Thursday October 29th 2015|
It's a beautiful fall day, and the second full day since you left our life together. I am having such a hard time understanding how on Monday night you were cuddling on my chest, and the next morning we found you in the hall, gone. To start things off, I'm so sorry I couldn't have done more. I'm sorry our door was closed. I'm sorry I got up from the room when you were snuggling me. I'm sorry I didn't take you to the cardiologist vet. I'm sorry for all of the days I ever spent away from you. You were and still are the greatest little heart I've ever known.
There are so many memories you've given me. I feel unworthy to a point. You chose to have your love to me whole heartedly, you gave your love to me the way a person gives their love to a spouse or a child. And I gave it back. I hope you know and you felt how much I loved you, and how every single moment I saw you, you lit up my heart with happiness and a light that only you could do.
I can't believe you are gone. I feel like our time together was not long enough. I still need you and still have so much love for you. It feels like there is a void in my heart and soul that only you can fill.
There are so many things about you I don't want to forget, and I am so scared that I will. Not because I want to, but just because you are gone now, and I don't get to have you back.
I'm going to make a running list, and anytime I think of something I'm going to put it here. I wonder if you have a list of things about me you loved. I hope you do.
Your little pink mouth.
The way you smiled when you slept and had little bits of peach fur around your mouth.
Cleaning your eye boogers because you are a cat and you can't because you don't have thumbs
The way your ears moved around constantly
The way your ears smelt and the comfort that brought me. The only other comfort like that I've ever had is blankie
Kissing your little mouth so hard and I could smell your little breath. Sometimes it smelt like tuna
The noises you made when you snuggled up to sleep with me. Like this deep exhale, like a sigh of relief. Like you were so content and at peace being next to me.
The way you would scoot your body closer to mine when we slept. Or if I turned over, you would press your paws into my back just to still be close to me.
The way your eyes would light up and you'd meow when you would see me. Especially first thing in the morning or if you were taking a nap.
The way you would get on my nightstand even though you know it pissed me off.
The way you would bap things. Windows. Blinds. Always bapping.
Carrying you around in the air to catch moths or bugs. You loved that.
The little chirping sound you made when hunting or dreaming of hunting from indoors
The way you would rub up against my legs after I fed you. Like you always said thank you.
The way you rubbed against my legs every time I had black pants on. It's like you knew
The way I could always count on you being near me. If I went to a different room, so did you.
The way you bathed chesters head. Sometimes you'd be naughty and bite him and other times it was just to be sweet.
The way you always talked. I hope one day I know what you were saying
The way you slept. So many funny positions.
Your leg warmers
The way you gracefully bathed yourself
The way I would chase you and you would scurry away and then let be grab you and pick you up like a baby
Holding you on your back and getting you to attack your own tail
God your tail was beautiful. So long and soft
Your beautiful fur. So thick and soft. The prettiest shades of gray, stripes. So white in areas and just the sweetest hints of peach.
Your big owl eyes. The prettiest color of amber. So big and curious.
Drooling on me. At least once a day. Or more. And the stupid look you'd get on your eyes when you would come to nurse me. The only time your claws hurt is when you would nurse. So I would hold your paws mid air so you could do your little muffin motion in the air.
The way you scratched the side of the litter box to extra cover you business
Speaking of business you always had cat business to attend to.
Every morning I would open our door to the closet, and there you would be. Standing on the cabinet by the vocoder as let out this big meow like YOURE FINALLY AWAKE!! And then you would come in our room and check every corner and inspect it. To make sure everything was okay.
From that point on you would follow me while I did my morning routine, waiting do your fancy feast. (Sometimes I gave you an extra can, don't tell Chester)
I loved the way your little feet pranced. You were so graceful.
I loved the way you knew when I really needed you. But I also love that you came to me when you needed me.
I love how sometimes when you slept, you'd have a leg or half your body hanging off whatever it is you were laying on. So not normal cat behavior.
I loved watching you look outside. You would do it for hours while I would be on my computer and drinking coffee. It was like your version of television.
I loved how curious you were. If I opened a door or a cabinet, you had to be in it. I loved letting you explore.
I loved watching you admire the snow falling.
The way you would sit under curtains, with your big tail sticking out. Acting like no one could see you, and then you'd wait for the perfect moment to attack Chester. (Except he always started it)
The way you would hunt crickets and I would find their legs one by one.
I'm happy you got to hunt a mouse once. You were such a great hunter. A real cat.
But you were so careful also. You never intentionally scratched or bit me. Or anyone for that matter. You would put your paw up and a normal cat would have put their claws out but you never did not once. You were so tolerant and careful and thoughtful.
The more I think about it I think you were a lot like me.
I loved when you pretended to be mad or bothered. You were always a little bit too good for everyone. But for good reason
I've never seen a cat more beautifully designed than you.
You were so complicated yet so simple all wrapped in one little prince body
You'll always be my kitten.
Just a little guy. Just a cat. Busy being a little kitten. I always called you kitten.
So nimble you were. You could stand on the smallest ledge. Or at least try to.
Noises like the vacuum didn't scare you, you would just watch me with this look of curiosity.
I loved how you would lay on me when I was on my laptop. I'd always find a way to keep working so you wouldn't leave.
I love how you always got in my face and gave me kisses. You didn't lick me often but when you did it was so sweet.
You were so smart. And checked in. You always knew what was going on. Such a sensitive little guy. I was always worried about your well being.
That is what makes this all so hard. No matter how careful I was, it didn't matter. I wanted you so much longer. I still need you. I think you still needed me too. I hope we are together one day again. And then you can finally tell me everything you were always trying to say. I hope you think I was a good cat mom to you. I know I wasn't perfect, but I really did try to show you an immense amount of love every time I saw you.
I think my fondest memories of you will always be me waking up during the night, with my right arm under my pillow, and my left arm over you. And you would stretch out and kick your little feet out, to be super long. And you would cuddle in closer to me, with such love and purpose.
You loved if I cracked open a window and you could smell outside. Our handy man just put up the screen on the big doors and it makes me so sad. You would have loved that.
I have had so many dreams and images of you and I growing older together
I love how you always had little boogers in your nose.
Your sweet features and details I want to remember them all.
I loved playing fetch with you and your frosty. Except when you would stop bringing it back to me. You'd just lay down
I'll miss seeing you peek up the fireplace
And your little jelly bean toes some pink some black
I loved when I would be taking a bath, and you would jump up on the side of the tub and come give me kisses.
The little whiskers on the backs of your legs.
The way you let me hold you like a baby
Your cute white teeth
The way I would be at the middle of the stairs from the first floor and you'd come and meet me from upstairs, stick your head through the banister and give me a nuzzle or a kiss
I'll miss the sound of your little nails walking across our bedroom floor to come jump in bed with me. I could always tell your nails from chesters. It was really time for your nails to be trimmed, but you hated going to the vet so much that I was waiting a while to take you in for a trim.
I'll miss pulling up in the driveway, and seeing you stretch out of the box and blankets, sit and look at us get out of the car, and then come greet me when I got inside. Usually with your sweet little voice.
You never really enjoyed being brushed but you did like when I would clean your little ears with q tips. Just like mom
I loved the way you liked to observe what was going on. From the top of the stairs or the doorway of a room. You were like a little secret agent, always in the know.
At night when you would do cat business I always joked that you were a business man who had clients in Japan and that's why you were so busy at night sometimes.
I'm happy you got back into the routine of sleeping with me though.
Watching the birds outside of the kitchen makes me sad, because I know this time of morning you'd be watching them with your tail slowly wagging.
I hope you come to rub around my legs by the fridge like you always did. I could feel how much you loved me when you did just the smallest actions
Not much made you happier than playing hockey with one of my pony tail holders on the floor
I loved playing fetch with your frosty toy.
I loved rubbing the little hairs that came from your ears. They were slightly coarse and felt different from the rest of your hair
I loved the peach around your little mouth and on parts of your legs
Your tail was so long and beautiful
Your legs were long and graceful and had little white leg warmers up them
Watching you watch outside was so joyful to me. I'm happy you got to see the leaves change colors. They are almost all gone already so you saw the best colors.
I'll miss watching you watch the snow. You would crane your head up and watch the flakes fall for hours.
You were so present and checked in.
Remember the one time I found you on the roof? I was in the Bethesda house and I could feel that you were missing. I checked all of you usual spots, I even then looked out front. It was very cold and snow was on the ground. I went back in with no luck, but I knew I felt you were not inside. You and I were so connected. I went back out front and turned around to find you were sitting on the roof. Casually and calm, almost like a gargoyle. I nearly had a panic attack but didn't want To startle you. I told you I'd be right there. I ran upstairs and opened the window in Brians work room, and you popped back in meowing like nothing had just happened. Past that point we always kept those windows shut because you always wanted to go back out there.
I can feel you gone from me now. It sounds dumb but I really do think you and I were connected in a way that was not even in our control.
Thank you for loving Brian the way you did. I know it was a change for you to have to share your mom, and I know you loved him.
A couple days before you passed, I think it was a Friday, Brian had been sick. I came back from dropping off Kaia's on school and went to lay back down because I was tired. I came in our room and it was the sweetest thing, you were snuggling Brian. I got into bed and put my arms around you. It was a really special morning. You knew Brian didn't feel well and there you were being a sweet boy sleeping with him.
You were so nimble. You can fit on any ledge or window sill no problem.
You loved getting into any kind of new paper bag or box brought in the house.
Sometimes when you were asleep or you were trying to nurse me, your little tongue would get stuck out just a little bit.
You left your little sweet paw prints on the couch. Back in Dallas you used to get in my fireplace and leave little black soot prints around.