Summer is coming and it's getting harder and harder to accept that you are no longer with us. I look for you every day. Your daddy Clif says hi and he misses you terribly too. There is a song called 'Hurt' that I heard and wanted to put some of the lyrics here because they remind me of you:|
"I would hold you in my arms, I would take the pain away, Thank you for all you've done...there's nothing I wouldn't do, To hear your voice again, sometimes I want to call you but I know you won't be there. Some days I feel broke inside but I won't admit, Sometimes I want to hide 'cause it's you I miss, And it's so hard to say goodbye when it comes to this...There's nothing I wouldn't do, To just have one more chance, To look into your eyes and see you looking back...If I had just one more day, I would tell you how much that I've missed you since you've been away. Oh, it's dangerous, It's so out of line, To try to turn back time."
The pain of losing you is still to fresh for me to put what I need to say into words. One day I will be able to sit down "baby girl" to tell the story of your life and how very much you are loved and missed by us all.
My baby girl...I couldn't write to you after you left me on December 3rd...I couldn't contain the tears long enough to type. There has not been a day that has gone by that I haven't cried over losing you. Today is a particularly bad day for some reason...the tears won't stop coming...I want so much to be with you, to hug you again, to give you kisses on the forehead, to touch you, and talk to you again. I can't look at the beach...it is way too painful...the memories of our everyday walks come flooding back and I miss you more. You always got so excited every day waiting patiently in your "other mommy's" driveway looking over at my house, knowing we would be going to the beach or some other adventure depending on the weather. Your favorite place was the beach, a place we now call "Dutchess' Cove" where we spent every day this past summer, fall, and into the beginning of winter. Your favorite time was the summer...we drove toward the beach and you would pass your friend Buddy and bark out the window. Buddy's daddy says he misses your daily "visits". Then we would turn onto the road to the beach and you'd bark and bark knowing where we were. We'd let you out of the car and you'd walk down the little path to the "cove" and immediately walk to the lake. Your "other mommy and daddy" and I would collect stones to throw into the water and you'd run and swim, even when you were sick, trying to "catch" the stones. Somehow you decided to graduate to rocks, sometimes huge rocks. You'd stick your head down into the water and up would come a rock bigger than your mouth. You'd bring it back to us on the beach so proud of yourself. We'd play this game for hours and you'd never tire from the water. We'd bring you over to the brook and you learned how to belly-flop into the water which was hysterical. You'd swim and swim always looking for the stones we'd throw. You were so happy, your eyes would sparkle, and you'd smile at us. Your happiness was contagious and made me so happy. As sick as you were with the cancer growing inside you, you never gave up. In the Fall you'd walk through the leaves, you loved the rustle of them. In the winter you would happily walk and play in the snow, you loved eating it.
Your death came suddenly after breaking your leg, the cancer had spread. We had no choice but to put you out of your pain and let you go. Your passing has destroyed me, I am broken without you, my life serves no purpose...you were my purpose...my life. You are everywhere I look. I know you are in a better place at Rainbow's Bridge with Duke, Bones, Ashley, and all the other fur babies we had who came before you but that hasn't helped me yet. I know it will take time but I need the time to pass quickly so I can be at peace knowing you are happy. I just miss you so, so much and love you even more. You were my life, you really were. You were my happiness. I wish to God that you were still here with us...my heart just aches and the tears just flow. Please be okay baby girl and know that you will always be in our thoughts, prayers, and hearts...you will never be gone from our memories.
It is Autumn now and the colors of the leaves are beautiful. You loved this season so much, the rustle of the leaves beneath your paws. Daddy and I visit the Cove weekly to throw you a rock and take in the place you loved so much. I still cannot bring myself to go across the place where you fell that awful winter day, leading to your passing that night. It is still too painful for me to even look below at the beach, the tears well up and continue to fall. There is a kitty named Sunny who just crossed the Bridge. Would you please help Bones look after him...maybe he could throw rocks for you too. I love you so much baby girl and miss you terribly. I hope you are happy and having fun there. I'll write soon...the anniversary of your passing is only a month away. oxoxoxo
Hi baby girl...Winter is approaching...your mommy Kim is putting up decorations for Christmas. Tomorrow is the anniversary of your arrival at Rainbow Bridge. Today was the last day we took a walk before your passing. The beach was covered in ice and I kept telling you to be careful but I know you'll remember this...it wasn't you who fell, thank God, it was me...right on my rump. As I sat there on the ice you came over to me and licked my face. I will never, ever forget that moment in time. It is rainy and cold out here, very depressing, especially in light of your anniversary. Your daddy Clif and I continue to visit you at the Cove and have started feeding the seagulls. Of course we throw a rock in the lake for you every time we go...I just wish that you were still here to go after it. I watch you on the picture frame every night...you are such an amazing baby. I can't talk to anyone else about how I still feel about your passing...I guess they have their way of dealing and I have mine. Although it's been a whole year since you left us, the pain and grief are so deep that it feels like you are still here with us physically. I don't know if I'll ever move passed this grief...it's because I love you so much that I can't move on. I want you here with me, I want to be with you. You were my purpose...I don't seem to have one anymore...no reason to get up in the morning. I know I still have my 8 little babies here who need my love and attention and you know I would never slight them...they too are my life...but I miss you so, so very much. Please be happy there...look out for Buddy, he came there a couple of weeks ago. I told her that you would look out for her since the two of you are friends. Maybe she could go swimming with you and Abby can go too. Whatever you do, please know that we all miss you and love you eternally. You were the wind beneath my wings and I can't wait to see you again. I love you baby girl forever and always.
11/22/19: Zipee will fill you in about Jett. She passed away on 11/18 after what seemed like a short illness. It's too hard to talk about now. I'm sorry I haven't written. I never even wrote to tell you that you Ashe passed away on May 20th from an aneurism. He had gotten up and ate breakfast but laying down. Clif was in the Livingroom when Ashe came down the hall dragging his leg behind him. We rushed him to the vet but by then the clot had hit his lungs and he could hardly breath. Dr. Sue put him to sleep. He went through an agonizing death and it breaks my heart when I think about that day. I'd rather forget. Why can't God come and take you guys while you're sleeping? Why do I always have to make that decision? I don't want you to die but I don't want you to suffer either. Leelee and Pepper are the only ones left of the "original" little family here. I know what's coming and I'm powerless to stop it. I hope you're very happy and playing every day in paper bags and wrapping paper. I love you my gentle soul and miss you terribly. Hugs and kisses always.
Please also visit Bones.