How he would start toward the bedroom and look back at me to see if I would follow. My precious little brown boy. I love you so much. I miss hearing my little Hamlet pitter patter down the hallway. He had his on little unique gait that I could recognize from a mile away. He was a mama's boy. I miss you sitting in my lap, crawling across my face every night, and your stinky little kisses in the morning. I wish I could have been with you when you died. I love you so much Hamlet. My sweet Missy, my precious little girl. It seems like you have been gone forever. I still can't throw you medicine away. I leave it in the fridge and sitting on the counter. Sometimes I still pick it up or pull it out and hold it, just hoping that you will be sitting in the floor looking up at me waiting for that bite of peanut butter sandwich to take your pill with. I don't know that I will ever forget your last moments my precious girl. I torture myself wondering if I should have tried to give you CPR...of course I should have tried to give you CPR...how could I just sit there as you gasped for air. I was so afraid and I didn't know what to do. I am so sorry Missy. I was afraid, I didn't know if I would hurt you and I didn't want your last memory of me to be of me hurting you. I might could have saved you. You might still be here. Maybe if I would have given you CPR it would have brought you back and the heart medicine would have had time to take affect and you could have been alive. I let you down. You trusted me to take care of you and I let you die. I let you all die. I miss you all so much. I hope and pray that there is something for us after we die. That we don't just die and that's the end. I want to see you all again. I yearn to hold you to see you, to smell you to sit in the floor and just have you all with me again. I miss you my sweet fur babies and I will always miss you. Mommy loves you Henry, Hamlet and Missy, forever and always with all my heart.
Fluffy joined you all today in Heaven. I hope it was a joyous reunion. Daddy and my hearts are broken, shattered, to say goodbye to her. We have been so very blessed to have her for almost 16 years. Today, I took her to the vet, held her, talked to her, told her how much we loved her and what a good girl she had been. I told her that you all would be waiting for her on the most beautiful green grass ever seen. I watched her relax and breath slower and more at ease for the first time in many days. She looked so at peace, by the time that the vet. gave her the final shot that stopped her little heart I think she was already with you in Heaven. I feel guilty, don't know if I did the right thing. I couldn't bear to see her suffering, humiliated because she couldn't make it to the bathroom. I love you Fluffy. I search the house for you. Every morning and every night I look at your spot, just hoping to see you one more time. I miss hearing you scream with excitement when I walk in the door. Four of my babies are gone now, and it's almost unbearable to me. I have you all on my mind pretty much all the time. I can't wait to see you all again. Fluffy, I hope that you know what I did, was out of love. It killed me, broke a part of my heart away that will never repair to have you put to sleep. I hope I did the right thing for you my precious little white girl. I love you so much....Mommy
Fluffy, my sweet girl, how I miss you. I don't know if I did the right thing by you and it is tormenting me. I keep you on my mind all the time. I wonder if I cut your life short when you could have recovered and been with us a few more years? Maybe the vet just didn't know what he was talking about, maybe you had a cold or pneumonia and could have been cured. What kind of mommy am I that I would hold your little body and let them put you to sleep forever? You were my little girl for 16 years. My fear of seeing you suffer like Missy did when she died made me take you back to the vet. I just couldn't bear the thought of you gasping for air or hurting, not after all your years of happiness and joy. You were so sweet and frisky, a proud girl. I love you all forever and ever....
I'm missing you really bad babies. I have had Fluffy on my mind today, wondering if you are mad at me, it I did the right thing by putting you down? I'm sorry my precious girl. I just couldn't stand to see you struggling to breathe and I was so afraid that you would gasp for air like Missy did when she died. I couldn't stand to see that again. I love you always my pretty white Fluffy girl. I keep thinking that I see you walking through the house. I miss you all so very much, have you all on my mind today. Would love to see you all run through the house like a little herd of cattle. To have Henry sitting on my lap, Hamlet with his little head laying on my shoulder, Missy laying beside me and Fluffy looking out the window behind me. Love You all and miss you terribly, till I hold you again. Mommy
hello sweet babies. daddy really missing you all today. i really miss the sound of your pitter patter of your feet running thru the house. i knew who was who by the sound of your feet coming thru the house. i miss the howling and screaming when me or your mom came home.
poor little keelan will be joining you all real soon i'm afraid. love you all.