You are my little one, and you always will be, nobody can replace you. We miss you so much. It breaks my heart to know I may never see you again, but I hold hope that we will meet at the Rainbow Bridge and we will be together forever and forever. I miss you every minute of the day. There's not a day that goes by that I don't think of you. I hope to see you again. You are my baby, my life, everything good. I remember your kisses and how you'd look at me as you kissed me. I remember how much you enjoyed rolling in the grass. I remember how happy you would be when I come to pick you up and we'd go for a car ride. You would jump and spin. I remember how much you loved your clean fresh bowl of water. I remember how you loved your food and snacks. I remember when we used to go for a walk you would pee and then walk around your pee area, not in it. I remember the day we moved here, I brought you here once and then your mom came to visit us, you knew exactly where and which door to bring her to. Hana, my little one, I will miss you for as long as I live, and hope that we will see each other again when my life ends. Love you so much. Miss you so much. |
5/20/2016, dear little one, it's been 15 months since you've left me and I still think of you everyday. I cry everyday when I think of you. Sometimes, I think I won't make it without you, but your beau Benjamin is here with me. I have to take care of him, as I take care of your memorial. The year after your death, 1 day later, I ran into a tree with my forehead and trying to catch Benjamin and fractured my wrist and pinky finger. I know if you were here, you'd be at my side and kissing me to make me feel better but also to show you care. I miss you so much. I didn't know about this web site, so I've been keeping a journal since your death. Now, I will post in here for as long as I have space to do so. When I run out of space, I will write in my journal again. My sweet Hana.
April 23, 2017: It's been 2 years and 8 weeks, and I still miss you like you just left me yesterday. Today, I looked for you and wanted to give you a hug, then I realized you're not here anymore. I miss you, my little Miss Hana. You are now with Benjamin, so I am glad you have each other to keep you company. This morning I wanted to die so that I can see you two again. My heart aches so much because I miss you so much. This is the only way I can see you and touch you and give you hugs again, is by dying. I miss you so much. Friday, was Benjamin's 13th birthday. I know you celebrated his birthday with Nechi. I love you, my sweet heart...my precious little girl.
April 2, 2017 dear little H, it's been 5 weeks that Benjamin has been with you, but mommy had to let go. I hope you are having lots of fun together. Busy April month. Cabinets next week, memorial for Benjamin the following week, another memorial for Benjamin the following week and then calm
5/21/2016 Good morning Hana I went to meditation this morning I reflected on you My tears welled up in my eyes. As I write this to you I still cry and miss you so much my heart aches. I cried on the way home. I thought I would have seen your mother there, but no I had you all to myself, Hana I fractured my wrist 1 year after you left me. Its taking its time healing. My trigger finger is acting up a month after the fracture. I am wearing braces on both hands. Talk to you tomorrow, my sweet Hana.
5/22/2016 My dear Hana, good morning baby doll, we had spaghetti last night. I know you love spaghetti. I cried thinking of you. Benjamin enjoyed this very much...my noodle boy. How are you, baby? I am very sad. This morning, I asked Jesus for comfort since I am so sad and cry everyday because I miss you so much. When I die from this world that I know, please come get me and we will cross the bridge together. And we will be together forever. This is my hope...love you
5/24/2016 Hi little H. Sorry didn't write yesterday. So many things going on in my life that are not good. I don't have you to comfort me, I'm very sad. I lost my confidant and savior. Your mommy had dokusan today. I was doan. Had to see the dentist again, filling popped out eating salad. Tomorrow, I will pick up your enlargement and Thursday choose a matte at Aaron Brothers Art Mart. I have your frame already. I see Grace on Thursday. Your aunt had a procedure today, she is in a lot of pain...I know if you were here, you'd make it bearable for her, but you're not and she is hurting extremely bad. Will do the Candlelight Service for you with the group in here Monday. Love you, Miss H.
5/25/2016 Hello Little H. I picked up your enlargement today. Having brought it home felt like you were here, home with me. Today was a hectic day. I saw your mommy today at her house. I talked about missing you and how bad I miss you. I cried. I feel like I'm on overload with what's going on at home. I wish you were here. I know I will be better with you here with me. Good night, sweetheart.
5/26/2016 good morning, little one. I miss you so much. Today, your aunt will be going for a consultation and she wants me to come with her. In the condition I'm in and I know you understand, I cannot be there for her. If I do end my life because I can't bear it anymore, I hope the Lord will be merciful and let me meet you at the rainbow bridge where we can be together for ever and ever. Please wait for me, but until then, have fun with all your new friends and know that I am thinking of you.
I love you, little H.
5/28/2016, good morning little one 8-) mommy is sad most of the days because I struggle with your death and losing my baby. Yesterday was a hard day. Mommy sat around crying because she misses you so much. Had PT at 2:30pm. Noodle tonight, I know you would love this, I know you love noodles. Today, have to go look for a blower, I have to pick up a matte to frame your picture, 16x20, pretty large photograph of you. Have to go to Petco, they have coupons, and then to Pet Club for more food for Benjamin. You know I was thinking, whether you both are fed or just him, the food goes just as fast. And you know, I enjoyed feeding you and watching you enjoy your food so much. I have memories of you in my mind. All the memories. I'd kiss you on your head and make you feel all better. Have a good day, my little H, play with your friends, but wait for me. I will look for you and I look forward to seeing you again. Then we can be together forever...and I never have to be sad of losing you again. I love sugar plum.
Love your mommy.
5/29/2016 Dear Baby Doll, in 2 days it will be June. I wish you were here with me. I miss you everyday and I miss you and cry everyday. Warm, but not hot today. I have the windows open for you. The shutters are wide open, I'm hoping that you will see me here typing you this message. I look for you in the wind, in the trees, out in nature, I think I can feel you on my face and then I cry...I miss you so much, my baby girl.
I've been going through so many kleenexs and Kleenex boxes since you've been gone. I really miss you. I love you little H. I love you with all my heart. I wish I can touch and hug you one more time. My sweet girl, mommy loves you. Write you tomorrow.
Have fun playing with your new friends.
5/31/2016 sweet baby doll. This morning mommy has to go get her 2nd of 2 visits to the dentist to complete the root canal I had a week ago. How are you my little one? I am sad and still missing you dearly. Yesterday was really hard on me. I couldn't stop crying because I miss you so much. I can still feel your head and kiss it, give you big hugs, rub your back, but most of all, your kisses and I can feel your under mouth rubbing against my lips. I have to take your aunt to the Dr. Another look at the pain that is preventing her from walking without pain...real bad pain. Benjamin sends his love. I sensed that he was missing you yesterday. He was gloomy. Your daddy and mommy miss you so much. I look for the day we will be together again and this time inseperable. I love you. Have a good day, my little H. ~ mommy~. This is the last entry online. I keep a journal for you titled "Dear Little H". There I will write you daily and tell you how much I love you, how much I miss you, and what's been going on for the day. See you on the pages of my computer, my little one.
February 27, 2017 Dear little one, Benjamin passed this Saturday the 25th. It was the day after your second anniversary. Did you see him arrive? Now you are with your boyfriend. I look forward to the day I will see the both of you again. I miss you so much. My heart feels heavy because I miss you so much and now I have little B too to worry about and miss. I love you, the both of you.
3/19/2017, my dear little one, how are you sweetheart? Mommy miss you so much. It's been a 2 years and 1 month and it feels like you just left me yesterday. I still see your mommy every morning. She thinks of you often, Hana, and your hedgehog is still on her altar. I still have your food bowl out and snacks in there for you. I miss you everyday. Is Benjamin keeping you busy? My sweet Hana. I love you, baby girl. Your mommy misses you so much.
March 28, Tuesday 2017, dear little one, it's been 4 weeks since B's been gone. I miss you and B. I wish I could have you back again...just one more touch, one more hug, one more kiss. On B's last day, I took him for a car ride to his favorite park. I let him feel the grass under his paws. I let him taste the steak that he loves so much and gets every day. I think of you all the time, little one. I have your photo on my desk and it reminds me of how sweet you were and how I miss your little face so much. Take care of Benjamin...until I get there then I will see both of you, come and get me then we can walk over the bridge together...into heaven. I love you so much little one.
April 2, 2017, hi little H, it's been 5 weeks since boo has joined you. Mommy is sad all the time. I keep telling myself, he's not suffering anymore. I think the day we had to let him go, he was telling us it was OK to let go. He gave mommy her final kisses like he always kisses me. Every where on my face and neck. Busy month...cabinets coming and 2 memorials for boo. 2 weeks later, reflecting on you and boo. I miss you still H, and you've been gone for 2 years and a month. I still feel like it just happened yesterday. I can still smell you and feel you in my hands. I miss you little H. Mommy loves you. Take care of boo.
April 23, 2017: it's been 2 years and 8 weeks since you've been gone and I still miss you like I lost you yesterday. The day you left me, I still remember it so clearly. it's B's 13th birthday this past Friday. I thought you and B were behind me this morning, and then I realized you weren't, but I could feel you still here with me. I love you, my sweet baby doll.
June 25, 2017 Sunday: hello my baby doll. It's been 2 years and 4 months since I had to say good bye to you. B has been gone for 4 months. It seems so long ago, but my heart still aches for you and B. I miss you every day, my little one. I love you and will always remember you. Don't worry about that.
July 4 2018, it's been 3 years and 4 months since you've been gone. I still miss you every day. I got a new
dog, his name is Christopher. He does some things that remind me of you. He is much more like you than B. I hope that you and B are having a lot of fun exploring and finding new and interesting things to do and see and smell. It's the 4th of July today. I might take your ashes to the peninsula so you'll be free. You can see the entire world. But half of you, I will put with Benjamin and near me. I am afraid of death because I don't know what happens. I trust in the Lord, so I should be forgiven and my sins have been washed away. I should go to heaven. I will see you and B again. We'll meet at God's Rainbow Bridge. I look forward that we will be together again and this time, it will be forever. We'll be healthy, intelligent (speaking about me) you guys already are intelligent, there's so much for me to learn, and happy. I miss you so much my little H. You are in my heart and always will be. Christopher is very devoted to me. He is like you Hana. He follows me around the house; where i go, he will too...yes, even the bathroom. He's in my office now, resting on one of his 3 beds. I got him a subscription to Bark Box. It's a monthly subscription to receive treats and toys. Lots of interesting things. Each month there is a different theme. I know you would like this too. I still see your mommy almost all mornings when we go to zazen. They are going to have a practice period from August 24 to October 6. I won't be participating so I won't see your mommy. The sits are longer and I need to get home to Christopher. I worry about him. He sits in his crate by the door and waits for me to come home. Even if daddy is home, he is waiting for me to come home. I wonder what he would do if i got in a real bad accident and couldn't come home. I wonder how long he will wait before giving up? Will he die from a broken heart? Daddy's good to him, but he loves me. Melissa got a new puppy a week ago. His name is Handsome Dexter. He's got such big paws. But he's a little cutie who is going to grow up to be a 100 lb. dog. He's a Rottweiler. He's all black and tan. No tail. I miss you little H. Take care of B and when I get there, we will all be together forever. I love you.
March 17, 2019, Sunday. Hi Little One, it's been 4 years and a month since you passed. I miss you everyday. We have Christopher, a pug, bulldog, terrier, and chihuahua mix. He's all white with black ears and a docked brown tail. He weighs about 28 lbs. He's small but cute. He follows me around the house, every where I go, he follows me, just like you used to do, my dear one. Your mommy still thinks of you. She says she still has your groundhog that you used to carry around. She smells it still. I still have all your bowls, leashes, collars; I don't think I will ever get rid of them. They will be here with me until I die. I hope I do see you again, my little one. I'm 59 now. I still have your Christmas ornament. Every Christmas I bring it out and display it in my office. Miss Hana, I miss you so much. I walk 3 times a day now. Getting tired of it. I wish Christopher would use a pee pad. He just wants to walk, except when it is pouring rain, then he backtreads and won't go out. Got a new car. The Fit has been gone since 2016. I now have a red Mazda 3. I had the silver Subaru of my sister's, but we traded that in for another Subaru. This one would be too tall for you and B to climb into. I barely get in and out of it. Your auntie Nechi passed the summer of 2016. B passed in 2017 winter. I hope they are up at the Rainbow Bridge with you and continuing life like it never skipped a beat. I hope to be there too one day, and then we will all be together again. Is B being good? Is he still wandering around? He's been like that ever since we got him. You see how he is. All I have now are memories. Good memories. I can close my eyes and take myself back into that time. So much has changed. I visit Nechi now at Oak Hill. I've been passing out and feeling sick from low blood sugars. Now I know what auntie Nechi was feeling when she got low blood sugars. I fall more easily now. So, I really have to be careful. Christopher has to ride in a crate in the car. He doesn't do well by himself with restraints. He tries to jump in my lap and climb all over me. He scratches up my dashboard and console with his nails. He's a mess. He doesn't just sit nicely in the car like you and B used to.
I miss that. Oh I miss you guys. I'm too sad now. I will write again. Be good and wait for me at the Rainbow Bridge. I love you, my little one, tell B I miss him too. I hope you will both be waiting for me at the Bridge. I hope he will not be wandering the day I come to the Bridge. Bye for now, my little one.
Please also visit Benjamin.