Welcome to Fearless's Rainbow Bridge Memorial Residency
Fearless's Rainbow Bridge Pet Loss Memorial Residency Image
Memories of Fearless
My Two Boys, Fearless and Squeaky.
You both came into my life in the summer of 2000. You were a gift from God. Those were the best years of my life. You gave me joy, laughter and unconditional love. I have so many memories of you, I don't know where to begin. You and your brother Squeaky came to me and wanted me to be your mommie and I did. My memories of my 2 boys will never be forgotten. I remember the times when you and Squeaky would play every night and chase each other around the house. The memories of when all 3 of us would lay on the couch everynight with our blankee. I will always remember Squeaky bringing me gifts at the door every morning, whether it was a chipmunk or a mousie, mommie used to say, "no more mousies squeaky, no more mousies". I will always remember when Squeaky would go outside and everytime he came back into the house, he would want his treat, which was always deli turkey, only the best. Or when Squeaky would love to eat noodles and drink milk out of my glass. I especially remember when I would hold you Squeaky in my arms and say "where's the light, Squeaky." and you would look up at it. I will also remember Squeaky when you loved going under the blanket and I would say, "Where's Squeaky." You loved playing under it. Or how I would catch you watching the Animal Plante, you loved that show. On Sept 20, 2005, The day you went outside, like you always did, I didn't think it was the last time I would never see you again. You never came home. My heart was broken, I cried, looked for you, but nothing. I never had that closure. You left me and Fearless. My Fearless loved you and missed you so much, I always told him you were his guardian angel. I always said Squeaky, you are mommie's angel and you always will be. My Fearless, my baby boy, my roomate and my best friend. We went thru alot together from losing Squeaky to living on our own for the first time. I have so many memories of you in this house. The house is so still, very empty. I miss our nights on the couch with our blankee, all snuggled up and you would place your little paw around my neck,oh those little hugs I miss so very much. I especially miss those mornings together when you would tap my face for mommie to get up. Those mornings were so very precious to me. You always had your way. I miss you sitting on your bella cucina mat waiting for your meal, your favorite turkey and cheese. And everytime you wanted a treat, you would sit in front of that cabinet and wait. I miss your meows greeting me at the door and I miss our playtime together every night, when I would come home from work.I miss seeing you on your window seat and you watching the birds outside. I especially miss seeing you lay in the sun, you loved that sun and I miss seeing you do rollies. Mommie would always say," Fearless, do rollies, rollies for me" and you would always roll right over. I would always say, "Im so lucky, what a lucky girl I am that fearless does rollies only for his mommie." I often hear our song, 123 love you, by Plain White Tease. I would always sing it to you, especially the verse, "theres only one way to say those 3 words, that's what I'll do, I love, I love you." Everytime it comes on the radio, its a sign from you, letting me know that you are here with me and I look at your picture all the time and sing it to you. " I love my Fearless." You were always so smart,I would always say, my cat is like a person. I see you everywhere in this apartment. I have your pictures everywhere and I talk to you every night and cry. I always look at your picture before I go to sleep and say, "Mommie loves you, come visit me" and there are times that I did feel you on the bed, your presence was so strong, I knew that you were here with Mommie, I strongly felt it. Fearless, Mommie never knew you were sick, you had no symptoms at all, until the end. I just thank God that I was home when this tragedy happened. I would never forgive myself or God ,if I came home and found you in pain or worse death.On August 4, 2009, I didn't know this was going to be the worst day of my life. We went thru our morning routine as always and then all of a sudden you couldn't walk. Mommie rushed you to the vet not knowing that, the day was only going to get worse. When the doctor told me you had Feline Leukemia and Feline AIDs, I didn't believe her. I always took you to the vet to get your shots to prevent you from this horrible disease. You showed no signs of this illness until the end. When the doctor told me I had no choice but to put you to rest, that you would never walk again, I was devasted, still am. My heart is so broken, it will never heal again. Our last moments together were peaceful. I brought your blankee, your mousie and your turkey and cheese treats one last time to the doctors office. I wrapped you up in your blankee and held you one last time and told you that I loved you and to go see your brother Squeaky and give him a big lick for me. I said, "fearless lets do nite, nite, lets go to bed," like I did everynight. Mommie rocked you to sleep first and then the doctor put you to rest. You went so peacefully. When the doctor said that your heart had stopped, mine did too. I so wanted to go with you. Fearless, my heart is so broken, it aches every day. I cry, I miss you so very much. I promised you that I would never get another kitty, no more for mommie. I can't bear to feel the pain again. I wanted to take you home that night one last time but it wasn't fair to you. Fearless, you were in pain. I wanted to be so selfish but I couldn't do that to you.I will never forgive God for taking my two boys away from me so soon.He left me all alone. Then 2 weeks later, 2 days before my birthday, I get in the mail the best birthday gift of all. A small, round, white plaque with your toes engraved on it. Those toes were all spread apart with your name on it. It was the best gift of all. Those little toes, mommie would always grab them and you would spread them wide, how mommie loved those toes...It was a gift from you. Fearless and Squeaky, my angel and my pumpkin, Mommie loves you and when its my time, my two boys better come and greet me, so we can cross over the rainbow bridge together. But for now, I want the both of you to be happy, safe and pain free. Mommie loves you and misses you so very,very much. Bye bye my angel and pumpkin. Mommie loves you. Please come and visit me..xoxo


10/31/10
Happy Halloween to my Pumpkin. Mommie sent you a pumpkin and I love you and miss you so very much. I also put 2 pumpkins on my deck with your name on one and Squeaky's name on the other. Those squirrels outside are trying to eat them. Mommie says, "Get out of here." You came to visit mommie yesterday in her dream. You were walking right beside me, looking up at me. I know your with me, my Baby Boy...xoxo

11/30/10
My Fearless, Mommie woke up on sunday morning with the sound of your favorite bird outside singing his tunes. I swear it was a sign from you because that bird only comes out in the spring and in the summer, never in the winter. The bird sang his tune only once too. Mommie knows your with me. Last night, I cut out 3 pictures of you and put them in the frames for the ornaments. Mommie will be placing them on the christmas tree this year. I am also going to place a picture of Squeaky on the tree too. Mommie has one of you on your window seat, sitting next to your candle and one of you under the tree and one of mommie and you, next to the tree. I love you and miss u so very much, my pumpkin. Mommie still cries over you. My heart is so broken. I love you my baby boy..


12/17/10
My Fearless, Mommie put up the christmas tree and all of your pictures are placed on it as ornaments. I also have Squeaky's picture too. Mommie needs a sign from you, the candle is in the window waiting for you to turn it on. I miss u every day and my heart aches for you everyday. I love you my baby boy. Give mommy a sign for christmas. xoxo


12/29/10
My Fearless, I miss you every day. My heart aches for you. I am so lost without you. I love u my pumpkin. Give mommie a sign. love you lots, spread those toes....xoxo


12/30/10
My Two Boys, you gave Mommie a sign last night, just what I asked you. The candles in the window went on and off all night. I know it was a sign from the both of you. I was very happy. I love the both of you. Keep sending me signs, mommie needs them from you. I love you my squeaky clean and my fearless gump xoxo


1/6/11
My Fearless, The past two nights, Mommie had dreams of you. I asked you to come to me and you did, through my dream. I had a dream that I was walking with you and holding you in my arms, like I always did. Just like a baby. I miss you pumpkin so much. I cry all the time, I talk to your pictures and cry. Why did God take you away from me and leave me all alone. I miss snuggling up with you on the couch at night, you laying on my chest, staring at me and I would talk to you. I love you sooo much. You will never ever be replaced. You were like a little person. I talk about you to Gizmo and he knows, he wags his tail. Your pictures are up at Grammy's house too. There isn't a night that goes by when I go to bed and turn to your picture and tell you that I love you and miss you and come visit me. I need to feel you. I love you my pumpkin. I read often at night and I see u jumping on my bed, rubbing your little face against the book and you would lay down, those memories. It feels like just yesterday you were with me. Mommie loves you, nite nite, my baby boy. xoxoxo


1/16/11
Fearless, Mommie just woke up this morning and looked at your picture and started to cry. I miss u soooo much. I love you with all of my heart. I wish you were here with me. Please give mommie a sign. I need a sign from you. My pumpkin, I think of you every single day. My heart is still so broken. I love you my baby boy, I'm your mommie. I will always be. love you. xoxo


2/14/11
Happy Valentine's Day my baby boy Fearless. Mommie misses her valentine, you were always my valentine and always will be. I think of you every day and my heart is still broken. I cried all this weekend, still asking God how he could take you away from me and leave me all alone. I miss snuggling with you on the couch at night with our blankee. I look at your pictures and just talk to them and cry. I love you my pumpkin and miss you so very much. I can't wait to see you again. Love your mommy, xoxo


3/12/11.
Mommie loves you and misses you so very much, nite nite my pumpkin, come visit me in my dreams. Mommie needs to feel you on the blankee. xoxo.


4/9/11
My Fearless, Mommie still misses you so much, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you and talk to you. I love you my baby boy. The sun is shining thru this apartment and all I vision is you laying right in it, smelling the fresh air. Mommie hopes you are happy and with your brother, Squeaky and Kit...Love you always my baby boy..my heart is so empty without you. xoxo


4/23/11
My Baby Boy, Mommie wants to wish you a Happy Easter. Mommie is sending you an easter basket. I miss you every day and there isn't a day when I don't think about you and Squeaky. I had a couple of dreams of you this week. I know your with me, my pumpkin. I love you.xoxoxo

5/4/11
Fearless, mommie is at the table eating right now,all alone. I miss you so much. Every night, before I go to sleep, I look at your picture and say, "mommie loves you, come visit me in my dreams or let me feel your presence." I love you, I am so lonely with out you. I don't want no more kitties, I want my fearless back. Give squeaky a big lick for mommie and you be nice to Kit. Give Kit a big hug for mommie. love you lots, mommie's baby boy..always. xoxo


5/22/11
Fearless, Mommie woke up this morning at 4:37am with a visit from you. You were under the blankee and you bit my hand, I felt it. You jumped off the couch and I came over to you and started petting you, on your head and then your body. You suddenly turned over and did rollies for mommie. I started rubbing your belly, I felt your fur. You were on your back with all four paws up in the air. Mommie said, "rollies, rollies for me, Im so lucky, what a lucky girl I am to have fearless do rollies for his mommie." like I always said. I then started crying, telling you that I loved you so very much and missed you and then I said, please take me with you, don't leave me. You just looked at me with those big green eyes.I told you that my heart is so still broken. Then you faded away. I woke up and started balling my eyes out. I love you pumpkin. I love when you come and visit me but the next day, I am sad all day because you left me. Love always your mommie. xoxo


5/30/11
Today is Memorial day and I think of you every day. On saturday, I babysat for Averi and I wish you could have met her. You died one month before she was born. She saw your's and Squeaky's portrait and was so fasinated by it. I had to keep picking her up so she could touch it. She was so cute. I pointed to squeaky and she said his name and I pointed to you and she said your name. I just thought how odd it was for a 2 yr old to be fasinated so much of your portrait. She kept picking up all your pictures and saying "Fearless." it was soo cute. You probably would of hid under the bed for a while when she was here. She made a mess of our home but she did kiss your picture, it was precious. She then saw the picture of you and I and she would say, Auntie and Fearless. I loved the way she said my two boys names. I love you and miss you both. Please watch over mommie and grammy. We both need guardian angels...xoxo


7/4/11
Happy 4th of july Fearless, Mommie misses you so very much. I think of you everyday and talk to your pictures all the time. Mommie woke up this morning with a mess on the deck, those squirrels keep tearing up all of mommie's flowers. What did mommie use to say to the squirrels, get out of here. If you were here, they wouldn't be. I love you my baby boy..my heart still aches for you. I love you soooo much and miss u deeply. Give Squeaky dinks a big kiss for mommie and give Kit a big kiss also for Mommie. I miss all of you. Hope you are happy with your brother up in heaven. Mommie is still so sad here on earth without you. Love you lots, xoxoxox


7/15/11
Fearless, I just got back from my trip and I can't believe that I met 2 cats identical to you and Squeaky. It was so weird. I arrived there on friday and had a dream that night, that you were there. On saturday night, I met 2 cats that looked exactly like you and Squeaky. I took so many pictures of them and they were so friendly. They were meowing and rubbing up against my legs. I felt a bond with them. And from that night on , I saw one of them every night during my visit. My last night there, I said my goodbyes to him. Fearless, it was like seeing you all over again but not here in our home. I believe you were there with me. I love my 2 boys and miss you so very much. Please come visit me in my dreams. Love you lots, Mommie, xoxo


8/4/11
Fearless, 2 years ago today you were taken from me. It seems just like yesterday. I am home dedicating this day to you. I will never work on this day again. My heart is still so broken, I cry all the time for you. I miss you so very much and I ask for signs from you. Lately the past 2 days, I have been hearing our song, 123 I love you by Plain White Tease. I know its a sign from you. I heard it yesterday just as I was leaving the house to go to work and the other day I heard it at work. I was feeling alittle down and all of sudden, the song came on the radio and I just stared at your picture on my desk. That song never plays at work.It was a sign. Fearless, 2 years ago today, my world fell apart and I still haven't healed. I love you sooo much and miss u. I ask all the time from you for me to feel your presence, please come visit me, especially today. Tonight I will light a candle for you. I hope you are happy and with your brothers Squeaky and Kit. Please give them a big lick for mommie. I hope you are being a good boy to Kit. Someday, we will be together again, until then please continue to be Mommie's angel and help me get better. There is never a day that goes by that I don't stop thinking about you. I love you my pumpkin. Mommie, xoxoxo.

8/4/11
Thank you my Fearless, I received a sign from you. A butterfly came my way and our song came on the radio, 123, I love you and as usual, I was singing it to your picture. I know that you are here with me today. I love you so much my baby boy...xoxoxo


8/4/11
Fearless, I wish that I could just hold you in my arms. I just found a video on the camera of you, doing rollies. Just seeing you on the video alive and moving makes me happy. I wish I took more videos of you. I miss u so much , I just want to feel you in my arms. I love you my baby boy. Lets do nite, nite, time for bed. Come into my dreams tonight and always. Love you, xoxo


8/5/11
Fearless, well you heard mommie yesterday. I had a visit from you last night. I had a dream of you and Squeaky. I had a dream that you were on my chest and I wrapped my arm around you and Squeaky was laying down at the end of my legs. We were on our blankee. I actually felt you. Then I had a dream that you and Squeaky were playing. You both loved to play. Mommie is so happy when my boys come to visit. I love to feel your presence. I kept thinking how I miss u in my arms and then all of sudden, you came to me. I love you my 2 boys..and I am so happy that you are together and playing. Love you lots, my Squeaky clean and Fearless gump. Love mommie, xoxo


8/25/11
Well here it is. Mommie's 42nd birthday and I know that you are here with me. Last night, I asked for You and Squeaky to come visit me in my dreams.. and sure enough you pulled thru again. This morning around 5:30-6:00 am I had a dream about the two of you. I had a dream that I opened the front door at grammy's house and Kit ran into the house. Then you ran in after him and I called your name, Fearless. Then I had a dream that you and Squeaky were walking around in the driveway together. Squeaky with his collar on and that hip shaking side to side. You even brought Kit to visit me. Fearless, you are being so nice to Kit, Im so proud of you. I miss my 3 boys and I am so happy you came to visit me this morning. I hope I get more signs from you today. It will be my birthday gift. But so far, the best gift of all was for my 40th birthday, that plaque with your toes engraved in it. It is right on mommies bureau. I just wish my 2 boys were here with me on earth to celebrate my birthday, where I can hold you and kiss you. I love you and miss you sooo much, the pain never ends. Please just keep giving me signs. I love you my pumpkin, my angel and my curmunchon. Love you lots, mommie xoxoxo


8/26/11
Fearless, again I had a dream of you last night. I had a dream that you were in this cobblestone house on the 3rd floor. It had airconditioners in the windows and you were up there. I know I had seen this house before. Then you came out of the house and you were in my lap. I woke up on my back with my legs positioned in a square. You were in my lap and I was just petting you. 2 days this week, on my birthday. I asked you to come visit me and you did. I know you are with your mommie..I love when I get signs from you, please keep coming to visit me. I love you more than ever and will never ever forget you. My baby boy, you are helping mommie get better. I wish I can just hold you in my arms, oh how mommie misses those little hugs from you. I love you and miss you so very much, love you lots and lots, mommie, xoxo


9/5/11
Fearless this morning at 5:10am, I was sleeping and then all of a sudden, I woke up hearing my text beep. It was so clear, my heart was pounding and Mommie was thinking who would text me at this time. I got up and checked my phone and nothing, no message. I know this is you waking me up, thinking mommie had to work today and my alarm clock wasn't set. You were my alarm clock this morning and you would always wake me up at this time. I miss those mornings, when you would get up and tap my face at that time. I would open my eyes and then close them again and you would tap away and if mommie didn't get up, you would stick one nail into my nose or block a nostril, that would get mommie up. I know you were looking out for mommie this morning and I told you, that mommie didn't have to work today. Oh Fearless, you are always with me, I love you. Mommie misses you and Squeaky so very much, keep visiting me and send me signs. I love you my baby boy...mommie, xoxo


9/7/11
Well, Fearless you just keep giving me signs and I love you for it. This morning I woke up to a very rainy day and I thought of you. As I was getting ready for work, I had the radio on and I looked at your picture and said, Fearless, I haven't heard our song, they don't play it anymore. As I walked into the bedroom to make my bed, I said to you, today is a lazy day for Fearless, I folded up your blankee and placed it on the bed and just kept talking to your picture. I remember those lazy rainy days when I would fold up the blankee and place my bathrobe on the bed and you couldn't wait to get on and snuggle. Mommie was so jealous, I had to work. I then pulled out my shoes to wear and notice that you had clawed them. I looked at your picture and said, Fearless you clawed my shoes, I don't mind it at all. All of a sudden, our song came on the radio, 123 I love you. I then sang it to your picture and cried. It was a sign from you. You are always here with your mommie. Keep sending me signs Pumpkin. My baby boy, I love you..xoxo


9/16/11
Fearless, you came to me in my dream this morning. Once again, last night I looked at your picture and asked, please come visit me, come into my dreams and you did. I love you soooo much and miss our moments together. I miss how you would wake me up in the morning by tapping my face. I miss feeling that little paw on my face and the nail in my nose. This morning, I had a dream that you were all curled up on the bed and it wasn't our bed but it was. I dreamt that you were curled up and I got out of bed and just looked at you. Your feet were on the pillow and your body curled on the blanket, you just looked at me and then that was it, I woke up. I miss u so deeply, there is never a day that I don't think of you. Pumpkin, my baby boy please continue to send me signs and visit me all the time. I need that from you. You are helping mommie get better and Im so thankful for it. I love you, give Squeaky and Kit a kiss for me..nite nite pumpkin. xoxo


9/20/11
Squeaky, today is 6 years that you left me. Mommie lit a candle for you tonight and thought of all the memories of you.I remember all the times you would lay on my lap with your paws stretched out. I remember how I would have cereal and milk and you would fly over to me to drink that milk. The times you would hide under the blanket and I would say, "where's Squeaky." or how you would come in from outside and sit by that refrigator waiting for your treats, deli turkey breast. only the best for you. I remember all the times when I would leave the house in the morning and you would bring me a gift, whether it was a mouse or a chipmunk, mommie never knew what I would walk out to. I love you my angel and miss u so much. Stay happy in heaven with your brother Fearless.Come and visit Mommie in her dreams, mommie will see u someday. Love you, xo

9/24/11
Fearless, last night I asked you to come and visit me and this morning I had a dream of you. I had a dream that you were sitting up straight with your tail curled around you and you were just staring at me. I said, Fearless come here and you jumped on my lap. I love when you come and see me. I love you so much and miss you. Nite nite my baby boy, xoxo

9/28/11
Fearless, I had a dream of you this morning. I had a dream that I was protecting you and that I was holding you in my left arm and you were trying to get away. I dreamt that I was trying to put you in a fenced yard. The fence was so high,that you would not be able to get out. In the meantime, I was holding you so tight, so you wouldn't get away. I keep having dreams of you and I know that you are with me. I have to record these dreams of mine. I love you, mommie misses you. xoxo.

10/15/11
Fearless, this morning here I am crying. I miss you so much, my heart is still so broken. I just want you back. I love you and miss you so very much. I keep asking God why he took you away from me and left me all alone. What have I done in this life to be punished. I really would like to know. Mommie needs you, I need you to visit me...I love you my baby boy...xoxoxo


10/30/11
Today, is the first day of our snowfall and all I do is think of you. I think of how you and I would cuddle on the couch for the day and I would cook something hot and comforting. I am so missing you today and everyday. I love you my baby boy, Fearless. My heart has such a big hole in it..love you and miss you soooo much. xoxo


11/10/11
Fearless, this morning I had a dream of you. I had a dream that I was in a forest and saw a colony of cats walking around. I didn't see you in a couple of days and I was calling your name. I had a dish of dry food in my hand for you and I just kept calling your name. Finally you saw me and came running over to me. You were tiny, like a baby. You ran right to your mommie, I picked you up and gave you some food. I was holding you in my arms. Then I had a dream that you were in front of micheles house hiding in the bushes. You saw another cat and ran towards it in the backyard. There was an elevator and the cat ran in and you chased after it. I ran towards you and as soon as the elevator door shut, I stopped it and grabbed you in my arms. I wasn't going to let you go. Then I woke up. Now I know that you are happy, playing with all the other cats, looking so young again. I miss you so much my pumpkin, my baby boy.. I love you sooo much , my heart has a huge hole in it. There is never a day that goes by that I don't look at your picture and tell you that I love you and for you to visit me in my dreams. One day, we all will be together again, you, squeaky and mommie. Can't wait to see you. I love you..


11/19/11
Fearless, yesterday I was talking to your picture and was getting ready for work. As always you gave me a sign. Our song came on the radio, 123 I Love you..I always sing this song to your picture. Last night, I told you I love you before I went to bed,as always and ask you to come to me in my dreams, sure enough you did. This morning, I had a dream that you were in a building and the door was open. I was across the building in a parking lot. There were other cats in the building and it was raining outside. I call and called your name and you appeared. Then behind you was squeaky too. I ran over to you and grabbed you and held you in my arms. Squeaky was also there. My 2 boys are together and are my guardian angels. Lately I have been having these dreams where you and Squeaky are with other cats, you seem so happy and playful. I hope you are meeting new furbabies but stay with your brothers Squeaky and Kit.. I love you and miss the both of you so very much..Please help Mommie get better..I love you xoxo


11/24/11
Happy Thanksgiving my baby boy..This is the 2nd thanksgiving I am spending it without you. I miss you and love you so very much.. I always would give you fresh turkey on this day or I would get those gormet cat foods that you would love. You would always eat the turkey and chix one. On Tuesday night I had another dream about you. I had a dream that you were sleeping in grass on the side of a road. You were facing a fence and I saw you sleeping on your side. I went over to you and just starting petting you. You were so content and at peace. I love having these dreams of you. It seems like you are everywhere on the other side.I hope you are happy and at peace. Please give Squeaky and Kit a kiss for me. I love you...xoxo


11/30/11
Fearless, I had another dream about you last night. I had a dream that we were at Grammy's house and there was snow outside. I looked out the window and saw a brown and white bear in the front yard, then I saw a cat looking in our basement window. All of a sudden, you jumped on the ledge and was looking outside at the cat. I think you are meeting alot of fur babies on the other side. I have been having dreams of you with other animals. I hope you have met Socks. That is my friend Tina's fur baby. Socks just passed away on this day. He had a strong personality and his hind legs also failed on him on this day. He had a blood clot that shot from his heart to his arteries and he went thru the same pain you did. Fearless, please go greet Socks at the bridge and be his little buddy. You will like him. I am going to place a christmas tree at your grave site tonight. I love you so very much and miss you every single day. Give Squeaky and Kit a big lick for me. I love you my baby boy..xoxo

12/9/11
Well Fearless, Mommie had another dream of you last night. I had a dream that I opened the sliding glass door and you flew out and jumped up on the roof. I was calling your name, Fearless and you were walking all around the roof, meowing. I was in a panic because I thought to myself that how am I going to get you and what if I lost you for good. Then I woke up..my heart was pounding.. I miss you so much my baby boy. I love you.xoxo


12/23/11
Fearless, I had 2 dreams of you this week. The first one was that, we were in our home and there was smoke in the corridor. A neighbor knocked on our door to tell us to get out. I grabbed you and then thought to myself, I can't just carry you outside, you would jump out of my arms. I got your crate and put you in it and we left. The 2nd dream on a different night was us at grammy's house. You were in the house but the stray cats were outside in front of our house. I opened the door and you ran out and smelled the other cats. I called you calmly and I grabbed you. I keep having these dreams of protecting you and not wanting to let u go. I miss you so much my baby boy and love you to death. My heart still has such a huge hole in it. It is 2 days before christmas. Mommie did not put up a tree this year but I did put the candles in the window. I ask you every night to show mommie a sign from you and squeaky with the candles. It only went out once, the first night I placed them in the window. Pumpkin please show mommie a sign and turn the candles on for me. You and Squeaky do it every year...love u baby boy..xoxo


12/30/11
Fearless you came to visit me this morning in my dream. I had a dream that we were at grammy's house and Pauline and Paul were there. It was christmas time and the tree was up. I had a dream that Jennifer came home and went right into her room and then you and I were in the living room. I had a dream that the tree was all decorated but tilted and Paul had to fix it. I called you over and you came right to me and I started petting you. I actually felt your fur, you were trying to be curious and kept going near the tree. I love you sooo much and miss you terribly. I cried this morning as I was cleaning our apartment. I miss you as my best friend and companion. Mommie feels so alone with you. I love you my baby boy, my Fearless Gump. I am your mommie, always and forever. xoxo

1/1/12
Happy New Year my baby boy... Please watch over me and Grammy. Please let Mommie have the best year ever. I miss you and Squeaky very much..Love you lots..Mommie...xoxo


1/17/12
I am missing you so very much right now my baby boy.. Please come visit me in my dreams tonight. You and Squeaky. I need to feel your presence, I need a visit from you. I love you so very much. My heart will never be whole again, it is still broken in pieces..love you Mommie, xoxo


1/30/12
Fearless, I had a dream of you this morning. I had a dream that you and I were living on the east side, on 4th st. We were in a parking lot and hanging outside. I called you over and you came to me and I was petting you. I felt your little nose. You were heading to the main st and I called out your name. You instantly came to me. All I felt was your fur and your little brown nose. I miss you so much my baby boy. I tell you every night to come and visit me and that I love you. Lets do nite nite.. love you.. mommie xoxo

2/4/12
My baby boy, you came and visited me in my dream this morning. At 7:20am I woke up. I had a dream that you were laying on top of the couch on your side and I was sitting at the kitchen table. I looked over at you and you almost fell off the couch. I said like I always use to say, " your gonna fall." and you turned over on your back and your eyes were on me the whole time. You started to rub your belly with your paws and as you were doing that, you were staring at me. I was just about to get up and rub your belly and I woke up. My heart aches so bad, I felt such a loss this morning. I miss u so very much. I don't know how I am living here on earth without you. I love you so very much..Im sitting here right now crying and looking at the sliding glass door where there is a patch of sun, you would be laying right in front of that door..I feel like I am going into a depression. Please Fearless help mommie get over this constant worry and anxiety. I can't take it anymore, I hate the way I feel. Please be my guardian angel.. I love you my baby boy, my pumpkin..xoxo

2/11/12
Fearless, you came to me this morning in my dream. I had a dream that we were at grammy's house and you were in the house. It was a summer day and somebody came to visit, when I opened the front door, you ran out. I ran after you and called your name, you stopped and turned around. I went over to you slowly and put my hand out and called you. You came to me and just as I was going to grab you, you ran the other way. You went towards the pool that was covered and there were other cats around the pool. Squeaky was there and he was laying in the pool with alittle bit of water in it. I said, Squeaky get out of the pool and he did. You went over to him, your brother. That was it. I woke up. I keep having these dreams of protecting you and not wanting to let you go. I can't let you go. Its like I want to protect you always. And seeing Squeaky was a blessing too. He never comes into my dreams. I love my 2 boys..mommie loves you and misses you so very much..Both my angel and pumpkin better keep visiting me in my dreams. love you...xoxo

2/14/12
Happy Valentine's Day to my 2 boys, Squeaky and Fearless. Thanks for my valentine's day gift. Another dream of you this morning. This time we were at my old house where I grew up in. Fearless you were in the back yard with other cats, I went in the yard and called you. You came right over, ran up the steps and ran right upstairs into the house. It was like you didn't want to be outside anymore and you listened to me. I saw that furry face and those big green eyes. I keep having these dreams of protecting you and not letting you go. I never wanted to let you go and I still can't. You and Squeaky will be a big part of my life forever, until we meet again. I will always love my 2 boys..Come visit me tonight..I miss my Valentine. We spent every valentine together. Love your mommie, xoxo

2/25/12
My precious Fearless, I had another dream of you this morning. I had a dream that I had to take you to the Vet for your annual check up. I was calling to make the appointment and I was looking at you and calling your name. You were laying all stretched out like you always did and just looking at me. But I was so determined to make this appointment, it was the most important part of my day. I miss you more and more every day, my heart never mends. I have such a big hole in it.. I love you so much, please make Mommie feel better, ever since you left me, I haven't been the same..I love you..xoxo


2/29/12
Fearless, I asked you last night to come and visit me and you did. I had a dream that I had to call your vet again and I don't know why I keep having this dream. Then I had a dream that I was laying on the couch with our blankee and you were on the floor, looking up at me. I called you to come jump up on the blankee and you did. You laided right down next to me on your side. Then the dream ended. I love when you come and visit mommie.. I miss you so much..and love you dearly. It is 8:30 pm right now and mommie is going to lay on the couch with our blankee..Lets do Nite Nite..xoxo

3/8/12
My baby boy, I had another dream about you last night. I keep having dreams of protecting you. I had a dream that we were at grammy's house and I was kneeling down opening the sliding glass door. I was reaching out on the deck for something and you were trying to escape. I held my hand up and said, "no Fearless, you stay right there." But you were determined and slid right by my legs and went outside. My heart was pounding because I thought this is it, Im going to lose you. It was dark out and snowy. You were climbing on all the snow and smelling it. Everytime I got close to you, you ran. Finally, I got close to you. You were near the pool and I grabbed you. I don't know what your trying to tell me but I keep having these over protected dreams of you.. I love you so much and miss you so much. My heart has such a big hole in it..keep watching over mommie and grammy. I need you and Squeaky to be our guardian angels..love you, mommie xoxo


4/1/12
Fearless, its been a while since I recorded a dream about you. I have been asking you to come and visit me in my dreams and you haven't in the past few weeks. Last night, you came thru. I had a dream of my 2 boys, Squeaky and Fearless. I had a dream that we were at my old childhood house and it was dark outside. I had a dream that the 2 of you were looking out the window from the second floor and the window was opened, there was a ledge. I saw the both of you trying to come outside and I said no. Squeaky went back into the house and Fearless as stubborn as you are, you went on to that ledge and jumped down to the street and ran. My heart was pounding and I called your name and you stopped. You looked at me and did rollies in the street and then I grabbed you and held you so tight. I keep having these reoccuring dreams of you getting away and me not wanting to let you go. I am always protecting you. I miss my 2 boys so much, my heart aches so bad and I still cry over you. I love you my baby boys and miss you so very much. Please come and visit me in my dreams. I love you my angel and my pumpkin..love you lots, Mommie xoxo

4/8/12
Happy Easter to my 2 boys..Mommie is always thinking of you and my heart is still so empty..Please come visit mommie in her dreams. I need a visit from you, I really need to feel your presence..No other cat will ever take your place. I love you both so very much and miss you so very much..Love you lots, Mommie.. xoxo


4/19/12
My Baby Boy Fearless, I miss you so much and love you, there is never a day that goes by that I don't think of you and wish you were here with me..I miss our times together, those precious moments. Please visit me in my dreams and please send mommie some happiness, I really need it. Please watch over Mommie and Grammy.. I love you my pumpkin. time to do nite nite..xxoo

4/20/12
Fearless, my baby boy..you came into my dream this morning. I had a visit from you. I had a dream that we were shopping for flowers and pumpkins, it was night time and very dark. I was holding you in my arms and your paw was wrapped around my neck and then all of a sudden, there was this horrible noise that was above us. It sounded like somebody was getting beaten up. I was so scared that all I wanted to do was, just get you out of there and then I woke up..It was the weirdest dream but you were in mommie's arms..I love you my baby boy, help mommie get thru with this anxiety.. I need your help..I love you and miss u so very much.. love your mommie, xoxo

5/25/12
Fearless, I had a visit from you and Squeaky last night. I asked you to come and visit me and you did. I had a dream this morning that it was dark outside and there were bushes around. I called your name "Fearless, come and eat." and all of a sudden, you appeared. Then Squeaky appeared. I picked you up in one arm and Squeaky in another and carried the both of you. I miss my 2 boys so much. My heart is so empty with out the both of you. Please help mommie get better with this anxiety, I can't take it anymore and please send mommie some happiness. I need it in my life. I love you my pumpkin and my angel..love u always, Mommie xoxo

5/26/12
My baby boy came to visit me again last night. Fearless, you make me so happy when I get a visit from you. I had a dream that I was in my apartment, closing my sliding door screen and it would not shut right. Our apartment was on a hill and I went outside to fix the door and I walked down the hill for a minute and forgot that I left the screen door open. I looked back and you came outside, I got so nervous because I thought you would run. You came heading down the hill towards me, I said, "Fearless, come over here." and I was holding a piece of meat in my hand. You were walking towards me and all I can see was that face of yours. You came over to me and I grabbed you and held you so tight, so you wouldn't run from me. I keep having these dreams of me holding you, grabbing you and not letting you go, like I am protecting you. Fearless, I love you so much and miss u so very much. Please keep coming and visit me, Squeaky as well. I love you, you will always be "Mommie's baby boy." xoxo

6/1/12
Fearless, I had a visit from you today. I fell asleep on the couch at 4pm and at 5pm the news was on. I can clearly hear the news on the T.V. and I felt your presence. You were walking around in the living room and then went into the bedroom. I followed you into the bedroom and you were sitting below the window, just looking up at me. I looked at you and you turned away and walked over towards the bed. I got down on my knees and started to play with you. I rolled you over to your back and was shaking your belly, you started to play bite with me, like we always did. and then it ended. I actually felt your presence in the apartment. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't. It was like a hold on me, controlled feeling. I love you so much and miss you so very much. I went to the beach today and just started to think about you. Your ways, the day you died, I felt the tears roll down on my face. I was thinking so much about you, how you would wake me up in the morning, It put a smile on my face. My baby boy, my best friend, my life is not the same without you. There is such a void in my heart, I can't believe that august it will be 3 yrs that you left me.I tell u everynight that I love you before I go to sleep and come visit me. Last night I was out and there were white balloons, I grabbed one and let it go into the heavens. I watched it as it went far up into the sky and it didn't pop. That balloon was for you. I hope you got it..I love you and my Squeaky clean. I miss my 2 boys..please come and visit me again..love you xoxo

6/3/12
Fearless, you and Squeaky came and visited me last night. We were in my house where I grew up in my old bedroom. I had a dream that you and Squeaky were in my room, on my bed, on our blankee. I saw both of you. You both were sleeping with me, I looked up and saw both of your precious faces. I put my hand over Fearless head and started to pet him and saw Squeaky right beside him, looking at me. It was so real..I was in my bed with my 2 boys..Thank you for visiting me.. I love the both of you so very much and miss u..love you lots, Mommie.xoxo


6/18/12
Fearless, for the past week, I have had 3 dreams of you. I have dreams of you laying down and staring at me and I am petting you. I miss you so much, my life has not been the same since you left me. I have your pictures on my desk in work and I still keep getting compliments from people. They always say, what a beautiful cat, look at those eyes..I always say, yep he is beautiful, my baby..I love you so much.. I miss having a cat but I can't do it. I will never replace you. I want only you. I ask God all the time, why did you take him away from me and leave me all alone. I see visions of you in this apartment. I miss you laying on the couch with me at night. I miss seeing you lay in the sun near the door. I miss u looking out of the window, waiting for me to come home, the list goes on. I hate this empty feeling. I miss when I make dinner and eat and you would sit on the ottoman, waiting for a piece of meat. I miss you when I would be on the computer and you would sit on my lap. Why would god give me this pain, I don't know what I did in my life to deserve this black cloud that just keeps hanging over my head. I am so sick of disappointments in my life. I try to think positive and all that comes is negative results. How much more can I possibly take. Everytime I think there could be some happiness in my life. God puts a stop to it. I just wish I knew why. I feel like I am stuck in cement, I can't go forward. Everybody's life around me is changing but mine, its the same old, every day of every year. I miss my 2 boys so very much. I love you and please come and visit me in my dreams, I need to hold you. Please watch over me and help Mommie get better..xoxo

7/4/12
Happy 4th of July to my 2 boys..Squeaky and Fearless..I miss you guys so much. I was just crying last night, asking God again why he took you away from me..I love the both of you so much. Please come and visit me in my dreams. I need to see you and hold you..I love you my Squeaky clean and Fearless gump.. Love you always, Mommie..xoxo

8/3/12
My 2 boys, Squeaky and Fearless I had a dream of the both of you last night. I had a dream of an inground pool and the water was so blue. In the middle of the pool was a big rock floating and Squeaky was all curled up on it, sleeping. I was so scared because I thought to myself, how am I going to get him off this rock, he can't swim, he is going to fall in. Then I saw Fearless at the edge of the pool on cememt, also curled up and sleeping. I woke up my heart was pounding because I was so scared for Squeaky..Then I had a dream that I was picking up Fearless and he vomitted and I heard that sound that he always made when he vomit..I miss my 2 boys so very much..I love you, come visit me in my dreams again, I need to feel your presence..Love Mommie, xoxo

8/4/12
Fearless, today is your anniversary of your passing. I can't believe it has been 3 yrs ago today that god took you away from me. It seems just like yesterday. My heart is still so heavy and broken. I miss you so much, there is never a day that goes by that I don't think of you. Everynight before I go to sleep, I turn to your picture and tell you that I love you. Please come and visit me..I miss holding you in my arms and I miss you waking me up in the morning with that little paw on my face, tapping me. I ask God all the time, why he took you away from me, what did I do to deserve this..you were my companion, my baby boy and my best friend..My life has not been the same since I lost you. Please send mommie a sign today that your here with me. I need a sign..I hope you are happy and I know your with your brother Squeaky and Kit up in heaven. I hope you are laying in the sun, like you always did. I wish I could be happy as you are. Until we meet again. I will always love my baby boy, my pumpkin. When it is my time, I just hope that my 2 boys will come meet me at the bridge so I can hold you both in my arms again. I love you so very much and miss you terribly..Love Mommie xoxo.

8/7/12
My 2 boys came for a visit in my dream this morning. I had a dream that I was lying down in bed and Squeaky was curled up on the floor, on the right side of me, looking up at me and Fearless was sitting up on my left side looking up at me. I was tapping my leg to Fearless for him to jump up on my lap and I said," Come on." and then suddenly I woke up. It was 8:30 am. I wish I didn't wake up,to see if you would have jumped on to my lap and I would feel you. I hope you got Mommie's red and white balloons that I sent up to you on your 3rd Anniversary. I let them go on Saturday and watched until I couldn't see them anymore. I attached a note to it, telling you how much I miss and love you. I kissed the balloons and left my markings from my lips all over them, so I hope you got my kisses. I watched and watched and those balloons did not pop at all, they went way above the clouds. I hope they reached you at Rainbow bridge..I love you and miss you, as always..Mommie xoxo

8/14/12
Fearless, once again I had a dream of you this morning. I had a dream that we were in a house and it was on fire. The house didnot completely burn down but one room did. You had gone outside and I was trying to get you. I kept saying, " Fearless, come over here." and I was coming closer to you. You turned around and you came to me. I woke up thinking how this house was on fire and you were outside at the time, so thank god you were not in that house. I always have dreams of you getting away and me saving you, protecting you. It is all the time. Then on 8/16/12 I was sleeping and all of a sudden I heard my text beep go off. I opened my eyes and it was 4:55 AM. I stood awake listening for that beep, but nothing. I knew it was you waking me up, like you always did early in the morning. I heard that beep so clear in my ear. I love you pumpkin, please keep coming and visit mommie. You and Squeaky.. I love and miss my 2 boys..Love you, Mommie xoxo

8/23/12
Fearless, I fell asleep last night on the couch. It was 2:15am and I woke up, I had a dream about you. I can't remember exactly what it was but I know I was calling you. I had said, "Fearless, where are you?" then I woke up and went to bed. I keep having these dreams of losing you and calling for you. I love you so very much and miss you terribly. It is not getting any easier at all. I still cry for you and my heart is so broken. I can't bear to get another cat. I do admit that I miss having someone here with me but I only want you..my baby boy, you or Squeaky..It has been 3 years, and it is so hard for me. Your death took a toll on me. I still grieve every day for you. It was so unexpected. It feels like just yesterday, that I was holding you in my arms,that day at Ocean State. I will never ever forget that phone call,that horrible day. I am so lonely without you. I just wish that God would answer my prayers and send somebody, a husband to me. I just want to grow old with someone. I want to love someone and for that person to love me back..Please watch over Mommie, she needs you, please.. I love you.. Mommie, xo

8/25/12
Well Fearless, here it is today my 43rd birthday and I feel sad..I wish you were here with me. You would always give mommie a lick on her hand. I went to the beach yesterday and was talking about you to a friend. I told her about that awful day at the hospital, she was practically in tears. I almost started to cry, just talking about it. Everybody I tell that story too, cries..How I rocked you to sleep before they laided you to rest. I also was sitting there at the beach and all of a sudden, there was a butterfly flying around us and landed on Chrisily's umbrella and stayed there for such a long time. I know it was a sign from you or my cousin Patrick, letting us know you were there. I love you my pumpkin, you will always be loved and missed and I will always keep your memorie alive..Mommie, xo

8/27/12
Fearless I had a visit from you last night. Well it was a dream but felt like a visit. I had a dream that you were eating this big barbecque pork chop. I actually saw you trying to eat it, anyway. I took it away from you and said to my mother, he can't eat this. It has to be cut up. So I cut it up for you and gave it to you. I always remember how you loved pork chops ,when I cook them. I always gave you some. I woke up and I just felt your presence around me.. I love you, keep coming to visit me..Love your Mommie, xoxo

9/5/12
My baby boy, I had a dream that you and Kit were laying down next to me in bed. I opened my eyes in the dream and saw you, Fearless all curled up on the blankee, looking at me. It felt real, I felt your presence. I saw Kit laying there too. I miss you my baby boy and I miss Squeaky and Kit. I love you. I come home from work and think of all the things you use to do, the routine. I remember always saying, " Where's Mommie's baby boy, come and see your mommie." and you would run right over to me. I love you, Mommie, xoxo

9/11/12
Fearless my baby boy, you came thru again. I had a dream that you were in front of the sliding glass door in our apartment. You were just sitting there, looking out but once again, I was protecting you. I was making sure you didn't get outside. I always have these dreams of protecting you, I just think it means, that I can't let you go. I ask you every night to come and visit me. I love you. I ask Squeaky too but he never does. Please guide Squeaky to me, I need to see him in my dreams, I need a visit from him..Love you my 2 boys..Mommie, xoxo


9/13/12
Fearless I had a dream about you and Kit. I had a dream that Kit was on a roof of a garage and there was a cat in the tree. I saw Kit chasing the cat out of the tree. Fearless, you were also trying to get on the roof. I saw the both of you. I wish Squeaky would come into my dreams. I ask you at night before I go to sleep, to guide him to me. I need to see him. His anniversary is coming up on the 21st of this month. I really need a visit from him. Help your brother, guide him to me. I love all 3 of you and miss you terribly. My Squeaky Clean, My Fearless Gump and My Curmunchion..Love Mommie, xoxoxo

9/21/12
Squeaky, today marks the anniversay of your passing, 7 years. I can not believe 7 years has gone by, it seems like just yesterday, I was holding you in my arms. Mommie misses you so much. I know that day you had gone outside and never came back. I was devasted. I search all over for you, driving, walking the streets, calling shelters. Now I know that you were chasing that rabbit and you were hit by a car. I know you think that I am mad at you. My angel, I am not mad that you chased that rabbit, my heart just broke when you didn't come home and I could not find you. You are my angel and always will be. I know that when I moved you couldnot find me. Well, your brother Fearless guided you to me. Last night, I wrote you a letter and put it on my nightstand with a pen on top. I asked for you to come and visit me, show me a sign. I went to bed at 10:30pm and was woken up at 1:00 am on 9/21/12. I heard a thump on the rug. I turned on the light and the pen was on the floor, there was no wind, silence in my room. I know you were there, sitting on my nightstand, playing with the pen. You would always jump up on my bureau and knock things over with your little paw. I loved how I would take my necklaces out and when you heard that jingle, you would jump off the couch and play with them. You would carry my necklaces in your mouth and walk away. I miss how I would hold you in my arms and say, "Squeaky, where's the light?" and you would look up at it. I miss how you would watch the animal planet and look at the animals on tv. I miss giving you your favorite treat, deli turkey, you would always come into the house and sit by that refrigator and wait and wait. You always got your way..You were such a good boy, never attacked Kit and was always good to Gizmo, you were his buddy, he loved you. Mommie is sending you a letter attached to 2 balloons, one blue and one white. I hope you get my letter along with my kisses on the balloon to the rainbow bridge. I have a candle lit for you right now in honor of your memory. I love you my angel, my squeaky dinks, my squeaky clean..I miss you and love you so very much. Please look after your brothers Kit and Fearless. Give them a big lick from me and please watch over mommie, continue to be my guardian angel. Please come and visit me and send me signs that you are here with me. I love you very much..Love your Mommie, xo

10/9/12
Well my Squeaky finally came and visited me, I know it was you my angel. I had sent you 2 balloons on your anniversary and told you to look out for them. I kept talking to your pictures and telling you to get them and they were only for you. Well, at 4:30am I had a dream about something but there were no balloons in my dream, all of a sudden, I was woken up by a sound of a pop. Like a balloon was popped. I woke up, my heart was pounding alittle and I looked at the clock and just looked around the room for some other sound, there was nothing. I know it was my Squeaky clean letting me know that he received the balloons and I know that you always love to play with items. I know it was your way of telling me that you were there by popping the balloon. I miss you my angel and mommie is so happy that you found me. Come visit me again, I want to see you in my dreams and feel your presence. I love my 2 boys and I know Fearless had lead you to me. Miss you and love you both, Mommie>3 xoxo

11/4/12
Mommie is missing my 2 boys really bad, I need a visit from the both of you. I really need to feel your presence. I love my Squeaky Clean and my Fearless Gump..Please come and visit Mommie. I miss you so very much and love you. My heart will never ever be whole again..I love you.. Mommie xoxo

11/13/12
Fearless, my baby boy, I asked you last night to come and visit me and you did. I had a visit from you that we were in our apartment and my friend Jill was over. I had a dream that the door was open and you bolted. You ran down the stairs and I was chasing you. You ran into Sam's apartment, his door was opened. I ran in the apartment and told sam that you were there. I saw you and called out your name," Fearless" and you stopped instantly and I came over and grabbed you. My heart was pounding. I woke up and my heart was beating so fast. I love you so much my baby boy and miss you so very much. My life is not the same without you. Please come and visit me again. Love you, Mommie, xoxo

11/23/12
Fearless, thank you for your visit this morning. I had a dream that we were here in our apartment and Grammy was here too. I had a dream that you were walking towards me and looking right at my face and then all of a sudden we heard this noise outside, it was bats. They flew over the building. But then, you looked at me and did rollies for me. I started to rub your belly and you loved it. I miss your rollies and I miss that face looking up at me. I love you so much and miss you and Squeaky so much. I miss saying to you,"Fearless, do rollie, rollie for me, awwh I so lucky, what a lucky girl I am that he does rollies only for his mommie." I loved saying that to you. I love you my baby boy, my pumpkin. Please help mommie get better and watch over me and Grammy. Until we meet again, I love you. xoxo

12/6/12
Fearless I miss you so much. Its Christmas time and I need a visit from you. Mommie put up the christmas tree this year and the candles are in the window. Please show me a sign that you are with me. Please turn on the candles like you and Squeaky always do at christmas time. I need a sign. I love you my baby boy so much and all of your pictures are on our tree. I love my two boys and I miss you so much. luv mommie

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