3/10/2021: Oh China, my sweet baby girl,,,today I had to again make the hardest decision anyone ever has to make,,,to let my baby go and stop your suffering. Why,oh why, did this happen so quickly? Just a few weeks ago you were your little spunky self, even though you've been dealing with arthritis in your hind legs and especially your knees, but it never stopped you from going in and out of your run-out pens, or jumping up and down on your cat condo. Then during one of our rubbing and brushing sessions, I felt a lump under your jaw on the left side. As your boy Polo once had this and it was an abscessed tooth, I did not panic. But within two weeks it grew, and I called the vet to come check you, And then, my heart crashed as she said 'squamous cell carcinoma, terminal", and that it had invaded your bone and was affecting your ability to chew and swallow. She also thought you had heart damage and possible kidney issues. Within one week you were so painful in your mouth that you wouldn't even let me touch it---you actually cried out "owwww" each time, and when you tried to eat or drink, you would cry out, arch back, and with both front paws swat at your face. We tried to put you on pain meds, but that did not work for you. From thinking I might at least have several more months with you after she diagnosed you, to realizing it might only be days, was just too much for me to take. I didn't know how to cope, so I prayed that maybe the diagnosis was wrong, and that it was in fact an abscess under your teeth, but deep in my heart I knew you were terminal,,,,I just didn't realize how quickly this was all going to happen. It was now almost 6 days without food, and I couldn't even syringe-feed you due to your pain , plus your inability to swallow, and you would gag and freak out when I tried, even with just water in the syringe,,,it was killing me to know you were now basically going to starve to death. And that's when I knew I had to show you, in the hardest way, how much I loved you and make the decision to let you go. I made the appointment for the vet to come the next day, and all that night, I came out to sit with you every two hours, and just cried,,,,you were so weak and had only gotten up twice to try to drink from your water bowls,,,and it crushed me to watch you try,,just sitting there drooling into the bowl, because now your tongue was being pushed out of your mouth,,,,oh my God how angry I was that this was happening to you, and how quickly this had gotten so bad. Cancer is a horrible, horrible thing, and I hate it with every fiber of my being. It has taken several of you, and also my father, who's anniversary is tomorrow,,,maybe he met you at the bridge? I truly hope you are with your boys Asia, Polo, and Onyx, and your buddy cousins Lucky and Comet, and that you are able to eat and drink again,,,and I pray you know how much I miss you already, and how much I love you,,,and how sorry I am this happened to you.|
Your life with me started with a phone call from a friend who owned a shop in South River. He said there was a family upstairs that was being arrested for drug dealing, and as he was watching the police bring them down the stairs, he saw one of the family members throw a tiny black kitten into the dumpster. Since he knew I rescued cats, he called me, and I told him to please try to get you out of the dumpster and that I was on my way. When I arrived, he had you in his shop--you were so small and skinny, and you were missing a piece of your tail and one of your ears was split. But you had the tiniest, perfect little face that you actually looked like a china doll, so I named you China. I took you home and started to give you care. You were starting to gain weight, but then you started to gain weight sideways--you were so little and young that I didn't think you could be pregnant--so I brought you to the vet to be checked. And yes, you were pregnant! They said they could terminate the pregnancy, but I said no way.
I brought you to the farm and kept you upstairs with me. As you neared the time to give birth, I set up a carrier, beds, and blankets for you, Then the day came, and you went right into the carrier. You needed help with two of your babies, and you let me help you. You gave me four little boys--three black and one grey. I set up an enclosed area so they could learn to crawl and walk but stay safe. As they got a bit older, you started bringing them into my bed, except for one of the black ones. I would get him and put him into the bed, and you would again put him on the floor. Finally, you accepted him and we would all sleep together. You took such good care of them, being so attentive and always grooming them and playing with them--you were such a good, good mommy. After a few weeks, I brought you all to my home. You seemed to want to go outside so badly, so I set up another suite in the sunroom for all of you, with another run-out pen. You all loved it and were so happy to go in and out and play with each other. Two of your black babies (Polo and Onyx) turned out to be long haired, and your other black 'mischief' boy (Gremlin) was short haired, as was your grey boy Asia. They loved you so much and even as they got older, you always looked out for them--the best mommy ever. Everyone always said I should have aborted your pregnancy because I already had enough cats, but not in a million years would I ever agree--not only did I get blessed with you, but I was blessed with four beautiful boys who gave me love and happiness for so many years. Thank you for that sweetie.
None of us in this world will ever truly know how it is on the other side, or how long it takes to get there, or what happens in what time frame. So all I can do is pray and hope you hear me, and feel my love for you now, as I hope you felt during your life here with me. And I hope you will always, always know how much love, laughter, and meaning you brought to my lfie. My little Chi-Chi, China dollie, ,,,,my heart bleeds for you that you had to suffer at all, even if it was only for a short period of time. And I don't know if you are able to visit yet or if you can see how upset Gremlin is,,,but I know you saw how bad he was during this past week seeing you sick---he just paced and paced and wouldn't eat. And tonight he wouldn't eat still, and was looking all around for you--in the beds you were lying in, and out in the pens,,,it's heartbreaking to watch him. So if you are able, please come and comfort him, as now his whole cat family is gone and he really needs his mom. I am going to try to let him and Squiggy comingle to see if they get along, as she is lonely too without her cat family, and maybe they can comfort each other.
Oh my baby girl,,,,I just can't believe your're not here anymore,,,,or maybe you are in spirit? Of course, when I went to get the dishes ready for dinner, I set yours out,,,,and broke into tears. I keep looking for you in the bed you were using the past few days,,,, I hope you feel I made the right decision and that you enjoyed your life with me, and that you always felt loved, safe, and happy. You will forever be in my heart, and I will never, ever stop loving you. Love and Light my sweet baby doll,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
Would you hold my hand, if I saw you in Heaven.
Time can bring you down, time can bend your knees
Beyond the door, there's peace I'm sure
Would you know my name, if I saw you in Heaven
'Cause I know I don't belong here in Heaven,,,,,,
3/11/21: My baby girl,,,,today I took you for your cremation service at the new placed where I had brought your boy Asia. Once again, the service they provided was beautiful, and they treated you with the utmost care and respect. I picked out a beautiful box for you with flowers on it, and I hope you like it. When I came home, I placed you in the dining room cabinet memorial, in the section with your three boys. It seemed surreal as I was doing it, but shortly after I just broke down. I just don't want to accept this, yet I know I must, as I know the others need me to be strong. But oh my baby girl, it is so hard,,,, Please come and comfort Gremlin when you can, as he is a mess,,,confused and sad. I love you so, so much my sweetie, and I hope you are no longer suffering and can feel how much I miss and love you,,,,my little China doll,,,,Love and Light baby girl,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX
4/11/21: Hi my baby girl,,,I am so sorry it took me so long to come back to your page---as you may have seen, I just did not handle your loss well at all,,in fact, I had to fight accepting it as I was really scared,,, I guess it was how quickly everything happened that I couldn't come to terms with the fact that you were truly gone. And trying to keep Gremlin going was all I could take--- he just went downhill himself, not eating or sleeping, and looking everywhere for you,,, and not eating is especially bad for him because of his diabetes,,,,so I was beside myself with grief and fear. But hopefully you heard me talking to you every day, sometimes pretending as if you were still here,,as I just didn't know how to handle this. As many times as I've had to deal with loss, and it's horrible each and every time,,,having no time to try and prepare was devastating. I went through this with Thomas because it was too quick, and it almost killed me, so then when you went downhill so quickly, I didn't think I'd make it through, and I am still struggling. When I am with Gremlin, I sniff him because he smells like you,,I guess from curling up with you the week before you left (he's not so thrilled with this :) , but he lets me). And I just stare into his eyes, because he has the same beautiful eyes you have. He's such a good boy and so were all the others you gave me, and I hope you're with them now. But because he's also the most shy and timid of them all, he is so lost without you. Although you were the boss, and slept on the same condos and beds next to each other, you were never in the SAME bed, until that last week,,,, I will never forget when I first saw you cuddled up together---my heart melted,,,,then it broke,,,for I realized you both knew something I didn't yet,,,, Oh China,,,how I miss your 'dirve by's' in the monrings when I would be doing Gremmie's blood test and shot, and your tough little walk,,,,jesus, I just can't stop the tears,,,,
I hope you can still hear me, and can still feel how much I love you,,,,,you will always be my little 'Chi-Chi'. I will never understand why animals have to get these diseases and cancers,,,,innocent souls should never have to suffer,,,,,it makes me so angry,,,, and I guess I'm struggling with that as well. And as you know, all the other things I'm struggling with in my life right now haven't helped me have strength, so please forgive me for not being strong enough to accept this,,,,it's just all been too much to take. If you can, please come and help Gremlin to deal with losing you,,,he's just a mess without you.
China doll, I love and miss you so, so, so much, and you will always and forever be in my heart and soul. Love and Light my sweet baby girl,,,,XOXOXOXOXOXOXXX